In spite of herself, Jo had found it hard not to laugh at the sight of a bedraggled Dave being rescued by the fire brigade and in no time the row was all but forgotten.
‘I took it as a good sign,’ he’d told her later on, ‘that you called the emergency services and didn’t just leave me dangling off a ledge on the second floor.’
The making-up part that night was pretty hard to forget too. Surely he’d remember that there was a time when she hadn’t been such a nightmare to be around all the time?
‘See?’ Lucy interrupted her thoughts. ‘You’re smiling. Must be a lot of good stuff whirling round your head.’
‘Yeah, there’s certainly some happy memories in there,’ Jo sighed.
‘Always are,’ said Lucy sagely.
‘You see, I’d been on my own for so long before Dave bounced into my life, that when we first got together … I’d actually forgotten what it was like to even be in a relationship. Does that make any sense?’
Lucy just nodded and smiled knowingly.
‘But for so long now, I’ve been such a complete bitch to the guy.’
‘It’s nothing more than those bloody IVF hormones, Jo. That’s all. Trust me, Dave understands.’
‘You really think so?’
‘Absolutely. And if you don’t mind my saying so, there’s something else you’re forgetting. Something even more obvious than that.’
‘There is?’
‘Come on. Do I have to spell it out to someone as smart as you?’
Jo just looked at her, genuinely baffled.
‘Can I also remind you that he wanted to have a child with you? And still does? And you must want it too, because after all, you’re still pumping all those drugs into you.’
‘I know, I know,’ Jo sighed, sitting back and staring ahead. ‘You see, I was fully prepared to be a single parent and to raise the child alone. I’d told Dave as much too and he said as long as he had visitation rights, then he was okay with it. We even made a deal. So after we broke up, I was facing into IVF all alone. But right now, I can’t help feeling that …’
‘You want to know something, Jo?’ Lucy interrupted softly.
‘What?’
‘It’s never too late to change your mind.’
*
Andrew still wasn’t even properly dressed for dinner yet. Ever since he’d come back up to his room after a gruelling day thrashing everything out with Lucy, he’d made the mistake of checking in on his emails and getting back to the pile of missed calls on his phone.
And immediately wished he hadn’t. Christ, today had been bad enough, but now this? On top of everything else he had to deal with, apart from all the other stresses and pressures in his personal life, now he had to deal with yet more trouble and strife at the Board. He’d spent the entire day with Lucy at his side barely even able to be civilized to each other and that had been bad enough. And now it seemed Armageddon had just broken out in work. Yet another pension fund had just crumbled and stocks were plummeting fast and furious.
To cap it all off though, he hadn’t been feeling particularly well all evening. He was sweaty and clammy, most unlike himself. And if he stood up too quickly, the dizziness was almost nauseating. Must have been the chicken he’d eaten at lunchtime, he figured. That was most likely causing the sick feeling he had and the walloping sensation in his chest. Slight bit of a tingling sensation in his arms too.
But it’s nothing to worry about, he thought dismissively. Sure, he was fit as a fiddle from all the golf he played and had the stamina of an ox. This is nothing more than a perfectly natural reaction to pressure, he told himself. A marriage breaking up has to be one of the most traumatizing things any man can possibly go through.
Of course it hadn’t felt the same when he and Greta had split up, but he’d had Lucy by his side to ease him through it all back then, didn’t he? Somehow nothing felt like a problem with her beside him. Once she was around, he was indomitable.
All very different now though.
A lie down, he thought, stretching out on the bed and laying his head on the cool pillows. Just for a moment. That would put him to rights. The dizziness would surely pass then. And this shooting pain up and down his arm.
Course it would. Probably.
*
‘Dinner is served,’ Chris smiled politely at both Jo and Lucy, still tucked away in their little booth, chatting away companionably.
‘Great,’ said Lucy, draining back the rest of the fizzy water in front of her. All she’d allow herself to drink tonight. Maybe even all she’d allow herself from now on. ‘Don’t know about you, but I could eat a horse.’
‘God knows where you put it,’ Jo smiled. ‘With the teeny little doll’s figure you have.’
‘Ha! What you can’t see is the giant pair of Spanx knickers I’m wearing underneath this to yank me in!’
By now, guests had started to drift from the bar towards the main dining room on the ground floor and Jo and Lucy walked companionably side by side, continuing on with the conversation they’d been having.
‘So, the same question back to you,’ said Jo.
‘How do you mean?’ said Lucy.
‘Andrew’s good qualities. Come on then, list them off for me.’
They were just filing through Reception and at the mention of Andrew’s name, Lucy automatically started to look around for him. Come to think of it, she hadn’t seen him since that bloody meeting with that boring family law expert earlier that afternoon.
‘He’s late,’ she said distractedly. ‘And it’s not like him to be late.’
‘Stop dodging the question,’ Jo insisted.
But as it happened, Lucy didn’t even need to think about the answer though.
‘His heart,’ she shrugged. ‘I think Andrew’s got the biggest heart of any man I’ve ever met before in my whole life.’
*
Andrew often thought he’d lost so much, that all he had left to give Lucy was his heart. And at that exact moment, it was just about to give out on him.
Chapter Thirty
Chloe.
Rob came to the hospital with us and thank God that he did. He’s been only amazing ever since. Constantly asking Lucy if she was okay, time and again reassuring her that there was nothing to worry about. Reiterating over and over that he was sure Andrew would be absolutely fine in no time.
Even though that could be so far from the truth that it’s actually terrifying.
Rob’s over at the vending machine now in the tiny corridor outside the ICU unit where they took Andrew, the minute the ambulance got here. Lucy waited here with us throughout the whole procedure, white-faced and anxious, but then just a moment ago, a consultant who looked so young it was almost scary, came out of the room where they’d brought him.
Lucy gripped onto my hand and I was full sure the girl would pass out.
‘Who’s Mr Lowe’s next of kin?’ the consultant wanted to know.
‘Emm … that would be me,’ she told him in a wobbly voice. ‘I’m … well, I’m his wife.’
‘Would you like to step inside, please? We’ve still got a lot more to do, but you can at least wait with him now, if you like.’
So here I am, sick to my stomach with worry, thinking please dear God, don’t let this be happening.
Rob has his back to me and is watching lukewarm coffee gush from the vending machine into a white plastic cup. He brings it over to me, but even the smell instantly turns my stomach.
‘Come on, Chloe. Stay strong. You can do it.’
He grips my hand tight so I grip it back. Grateful.
*
Cardiac stents, the consultant was warbling on about. Something about cardiac stents that they’d just inserted and valves to relieve the pressure and how lucky Andrew was to have survived this. And that tests would show whether he needed bypass surgery, and then a whole lot of questions to Lucy about what kind of stress levels he’d been operating under lately.
And all the while Lu
cy could barely even take it all in. She just focused on Andrew, grey in the face and looking waxy as he lay on the ICU hospital bed beside her, not a bit his usual handsome self at all. Did I do this to you, was all she could think. Was it separation and divorce that pushed you over the edge?
Then finally, after what seemed like an age, the consultant left her alone with him. But Andrew had been heavily sedated after the whole procedure and she’d been told he’d be out for possibly hours more.
‘That’s fine,’ she’d told the ICU nurse. ‘If it’s okay, I’ll wait.’
And now she was really properly alone with him.
She took his hand and wondered if some part of him could register the sensation of her touch.
‘Darling, I’m here,’ she told him, hoping that even though he was out cold, maybe a tiny part of him could hear. ‘And don’t you worry. Because this time I’m not going anywhere.’
*
Back at the hotel, there was an understandably muted atmosphere throughout the whole dining room over dinner. Word had spread like wildfire about what had happened to Andrew Lowe and of course now it was all anyone could talk about.
‘You know the exact same thing happened to good friends of ours back in New York,’ Jayne was happily telling anyone who’d listen to her. ‘Jack and Shayla Lowenstein. They were going through a really messy divorce and bickering over just about everything. Then whaddya know, one fine day Jack goes for a jog in the park and has a massive heart attack right there. Dead before he even hit the ground. Found by a lady out walking her dog. Total shocker.’
‘Mind you, Shayla did say it saved her a fortune in lawyer’s bills,’ Larry chipped in over her shoulder. ‘Plus, because they hadn’t actually finalized the divorce, she ended up getting everything!’
‘Larry! Time and a place!’ Jayne instantly pulled him up.
Dawn had been there when the ambulance first arrived and her heart had gone out to Lucy. The poor woman looked ashen faced as she walked behind the stretcher, with Chloe supporting one side of her and that tall, lean guy with the greyish hair at the other.
Please don’t let this be happening, Dawn had thought. Not to Andrew. Not to that kind, lovely gentleman who’d she’d chatted to only the previous night. Who’d been so sensitive and lovely and who’d made her laugh and cheered her up after possibly the shittiest day known to man.
If anyone up there can hear me, she found herself silently praying to a God she didn’t know if she believed in, then please let Andrew be okay. Please let that gorgeous, warm soul get through this somehow. Please.
So of course, what was meant to have been a fancy celebratory dinner that evening turned out to be anything but. The dining room was still full, but the atmosphere was far more subdued and low-key. Dawn hovered uncertainly over by the door, not even sure where she’d like to be seated. The last few meals she’d either sat alone or else at a group table with Jayne and Larry and some lovely people from Finland with perfect English and who promised they’d definitely call into Earth’s Garden to try out some of her spelt muesli.
And that’s when she saw him. Kirk, sitting all alone. Tucked away in a quiet corner of the room, looking morose and with a book propped up in front of him. Typical him, reading The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra. But it was the first time he’d shown up for any meals at all and until now, Dawn just assumed he was eating up in his room.
His eyes must have sensed hers on him because as soon as he spotted her, he was up on his feet and over to her side, smelling of incense and lavender, like he always did.
‘Join me,’ he said softly. ‘Please. Just this once. It would be so good to talk like we used to.’
Well why not, Dawn thought? Why not have this last and final supper together? After this weekend, he’d pretty much be out of her hair for good, so this was probably the last time they’d ever be able to do this. Besides, she thought, for all that Kirk had almost driven her to the brink, how would she have felt if that had been him led out of here on a stretcher and whisked off to an ICU? She shuddered just at the thought.
So Dawn followed him to the table, a waitress came over, they ordered drinks and she sat back, for the moment enjoying the silence. ‘Letting the angel pass,’ as Kirk always said.
‘It’s so painful to think about that poor soul,’ he began, ‘Andrew something, isn’t it?’
‘Andrew Lowe, yeah.’
‘You know I did offer him a reiki massage in the ambulance, but his wife said no.’
‘Kirk,’ Dawn told him gently, ‘the man just had a massive heart attack. You really think you holding your hands over him and doing a bit of deep breathing would help? You don’t think a fully prepped medical team with oxygen masks in an ICU might possibly do the job a bit better for him?’
‘The life force energy flows through us all, and is what causes us to be alive –’ but Kirk broke off here, realizing he’d just lost his audience. ‘I’m sorry, Dawn,’ he added softly. ‘And I’m guessing that coming out with that kind of thing is yet another reason why you and I are even here in the first place.’
‘You could say that, yeah,’ she said wryly.
‘I always knew you thought my reiki healings didn’t work …’
‘Ehh … no offence, but that’s because they don’t …’
‘And what you said yesterday about chakra realignment –’
‘Nothing against it, but it’s just not really me.’
‘And I suppose the same with aura reading?’
‘Kirk, I’m sorry, but it’s just fortune telling with a fancier name. You might as well just read your horoscope in the back of a magazine. Same difference.’
But instead of that well-known wounded look he’d worn ever since they arrived here on Friday, now Kirk surprised her by actually grinning.
‘Bless you,’ he said simply. ‘For the kindness of trying so hard back in our early days.’
‘Well, you certainly have to admit, I did make an effort,’ she smiled back.
‘Remember the time I took you off to the Energy and Wellness retreat up in the Wicklow mountains?’
‘Oh Kirk, don’t remind me! Thought I’d need therapy to get over that one …’
‘We were supposed to fast from sunrise to sunset and in the meantime, explore our deepest emotions through the freedom of dance …’
‘… And everyone else was amazing at it, but the subtext of my dance drama was “I’m bloody starving. And smelly. Where can I shower? And where’s the nearest bus stop so I can get the hell out of here?”’
‘I can’t believe how much you put up with, just for me,’ Kirk said, looking at her fondly. There was a candle lit on the table between them, and he just looked so beautiful in the flickering light, Dawn thought. There was a time when just the sight of him would have melted her. And yet, not now. Something had most definitely shifted inside of her. Maybe even healed, as Kirk might say.
‘I was twenty-two years of age,’ she told him simply. ‘I’d have said or done anything to make it work between us. You know that. But now, it all just seems so different. Aside from you and Shane and the horrible way I found out, and the humiliation of it all. Even leaving all that aside … we’re two very different people, Kirk. Don’t you see?’
‘Yes,’ he nodded calmly. ‘You know I do.’
‘Thing is, I’m just an ordinary, normal girl. I enjoy my job and I love doing things like going out for dinner every so often or …’ she broke off here, thinking back to that lovely barman from Kerry and the great aul’ chat they’d had earlier. ‘And I like going to the movies and maybe even the odd play. Simple things really, but all things you’ve no interest in. I mean, I’m only twenty-five and I just want to enjoy my life a bit more. And I’m sorry, but sitting round the flat smoking dope and listening to sitar music while eating brown rice and tofu just isn’t me really.’
Kirk just smiled and shook his head. ‘All you put up with for me. And I did so little for you in return, when I think of i
t. In fact, I’ve been meditating a lot about something you said to me on our first night here. Something that really hit home.’
‘Don’t remind me,’ Dawn said, rolling her eyes. ‘I bombarded you with so many insults that night, which one do you mean?’
‘You said I needed to realize that my actions had consequences for others around me. And I suppose pure, mute selfishness on my part made me block that out. So what I’m really trying to ask is …’
They were interrupted just as the waitress arrived with their drinks orders. Then Kirk leaned forward, the big, soulful brown eyes brimming up with concern now.
‘Do you think you’ll ever be able to forgive me? Because words can’t describe how eaten up with guilt I am ever since I came to this place and the full reality of what I’d put you through really hit home. You know that.’
Dawn took a sip of white wine and had a good think before answering.
‘You were my best friend and lover,’ she eventually said, ‘and I lost both in one fell swoop. The lover bit I can get over, but losing my best friend wasn’t easy, I can tell you. But then ever since we came here, there’s a big part of me thinking, does it really matter why we were so wrong for each other? The fact is that we were just wrong.’
‘Dawn … I’m so sorry. I really am. I know it’s naïve and cheeky to even think you’d want me as your friend after what I put you through, I know that. But if there was any way forward for you and me as true pals –’
‘Hey … now, let’s not run before we can walk,’ she laughed.
‘You always were a far wiser soul than me,’ Kirk smiled back warmly, that gorgeous dimply smile that once used to make her liquefy. ‘And certainly a far more generous one. You know, I think in a past life, you definitely must have been a Shaman … I’ve always said it.’
‘Ehh … let’s not get into shamanism right now, Kirk,’ she said firmly.
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