by Sana Abid
"Everything," I whispered. Will tried to pull me in an embrace, but I shook my head. If I let him embrace me, I would be letting this world embrace me. And I didn't want that. Not anymore. Jay was right. I had been running from my problems all this time, trying to pretend everything would become better if I felt better. But me staying here didn't mean Eva was magically going to get up and off that white hospital bed. I felt sick thinking I wanted to give up my twenty-five years for a place that wasn't real at all. Jay had been right all along. I was selfish. But the pleasures I got from being here blinded me, fogged up by brain. My chest hurt at the thought of never seeing Jay again. He was the one who saved me, yet I blamed him for every ounce of my pain when he had nothing to do with it. I deflected my shitty feelings towards him. He never deserved any of it. I didn't deserve him. I was a fucking coward.
"I have to go." I backed away from Will, my thoughts finally clearing up, making sense.
"But I thought you were staying." Will looked at me in horror. It didn't faze me. He'd get over it. He was in a perfect world. And I wanted to get back to my imperfect one.
"Can't." I shook my head. "Look, Will, you're an awesome guy and trust me your world is perfect, but it's too perfect. Jay was right. I was high on irrational feelings, but none of them are real."
"What are you saying?" He must think I am a lunatic.
"Never mind." My lips quivered as I attempted to smile. "It was a pleasure knowing you, Will, really, but I have to go." I rushed to steady my hands on the necklace to see the hourglass. Please don't let it be too late. My stomach twisted in a knot when I held up the pendent to eye level.
"Vivian, we could talk about this." Will plead.
"I don't have time," I said mostly to myself. The top portion of the hourglass was empty.
"Vivian…" Will said cautiously when my face scrunched in confusion, disappointment. The thought hit me like a brick. There was no time. "No." A scream left me. "No!"
"What's happening?" Will panicked, but not more than I already was. I sank down next to an oak and buried my face in my knees. It's done. It's over. My heart refused to accept that fact and continued to bat wildly against its cage like a prisoner. Regret and loss washed over me in giant waves till I started crying all over again. This is what you get. This is what you get for not appreciating all that you had. Jay was gone forever. He'd never come back for me. Why should he? I was horrible to him. I took him for granted and now it was all over. I'd never see him again nor Eva…
"Vivian." I felt Will lower himself to the ground next to me. "Who was that guy?"
"Someone who deserved better," I croaked. "Someone whom I should have appreciated more."
"Then, why didn't you?" I sighed, brushing the tears off my face. It was in vain; they kept coming back.
"I was stupid and blind."
"But now you're not." He smiled.
"Yeah," I said, "I wish I could tell him all of that."
"Well, why can't you?" He questioned. "He's gone to your world?"
"Yes. I wish I could tell him how sorry I am and how right he was about everything." Closing my eyes, I held onto the necklace. It was the only thing I had left of Jay's. "I wish I could see him again. Just one more time, so I could tell him I have so much love for him that I don't even know what to do with it, now that he's gone. I wish—" I was cut off by a sudden warmness pooling in my hands. My eyes popped open, finding the sphere glowing how it did before.
"Shit!" I stood up. "Shit!" Joyful tears ran down my cheeks.
"Whoa," Will said as the trees around me started to vanish. "It looks like…" his words faded.
"Bye, Will!" I said with my eyes squeezed. Focus, Viv, focus. I didn't think about anything but Jay's smile, the mesmerizing scent evaporating from him, the way he held my waist, being my support. I thought about how much he loved me as the ground became cold under my feet, wet. I thought about Jay and Eva and my parents as the white light burned the top of my eyelids. I thought about those who love me when the light disappeared and tiny droplets fell on my nose, the sky covering me with wet kisses. I opened my eyes smiling with relief to find myself back. I was home and I was never leaving again. With that thought, I celebrated by throwing the necklace on the ground, so hard that it broke into a million pieces like fragile glass the next second. Good riddance.
But that smile faded when Jay's house glared back at me.
I was outside in the rain, not within the comfort of his four walls. What the hell? How could that be when I had left the book on the shelf not outside? You came back to wherever the book was last, and the book was—
I found the paperback lying on the side of the driveway. Its pages flapped open with the wind. My heart shimmied its way down to my stomach when I went near it, hoping it wasn't the same book that I just came back from. But all my hopes were crushed when I read the gold letters behind a blurred vision. Next to it was my bag.
Lightning ripped the sky in half in front of me. Five seconds later, thunder roared in an attempt to get a scare out of me, but I didn't even flinch. How could anything be more terrifying than knowing Jay was really over me? This time for good.
CHAPTER 17
It was like walking straight into my nightmare when I pulled the ICU door open and entered the room, a shiver running down my back. My heart was pounding, my breaths came off short and heavy, but for the first time in a long time, my head was in the right place. I was in the right place.
Jacqueline had knocked out on the chair next to the bed. Her eyes had shadows around them. Her hair appeared disheveled, a dull brown, and her face was thin. She looked exactly like me. The only thing different between us was the fact that she stayed besides Eva, while I ran away like a coward. My throat tightened as regret washed all over again. I messed up really bad, leaving Eva when she needed me the most. Jay's words made so much sense. I really wished they made sense back then.
"Hey, beautiful," I whispered, soft enough to not wake Jacqueline up, but loud enough so maybe Eva could hear. Her body was still, but I knew, in a way, she was listening. I had hoped that she was. "I'm sorry, I didn't come to see you all these days." Tears fell from my eyes. I grabbed her hand that had the IV pricked through it. "I can't lie and say I was busy. I wasn't. I was in a happy place. Well, I thought I was until I realized places can't make you happy. Only your thoughts can and people. People can make you happy like you make me happy. And Jay."
A soft laugh broke out of me. "I didn't tell you. He and I actually hit off. We are together, erm, we were together. I screwed things up." Sighing I let my voice drift off as Jay's face projected on the walls of my brain. "You were wrong, you know? Jay isn't the bad guy. He is the sweetest guy I've ever met. He stood my bullshit. He stood by me when I got lost. I'd let you meet him if we were still together, but I doubt that would ever happen. Like I said, I screwed up really badly. Honestly, I think he hates me now. Who can blame him though?" My fingers trembled from the release of emotions.
"Vivian." It was Jacqueline. I turned around and found her awake, confused.
"Did I wake you up?"
"I wasn't sleeping." She gave me a soft smile. She had heard everything.
"I just wanted to talk to her." I brought my gaze down to the sleeping beauty.
"Took you long enough."
"I'm sorry." I shifted my weight waiting for Jacqueline to crown me the Queen of the Worst Friends, but she just stared at me. "What?"
"This really got us messed up, didn't it?" A small laugh escaped her. "Look at us. We look like we haven't seen sunshine in years."
"I get you." I smiled at her humor.
"But it's worth it."
"It is." I nodded. "I should have been here for her."
"You were, just not here, here." Jacqueline's eyes fell on her daughter. "I know this affected you as hard as it did to Jim and me."
"I can't bear to see her like this." My voice cracked for the thousandth time. I picked up the glass on the stand next to Eva and poured water in it before
drowning the sorrows down my throat.
"None of us can," Jacqueline said. "But she'll get better. You'll see."
"She's a fighter." I reminded mostly myself.
"She is. So are you."
"I fought for the wrong thing," I told her shaking my head. "Now I lost the thing that was worth fighting for."
"You didn't lose anything," Jacqueline said with a stern voice. "You just have to fight for that instead."
"He hates me," I whispered.
"Really? From what he told me this morning, it doesn't seem that way."
"What?" I snapped my head up. Jacqueline smirked back me. "You met Jay?"
"Me, Jim, and Eva." My brain couldn't process anything. Jay? Here? How ? When? Why didn't he tell me he came here?
"He… he never told me he comes here to see Eva."
"He visited ever since he found out about her." Jacqueline's lips curled. "He talks to her about you. I'm never in the room. But from the window, I can see him smiling each time."
My breath hitched. "I'm sure he feels different about me now."
"Nope."
"He doesn't?" I raised my eyebrow at her. "How can you be so sure?"
Jacqueline leaned back in her chair. "Because just this morning he told me how much he loves you."
If Jay loved me, why didn't he pick up any of my calls or answered the front door when I knocked? His car was always in the driveway, so I knew he was home. And when I looked back from across the street, I'd find a silhouette lingering behind the curtains, his gaze burning through the thin fabric right onto my skin. I'd blink and the shadow would be gone. I'd be alone all over again.
It's okay, though. I deserved it, every ounce of his hatred and more.
Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. Still Jay wouldn't let me near him. I still knocked on his red door, I still called, leaving behind trails of voice messages. For sure, he deleted all of them, but I sent them anyways with hope I'd annoy him enough to get him to listen to even one. So far, he hasn’t replied.
Besides checking my phone every minute or so, I got a job at a law firm, managing its finances. The job was alright. I had a small cubicle rather than a big office that Tate had offered, but I declined that job opening. There was no way I was moving to another side of the country and leaving Eva. Not at a time like this. It didn't matter how much the pay was.
I also got myself to read. Every day you'd find me in Hope's Café, upstairs in the library with a cup of coffee next to me, a book in my hand, and hope alive in my heart. Real hope. Faith. Books were actually way cooler than I thought they were. When I read words, it was like everything played in the tiny TV in my head. It was better when words were inside you than when you were between the words. I could see why Jay was obsessed with them. Now, I was too.
It was after work on a Saturday when I got a call. It was Jacqueline.
"Vivian! Where are you?" Her words were rushed.
"I was heading home. What's wrong?"
"Come to the hospital , now!" That's all she said to me before hanging up the next second. I blinked at my phone before running to my car. I was mortified by the call. The urgency in Jacqueline's voice made my brain want to shut down. But I had to say strong. I just have to, I thought, coursing through the road with a prayer on my lips. Please, please let her be okay.
The cold air slapped me when I entered the hospital through the automatic doors. I reached the front desk, and even though the receptionist already knew me—I came here countless amount of times— she still went through the entire identification procedure. She took her precious time; it nearly killed me.
231, my eyes scanned the numbers on the silver plaques of each door until I was standing right in front of Eva's. An uncertain breath escaped my parted lips. I turned the knob and braced myself to face the worst.
Jacqueline's back came to my sight as I made my way inside. Jim was there too. I couldn't tell by his expression whether things were right or not. I mentally crossed my fingers, praying.
"Mrs. Barton?" I called out. She turned instantly, startled by my voice. Tears were streaming down her face as if someone had just placed a bowl of onions in front of her. When she stepped away from the bed, I began to cry, too, my heart sinking with emotions.
"Eva…"
Her bloodless lips curled up in a smile when her eyes met mine. "Hey, there, sweetie."
Nine months.
It's been nine months since Eva and I spoke. Now, she was here in front of me, laughing with emotional tears running down her face as the three of us smothered her with hugs and kisses. We couldn't help it. We had all missed her.
And now, she was here talking to us, talking to me. My head couldn't wrap around it. It felt so surreal, more surreal than being inside of a book could ever feel.
"The nurse found her awake an hour ago." Jacqueline told us, combing Eva's blonde hair back.
"It's really been nine months?" Eva asked.
"You slept for a long time, so we named you Sleeping Beauty." I humored and the two of them laughed. Jim was quietly awing the scene.
"Well, we all have a ton of catching up to do," Eva chirped. "Someone start."
"Not now, hon." Jacqueline kissed Eva's forehead.
"Oh, come on," she whined.
"Come on, Jim," Jacqueline told her son, smiling at me. "Let's give the girls some time alone." Nodding, Jim followed his mom out the door. I waited for the door to close before making my way to the chair next to her bed.
"Please tell me you're going to tell me everything that has happened in the past nine months."
I shook my head. "How are you feeling?"
"Okay, I guess." She smiled. "How are you?"
"Better now that you're okay." I placed my hand over hers. "You gave us all a scare."
"I always did love pranking you guys." She joked but stopped when I didn't crack a smile. "Come on, Vivian. I can't have that frown. I already feel bad about everything."
"You?" My right brow rose. "It wasn't your fault, Eva."
"I know." She sighed. "Still. You guys look like crap because of me."
"Well, thanks." I rolled my eyes and she giggled. God, how great it was to hear that again.
"So, what happened all this time I was gone?"
"I'll tell you sometime later."
"No, now. Come on. No one is here. I really want to know."
I shrugged. "I don't know if you'll even believe me."
"Hello! You're telling me I had been in a coma for nine months. That's pretty batshit crazy. I think I'll take my chances."
I took a deep breath, letting it go as my brain thought of ways to begin. "Well, you remember Jay Stonepelt?" And on their own, my words flowed out of my mouth like water from an open faucet. I didn't leave a single detail out about her accident, Tate's job offer, the books, Jay, and the way I had acted throughout it all.
"You're not a terrible friend." Eva rolled her eyes.
"I left you and everyone. I planned on never coming back."
"So? You were in shock. Everyone reacts differently to situations. I don't know what I would have done. I don't even want to know. You're so strong."
"No. I'm not." I clenched my jaw.
She forced me to look at her. "Yes, you are. For pulling yourself out of that sort of mental distress. Not everyone could do that."
"I could have lost everything with one bad decision," I whispered. "I lost Jay."
"Well, stop thinking of the past and think of right now. Here you are. You didn't make that decision. And you learned. Yes, you learned the hard way. But you learned." I closed my eyes when she wiped the tears from my face. "So, Jay, huh? He's hot, he has magical powers, and he cares about you?"
"The first two, yes. The last one, no. He doesn't want to see me ever again."
"I'd say the magic thing is the hard one to believe," she said, spooked out.
"It's not." I chuckled. "He doesn't want anything to do with me. I don't blame him."
"Maybe I need to ge
t out there and teach him a lesson." Eva threw her fist into the air, and I put them down, loving how much she made me laugh.
"Slow down, Tiger," I told her. "You stay here and get better."
"I'm great," she said, groaning.
"Good." I smiled. Just then Jacqueline came back with Jim on her heels.
"I have food. Vivian, you want a turkey sandwich or tuna?"
"No, thank you," I said getting up and walking to the door. "You guys eat. There's a lot of catching up to do."
"Bye, Vivian!" Eva called out. "Come back soon, okay?"
"Of course!" Waving, I blew her a kiss. "Get better, Eva."
"Don't give up on him." That was the last thing I heard before the door slammed shut. I wanted to tell her that I really didn't want to, but my body became paralyzed when my eyes met his back as he walked towards the elevators.
Jay! I wanted to yell, but nothing came out until brain gave me mercy, finally unfreezing my body, so I could chase him. It felt like someone had put me in slow motion. The shock just made it impossible to run fast enough to reach him.
"Jay!" I found my voice. Staff members and patients looked at me with judging eyes—who was that maniac running down the hallway?— but I didn't care. By the time I reached the elevators, the door had been closed. The red arrow was pointing down and people went back to doing whatever they were, while I stood there with a heartache.
Jay had left me once again.
CHAPTER 18
With Eva getting better, I was getting better knowing that she was okay. Sleep returned to me, not blissful like a cherub's but enough to cut the night short. I had an appetite, sort of, and the rings around my eyes were gradually disappearing. My life was starting to become like its old self again.
Eva would be discharged this week after being confined in the hospital for ten months. I couldn't describe how happy I was for her, how excited I was looking forward for our small get-togethers, late-night movie marathons, and long conversations about the stupidest things ever. I couldn't believe I was willing to sacrifice all that and much more.