She kept pumping herself with logical explanations of why this was happening to her as they drove through the quiet town and made a circle around the church. There were no graveyards.
“Entschuldigung ich, bitte,” Elena said, rolling down her window and calling out to a man walking down the street. He stopped, and she proceeded to ask him where the graveyard was. He answered, and she thanked him. Shelly found it hard not to admire Elena’s spunk and ability with the language.
“Two kilometers down this road,” Elena reported as she rolled up her window. “Be sure to take lots of pictures. Your grandmother will cry when she sees them.”
“Yes,” Shelly agreed. “I’m sure she will.”
When they arrived, they all got out and walked into the graveyard. The first headstone they saw read “Rudi.”
“Look,” Elena said, “another one is over here. And one is over here. This little cul de sac looks like a whole family of Rudis. No wonder that guy at the Hilsbach graveyard was so excited when you told him you were a Rudi. It looks as if the Rudis once ran this town.”
Shelly strolled up and down the rows. She was distantly related to all of them. The thought amazed her and sent shivers down her spine at the same time. They were all gone. She was their offspring. In a sense they had entrusted her to carry on. But carry on what? A career?
Suddenly her life felt shallow. Even if she lived to be a hundred, her life was almost a quarter of the way gone. What had she done with it? There rose within her an urge to accomplish something, to create some kind of heritage she could pass on. For the first time she felt an urgency to have children. She wanted to live on in them, the way her rows of relatives somehow lived on in her.
“I don’t see a C. C. Rudi yet,” Jonathan said, continuing up and down the rows in his quest. “Do you have any idea what his first name was or his parents’ names?”
“No, I don’t.” Shelly continued to look, too. But it didn’t matter so much that she find the grave now. It seemed she had already found something in this hunt. She understood, or at least thought she understood, a little better the beautiful gift of her Christian heritage, and she had arrived at a clearer picture of what she wanted out of life. She wanted to be married, to raise a family, and to bring them up, as her mother used to say, “in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”
The painful part of making such a discovery was that less than an hour earlier she had purposed to emotionally release herself from the only man with whom she had ever wanted to undertake such an endeavor.
All the logic, emotions, and self-discovery gave Shelly a headache. She was hungrier than she had realized and didn’t think she could handle any more exploring.
“Can you take a couple of pictures for me?” she asked.
Elena reached for Shelly’s camera and directed her to the most attractive of the Rudi-family graves. Pink geraniums bloomed atop the grave mound. The marker was done in black marble with white highlighting behind the letters. Next to the names, “Lina and Alfred Rudi,” was an impressive carving of Christ dressed as a shepherd, carrying a staff, and knocking on a closed door.
“Thanks,” Shelly said after Elena snapped the picture. “My mom and grandma will both be very happy.” Shelly put out her hand, palm up, and as she did so she felt a raindrop hit her hand.
“Looks like we found this just in time,” Elena said. “The heavens are about ready to dump on us. Are either of you as starving as I am? Let’s find someplace to eat.”
They hurried to the car and drove away as the rain began to seriously come down. Jonathan drove almost to Heidelberg before they found a tavern that was open. It was a smoky, loud, brawl-just-waiting-to-happen kind of eatery, but Jonathan assured Shelly that this was the best they would be able to find on a Sunday evening in this part of Germany.
The waiter recommended the special of the evening when Elena asked what was good. She closed her menu and took his advice. Shelly couldn’t read much of the menu anyway, so she ordered the same, as did Jonathan.
They weren’t disappointed. A two-inch-thick slab of raw meat was delivered to each of them on a sizzling flat rock bedded on a wooden paddle board. Two sauces were provided in metal dividers. The idea was to slice the meat as it cooked on the hot stone.
Shelly was a little leery, but the first portion that looked cooked came right off with her knife. It was like cutting butter. The meat cooled quickly, and when she took a bite, it seemed to melt in her mouth. She was so hungry she ate almost all of it before trying the last few bites with the accompanying sauces. The sauces only made it better.
“This is unbelievable,” she said, searing the last bit of beef. “What do they feed their cattle?”
“This isn’t beef,” Jonathan said. “You’re eating venison. And judging by the color, this fellow may have been on the hoof this morning.”
“Try these potatoes,” Elena said, offering Shelly the large bowl of whipped potatoes. “They taste really good if you warm them on the platter.”
Shelly ate until she couldn’t take another bite. This was the first time since she had been in Germany that she had eaten her usual amount.
She had always had a quick metabolism and was teased about how much she could eat. As she thought about it, she realized that she hadn’t had much of an appetite since she had moved back to Seattle. Maybe this was a sign that her emotional struggles of the past few months might be coming to an end.
“Do you have a boyfriend, Shelly?” Elena asked on their drive home. “Or did I already ask you that?”
“You did,” was all Shelly said.
“The reason I ask is because I know this guy that I think you would really like. He’s a little younger than you, I think. But he’s nice. His name is Tony. He’s just about your height probably,” Elena said. “I come up to his nose, if that helps you judge. Anyway, he works at an auto body shop in Akron, but he wants to work on airplane jet engines. That’s why I thought you two might be interested in each other. Plus he likes brunettes.”
“Flight attendants and jet-engine mechanics don’t often overlap in their job descriptions,” Jonathan said. He said it nicely, but Shelly realized he thought Elena’s logic was off.
“I know, but he’s a really nice guy, and I just think Shelly would like him. I’m sure he would like her.”
Shelly was sitting in the backseat biting the inside of her mouth to keep from laughing. This was crazy. Her old boyfriend’s fiancée was trying to set her up with a mechanic in Ohio. Meredith would get a good laugh out of this one.
When they arrived back at Mike and Jana’s, it was dark. Shelly thanked Jonathan and Elena from the backseat of the car and told them they didn’t have to drive around to find a parking place, they could just drop her off.
Elena reached over the seat when they said good-bye and gave Shelly’s arm a squeeze. “I’m so glad I got to meet you. I know Jonathan thinks highly of you. I can see why. I wish you lived here. It would be great to get to know you better.”
Shelly absorbed Elena’s words with the affection with which they were being offered. Of course Elena liked her. She didn’t know that Shelly had once been inside of Jonathan’s heart the way Elena apparently was now. Jonathan had chosen not to show her any of his past scars. Shelly could only assume that when Elena had entered his heart, she had found no shrines to past loves that she had to knock down, which meant that Jonathan had swept his life clean of Shelly. Either that or Elena didn’t yet have full access to his heart.
“I’m glad we got to spend this time together, too,” Shelly said sincerely. “You know, don’t you, that you’re marrying the last true hero on this planet?”
Elena beamed her appreciation at Shelly and then showered her warm approval on Jonathan.
“At least, that’s what my sister tells me,” Shelly added as she opened the door. She knew the remark had a twist, but she couldn’t resist getting in a final tease. Then, because she was full of red meat and feeling a bit aggressive, she said, “Bye, Joh
nny.”
Before she closed the car door, Shelly caught his final comment, which also carried a snap. “Feel free to write sometime,” he said.
She opened the tall, double wooden doors without looking back. When she entered Mike and Jana’s apartment, Shelly felt overwhelmed. She wanted to throw herself on the bed and sob over Jonathan’s driving away and out of her life forever. She hadn’t expected to feel this strong reaction and found it hard to keep her smile from quivering when Jana asked how the day had gone.
“Wonderful,” Shelly stated. “How’s Meredith feeling?”
“Better, I think. She went back to bed, and she might be asleep already. But she was up for a few hours this afternoon, and we had a good time finally catching up. Are you hungry?”
“Not at all. I’m ready to hit the sack. I could use a bath, though, if that’s okay. We ate at a smoky place, and I can’t stand the way I smell right now.”
“Go ahead. Make yourself comfy. I told Meri if she felt better tomorrow I’d take her to my favorite place for breakfast. Do you have plans, or would you like to go with us?”
“I’d love to go. I have no plans, no plans at all.” As Shelly headed for the bathtub, she added silently, No plans at all for the rest of my life.
Chapter Twenty
Shelly’s statement that she had no plans for the rest of her life didn’t turn out to be completely accurate. She stayed in Germany only two more days and flew home when Meredith went on to her convention in Frankfurt. Shelly didn’t think she could absorb any more stimulation than she had experienced in the last few days.
The decision to return when she did proved to be a good one financially because she was able to pick up another flight attendant’s schedule. During the rest of October, she worked the eighty-five hours allotted to full-time flight attendants for Sunlit Airlines.
During her downtime, Shelly painted her bedroom furniture, weatherized the front porch, and planted tulip bulbs. Busyness was her best friend. Meredith’s new job kept her on the go, and they ended up communicating mostly by notes on the refrigerator door. It made Shelly glad that she and Meri had had the chance to spend those few days together in Heidelberg. In every way, Shelly was determined to start another chapter in her life. She was done with Jonathan.
She did okay until Christmas. Christmas at the Graham house had always been a festive occasion. Shelly’s grandparents on both sides were still living, and they came to Seattle for Christmas week. The oldest Graham daughter, Megan, and her husband and two daughters came for the week also. Mom and Dad’s house was a hub of yuletide activity.
Shelly was able to join in on only a fraction of the fun. She had four flights right before Christmas and wore her beeper through the Christmas Eve candlelight service as well as all Christmas day. Fortunately, no calls came. But being on call was starting to unnerve her. It made it difficult to relax, knowing that at any moment she could be buzzed.
On Christmas day, after the dishes from their big meal had all been washed and everyone had found a comfortable chair to flop into, Shelly sat down with her grandmother Rudi at the kitchen table. Grandma had been eager to see Shelly’s photos from Germany but said she wouldn’t look at them unless Shelly gave a comment on each one. They spent hours together at the kitchen table with mugs of cocoa and a plate of cookies. Her grandmother had never been to Germany, so she wanted to know every detail.
When they came to the picture of Jonathan standing in front of the church with his arm around Elena, Shelly felt a stab of remorse. It was the first she had let herself feel in months.
“This is Jonathan, isn’t it?” Grandma asked.
“Yes, that’s Jonathan. And that’s Elena. His fiancée or maybe his wife. I don’t know when they were planning to get married.”
Grandma Rudi peered at Shelly through her glasses with a peculiar expression. “I didn’t know your Jonathan was getting married.”
“He’s not my Jonathan,” Shelly said quickly. “We’re still good friends. But he’s not my Jonathan.”
Grandma clucked her tongue. “Of course he’s your Jonathan. He was always your Jonathan, and you were always his Shelly Bean. It will always be so.”
Shelly swallowed her regret. “Not this time, I’m afraid. I’m nobody’s Shelly Bean.”
Grandma reached her wrinkled hand over and patted Shelly’s cool, clammy hand. “This is sad news to me, dear one.”
“It’s not so sad. I don’t want to look at it that way.”
“But, my dear, you have made so many deposits into this relationship for so many years. How can you not feel robbed?”
An impulsive tear slipped down Shelly’s cheek. “I don’t know,” she whispered. “I just have to go on.”
With her thin eyebrows drawn together over the frames of her glasses, Grandma Rudi looked compassionately at Shelly. Slowly shaking her head Grandma said, “Two things in life should never be taken for granted. One is a godly heritage. The other is true friends.”
Shelly blinked hard and tried to force her tears back with a smile. “I don’t take either of those gifts lightly,” she said in a hoarse voice. Pulling out the next picture from the stack, she covered up Jonathan’s perpetually smiling face.
“This one is from the cemetery. Dozens of Rudis are buried there, but we couldn’t find a marker for C. C. Rudi,” Shelly said.
“Of course you couldn’t,” Grandma said matter-of-factly. “He’s buried in Texas.”
“In Texas!”
“Yes, didn’t you know that? Carl Christian Rudi was the first one from our family to immigrate to the U.S. He was a circuit preacher in Texas for many years.”
“I searched all over for his grave. I thought he was buried in Hilsbach or Weiler,” Shelly said. “All the information I had was this.” She pulled out the slip of paper with the pertinent details Grandma had jotted down before the trip. When Shelly unfolded the sheet, a perfectly pressed leaf fluttered to the table. Its amber brilliance had faded, but it remained intact.
Grandma Rudi reached across the table and, with a slightly trembling touch, picked up the maple leaf by its dry, spindly stem. “From Germany?” she asked.
“Yes.”
Shelly remembered how she had kidnapped the frail leaf at the church wall and had kept it from being swept away by the wind.
“It’s from the church,” Shelly said, “the one with the date 1509 over the archway. This one.” She turned back to the photo of Jonathan and Elena. “I picked up this little orphan leaf by the stone wall that surrounds the church grounds.”
At the time it had reminded Shelly of the “last gasp of Love’s latest breath.” This evening it gave her the “wonders,” as Elena would say. It was amazing to her that the leaf was still so finely preserved.
“Would you like it?” Shelly asked as Grandma held the frail skeleton up to the light.
“I would.”
“I wish I’d brought you back something better,” Shelly said. “I should have bought you some kind of special souvenir from Germany.”
“This is the best gift you could give me,” Grandma said. “This was once living in the homeland of my ancestors. You preserved it perfectly. Your visit to the church and the cemetery paid a great honor to my family. Thank you, dear.”
“I only wish I’d had a better idea of what I was looking for when I was there. These clues were pretty vague.”
Shelly’s grandma looked at the list. “This is all I had from my mother’s Bible. I believe the significance of the church in Hilsbach was that Carl Christian Rudi was christened there.”
“What about St. Annakapella?”
“I don’t know. I think he was married in the States.”
“It’s a beautiful little chapel with a gorgeous view of the valley. You have to walk through the woods to get to it,” Shelly said, smiling at the memory. “I’ll never forget how I felt when I walked though the hushed woods. It was as if I had entered a private domain, and yet I was welcomed by all the woodland creatures. And
the fragrance! Oh, the scent of those trees—I’ll always remember it.”
Grandma Rudi smiled. “Then you have your answer. All you ever need to know about St. Annakapella is that you were drawn closer to God through his creation on your journey to it. It doesn’t matter what it meant to someone from our family’s past. It has meaning to you now. Write it down so your children will know.”
Shelly felt the corners of her heart squeeze in. My children! What if I never have children? Then what will it matter a hundred years from now that I walked in a distant woods with the only man I’ve ever loved, but all we shared was the breathing in and out of the same air?
The visit with her grandmother ignited in Shelly a fear that life was going to pass her by. Everyone was going to get married and leave her in the dust. In the days that followed Christmas, her mind kept repeating the first line of the poem Jonathan had sent her so long ago: “Since there’s no help.”
She added her own twist to it. Since there’s no hope.
As the after-Christmas depression set in, Shelly felt even more abandoned. She longed for busyness to keep her mind occupied, but it kept running in the same circle of hopelessness. Shelly was emotionally fatigued.
Through it all, she learned that her fear of never marrying was only fed by encountering women who were married or engaged. She learned it was better to hang out with women who weren’t getting married. Women like Meredith.
Chapter Twenty-One
I‘m serious,” Shelly said one chilly January night as she and Meredith were sitting by the fire in their cozy cabin. “If you fall in love, I don’t want to hear about it. If you decide to get married, don’t tell me.”
“Did you get another wedding announcement from one of your high school friends?” Meredith asked. She was sitting on the floor with a shish-kebab skewer and a bag of marshmallows. “How many do you want? Two okay?”
“Sure. Two is good for starters. And no, I didn’t get another invitation. I’m not looking for wedding invitations in the mail.”
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