She broke off here though. Because the end of that sentence was, ‘when I was still with Andrew,’ and that was something she just couldn’t bring herself to articulate.
‘Look, I know you’re going through the most unimaginable trauma right now,’ Chloe said gently, perching on the edge of the bed beside her. ‘But there is light at the end of the tunnel, you know.’
‘Yeah. Knowing my luck, the oncoming train to finish me off.’
‘No, I was actually talking about Andrew,’ Chloe persisted. ‘Course, it’s not my place to say this, but he was really concerned about you last night. So anxious you wouldn’t be disturbed after you went to bed.’
Lucy shrugged and lay back, staring up at the ceiling for a bit and stretching toned, tanned legs out in front of her.
‘Well, I have to say that’s Andrew alright,’ she eventually said. ‘I don’t think he wants to be here any more than I do myself. But then we don’t have a choice. Neither of us.’
‘Oh now, come on, everyone has a choice.’
‘Not me. And certainly not Andrew. Not unless the pair of us fancy a life of complete misery ahead of us. And I really do mean misery, by the way. The meeting we had this morning was awful, just bloody awful.’
A long silence, but still Chloe showed no inclination to move away. Good of her, Lucy thought. There was some big fancy dinner scheduled for later that evening and she was probably up to her tonsils in it, but she still stayed, devoting her time solely to Lucy and her woes.
‘You miss him, don’t you?’ Chloe eventually asked. Lucy didn’t answer. Instead she just looked away, and started fiddling absently with the phone cord by the bed beside her. Then realizing that Chloe was patiently waiting on an answer, she rolled her eyes and just said, ‘It’s not that simple.’
‘When it comes to relationships, is it ever? But just so you know, I’m here if you ever need to talk,’ Chloe offered, almost as though she sensed that was the real reason why Lucy had asked to see her in the first place. ‘All part and parcel of the service.’
‘Mother of God, where to even start?’ Lucy groaned.
A long pause, then eventually Lucy said, ‘Can I ask you something a bit personal?’
‘Fire away.’
‘Were you ever married? Or I mean, in a relationship as intense as a marriage?’
Chloe looked thoughtful and it took her a while to find the right words to answer.
‘Almost married once, yes.’
‘Idiot for letting you slip through his fingers. If you don’t mind my saying so.’
‘To be honest,’ Chloe smiled, ‘in my case, I think I had a lucky escape.’
‘I’m starting to wish I’d had a lucky escape too.’
‘Oh now, come on! You seem so certain that whatever went wrong between you and Andrew is unfixable. But in my experience, nothing is ever irrevocable.’
‘Trust me, this is.’
‘He really cares about you. And I think you care about him too, more than you know.’
‘Yup,’ Lucy nodded, staring up at the elaborate fabric canopy over her bed. ‘Course I do. He was The One, you see. No one thought so when we first met, but they were all wrong. And I don’t give a shite that all his money is gone, that was the last thing I married him for, even though everyone else thought otherwise. But I do mind very much about the fact that I can never trust him again. Him or his family.’
‘If you don’t mind my asking …’ Chloe asked, intrigued, ‘what does his family have to do with it?’
‘Ha! Where to even start?’
And then, Lucy began to open up. To really get it off her chest, in a way she hadn’t been able to ever since she first arrived here. Funny, but after an endless afternoon talking to one divorce law specialist after another, not one of them had bothered to ask what had even driven her here in the first place. All they seemed concerned about was money and the lack of it and a whole load of other stuff involving periods of separation and a decree nisi. Chloe was the first person to actually look like she cared.
So Lucy filled her in. On absolutely everything this time. About Alannah and Josh and how bitchy bordering on vicious they’d been towards her practically from day one.
‘You see Andrew was newly separated when we first met,’ she said, staying firmly focused on the ceiling, while Chloe said nothing, just nodded understandingly.
‘But of course, when he and I met and got together so quickly, well in the eyes of his family, I was entirely out to snag him and was basically the whole reason why he and Greta, his ex, could never reconcile. Even though we’d done absolutely nothing wrong. Technically. But as far as they were concerned, I destroyed their family and they weren’t ever going to forget it. For Andrew and I, our timing in getting together couldn’t have been much worse if we’d tried. I know that and believe me, we’ve both crucified ourselves over it often enough over the past few years. And did his children make us pay for it or what?’
‘But what did they do exactly?’
‘I’d have to go back almost three years to answer that,’ Lucy went on in a faltering voice she hardly recognized as her own. So she filled Chloe in, going right back to when she and Andrew were first married and when Alannah moved in with them. With all the tensions and back-stabbing that ensued.
‘Sounds so stressful,’ Chloe nodded sympathetically, ‘and under your own roof too.’
‘That’s only the warm-up act. Believe me, it gets much worse. Alannah eventually decided she was going to start up an internet company; something to do with recruitment. So she moved back in with Greta, and set up her office from her townhouse in the city centre. The idea was that she’d live there and work from her new base and at first Andrew and I were so relieved. Him because Alannah was actually doing something with her life, and me because I was finally getting her out of my home. God forgive me.’
‘But surely things improved a little once she’d gone?’
‘You’d think, wouldn’t you? But a few months went by and after a while, I just knew something was wrong. I could sense it.’
‘Women usually can.’
‘I think it was all down to the way Andrew was behaving. That had been what first alerted me that something was up. Something very serious.’
‘How was he acting?’
‘He wasn’t like himself, far from it. Andrew was usually so affectionate and attentive, so physical with me, but around then, he’d started acting all remote and detached. He complained of tiredness a lot, which wasn’t like him at all.’
It was about the same time they’d stopped having sex too, though Lucy was way too mortified to come out with that.
‘Always a warning sign that something’s up. But go on.’
‘Then a whole pile of registered letters began to arrive at our house, all addressed to him and when I’d ask what they were all about, he’d just dismiss it as, “just boring old bank stuff. You know what the banks are like these days.”
‘Absolutely nothing for me to worry about, that’s what he told me and kept on telling me. And I think that’s what’s got me so angry right now. That he kept so much to himself, “not to worry me”. God, the irony of that!’
‘If he was keeping things from you, then of course, you’d a perfect right to be annoyed. What happened afterwards?’
‘Well, after months of this carry-on, I was starting to get seriously worried about him and had asked him straight out what was up. I told him I knew right well he was hiding something from me and to just tell me whatever it was. But when he did, it was … God … just so …’
Lucy broke off here and had to sit up and take a gulpful of tea from the cup on the bedside table beside her.
‘Take your time,’ Chloe said patiently.
‘You see, Andrew had bought Greta the townhouse as part of their separation agreement and she owned it outright. But Alannah needed massive capital for her start-up, so she persuaded Greta to mortgage the house and lend her the money. That would have been fine, except
what Andrew didn’t tell me was that to help Alannah out, he’d agreed to be guarantor on the loan. Which he was absolutely entitled to do. My only problem was that he never told me, but then he never imagined that what happened would actually come to pass. Neither of us could. But the fact is that what subsequently transpired affected me, as well as him. Affected me every bit as much. So you don’t have to be Einstein to figure out what happened next.’
Just get it out, she told herself. Almost there. Chloe will understand.
‘I’m listening.’
‘Well, pretty soon, it was obvious that Alannah’s internet company just wasn’t going to work out. Creditors were really hounding her and she ran out of funding so Andrew started to lend her more and more – from our joint bank account this time – and that’s when the trouble really started.’
‘So … did she stop paying her mortgage on Greta’s home?’
And now the hard part. The bit Lucy had dreaded.
Deep breath. Just say it. Then it’s done.
‘And slid into huge arrears, yes. So of course when the bank started chasing after her, she dumped it right on her Dad. Said he was guarantor on the loan as well and that he’d just have to honour the debt. Not to mention all the creditors her company owed. Which was a bloody long list, I can tell you.’
Chloe shook her head in shock. ‘What a mess,’ she said. ‘You certainly have my sympathy.’
‘Which was why the banks started to close in on Andrew. And boy, did they really hound him. We had to make sure Greta kept the roof over her head at all costs, so to do that, the banks chased after Andrew’s primary asset. Our home, our beautiful family home. It wasn’t entirely his fault …’ but again Lucy had to stop and compose herself before she could go on.
Because this was like sticking your finger into a wound that hadn’t even begun to callous over yet. Sharp, unrelenting agony. Chloe said nothing, just wordlessly leaned over to give her hand a supportive squeeze, bless her.
Normally, with the exception of these last few weeks, Lucy felt she was pretty good at holding it together, good at being tough when she needed to be. But dredging it all back up was just too much to bear, even in the safe environment of a hotel bedroom, with a kind and impartial listener who wouldn’t judge. And then the one question that had been dogging her ever since the shit hit the fan. Why was I punished for something I didn’t even do?
‘Take a tissue, Lucy,’ Chloe prompted, thrusting forward a big box of man-size Kleenex.
‘Sorry for sounding like such a basket case,’ was all Lucy could manage to get out. ‘It’s just all been such total hell. You’ve no idea. I’m someone who’s always worked hard and grafted to get by, but for the first time in my life, I don’t know what to do or where to turn.’
‘And you really think there’s no hope for you and Andrew?’
‘How could I? How could I ever have trusted him again after that? He went guarantor on a huge loan that involved my home and never even told me! I completely accept that he had to take care of Greta and the kids, but he let us go under as a result, and there was damn all I could do about it, only stand on the sidelines and watch. So you see, I’m in a place where I can barely look at him, never mind live under the same roof as him.’
‘But surely …’
‘I can handle that our fabulous lifestyle is gone, I can handle that the days of five-star beach holidays and shopping trips to New York are long over, but I can’t handle that he kept things from me. He says I’m blaming him unfairly, but who else is responsible? My whole life has just spiralled off into this … this free-fall and I want it to stop and now it just won’t.’
‘And are you really prepared to go through with this? To go the whole hog and get divorced?’
‘Have I a choice?’ Lucy laughed bitterly. ‘The man kept things he shouldn’t have from me and in the process, lost not only me, but the home we loved as well. And I’m not materialistic and I know it was only bricks and mortar, but you asked about my marriage, and the honest answer is that I can’t be around Andrew or his bloody family. Not now, not ever. How could I possibly trust him or any of them again after this? What kind of moron would that make me? I can’t do it. I can’t and I won’t. They made my life hell once before and given the chance, they’ll do it over and over again. Because if Andrew and I get back together, you can be sure his family will find some other way to break us. Mark my words. They’d see it as their life’s mission.’
She couldn’t go on, so instead Lucy sat back and angrily twisted a teary, soggy Kleenex round her finger.
The silence hung there as she thought, dear God, the irony. Earlier that morning, she’d been the one gently trying to persuade Jo to give Dave a second chance. Love is a rare and precious thing, she remembered trying to convince Jo. And if you’re lucky enough to find it, then you need to cling tight. And yet that was something she herself could never do. Alannah and Josh would ruin her if she did. Ruin her and destroy Andrew, for a second time.
She was almost afraid to say it and yet, this was it, it was real, it was actually happening.
She was already separated from the man she’d loved.
And before she knew what day of the week it was, she’d be divorced.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Dawn.
Dawn had just left her room and was skipping down the main staircase, already late for a champagne reception to be held in the bar. Apparently a goodwill gesture on the part of the hotel to make up to guests for last night’s fiasco and everyone was invited.
And that’s when Dawn first overheard him. Kirk, clear as crystal, deep in conversation on his phone. Downstairs in the main hall and unaware that even though he was speaking low, his voice was still drifting up the staircase for all to hear. The gobshite.
‘I miss you too, you know that … yeah, tomorrow evening … no, I’m not just looking forward to it, I’m absolutely living for it … yeah … absolutely … I only wish you were here too … you’d find a way of making it all the more bearable for me. Somehow you always do.’
Instinctively, Dawn froze and half wondered if she should turn on her heel and just get the lift downstairs instead.
Then some inner voice made her change her mind and keep on walking. To hell with him anyway, she thought. If Kirk was eejit enough to be on the phone to his lover somewhere public like this, then he deserved to know he had an audience. So instead, she strode down the staircase with her nose in the air like Scarlett O’Hara, his voice growing louder with every step closer she took.
‘Oh God … it’s been such a downer … but you know, it’s Dawn I worry about most, really. Her anger levels yesterday were so frightening … like a huge ball of negativity … she’s finding it impossible to accept us and to move on … to let go … and I want that for her so badly …’
Ball of negativity? Did he really just come out with that? What a patronizing eejit, Dawn found herself thinking. So typical of Kirk; now that he’d found happiness, he thought nothing could be easier than for the whole world to follow suit, so he could just glide over the mess he’d created and act like everyone got their Hollywood ending.
‘And yeah … Saturday’s protest march against fracking sounds good to me … count on me, man … you know I won’t let you down …’
Oh, spare me, Dawn thought, getting even closer now. That was the kind of thing he used to say to her, way back when. In fact, a day out at some anti-fracking rally was more or less Kirk’s idea of the ideal date. Being brutally honest though, she suddenly found herself wondering if there ever really was a time when she thought that spending her Saturday afternoon with a placard clamped to her, while she marched around in circles trying to look impassioned, was actually fun? But then Kirk’s idea of a good time and hers were so very different, it was actually scary.
Turning a corner onto the very last set of stairs, this time she saw him, with his back to her, long jet black hair scraped back into a ponytail. She could just so easily picture the other side o
f the phone call too. Her rival, calling to check in of course, doubtless to make sure that Kirk had in no way changed his mind.
He heard her footsteps on the marble floor and turned sharply around. And after a full day of one interminable session after another, where Dawn had studiously ignored him as lawyers discussed dividing their little business up, now she found herself able to look him dead in the face.
‘Be sure to give Shane all my love, won’t you?’ she said sarcastically, then just kept on walking, head held high.
*
By the time she got to the bar, it was already packed out. The champagne reception was in full swing and it looked like most other guests were already here and in high good humour too. From the corner of her eye, Dawn could see Chloe calmly topping up glasses, smiling and engaging in chat all round her.
Such a warm soul, Dawn thought. She’d certainly made this weekend an awful lot more bearable for her. She spotted one new face too, a tall, lean guy, late forties at a guess, who was dressed casually like a guest, but was mucking in behind the bar. Good-looking guy too in that older man way, lean with a Richard Gere, salt and pepper hair thing going on.
Odd Dawn hadn’t seen him before now, she knew pretty much all the guests and staff to see by now, but she thought no more about it and found herself drifting through the melee and out into the cool of the terrace outside. Bit of alone time, she figured, would do her no harm before she had to face Kirk yet again over dinner and pretend to be polite. She had the whole terrace to herself so she found a bench close to the door and sat down, hugging her knees tight to her chest.
Three months, three weeks and five days. That’s how long you’ve lived with all this.
Every now and then she kept reminding herself. And with perfect recall, she could still bring herself back to that godawful night, like it had only happened yesterday. Of course the irony of it was that she wasn’t even meant to be home in the first place; that particular evening she was supposedly meeting Eva after work to go to a movie.
Love Me Or Leave Me Page 27