Almost, but not quite.
“How do you want me?” she asked again.
He kissed her, sweetly this time, tugging on her lip. “I want to fuck you, hard, right here against this rock. I want to fuck you so hard you scream, and I don’t care who hears you.”
Welcome back, caveman.
She really, really liked where this was headed…or she did until that once familiar haunted look touched his eyes, and he withdrew. Not so much literally, but she felt it.
“I want to, but you deserve more than that.” There was a hitch to his tone. Maybe it was the countdown.
“For what it’s worth,” she said softly, “there’s something to be said for being fucked hard against a rock.”
He didn’t meet her smile, much less return it. The night bathed him in a bedroom light, but instead of leaving her thinking about every delicious, physical thing he’d ever done to her there, she felt him slipping away. Detaching.
“You said this was a first, wanting me like this. What did you want before?”
He stepped away from the rock, bringing her with him, and gently eased her to her feet. Her dress fell more or less back into place, but she wasn’t worried about that. She worried instead about the look in his eyes.
“I wanted to make love to you.”
The words shot through her. They felt right. Too right.
He pushed his fingers through his hair. The effect was sexy. Devastatingly so. “But I guess that was stupid, wasn’t it?”
“What? Why?”
“Because this was temporary. We both knew that going in.”
Her heart crumbled. She knew good-byes were in their future, but increasingly, she’d wanted that to be the temporary part. She wanted them to have a chance.
“I think we can make it work,” she said
His gaze cut to hers. “What are you talking about?”
“I want to come back to you.” Saying the words out loud nearly brought her to her knees. They’d been at the back of her mind, a quiet whisper of a suggestion that she had made a habit of pushing back, but everything with Ethan was so right. With all they had between them, there was nothing left to deny. And she knew he felt the same way because he didn’t play games. He was raw and he was real and she had to believe he wasn’t faking this thing with her. She’d been terrified that he’d never be ready for something more, so she’d talked herself into pretending that she was all about it being temporary for the sake of her career. But the truth was, with all of her career goals within reach, she wanted more. And she could have it, but only if he wanted to meet her halfway.
God, she hoped he’d meet her halfway.
He held her gaze for a long time. Long enough for her to think he might admit that he agreed.
“I’ve never had anyone to come home to,” she said, wishing he’d say something already. “I think you’re that guy.”
“No,” he said, already shaking his head. “I’m not that guy.”
His words numbed her like none ever had. She wasn’t even sure she’d heard him right. There was no way she had imagined this thing between them, which meant he was still running. Only this time he wasn’t running from a ghost. He was running from something real, and he had the nerve to look her in the eye and deny it.
“We both knew all along there was nothing to this,” he said. “You’ll go to the Galapagos, and then you’ll go to the Arctic—”
“Actually,” she confessed, “Bridget told me about a job offer and I’m taking it. It’ll start as soon as I’m ready, or it can wait until after the internship.” Ethan stared incredulously at her, causing her to trip over her words. His denial tore through the last of her defenses—I’m not that guy—but she pushed ahead. She had to tell him. She had nothing more to lose. “The job is with a travel journalist who’s writing an article about shark finning—”
“Shark fishing?” His mouth gaped, and she almost thought it was funny how he’d latched on to the most mundane of details. “Isn’t that the opposite of what you do?”
“No, finning. People catch them and cut off the fins for soup and toss the sharks back in the water, usually alive, and the poor things can’t swim or fend for themselves.” Tears touched her eyes, though she doubted it had anything to do with sharks. Not this time. “From that point, they’re torn apart by predators or opportunists.”
He stared. He stared so long she couldn’t breathe. “And then you’ll go somewhere else. And somewhere else again. This is why,” he said. “You belong out there. You’re driven to tears standing in Central Park in the middle of night by goddamned sharks dying. I’m not saying it’s not a worthy cause.” He stopped, mid-breath, seemingly mid-sentence. And then it was like he gave up.
“We’re going in opposite directions,” he finally said. “That’s never going to change.”
“But it can. If you want it to change, let’s change it.”
“No,” he said. “No, because I’m not going to be the one who changes you.”
He was scared, and he was denying it by pretending his decision was for her good. “I took a chance on you—”
“Of course you did,” he shot back. “That what you do. You fucking take chance after chance after chance. Well, guess what? This one didn’t work out. I’m not going to sit around here waiting for the next good-bye. I’m not going to sit here wondering if you’re even fucking alive.”
“I’m not asking for that,” she said. But wasn’t she?
“Then what the hell do you want?” he asked, echoing her thoughts.
“I want to figure it out. I don’t want to give up on us.” She managed to say the words, but inside she was crumbling. She didn’t have answers. She only knew there had never been another man like him in her life, and she didn’t want to let that go. Not without seeing where it went.
But if he felt the same way, he managed to sidestep it. Bitterly, he said, “It’s over, okay?”
“No it’s not.” The enormous hurt that had overtaken her barely left room for words, leaving her to force every syllable through the ache. “You already changed me. I want that. I want you.” She hated her pleading tone, but this was big. Didn’t he get that? “Don’t over think this, Ethan. There’s only one question here, and that’s whether we want to see where it goes. If you’re willing to do that, that’s all I need. That’s all we need.”
He didn’t say anything. Not with his voice, and not with his face. He remained unreadable. Untouchable.
Gone.
And damned if she would beg. Anymore.
“I just have to do the calendar shoot,” she said stiffly, “and then I’m leaving. It won’t take long. I probably won’t see you.”
“I should take you home.” He couldn’t even meet her eyes.
Something snapped inside her, but it didn’t leave her furious. It left her broken. “I’ll take a cab.”
“If you prefer,” he said, just as stiff. Formal. Polite. Not the voice of a man who’d loved her. She’d been right—it was only the temporary nature of their fling that had kept Ethan coming back for more. “But,” he added. “I’m not leaving you alone out here. I’ll walk you.”
He did, not saying a word, and she didn’t trust herself to speak. Not with her heart breaking. When the cab drew to a stop, he opened her door, then handed the driver a couple of bills. And he watched as the car pulled away.
But he didn’t say good-bye.
He didn’t need to.
She’d heard that loud and clear.
And she’d probably keep hearing it for a long damn time.
…
Ethan felt like utter shit. He’d watched Rue break and he hit the ground with her, and despite the hour that had passed and the fact that he was no longer anywhere near Manhattan, he felt like he’d never left that spot.
She’d offered him everything. What part of him could imagine living without her? But he’d seen the look on her face when she talked about the sharks and the seal pups and the Galapagos and he could not�
�would not—be the man who waited for her and wondered while she was gone whether she was alive or dead. He wouldn’t go through that kind of pain ever again.
He wouldn’t let her think for one moment that he’d fallen for her.
Or that he wasn’t sure how he’d ever get up again.
He’d been worried about the gala, about getting out there and playing the part in front of an audience. But holding her had made everything right. And when Boyd had said that everyone knew Ethan was still married to his dead wife, Ethan had known, unequivocally, that it wasn’t true. Not anymore. He loved Amy, and he always would, but Rue had changed him.
But not enough that he wanted to take that big of a risk.
Both Crosby and Liam had called him, but he ignored the phone in favor of sharing the sofa and the TV with the ugliest dog he’d ever seen. He scratched the one patch of fur she still possessed, and she rested her chin on his thigh. He threw back a beer and tried not to think about the woman who had occupied his thoughts and his bed, but that was easier said than done. He had a great memory and had no problem remembering her sleepy, happy smile. Or what it felt like to sink into her, so hot and soft and ready for anything. The hole in his life would be immense, but he’d get through it. He’d already lost one incredible woman and survived. He’d do it again, but not by holding Rue. He’d get through it by letting her go.
And as long as he kept believing that bullshit, he just might.
Chapter Fifteen
Three days later, Ethan was still pissed, and he wasn’t even sure why. He wasn’t mad at Rue. He wasn’t even mad at himself, really. He was doing the right thing. Which pretty much left him mad at the world, and he’d been there before. No reason he shouldn’t be able to cope.
Only he couldn’t. Not by a long shot.
Every ordinary, mundane thing he did, from peeling back his covers to walking the dog, made him miss Rue more. She had a brightness to her eyes and a zeal for crazy shit. On a nice afternoon when everyone else he knew had been at the park or hanging out at home, the woman had taken him up in a hot air balloon. While everyone else made sad faces at shelter animals, she went in there and made a goddamned difference. He was a better man for having known her, but he was also a ruined man. He’d never see life the same way again.
His world had been turned upside down once before, and there hadn’t been anything he could do but mourn. He’d said good-bye to his beloved wife because she couldn’t live, and now he was stuck saying good-bye to his wild, beautiful, pretend girlfriend because she could. And there wasn’t a damned thing he could do about it.
Was there?
Hell if he knew.
He wasn’t on the schedule the next morning, but he went to work anyway. He needed the distraction, and he needed four walls Rue hadn’t made herself a part of. When he walked through the door and unhooked Shaggy’s leash, Liam didn’t even look up.
“What’s on the schedule for the day?” Ethan asked.
“Not you.”
“Brilliant observation.” The retort came automatically, but his heart wasn’t in it.
“I’m glad I didn’t fail on every level,” Liam said.
Ethan stilled. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Liam looked up. Looked pissed. “You had me fooled. I thought you cared about her. Actually, at first I thought you invented her and then I thought you were just pretending, but then I saw you with her, and I thought you might be falling in love. Hell, I thought that last night. But like I said, I was wrong.”
Ethan didn’t need this. Not now. Now when he was losing the woman he wasn’t sure he could live with or live without. “And you came by this conclusion how?”
A smug, albeit disgusted, look crawled across Liam’s face. “I notice you don’t argue with the validity of it. Just that I know anything at all.”
“I don’t really care what you think you know.”
“I’m not the one you should be worried about,” Liam shot back, “but you knew that, too. You’re the one who told Crosby to take a chance on love, and then you told Sawyer the same goddamned thing, so it’s only fair that I warn you that if you ever come to me with that insincere bullshit, I’m going to put you on the floor.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” At his raised voice, Shaggy looked up and took wobbly steps to stand next to Liam, which made Ethan feel like shit. He’d scared his own dog.
Liam gave a slight shake of his head. Patting Shaggy, he said, “You broke her heart, man. I don’t know how or why she decided to give two fucks about you, but you broke her.”
And that broke Ethan even more than Shaggy’s desertion. “I know. I had to. She started talking about a relationship, and I can’t do that to her.”
Liam snorted. “I can see how that would torture a woman.”
“No, you don’t understand.” Ethan forced a hand through his hair and immediately thought of when the fingers clutching at his head had been Rue’s. Dammit. “She has this amazing passion for what she does, and she can’t do it in New York. I mean, she’s probably about to leave for the Galapagos, and then there’s some shark finning thing I don’t know where, and in the spring she’s going to the Arctic to photograph seal pups. And you know there will be something after that.”
Liam shrugged. “So what? So she travels.”
No. Ethan kept the denial silent because it wasn’t something Liam would understand. People who traveled still felt like they had homes. Rue had an empty house in Flatbush and the only thing that made it belong to her was the Starbucks in the fridge. She needed to go, and he needed her gone, and for life to go back to the way it was. “I told you before,” Ethan said, “it’s more than that. It’s like her entire life is out there. If she came back here because of me, I feel like I’d be extinguishing some of that passion she has for life.”
“Ever consider that she might have as much passion for you as she does for sharks?” Liam asked, sounding pissed. For a minute, Ethan thought Liam might make good early on his promise to try to put him on the floor right then, but the hard exterior cracked. “Actually, didn’t she punch a shark?”
“They parted as friends,” Ethan said. “I can’t explain it. I just know she belongs out there.”
Liam shook his head. “How many chances do you think you’re going to get?” When Ethan didn’t say anything, Liam rubbed his face and swore under his breath. “You had an amazing wife who adored you. Some people never get that—not even once—and there are no words for the way you lost her. But you’ve got a second chance. This woman, for whatever reason, wants you, and you’re pushing her away. You can tell yourself it’s the right thing all you want, but it’s not right. It’s safe and boring and a little pathetic, and one day you’re going to wake up staring at that ugly dog and realize you blew it. And for what? Because you’re scared?”
“Don’t you think I get that?” Ethan said. He had to force his voice low. The last thing he needed was to run off the dog, too. “The thought of losing her terrifies me. I can’t go through that again.”
Liam looked at him like he was stupid. Hell, he probably was.
“Then you need to grow a pair,” Liam said. “Because you’ve been scared for a long damn time.” He shrugged, the feigned nonchalance as stiff as a board. “Sometimes falling in love with someone, or at least moving in that direction, is reason enough to take a chance, but suit yourself.”
Ethan stared at Liam, but he’d gone back to his computer screen. Conversation over. Except…
“How do you know so much about what happened?” Ethan asked.
“I talked to Rue.” The words were a little too casual. Something was up.
“Why the hell did you do that?” Ethan snapped.
Liam looked up then and grinned. “She needed a model for her calendar.”
“And?”
“And you’re looking at Mr. July.”
Chapter Sixteen
Rue scrolled through her most recent shoot. The pictures were amazing. M
en with bodies cut from granite holding tiny, mewling kittens and puppies so little they were nothing but bellies and feet. They were freaking adorable, and she was proud of her work. Really proud. There was only one model left to shoot. She could spend the rest of the evening putting the calendar together, and after that, all that was left to do was email the files to the charity.
And pack.
She paused on one of the pictures. A firefighter, smudged with soot and glistening with sweat. He wore his turnout pants and nothing from the waist up. It was raw. Stunning, really, with the play of light making sharp edges out of every plane and ridge of his body, all of this made even more dramatic by the forlorn-looking retriever pup, so tiny it fit in the palm of one rugged hand. The overall effect was devastating, in a loins-run-amok kind of way, but her loins behaved themselves perfectly.
Her loins wanted Ethan.
“Am I late?”
She glanced up as Liam walked in. “Right on time. Start stripping.”
“I love a woman who knows what she wants. You do realize Ethan is going to kick my ass later, right?” His easy smile suggested he didn’t much care.
She shrugged. She hurt. “I’m sorry about your ass, but it was his choice.”
Liam snorted and yanked off his shirt.
Rue studied him for a minute, trying to figure out the best angle. The fact that she wasn’t sure the Chase brothers had any bad angles did nothing to help her decision. All four men had a classic California surfer vibe going on—perhaps Liam more than the others, as his hair was more platinum with fewer of the dark undertones his brothers had—and she longed to capture him on the beach, but she didn’t dare risk any of the animals getting frightened and bolting, so she’d arranged all of the images inside, mostly against a white background. The artfully draped backdrop drew an instant parallel to bedding. It was almost perfect.
She just needed a different brother and an actual bed. That would be great. But that wasn’t happening.
To Liam, she said, “You’re a lifesaver.”
“I’m sure you could have found someone to do this,” he said dryly. “Single man becoming the object of sexual desire for millions of women? Not a hard sell.”
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