For an indeterminate span of time, Aaron stared at the door, caught wholly off guard by his brother’s outburst. Before his knees failed him, he lifted himself to sit on the edge of the bench, propping his elbows on his thighs. Numbing shock washed over him as Connor’s harsh, yet truthful words waded in his head. He scarcely felt the soft brush of Ash’s fur against his limp hands.
He’d failed to realize the strain he’d placed on his brother, or his clan, for that matter. Somehow, he’d taken to the notion they would all benefit from his absence. That they would be better off without him.
But, what his brother spoke of…was that what he truly desired? To live a life alone, drowning in misery? Had his self-imposed exile for the past year already sealed his fate? Christ, he knew not what to think anymore.
Sharp teeth sank into his hand, piercing the flesh. Aaron yelped and jerked his hand from Ash’s mouth.
“Why’d you do that?” he foolishly demanded of the beast.
Heedless to the pain she’d caused, the gray cat batted her green eyes at him, purring for attention.
Saints, what a headstrong, impulsive animal. Despite the smarting sting in his hand, a peal of laughter slipped from Aaron’s throat. The cat reminded him of another female entirely—one also prone to furious outbursts and purring for affection.
Chapter Thirteen
’TWAS DAYS LATER before Aaron chose to venture out of doors, and ’twas not for the sheer pleasure of the freezing weather either. The moment a scowling Niall unceremoniously swept inside the solar without knocking, Aaron surmised something was amiss. And, he suspected it had everything to do with Mairi.
As soon as his flustered friend hastened to inform him that the lass had wrapped herself from head to toe and slipped from the keep, a frisson of alarm sprinted through Aaron. The only thought hammering through his distressed mind was that, in spite of the heavy pack of snow and blustering winds, she sought to escape.
After a frantic, hurried search of the stables and courtyard failed to find her, his alarm increased by tenfold when one of the sentries posted at the front gate alerted him that Mairi had wandered outside the safety of the walls. Desperate to find her, he trudged through the snow, following her tracks with little difficulty. With a quick scan of the expanse of white blanketing the land, he found her standing along the edge of the bluff overlooking the sea.
The sight of her loosened the taut, clenched ball twisting his stomach in knots and eased his burgeoning fear. Tugging his fur mantle tighter around his neck, he plodded toward her. His booted feet crunched and sank in the frozen ice.
Wind tussled her dark hair, whipping the silken tresses behind her as she faced the sea. He shook his head at her foolishness. The woman had left her head uncovered and exposed to the mercy of the frigid air.
Gray clouds concealed the sun from view, painting the sky in dreary hues and adding to the bitter sting of wind coming off the waves. After a fortnight of the glum weather, he hoped the sun would soon emerge and thaw the frozen earth. Alas, the snow’s departure would bring another’s.
A few yards away, he called to her. “What are you doing out in the cold?”
His tone leaned more toward genuine curiosity than anger. In truth, he questioned why she’d hazard such conditions. Pausing alongside her, he soaked in the view of her striking profile.
From the straight line of her nose to the feminine curve of her jaw, she was sheer perfection in his eyes. The freezing wind flushed her skin a rosy pink.
“I see what you meant when you once spoke of the sea.” With a simple turn of her head, she met his stare, her piercing blue gaze jarring straight through him, as it did each time. “’Tis beautiful.”
Aaron’s chest constricted, his heart pummeling his ribcage. “Aye,” he agreed in a low murmur. “Almost unbearably so.”
Though, he spoke not of the churning pitch of waves below, but her flagrant beauty. The sight of which never ceased to rob him of breath. Swallowing against the pounding pulse in his neck, he cleared his throat.
With a harsh breath, he admitted his greatest fear. “I thought you tried to leave.”
The corners of her eyes crinkled with humor. “Nay, though I ask Niall of the pass each morn. And each morn, he assures me ’tis still unsafe.”
He gritted his teeth. “Eager to be on your way, I see.”
Her head tilted a few degrees. “If I’m not mistaken, you were just as eager.”
Aye, he would not deny the truth of her statement. The first few days he’d longed for naught more than her departure from his keep and, mayhap, his life altogether. But now, standing beside the lass alongside his beloved Scottish sea, the notion of losing her shifted something inside him, unsettling him. He could not fathom her absence from his life altogether.
For long moments, Aaron peered at the turbulent rise and fall of the surf. The entrancing sight reminded him of his draw to Mairi. The constant surge and swell held a certain defiant beauty, luring him deeper within its depths. As he waded in deeper, those same beautiful waves threatened to spill over, overwhelming and enveloping him completely.
“I have the wretched tendency of speaking in haste.” He was unsure why he made the admission.
“We all suffer the same malady at times, I believe,” she placated with a soft smile. “And to answer your question, I sought a bit of solitude.”
“Oh.” He shifted from foot to foot. “Do you suppose you might seek it inside the keep, instead? Nightfall shall soon descend.”
She emitted a low, tinkling laugh that drifted to his ears in a melodious ring.
“I merely wished to see the water. Something about the steady roll of waves soothes me. Mayhap, ’tis the distant roar lulling the thoughts in my mind.” She lifted a shoulder. “’Tis hard to explain.”
“No need. ’Tis much the same for me,” Aaron agreed. “Since I was a young lad, I’ve often sought comfort from the sea.”
She shifted to face him, and he craned his neck to meet her gaze. He could not say how long they stood in silence, peering at each other, while the ocean’s gentle tune carried on the wind, nor did he care.
He longed to grab her, haul her close and capture her lips in a searing kiss that would undoubtedly shatter him to pieces. Already his composure hung by a frayed thread. One slight push at the crumbling walls of his restraint and the waning barrier would topple over, leaving him exposed and vulnerable. Despite his halfhearted efforts to stretch the distance between them, he could not bring himself to stay away from her.
Though with each passing day, the inevitable never strayed far from his mind. She would soon leave him. For good, this time. How he expected to survive the loss was a thought he’d rather not contemplate.
Giving himself a hard shake, he forced his gaze away from her, breaking the rattling connection between them. He reached beneath his fur mantle, unwinding the length of wool tartan around his shoulders, and stepped within an inch of her. Her breath quickened with a perceivable hitch as he looped the warm material over her head, shielding her ears from the wind. Tucking the wool close around her neck, his hands lingered on her shoulders.
“You’ll catch your death in this weather if you’re not careful.”
A playful grin stretched across her lips. “You do not have to fret over me. I’m perfectly hale and strong.”
Despite the layers of clothing between them, the feel of her frame beneath his palms reinforced the irrefutable thread tethering them together.
The easing effect of the sea, coupled with the sparkling blue gaze of the woman in front of him, loosened his tongue and words fell from his mouth. “If anything were to happen to you, it would slay me, Mairi.”
Her teasing smile receded, any trace of humor fleeing from her features. For long moments, her gauging stare cut straight through him as she measured the earnestness of his confession.
She lifted a gloved hand toward his face and he sucked in a breath. The cold leather brushed over the whiskers on his cheek. “I feel mu
ch the same, Aaron.”
Raising on her toes, she closed the short distance between them and placed a chaste kiss on his lips. Savoring the feel, he closed his eyes while tingles raced the length of his rigid spine. His grip tightened on her shoulders to the point he must’ve hurt her.
Once she removed the sweet press of her mouth and dropped flat on her feet, he opened his eyes to gaze at her in stunned disbelief. He scarcely heard his labored breathing over the erratic thudding in her ears.
With a shy grin, she ducked her head. “I’ve dreamed of doing that since we last parted.”
By the Saints, if she only knew of the depravity of his wicked dreams. An innocent kiss hardly scraped the surface of his imagination. Shaken by her soft touch, he swallowed audibly and cast a glimpse toward the keep.
“Er…mayhap, we should return.”
Nibbling her bottom lip, she agreed with a faint nod.
Silently cursing his bumbling foolishness, Aaron glanced heavenward. Of course, he’d said the wrong thing. When did he ever say anything right?
Lifting the hem of her skirts, she plodded ahead of him with a frown marring her features.
He called after her, “Mairi?”
She halted long enough to peer over her shoulder. “Forgive me, ’twas not my intention to cause you unease.”
For a moment, he gaped at the daft lass as she continued along the same snowy trail leading to the front gate.
Forgive her?
’Twas he who’d marred one of the most achingly sweet moments of his life. Seeking to right his misstep, he bounded ahead, eager to catch her. He grasped her arm. “Wait.”
When she faced him, her gaze lingered on his mantle rather than meet his eyes.
“So, it would seem I’m incapable of proper speech when I am around you.”
Her brows knit together. “Why?”
“Because you vex the hell out of me,” he blurted in garbled rush of words.
Her head jerked up, her gaze piercing him with outrage.
Aaron promptly amended his words at her affronted glare. “Unsettle is more apt.”
Her perfect nose wrinkled in bewilderment.
Christ, he could not think straight around the woman. Why bother struggling to find the right words? To hell with it.
He opened his mouth and let the words spill out of him. “’Tis truth, you visit my dreams more than I care to admit. Not a single day has passed that I do not think of you. There are times when I cannot shake the thoughts of you from my damned head no matter how blasted hard I try.” His voice climbed with the force of his emotions. “I’ve tried in vain to forget you. But, damn it, I cannot. Every soft touch, every comely smile is seared into my brain. For the life of me, I cannot dislodge you from my demented mind.”
Anger pinched her features into a scathing glower. “You believe you’re the only one who’s suffered? How do you think I’ve felt?” Her shrill shout resounded in his ears. “To believe I’ve clung to some ridiculous notion you might one day come for me. But, that day never came, did it? I’ve been such a fool to believe you cared at all.”
What the devil nonsense was she saying? Had he not confessed he cared for her?
“I’ve always cared, damn it,” he roared. “What would you have had me do, Mairi? Arrive in your brother’s hall, demanding your hand in marriage? The man would’ve lopped off my head for the sheer spite of it.”
She balled her hands into fists, pressing them into the sides of her waist. “My brother would never harm you or your clan and you damned well know it!”
With a derisive snort, he scoffed. “You are a fool if you believe that.” He tossed his arms up in frustration. “Barring the man did not end my life on the spot, what the devil do I have to offer you?” He raised his empty hands in the air between them. “Naught. There’s absolutely naught I can give you, Mairi.”
Her blue gaze hurling parting daggers, she somehow managed to spin on her boot heel in the snow. She advanced a handful of steps before whirling around and stomping toward him again. Seething with anger, tears swam in her eyes. “If that’s what you believe, then you are a fool, Aaron MacRae, and I pity you.”
She stormed toward the front gate, and he let her go. What was the point in catching up to her, only to continue their quarrel? One thing was certain; they were both right in part. He was a damned fool.
Chapter Fourteen
FRUSTRATED AFTER HER argument with Aaron, Mairi had chosen to retreat to the privacy of her bedchamber rather than face the MacRaes at the evening meal. In her present mood, she could not bear to paste on a false smile and swallow down bite after bite of food, much less attempt any form of meaningful conversation.
After choking back her emotion in front of Aaron, she resolved not to spare another tear for the infuriating man. Even as she reaffirmed her determination, the sting of unshed tears burned behind her eyes.
She’d once thought him a man of intelligence. But now, she reserved judgment. If only she could throttle some blasted sense into the arse.
Mother of God, why did she allow the man to rile her so?
An itch started in her nose which burst in a full-blown sneeze. Groaning, she burrowed deeper in bed beneath the covers. The flicker of flames in the hearth cast shadows against the stone wall, while the hiss and crackle of burning wood filled the silence. Lying on her side, she stared aimlessly at the dancing display. ’Twas the most she could manage in her current state of mind.
In truth, the latest fight with Aaron had drained her—in mind, body and spirit. Her heart utterly ached. A dull throb started behind her eyes and radiated to the top of her head, accompanied by an annoying sniffle.
For the moment, the best she could hope for was a high-slung sun on the morrow which might warm the earth and thaw the ice enough for her to travel in a few days hence. She craved the safety and shelter of home.
What she would not give to feel her brother’s welcoming arms wrapped tight around her. To hear Arabella and Nora’s soft assurances that things would soon improve. And what of Nora’s bairn? Had she given birth to her and Liam’s firstborn yet?
The thought of holding the wee babe in her arms for the first time brought a faint smile to Mairi’s lips. She imagined her cousin beaming from ear to ear, pleased with his son or daughter’s arrival in the world.
Alas, another matter she must address when she returned home stripped away her fleeting good humor. ’Twas a task she had no particular liking for, but the fact remained. Under no circumstance could she willingly wed Patrick MacEwan.
Regardless of her feelings for Aaron, she’d arrived at the realization solely on her own. Though, some part of her had always known she’d not follow through with their agreement, but she could not fool herself any longer. ’Twas unfair to Patrick and ’twas unfair to her. She trusted Calum would understand and support her decision.
A soft knock at the door scattered her thoughts. Rolling her eyes, she blew out a deep breath. ’Twas no mystery who stood on the other side. She’d wager a coffer full of gold.
Connor.
Mayhap, if she closed her eyes and stilled her breathing, he might presume she’d fallen into slumber and leave her alone for the eve.
With another soft rap, he spoke through the door, “Come on, Mairi. I know you’re in there.”
And, there was her answer.
Rolling on her back, she frowned at the rafters overhead. “Go away, Connor. I desire a bit of privacy this eve.”
Saints, had she remembered to bar the door?
Mairi raised her head to check just as the entrance eased open and Connor’s dark head poked inside.
Blast!
When he caught her gaze, he proffered a slight smile. “You were not in the hall, so I brought a tray for you.”
Wearing a wary expression that tugged at her heart, the young man lingered in the entryway awaiting a word or a sign from her to enter.
Her head dropped on the pillow and she heaved an exasperated sigh. At last, she sat
upright and frowned at the lad. “Just come in already.”
Pushing the door wider, Connor leaned out to pick up the tray he’d set outside in the corridor. He carried the salver inside and toed the entrance shut with his boot. Once he placed the tray on a bedside table, he grabbed a candle and strode to the hearth, igniting the wick and adding more light to the dim chamber. As soon as he returned the candleholder to the side table, he grasped the salver and, without the slightest compunction, plopped down on the opposite end of the mattress across from her, settling the tray between them.
For several long moments, she gawked at Connor. Fortunate for him, she considered the young man as an annoying younger brother since the understanding of proper decorum was wholly lost on the lad. ’Twas odd, but with each passing day, Connor resembled her cousin, Liam, more and more.
With a flourish of his arm, he lifted away the covering to reveal a heaping mound of assorted fare. She might’ve smelled the rich aromas if her nose was not stuffy.
“Saints, Connor, are you certain there’s enough?” she remarked with a wry twist of her lips.
“’Tis for both of us.” At her probing stare, he explained with an awkward shrug, “I’ve not eaten yet. When you did not appear in the hall, I thought to wait so that we might dine together.”
She had not anticipated such a thoughtful gesture. She almost smiled but a sneeze jolted through her, and she groaned, instead.
Oh, Sweet Mother, she felt dreadful. ’Twas impossible to have developed a cold from such a short time in the weather, was it not?
Frowning, Connor passed her a linen cloth from the tray. “Are you ailing?”
She accepted the offering and wiped her nose. “Nay, I’m merely weary this eve.”
At least, she hoped ’twas all.
He pushed the fare closer. “Try to eat something. It should make you feel better.”
Mairi shook her head. “You go ahead. I’ll eat a bit later.”
“Are you certain?” He raised a brow.
“Please, go ahead,” she urged, clutching the napkin beneath her nose.
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