by Emma Quinn
“Bathroom.”
I took my sweet time walking down the length of the hangar towards the bathroom. There was a water cooler positioned just outside of its doors. Not the most sanitary thing, but I wasn’t in charge of the office layout. Stephen happened to be standing by the cooler, taking a shaky sip of water from a tiny paper cup. He looked nervous for some reason. More nervous than usual. The collar of his Big Bang Theory shirt was completely soaked with sweat, and his glasses were slipping from the bridge of his nose because his face was so moist.
“H-hi, Dianna,” he greeted breathily.
“Hi, Stephen,” I said, not wanting to be impolite.
“H-how are you today?”
I managed a small smile. “I’m… I’m okay. Thanks for asking.”
He wrung his hands together. “S-so, um… So, listen, I was wondering… I-I mean, I w-was…”
“What’s up?” I asked, urging him on.
“W-well, I know you’ve been kind of going through a hard t-time. A-and I know that it’s hard t-to go through t-that kind of stuff al-lone. So, I was wondering if y-you’d maybe want to get d-dinner with m-me sometime? You know, to talk and…” Stephen swallowed so hard I thought his throat was going to cave in. “To g-get to know e-each other better.”
I felt sorry for the guy. My gut reaction was to decline. I wasn’t in a very good headspace right now, and I didn’t want accidentally take out my anger on him. Stephen was sweet, but he just wasn’t my type. I stood there awkwardly, unsure of what to say or do. I didn’t want to have to reject the guy, but I also wasn’t interested. Stephen was clearly trying to ask me out on a date, but there was no way I was ready to move on. And even if I was, the attraction was one sided. The fair thing to do would be to let him down easy and walk away.
But out of the corner of my eye, I happened to spot two men slip in through Pelican Media’s front entrance. They were both impeccably dressed and impossible to miss, both of them handsome as all hell.
One of them was Nathan.
Our eyes locked, drawn to one another like powerful magnets. It was surprisingly good to see him again. The air was suddenly easier to breathe, the crushing weight of gravity no longer keeping me down. I’d missed his handsome face, his gorgeous eyes, the strength of his presence.
But the anger and bitterness and the memory of what he did came rushing back to me. The image of him and Billie in bed together was forever seared into the back of my eyes. How could I ever look at him the same way again? How could I ever get past the fact that he was in bed with another woman?
As soon as Nathan started toward me, irrationality kicked in and wiped common sense from my brain. I quickly turned to Stephen and nodded.
“Okay,” I said, loud enough for the whole office to hear. “Okay, I’d love to get dinner with you, Stephen.”
“R-really?” Stephen gawked, as surprised as I was. His face brightened up. “Oh, o-okay. Yeah. Awesome. Tonight?”
“Tonight’s perfect.”
“G-great! I’ll pick you up after our shift’s o-over.”
I smiled as wide as I could, more than aware that Nathan was fast approaching. “Great. I’ll see you then.”
Stephen skipped off. He nearly tripped when turning the corner, but his glee was more than apparent.
Nathan was stunned. His mouth opened and closed like he was about to say something, but then he promptly folded his arms over his chest and thought against it.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
I caught a whiff of his cologne. I hated how comforting it was. I missed how he smelled. I missed how good he always looked in those suits of his. I missed how electric the air felt against my skin when he was near.
“I wanted to see you,” he said slowly.
God, I missed his voice.
“Well, here I am. You can go now.”
“Have you been getting my gifts?”
“Yes.”
“Why have you been returning them?”
“I think the answer’s perfectly clear. I want nothing to do with you.”
The slightly younger gentleman who’d accompanied Nathan into the building leaned to the side and popped out from behind him. He had a goofy grin on, a wild mess of light brown curls for hair. There was no denying that he was handsome, too, but not as handsome as Nathan. This guy had more of a boyish charm, a restless energy that reminded me of a kid running around a playground. He threw me a little wave.
“Hi!” he greeted. “I don’t think we’ve been formally introduced. I’m Matthew Lopez, Nate’s best friend and moral support.”
“Shut up, Matty,” Nathan grumbled through clenched teeth.
I squinted at Nathan. “Moral support?”
“I had to convince him to come,” Matty explained. “I said that the best apology is one that’s face to face.”
“I said shut up.”
“He never shuts up about you,” Matty continued, completely oblivious. He seemed like a nice guy. If things hadn’t happened the way they had, maybe we’d be friends.
“I’m going to have to ask the two of you to leave,” I said sternly. “This is a place of business.”
Nathan took a step forward.
I took a step back.
“Dianna,” he said quietly. “I just need a minute of your time. Can we talk somewhere in private?”
Rachel cleared her throat behind me, nearly startling me out of my shoes. “You can use my office,” she offered. She stuck her hand out to shake with Matty, a wry smile on her lips. “I’m Rachel Pelican. Who might you be?”
Matty smiled at Rachel. Smiled in a way that told me he very much liked what he saw. “Well, hello there. You can call me Matty.”
Nathan pinched the bridge of his nose. “Reign it in, man.”
Matty waved a dismissive hand at his friend. “Uh-huh. You two go talk. Miss Pelican, would you care to give me a tour of your lovely business?”
A light dusting of pink colored Rachel’s cheeks. “It would be my pleasure.”
They left arm in arm, leaving Nathan and I awkwardly standing there.
Nathan glanced to the floor, glaring at the space between us. “Are you really going to dinner with that guy?”
“What’s it to you?”
“I don’t… I don’t want you to.”
“That’s really not something for you to decide, is it?”
“Dianna, I know I hurt you. But–”
“I need to get back to work,” I said, turning on my heel to leave.
Nathan reached out and took hold of my hand. My heart seized at the contact. It was stupid how nice and warm and big and perfect his hand felt on mine. It was like two pieces of a perfect puzzle.
“I didn’t sleep with her,” he said quietly, no doubt trying to keep nosey colleagues from overhearing our conversation. “I swear to God, Dianna. I didn’t sleep with her. I drank to much, she brought me home. That’s it.”
“Then why were you both naked?”
Nathan grimaced. “I know that looks bad. But I swear, we didn’t do anything. It was never my intention to go home with her that night. I wasn’t in control.”
“You have to understand that this is all very hard for me to believe.”
His shoulder’s slumped. The pain behind his dark brown eyes was evident. It hurt me to look at him in so much agony.
“I know,” he replied weakly. “I know. But, please, just try.”
Guilt was eating away at my insides. I hated seeing him like this. But I was still too full of rage to even think about giving him a second chance.
Come to think of it, this was his third chance. He lied to me about who he was. How could I be sure that he wasn’t lying about sleeping with Billie?
When it was all said and done, I had to put myself first. I couldn’t keep risking my heart in the hands of someone I didn’t think I could ever trust. I’d been burned before. Every single time I thought I’d learned my lesson. This time around, I wasn’t going to take any more chances.
&n
bsp; “Please leave, Nathan,” I mumbled softly. “I have work to do.”
“But–”
“And I’ve got a date tonight, so I should probably get ready for that.”
Nathan gazed into my eyes, searching for something. What exactly, I couldn’t be sure.
“Is this really what you want?” he asked. “Are we really done? If we are, then I promise not to bother you anymore.”
I picked at under my fingernails and took a deep breath. I was seconds away from bursting into tears. This was all just too much. I wanted to go home. I wanted to crawl into bed. For just one second, I wanted the world to disappear and leave me the hell alone.
Were we done? Was this really it? If I walked away right now and never got to see Nathan again, would I seriously be okay with that? I couldn’t give him an answer. My mind was swirling, a mess of thoughts. Hypotheticals bounced around in my head, left a mess in its wake. If I never saw Nathan again, what would I do? Would I grow stronger and smarter? Or would I crumble?
I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t bring myself to.
I walked away, every step heavier than the last.
20
Dianna
I
felt like a giant turd.
Every fiber of my being was tired. I felt bloated. My jaw was sore because I’d been grinding my teeth in my sleep. Some people turned to smoking, others to alcohol. I apparently carried my stress in my molars. It got so bad that I had to stop by the convenience store to pick up one of those cheap plastic mouthguards so I didn’t grind my teeth into dust.
The restaurant that Stephen chose was, in a word, weird. Definitely not what I was expecting. It was some sort of space-themed café where all of the servers were dressed in astronaut suits, the tables were covered in linen with a crater-like pattern printed onto it, and all of the drinks glowed under the numerous white lights overhead for an extra spacey vibe. Even the menu was space-themed.
“I think I’ll get the spaghetti and asteroids,” Stephen thought aloud. “That’s their version of spaghetti and meatballs.”
Memories of the delicious meal Nathan prepared for me all those weeks ago at the Soup Kitchen played across my mind. I recalled in great detail how he made everything from scratch, graceful hands handling the tools of the trade with such expertise and fluidity that it stunned me into an appreciative silence. I tried not to tear up, but it was hard.
You’re not going to cry about spaghetti and meatballs, dammit.
“What do you think you’ll get?” Stephen asked me.
I browsed over the menu. There were little cartoon aliens printed onto the paper. “I’m not sure,” I admitted. “It all looks so… Um, interesting.”
“I personally like the dough stars,” he explained enthusiastically. “It’s like a pizza, but they shape it into a star and stuff a bunch of peperoni onto it. That’s supposed to represent sun spots.”
I nodded and forced a smile. “I see.”
“Y-you know, I have to admit… I didn’t think you were actually going to agree to go on a date with me.”
I didn’t, either, but I don’t want to get into it.
“I-I’m just going to say it.” He nervously rubbed his hands together. “I’ve had, like, the hugest crush on you since… Well, since I first met you, I guess.”
“That’s… That’s really sweet of you, Stephen.”
“Please, just call me Steve. My mother calls me Stephen.”
“Are you close to your mother?” I asked, trying to keep things friendly. It made me uncomfortable to hear about Stephen’s feelings for me.
He nodded. “I… Yeah, I guess you could say that.”
“What’s she like?”
“Oh, um… Overprotective, I guess. That’s a good way to put it.”
“All good mothers are protective.”
Stephen snorted when he laughed. It was wet and loud and really gross, but I did my best not to cringe.
“No, not my mother. She won’t even let me move out of the basement until I get a better paying job. Or until she dies. Whichever comes first, right?”
I giggled nervously. “Oh, that’s… That’s interesting.”
Our waiter literally moonwalked over. I had to wonder if he was a part-time dancer because it was actually quite impressive. He flipped the reflective visor of his astronaut helmet up and greeted us with a traditional live long and prosper hand sign.
“Greetings, earthlings,” he said, way too immersed in his role. “Are we ready to send off our request to the space station?”
I hesitated. “I might need a few more minutes to–”
“I’ll just order for the two of us,” Stephen cut me off. “I’ll have the interstellar supreme special, and she’ll have the galactic salad.”
“Roger, roger. I’ll blast off with these orders.” Our astronaut waiter zipped off, more pip in his step than I was expecting from someone who had to work in a place like this.
“What’s the galactic salad?” I asked, trying not to sound disgruntled. I didn’t like people ordering my food for me.
Nathan would never do that.
“It’s just what they all a Caesar salad. They give you an extra big piece of garlic bread with cheese, though.” Stephen reached across the table and took my hand. His fingers were greasy and sweaty and sticky all at the same time. “Y-you look very pretty tonight.”
“Oh, um… Thanks?”
“You’re like, the prettiest person at work, you know. I didn’t think you’d take a chance on a guy like me.”
I bit my bottom lip. If I wasn’t already uncomfortable, I was now. “That’s, um… Thank you,” I managed to bite out.
“So, I was thinking, like… Next weekend, there’s this big comic book convention. I know it’s a little early, but I was wondering if you wanted to go with me?”
I wasn’t opposed to the idea of going to a comic book convention. I’d gone to several in the past, drawn there by fantastic photography opportunities. Tons of people would go dressed as their favorite characters, adorning costumes that they painstakingly made by hand. I could appreciate the hard work that went into cosplaying, though I’d never consider participating myself. I was more than happy in my role as an observer.
“I, uh… I’ll have to think about it. Work’s kind of busy, you know?”
“But you’re not working on any big projects right now. I checked.”
I held my breath. “Why did you check?”
Stephen shrugged. “I guess I just wanted to make sure you weren’t overworking yourself. You do that, you know. You work so hard you sometimes lose track of time.”
I shifted in my seat.
Why is he watching me? How long has this been going on?
“Oh, I…”
Stephen squeezed my fingers. It wasn’t comforting like when Nathan did it. There was a pressure to his squeeze, something almost possessive. Things were getting alarmingly intense, the sirens in my head screaming at me to bail out.
I pulled my hand away and got up from the table, fight or flight instincts kicking in.
“Where are you going?” he asked, standing up with me.
“The bathroom,” I blurted. “Just to the bathroom.”
“O-oh, okay. I can show you–”
“No, no,” I cut him off. “I can see them from here. I’ll go by myself.”
Stephen sat back down and chuckled. “Okay, okay. Sorry. Just didn’t want you to get lost.”
“Don’t worry, I won’t.”
“I know. I guess I thought you might up and leave.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a happy one. It was overly friendly, tipping the scales to the point of creepy.
I laughed along, only because I didn’t want to set Stephen off. I weaved around tables and go to the long hallway to the left of the kitchen, following the bathroom signs. I entered and nearly slipped on a wet tile, but I pressed forward. Locking myself in one of the cramped stalls, I sat down on the edge of the closed toilet seat and pulled my knees to m
y chest.
Tonight was a mistake.
I shouldn’t have come.
I sniffled. My stomach was upset. My throat was burning. I felt so dizzy that I wanted to puke my guts out. I didn’t want to be here, but there was no escape. If only I hadn’t been so petty when I saw Nathan walk in through the door. I thought by agreeing to go on this date, I’d be able to hurt him a little. It was selfish and wrong and I shouldn’t have done it, and now I was in a mess of my own making.
I tentatively fish my phone out of my bag, thumbs hovering over the screen.
Dianna – I’m so sorry, Nathan. I might be in trouble. Can you please pick me up?
I didn’t press send. Staring at my message was the best I could do. This was my fault. I was the one who agreed to go out with Stephen. I needed to be a big girl and stand up for myself.
Maybe this place had a back exit. It was a restaurant, so I assumed there had to be one for emergency purposes. If I could just sneak out without Stephen knowing, I’d be in the clear. A part of me felt really bad. It wasn’t like me to ditch a guy on a date, no matter how terrible it was. Stephen even said that he was worried I’d ditch him, which made me feel very guilty. I was just going to have to tell him to his face that this wasn’t working out.
Just be honest. We’re better as friends and colleagues.
I took as deep a breath as I dared. The bathroom air was stale and reeked of urine, shit, and heavy cleaning chemicals, so it was almost impossible. After exiting the bathroom, I returned to the table, but didn’t sit down.
Stephen looked up at me and smiled. “Welcome back to Earth.” He laughed at his own joke.
“I’m sorry,” I said quickly, forcing my way through it. “This isn’t working for me, Stephen. I’d like to go home.”
His face darkened. “Oh.”
“I’ll pay for everything,” I said, already reaching into my bag to pull out my wallet. I tossed about a hundred dollars in twenties onto the table. It should have been more than enough to cover the bill and the astronaut waiter’s tip. “I’m just… I think I’m going to go. I’m sorry, Stephen. You’re a great–”
“I’m a great guy,” he grumbled. He refused to look at me. Stephen clenched and unclenched his hands on the table. “I know. I’ve heard it before.” He chuckled bitterly. “Can’t blame a guy for trying, right?”