Things are changing, I already knew that. She’s changing, I’m changing, I’m feeling shit I never wanted to feel again. And I’ve just let her go because I can’t say the words, can’t let her see the truth; can’t tell her what I’m really feeling here. Or maybe I just finally realized I was never gonna win this one.
I think I might’ve lost.
For the first time in my fucking life.
Lola
It’s only once I’m outside that I feel like I can breathe again, and I lean back against the wall and let that long, deep breath escape before I pull out my phone, finding him in a second on speed dial.
“Mike?”
“Lola? What’s up? I thought you didn’t…”
“You busy?”
“No. I mean, I’m at work, but…”
“I’m coming over. I’ll bring food. You want lunch, right?”
“Erm, yeah. Yeah, lunch’d be great.”
“Chinese?”
“Perfect.”
“I’ll be there in about twenty minutes or so.”
I smile at Frank who’s leaning back against the Lexus, but I won’t be needing him anymore. I’m not in the mood to look at apartments now, and I’ve also decided to move out of the hotel, I should never have agreed to stay there. I think going back to Kat’s is the best idea, until I find my own place. I can rearrange those viewings I’m about to cancel, that’s not a problem. Because I can’t take Evan up on his offer. I’m not living in a place he’s paying for. A place that’s so close – too close to his own apartment. This gesture, what he did just now, it’s shifted everything to another level, the atmosphere between us in there, it wasn’t something I’ve ever felt before when I’ve been with him. And I panicked, yeah. I needed to get away. I need to see Mike.
I tell Frank I won’t need him now, and even though he offers to drive me to my favorite Chinese restaurant to pick up lunch I decline the offer. I know he’s discreet, but he’s also extremely loyal to Evan, and – well. I don’t know. I don’t know if he’d tell Evan I was going to see Mike, if he knew. I just don’t want to risk it. Although, I don’t feel like I actually have anything to hide. I just don’t think it’s any of his business, and he might make it his business, if he knew where I was going.
So I take a cab to the restaurant, and from there I walk the short distance to the Cavendish King offices. And they’re wonderfully quiet this Saturday afternoon. Not entirely devoid of people – there are always people here no matter what day it is – but compared to a weekday the atmosphere is positively relaxed.
I find Mike in his office, his head down over a stack of papers, his fingers wound in his hair, and he’s so engrossed in what’s he’s doing he only looks up when I close the door and place the bag of Chinese take-out on his desk.
“You hungry yet?”
He smiles. “Starving. I missed breakfast ‘cause I wanted to get here as early as I could to work on this.”
“What is it?”
“A new case Dana gave me. A contractual issue between a high-profile TV actor and their former agent. The network he’s involved with right now are clients of Cavendish King, and they want us to represent him. Anyway, from what I’ve been told, this could get bitter if we don’t try to diffuse it quickly.”
“Who’s the actor?”
He twists the paper on the desk in front of him around and pushes it toward me. I lean over and look at the name he’s pointing at, and I let out a low whistle. “Whoa! Good luck with that one. I’ve heard he can be a huge pain in the ass.”
“Tell me about it.” He sits back in his chair and puts his hands behind his head, breathing out slow and deep. “Anyway. Let’s eat.”
He pushes his chair back, picks up the bag of food, takes it to the glass table at the other end of the room and proceeds to unpack the cartons.
“You get some of those spicy noodles I like?”
“Extra chili. And some of that fried mushroom rice we only discovered just before…”
I stop talking, because we’d only just discovered that rice a couple of days before the wedding, on a night out at the restaurant. And he remembers that too, when he looks down I can see the pain on his face, the regret. Because it’s the first time I’ve really taken a minute to allow myself to see it. Before that I was too frightened to think that he really was sorry for what he’d done; too frightened at what I might do; what I might let happen, if I believed him.
“Chopsticks or forks?” he asks, finally raising his gaze, and he smiles a small smile and I return it. I don’t want this to be uncomfortable or awkward. I just want us to spend some time together, and talk. I want us to try and be us again. I need to see how that feels. I need to know if it really could work, again.
“You know I’m crap with chopsticks.”
“Yeah, but it’s funny to watch you struggle.”
“You’re such a bastard.”
I sit down and pick up a carton of chicken and prawn chow mein. It smells amazing, and I don’t think I realized just how hungry I was until now.
“Okay. Pass me the chopsticks, come on. I’m not having anyone say I don’t give things another go.”
He smiles again and hands me the chopsticks. “Here. Let me show you – again – how to hold them properly. Lie that one there, in that crook between your thumb and forefinger, and the other one... there you go! You managed to get a prawn in without it visiting the table first.”
“Patronizing prick. Open wide, come on. See if I can get this piece of chicken in your mouth without dropping it, then I’m declaring my chopstick experience a success.”
I slide the piece of chicken into his mouth and he grins as he chews it. And then he leans forward and he kisses me and I don’t push him away. When he pulls back and continues eating it’s a strangely comforting atmosphere, like we’ve just slipped straight back into a routine that never really got broken.
“This food is good. We really are gonna have to visit this place more often, maybe have a specified date night there or…” He stops talking, and he drops his head, and I feel something so strong and so real well up in me, it’s rising from the very depths of my stomach, flooding me with a painful inevitability and I now know why everything’s changing. It has to change. There’s no other way for this to go now. “I’m sorry. I guess I got a bit carried away.”
“No. No, baby, you didn’t. You didn’t. Mike, look at me. Please.”
He raises his gaze and my heart breaks into a million pieces because I still don’t know if I should do this. If he hurts me again it’s going to destroy me and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to get through it a second time. I’m not even sure I got through it the first time, not yet, it’s still too soon. But he came back. And I know he didn’t come back for me, but he came back. This happened. And a million nights with Evan King aren’t going to change the way this was always going to end. I just didn’t want to see it. No, I did, I saw it, I just didn’t want to accept it.
“I never stopped loving you, Mike. Even when you… I never stopped loving you.”
“I’m so sorry, Lola, I…”
“I know. I know you are, and I think it’s time we stopped saying sorry now, don’t you?”
“I won’t hurt you again, I…”
“No, Mike, don’t make those promises, don’t say those words because… because if it happens, and it might, we can’t predict the future – if it happens I don’t want you to have broken a promise. So don’t make any.”
He holds out a hand and I take it, and he pulls me up and I straddle him, and his fingers grasp my hips as he kisses me slowly and I feel every muscle, every fiber of my being relax, because I’m home. I’m not fighting this or him, not anymore. And I have no idea what this means for my job here at Cavendish King; what Evan’s going to do when he finds out, because he will. Monday morning is going to be tough and I’m nervous of Evan’s reaction, but, at the same time, he won’t want to draw any attention to whatever it was we had together.
/> But he’s a man who doesn’t like to lose.
A man who’s never lost.
He’s just lost me.
Nineteen
Lola
I moved out of the hotel on Saturday afternoon, and straight into Mike’s new loft apartment. It’s close to Union Square, an area we’re both familiar with because that’s where my – where our old apartment used to be, and while it’s not even in the same league as Evan’s penthouse, it feels more like home. It’s more compact and cozy; more us.
“I hate Mondays,” I groan as I turn over onto my back and stretch out, flinging my arms up above my head. We’ve barely left the apartment all weekend. I haven’t even been in touch with Kat to tell her of these new developments; that me and Mike are back together, I just haven’t had the time. Maybe she already knows, if Mike’s called Eric, and I don’t know whether he has or not because we’ve rarely been apart since Saturday afternoon.
“Yeah, well, I’ve got a deposition at ten thirty and I’m in court this afternoon, so, as much as I would love to stay here, with you, and extend this weekend a little longer, I think Dana and Evan would have something to say about that.”
Just hearing him say Evan’s name kicks up a small wave of fear in the pit of my stomach, but I try to brush it aside. I can handle Evan. I can handle this. It’s just not something I’m looking forward to, that’s all. I’ve only known Evan King – only worked for him for a fortnight, and he can be an unpredictable man, I know that. People have told me that. But I can handle him.
Mike kisses me quickly, hauls himself out of bed, and heads into the bathroom, leaving me to stretch out again on his ultra-comfortable bed, and I turn my head to look outside. The view from his apartment isn’t as stunning as the one from Evan’s, but it’s still pretty amazing, and as it’s almost fall now the trees are starting to change color and everything seems to have a different feel to it. Much like my life. That’s suddenly got a different feel to it, too.
“Do you want some breakfast?” Mike asks as he comes out of the bathroom.
I pull myself up into a sitting position, hugging my knees to my chest as I watch him get dressed. “I’m not all that hungry.”
“No. Neither am I.” He sits down on the edge of the bed and trails his fingers lazily over my thigh. “I know you weren’t happy, with me telling everyone about our history, but…”
“It was always going to come out, Mike.”
“I didn’t do it because I thought it might get you to think about us…”
I look at him, and I raise a slightly cynical eyebrow.
“Okay.” He laughs and drops his head before he raises his gaze and his eyes meet mine. “Okay, maybe at the time I hadn’t meant it to be for that reason, but, y’know…” He shrugs, and I smile.
“Yeah. I know.”
“I’ve been an idiot, Lola.”
“Well, you won’t get any arguments from me on that score.”
His fingers move a little higher, snaking around to my inner thigh, and my smile grows that little bit wider. “I don’t deserve a second chance…” he murmurs, leaning in closer to me.
“No. You don’t,” I whisper, and his mouth is almost touching mine now. I can feel his breath on my face, and my eyes slowly close as I wait for the kiss.
“But I am gonna do everything in my power to make it up to you, baby.”
“Let’s hope you’re not afraid of hard work then, huh?”
He laughs quietly, his mouth resting lightly against mine as his fingers gently brush my skin and he’s not going anywhere yet. I pull him down over me, and I reach out and unzip him and he’s inside me in a heartbeat, and I lie back and enjoy this slow and gentle morning sex. Because it feels safe. Familiar. I know what this is, and I know what I’m doing here.
I love Mike.
It was never like that with Evan.
I only hope he understands that.
*
“Something’s put a smile on your face this morning. Or, possibly, someone?”
I grin at Jess as I step off the elevator and into the bright and airy reception area here on the 43rd floor of the Cavendish King building. “Me and Mike – we’re back together.”
She grabs my wrist and we stop walking. “Really?”
“Really.”
“When did that happen?”
“Saturday afternoon. Something just – I don’t know. Something just clicked, Jess. Something that made me realize I can carry on being stubborn, carry on pretending that one day he won’t mean anything to me, but, he does. And I couldn’t ignore it any longer, it was too exhausting.”
“He wore you down, huh?” she winks as we resume walking.
“Yeah. Something like that.”
“And you’re happy?”
“Yeah. I’m happy. Everything just feels how it should be, y’know? If that makes sense… And we’ve already moved in together, I mean, why delay something that was only going to happen eventually anyway?”
“And you’re sure?”
“About Mike? As sure as I can be, Jess. But I love him too much to over think this.”
“Then you go for it, girl. And I hope the pair of you are ridiculously happy.”
I throw her a smile. “Thanks.”
“Oh, and speak of the, very handsome, I have to say, devil.”
I turn to see Mike dart out from one of the meeting rooms, stopping right in front of us, his hands in the pockets of his dark suit. “Hey.” He grins at me, and I eye him slightly warily.
“Hey yourself. What’s the matter?”
“Nothing.”
“You sure about that?”
“Listen, Lola, I’ve been a jerk, okay? What I did to you, the crap I put you through – I was a coward for acting the way I did, and…”
I look at Jess. “What’s he doing?”
She shrugs, but she doesn’t take her eyes off Mike, and she looks like she’s enjoying this. I’m just a touch freaked out because we have an audience now. Everyone within earshot has stopped what they’re doing and they’re watching us, like they’re waiting for the next installment of a soap opera.
“But I’m not that jerk anymore. I promise you that, I am not that man – the one who left you and hurt you and… I’m not him. I love you, I don’t think I ever stopped, I just – I got scared. Because I loved you so much and…” He drags a hand through his hair, drops his gaze for a second or two, and then he raises his head and his eyes meet mine and I feel my stomach twist and turn with a mixture of nerves and excitement. “Let’s try again, Lola. Please. Only, this time I’ll turn up, I... will you marry me, baby?”
For a second it’s like everything’s stopped, like the entire world has just ceased turning. It also feels like I’m not the only one who’s holding my breath, everyone who heard that seems to be holding theirs too, but all I can do is look at him. He’s serious, I can tell he is, and my stomach dips lower. And then I feel Jess’s hand grasp my wrist, and I actually hear her sharp intake of breath.
“I… Jesus, Mike… yes. Yes! I’ll marry you!”
Jess squeals in my ear, and as I throw myself into Mike’s arms everyone around us whistles and cheers and breaks into a round of applause but I’m only aware of Mike kissing me, and I wind my arms around his neck and kiss him back, smiling like a crazy woman.
“Did you plan this?” I whisper, my mouth still resting against his.
He gives a small nod. “Sort of. I’ve kind of been kicking the idea around since I came back to New York, but, well – y’know. I didn’t know if we’d ever get back to this. To us. And it was beginning to look like you were never gonna give me another chance, but I kept hoping because… because I love you, Lola. And I didn’t want to give up on the idea that we could try again. And then, when Saturday happened, I knew I had that second chance, you’d given me that second chance, but, I wasn’t sure how you’d react. If I asked you to marry me. Again.”
“And you thought asking me here, at work, in a very public place w
as the best way to guarantee you weren’t humiliated, huh?”
He grins, and shrugs, and he kisses me again.
“I could’ve said no.”
“You weren’t really gonna say no.”
I mock gasp. “Oh, my God! This man thinks so much of himself!” I laugh and he kisses me again, and then he pulls back slightly and digs his hand back into his pocket, pulling out a ring – a different ring, because I still have the last one he gave me. “Mike…” And I watch as he slips the delicate white-gold diamond solitaire on to my finger.
“Perfect fit.” He smiles, and then he lifts my hand up and he kisses it, his lips brushing gently over my third finger, and I feel like I’m in the middle of some overly-romantic TV movie. “I love you, Lola.”
“Oh, baby, I love you too. God help me.”
I take his face in my hands and I kiss him again, before Evan’s voice cuts in and breaks the mood.
“Congratulations are in order, I take it.”
I pull away from Mike, but he keeps his arm around my waist, and I look at Evan. His expression is, of course, stoic as ever, but I can see it in his eyes – this is what I’d feared.
“Yes, we… it’s all been a bit of a surprise, a bit of a whirlwind, but…”
“We’re back together.” Mike finishes the sentence because I couldn’t get the words out.
“And you’re getting married.” Evan looks at me, straight at me, for the briefest of moments, but it’s enough for me to know that this isn’t over. “A second attempt, huh?”
“I won’t let her down this time.” Mike squeezes my waist and I look at him, accepting one last kiss before he lets go of me. “I’ll see you later, beautiful.”
I smile at him, and I watch as he heads back into the meeting room while everyone else around us resumes their Monday morning.
Lawfully His (A Dirty Business Novel Book 1) Page 16