“Do you love me, Lola?”
“You know I do.”
“Then let’s do this. Let’s just pack a few things, get in the car, and take a road trip to a brand new life…”
“Mike, please…”
“Why’s that such a bad idea, huh?”
“I didn’t say it was a bad idea. I just don’t appreciate you turning up here and laying this on me like it’s the perfect solution to this mess.”
“I think it is.”
“In your opinion.”
“So, what is this, Lola? You keeping your options open? Still can’t decide between me and him, is that it?”
“This is way more than just me deciding between you and him, Jesus, Mike. This isn’t high school.”
“I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry for leaving you at the altar on our wedding day; sorry for disappearing, for acting like a jerk; I’m sorry for loving you, Lola, but I am not sorry for fighting the way I am. Because I’m fighting for us. You don’t need a man like Evan King. You don’t, baby.”
I take a deep breath and exhale slowly, dropping my gaze because looking at him is making me angry and confused and I really would like him to go.
“You were the one who said he couldn’t do this, Mike.”
“And I can’t. Not here. I can’t do it if he’s here, because all I can think about – all I can see is his hands on you… you and him, together… and that image, I can’t deal with it. I can’t deal with knowing he… I can’t do it, Lola.”
“And you think moving to Toronto is going to make that stop? That doing that is suddenly going to magically erase all those images you’re trying so hard to deal with?”
He frowns slightly. “So, what are you saying? If I can’t deal with knowing Evan King fucked you then we’re done?”
“No, Jesus! That’s not what I’m saying. And I’m not letting you uproot your life like this because I made one mistake.”
“Evan was a mistake?”
I pause for a second or two. Because I don’t know. I don’t know if Evan was a mistake. I thought he was, once. And I just said he was, the words came out of my mouth, but did I mean them? Is my mistake going backwards rather than forwards?
“I want you to leave, Mike. Please.”
“Whatever I said, about not being able to handle this, Lola, I’ll try. I promise you, baby, I’ll try.”
“And I said I didn’t want any promises. They always get broken.”
He looks at me, and I feel my heart shatter all over again, it really can’t take much more.
“But this time it was you who broke them, Lola.”
He turns and walks out of the kitchen, and a part of me wants to run after him, to stop him from leaving, but I don’t. I let him go. I came here for some space and up until now I haven’t really had a chance to take advantage of that; to actually start to think about the mess I’m in. So I let him go. And then I find a bottle of wine already open in the fridge and I pour myself a large glass, knocking half of it back in one mouthful.
“Hey! Lola? You home?”
I pick up my glass and walk out into the living room. “You better have alcohol somewhere in those bags.”
Kat holds up two bags of take-out. “Chinese food, and beer. That do you?”
“You’re a star. Where’s Eric?”
“He’s gone to Mike’s, and considering I’ve just passed Mike on the way up here I think that’s probably a wise move. Doesn’t look like he should be on his own. Something happen?”
I take the bags from her and place them on the table, and as I gather together plates and cutlery I tell her exactly what happened with Mike.
“Toronto, huh?”
“A new start.”
“Is that such a bad idea?”
I sit down and grab the nearest carton of food, opening it and breathing in the wonderful smell of prawn chow mein. “I’m not going to make decisions like that when everything’s such a mess, Kat.”
She pushes a beer toward me, and I pick it up and take a long draft. On top of the wine I’ve already drank I’m starting to feel slightly lightheaded, so I’m glad she’s brought food. I certainly couldn’t be bothered to cook anything.
“I don’t even know how it got to this.” I cross my legs up underneath myself and pull my hair back into a ponytail before I resume my attack on the prawn chow mein. “Oh, hang on, yeah. I do. You told me I needed a rebound fuck.”
“You could’ve said no.”
“I tried.”
“Not very hard. Come on, Lola, the second Evan King spoke to you, you knew you were gonna drop those panties and open those legs. And, yeah, I wanted you to have some fun because you were losing yourself. Do you have any idea just how miserable you were? But I didn’t tell you to keep on seeing him once you found out he was your boss. That was all on you, hon.”
“I know.” I sigh and put my carton of food down, pick up my beer and swallow down another long draft. “I know.”
“When did it stop being the rebound fuck it started out as, Lola?”
I look at her, cocking my head to one side. “I’m sorry?”
“When did sleeping with your boss stop being the escape you needed, and become the thing you wanted?”
“I don’t understand…”
She leans forward and her eyes bore right into mine. “When did things change, Lola? Because they did, didn’t they?”
“I don’t… I don’t know, Kat, I… I don’t know.”
And I don’t. But she’s right. Somewhere down the line being with Evan became something else. I’d started to want him to stay the night, wanted to wake up beside him and know that he’d been there, all night. And that wasn’t how things had started out, how they were supposed to be, ever. And now Kat’s said those words out loud…
“I don’t love him, Kat.”
“I’m not saying you do. You love Mike, I know that, and so do you, but you and Evan – things changed, kiddo, and you know that, too.”
I look down at my beer, and I take a second to let Kat’s words sink in.
“I have to end it, Kat.”
I put down my beer and push back my chair, grab my Converse from the floor and yank them on.
“Huh? End what? Lola? End what…? Where are you going?”
I shrug on my jacket and look at her as though she should know the answer to all of those questions. “I need to see Mike. I need to end it, Kat.”
“Whoa! Hang on, where’s this come from?”
“It isn’t fair on him. None of this is fair on him.”
“But… Lola. Why are you ending it? I mean, aren’t you supposed to be taking a few days to think about this?”
“You know what, Kat? I’m sick of feeling like some second-rate, over-age prom queen trying to decide between the two best-looking guys in class. I’m thirty-nine. I’m a grown-up. It’s time I started acting like one.”
“Then marry Mike, move to Toronto, have babies, live happily ever after…”
“I’m ending it, Kat. And not just with Mike. I’m ending it with Evan, too. I want it done, I need to move on.”
“Lola…”
“Landing that job at Cavendish King was supposed to be my new start. And I almost messed that up. But I think I can still pull it back, and that’s what I’m going to try and do. Without the complications.”
“Are you sure about this?”
I look at her, and I throw her what I hope is a convincing smile. “Yeah. I’m sure.”
I take a cab to Mike’s apartment, the short journey not really giving me much time to think, but that’s almost a relief. I’ve been going back and forth for far too long and I needed to make a decision. Dana’s words kind of hit home, about making sacrifices in order to get what we really want. I want a new start. And maybe there are things I need to sacrifice in order to finally get that.
“Lola, I… what’re you doing here? I thought…”
“Are you on your own?”
“Erm, yeah. Eric’s just lef
t…”
“Can I come in?”
“Yeah. Yeah, of course you can.”
He lets me through and closes the door behind us.
“Mike, I… I’m here because…” I take a long, deep breath, briefly dropping my gaze, but my eyes are back on his before I speak again. “I have to end it, Mike. All of it.”
It’s pointless working up to this, I need to tell him now. But he looks confused as he walks toward me. “End what, Lola?”
“This. Us.”
He shakes his head, and he moves a little closer. “No. No, Lola, there’s – there’s no need…”
“There’s every need. We can’t go back, we can’t go there. We can’t do it, we tried…”
“Is this because of him? You’re choosing him? Is that it?”
“I’m choosing no one, Mike.”
He steps back from me, pushes a hand through his hair and turns away, and for a few beats he keeps his back to me. He says nothing.
“How many times, Lola?”
“I’m sorry?”
He turns to face me, and I can’t read the expression on his face, I can’t. And now I’m the one who’s slightly confused.
“How many times did you and Evan King sleep together?”
“Come on, Mike…”
“You gonna tell me I don’t need to know?”
“You don’t.”
“Okay. Maybe I don’t. But maybe I want to.”
“Mike…”
“How many time, Lola? Was it just the once? No, of course it wasn’t just once, I already know that. Three times? Four? Was it just straight sex or does he have some twisted needs that you were quite happy to fulfill…?”
“All right, that’s enough. I’m not doing this, this is crazy. Evan and me had something I can’t explain, okay? But it was nothing more than an escape, that’s all it was…”
“You’re lying.”
I look at him, right into his eyes, and he knows. He can tell, and he’s right. I’m lying.
“It stopped being that, at some point, though. Didn’t it? Even when we got back together you still had feelings for him, didn’t you, Lola? I just don’t think you realized it.”
“Mike… you don’t know…”
“I know that at our engagement party he was still trying to take you from me. I saw him talking to you, and when I asked you what he’d wanted you said he was just congratulating us. And you were lying. Oh, I didn’t know it at the time. I believed you. At the time. But thinking back, knowing what I know now… you were lying.”
“Nothing was going on when we were together, Mike. Nothing.”
“I don’t think you had sex, when we were together. I believe that. But what I don’t believe now is that you stopped thinking about him; stopped wanting him.”
“I wanted you.”
“Past tense. I still want you.”
“Mike, please…”
“I told him, when I went to see him, the night you left… I told him I never really stood a chance. I told him he’d already taken you from me before I’d even got you back. He’d killed us before we ever had a chance to get started again. And now I know I was right. It’s true. He got in the way and he was never gonna move.”
“I don’t want him, Mike.”
“You’re still lying, Lola.”
“I don’t want him.”
“But you don’t want me, either.”
I lean back against the wall and I close my eyes and I take another long, deep breath because I’d never wanted it to come to this. But maybe, in reality, I didn’t know what I wanted at all. And then I feel his palm against my cheek and I open my eyes and look into his.
“Are you coming back to work?” he asks quietly.
I nod, and I cover his hand with mine, letting our fingers slide together.
“Are you still going to work for him?”
“I don’t know.”
“We can still get through this, Lola.”
“We can’t,” I whisper, shaking my head. “I need to be someone else now, Mike. I need to be me.”
“I’m so sorry, Lola. For doing what I did. For destroying us.”
“We tried to make it work again, didn’t we? We tried.”
“I love you, so much, I can’t just kill that dead.”
“I know. I know, and believe me, Mike, there’s a part of me that will always, always love you, too. I just don’t think we can do this.”
“If you go to him…”
“I’m not going to him.”
He lets go of me and steps back, and he’s angry. His eyes are wide, they’re blazing, and I’m slightly taken aback. “Will you stop lying, Lola! Just – just stop fucking lying. Because we both know you’re gonna walk out of here, and you’re gonna go to him and tonight – tonight you’re gonna sleep in his bed and wake up in his arms and if you say you aren’t gonna do that, you’re lying.”
“I’m not going to do that, Mike. I promise.”
“We don’t make promises, Lola. Remember?”
I go over to my purse and I reach inside and I pull out the ring he gave me. “Here.” I take his hand and unfurl his fist and I place the ring in his palm before closing his fingers around it. “I’m sorry, Mike.”
He looks at me, and his expression is almost impassive now. And if there was any shred of my heart left to shatter it would be done. Broken beyond repair.
“Yeah. Yeah, me too.”
We say nothing for a few beats. And our gaze doesn’t shift, our eyes stay locked, until he touches me again, his hand warm against my face and my eyes flicker shut as he kisses me. And I want to fall into his arms; I want to stay here and kiss him until our mouths hurt and our bodies ache but it isn’t fair on him. Because it’s Evan I want.
I love Mike.
Yet it’s Evan I want to be with.
Mike’s right. I lied.
I am going to Evan. And I had every intention of ending it with him, I did. When I told Kat that’s what I was going to do I wasn’t lying. But that was then. This is now.
I’m going to Evan.
I’m not going to end it.
I lied.
I lied…
Thirty
Evan
I hear the door open and I push my chair back and head out into the hallway, wondering who the hell it is, I don’t just give my key to anyone.
“I never did give you this back, did I?”
She throws the key at me and I catch it. “I never asked for it.”
She takes off her jacket and hangs it up. She’s dressed in jeans, sneakers, and a loose fitting T-shirt, her hair pulled back into a ponytail, and without the make-up, the heels and the fitted dresses she looks different. Younger. Softer. But I know she’s still the same woman I first met.
“Is there something I can do for you, Lola?”
She goes over to the sideboard and pours herself a large measure of the same bourbon I sucked from her tits that first night we fucked. And then she turns around and she smiles at me and I don’t know what’s happening here, but whatever it is I’m taking it.
I walk over to her, take the drink from her hand and place it down on the table. And the second my eyes lock on hers the message is clear. She’s come to me, and I’m taking her.
I tug gently at the hem of her T-shirt, and she smiles slightly, and that insane, overwhelming need for her kicks in big time. And I still don’t know whether we’re still talking nothing more than lust here, or whether it’s something else, I don’t know, right now I don’t care, I just know that she’s here, and I want her.
I gather the material of her T-shirt up in my fingers, and her eyes are telling me to do this, to take her, so I push it up, tugging it up over her head, and she kicks off her sneakers, loosens her jeans, and I yank them down, helping her out of them, stripping her naked. I need her naked. I need to feel her against me, the urge is all-consuming now.
Her fingers slide around my neck, her legs circle my hips, and as I lift her up my mouth
crashes down onto hers, it’s crazy, I feel like I’ve been without her for so long I’ve forgotten what she feels like, how she tastes. So the sex, it’s fast and it’s frantic, my thrusts hard and possibly a touch too violent but she isn’t complaining. She’s holding me tight and her quiet moans only cause me to thrust deeper, harder, I’m slamming her back against the wall with this insane need to take her this way. And when the climax hits it hits big, takes me over with an almost brutal force as I come inside her, and I stay there, inside her, as I reach down and touch her, my mouth twisting up into a slight smirk as she flinches. And she looks at me, and she smiles too, biting down on her lip as I circle her clit; bring her to her own, more relaxed climax. She kisses me as I make her come, her fingers stroking the back of my neck as she shudders in my arms, her tiny cries and whispered moans seeping right into me. And I still don’t know what this is. I still don’t know if I care, but maybe I should. I just know that I wanted her, and she came to me.
I slowly pull out of her and she unwraps those legs from around me and stands up, and I watch as she walks toward the bedroom, and I wait, I don’t follow her, she’ll be back. And she is, just seconds later, wearing nothing but one of my shirts, and she’s left it open so I can still see her beautiful body in all its cock-teasing nakedness.
I keep watching her as she reaches for her drink, her eyes meeting mine as she takes a sip, and I walk over to her, take the drink from her and slide a hand into the small of her back. And she knows; she arches her back just a touch, and she closes her eyes as I take a sip of her drink, lean forward, and let the whiskey fall out over her breasts, trickle down across her stomach, and I am done. She’s got me, I’m on lockdown here. I’m fucking trapped.
I grasp her hips and I sink to my haunches, my tongue following the small rivulet of whiskey that’s still trickling down her body, her low moans growing that little bit louder as I delve into her. And I stay there. I touch her, explore her; I taste her, take her, I stay right there until she comes again, her knees almost giving way as the orgasm rocks her body. And I stand up and pull her into my arms, holding her until the spasms subside and she falls against me, exhausted and spent.
Lawfully His (A Dirty Business Novel Book 1) Page 24