by Naomi West
It’s not easy, Katrin. Love. It’s not clean, or pure, or simple. It might never look quite the way you want it to.
Katrin nodded, placing a hand on her belly.She’s going to change everything, isn’t she? This … this life inside me.
Yes, sweetheart. She’s going to open your heart in a way you can’t even dream of yet.
The voice was gone, and Katrin stood on the porch, watching daylight fade to twilight.
Her mother was right. Love was messy. Imperfect. It was reckless. It was sometimes a high-speed chase. Sometimes a quiet night in the desert under the stars. She didn’t get to cherry-pick the best parts. She had to survive all of it. And that meant opening her heart to Pistol. Truly letting him in.
She took a shuddering breath.It’s going to be okay. I can heal from this. I can.
As she watched, the first star appeared in the sky.
###
Pistol stood up with a loud belch that the other guys laughed heartily at. He hadn’t seen Katrin for a while. He’d thought he should let her have some time alone, but maybe that hadn’t been the best approach. Maybe she needed someone now.
He searched the clubhouse but didn’t find her in any of the rooms. Then he caught sight of her silhouette through the front door. He opened the door and slipped outside, closing the door quietly behind him. She didn’t turn. He stepped up beside her and leaned on the porch railing.
“You doing okay?”
“As okay as can be expected, I guess.” She glanced at him, but didn’t smile. “I don’t want you to think I’m grieving for him. I’m glad he’s gone. I really am.”
“But it couldn’t have been easy. To do what you did.”
She shrugged, but he could see her jaw was trembling. “I’ll get over it.”
“You don’t have to pretend to be tough, you know? I already know you’re tough. It’s okay to have mixed up feelings about all this.”
She nodded. “I know. But I’m trying to focus on the future.”
His gut clenched. The future. The baby. He was so damn excited and nervous. He didn’t know what to say.
She turned to him suddenly. “I was never free,” she told him. “Until now.” She inhaled and let the breath out. “I want to give myself to you. I don’t want to hold back. I love you. I do. And if you meant what you said about wanting to be with me, with our baby…”
“I did,” he said quickly, voice rough with emotion. “I want us to do this, Katrin. Trust each other. Love each other. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. And I don’t want to be alone.”
She managed a shaky smile. “Good. Me either.”
“I’ve never been in love before. I worry I’ll … get it wrong, I guess.”
“Me too,” she whispered.
“But I guess we can figure it out? Together?” he offered.
“Together,” she agreed softly.
He stepped over to her and put his arms around her. Held her for a long time. She turned and nuzzled him, then stepped away. “You can go back to the guys. I just … want to be out here a little longer.”
“You sure you’re okay?”
She smiled at him, that beautiful smile that had left him speechless the first time he’d seen it. “I’m sure.”
He started toward the front door, but had to turn back one more time to look at her. Her borrowed blue sundress was fluttering, her dark hair still tangled, her profile regal, her lips slightly parted. She was staring at the horizon as though she could see their whole future there.
He realized he no longer felt any fear about loving her. About spending his life with her.
He was ready.
He went back inside. The guys had dispersed. Rhino was in the downstairs bathroom with the door open, trying to clean his split lip. Viking and Jackson were trying to get the smashed TV working in the den. Kong stood in the kitchen, drinking a glass of water. He turned when Pistol entered.
The two men stood amid the broken glass and overturned appliances — the toaster oven lay in pieces on the floor; the microwave had been overturned — and stared at each other for a moment, Pistol trying to get a handle on his emotions. He was incredibly fucking glad Kong was alive. The man meant enough to Pistol that Pistol had set down his weapon back at Smith’s house, ready to die with his mentor and president. But Kong had also made some pretty questionable decisions over the past couple of months.
“Is your wife all right?” Kong asked.
“She’s a little shaken up. Understandably.”
Kong nodded and gulped his water. Set the glass down. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “For all of this. Long ago, I promised I’d look out for you. And I did, even though you were an ungrateful little shit. But these last few months. I stopped being your mentor. I stopped being your brother. And I’m sorry.”
Pistol swallowed. “We’re cool.”
“Are we?”
Pistol shrugged. “I didn’t get why you rolled over for Smith. But I benefited from the extra cash, same as everyone else. My hands ain’t clean.”
“If I’d known what he had planned that night, I never would have let you all go.”
Pistol shrugged again. Seemed a little disingenuous for him to suggest he didn’t have an inkling that a psychopath might not be trustworthy, but hey. He’d gone along with the mission too, despite the red flags.
He scratched the back of his neck. “I know you done a lot for me, man. And I know I ain’t always been grateful — or deserved your help. But I know you put up with a lot. I know you didn’t want any of us getting hurt.
Kong nodded slowly. “What will you do now?”
Another shrug. “Find somewhere to settle down with Katrin. I do love her, you know. At first, I wasn’t sure … everything was so crazy. But now…” Now shewashis home.
“Katrin’s a good woman. Treat her right.”
“You know I will.”
“Will you still be … in the club?”
Pistol raised his brows. “If there’s still a club, I’m in it. I mean, it’s kind of … our numbers are down. Way down.”
“Yes.” Kong looked as old and tired as Pistol had ever seen him. But there was still an old familiar spark in his eye. “But they’ll climb.” He dragged the corners of his lips up into a smile. “I’ve got a plan. I just need some time to put it into action.”
Pistol returned the smile. “All right. Yeah. I’m intrigued.”
He started as Kong stepped forward. The old man’s boots crunched on the broken glass, and Pistol tensed as Kong came right up to him, then put his arms around Pistol in a long, fatherly hug. Pistol relaxed slowly, then, with a surge of emotion, threw his arms tightly around Kong.
Kong slapped Pistol’s back lightly and stepped away. Looked up at Pistol with kind, patient eyes. “I’m proud of you,” he said. “I think you’ve finally reached your potential.”
Epilogue
Nine months later
Katrin looked down at the bundle in her arms. Her daughter was wrapped in a dark blue blanket that matched her eyes. Katrin was certain she’d never been happier in her life. The baby shut those ocean blue eyes and drifted off again, her tiny mouth working slightly, then going slack.
“Man, she’s so bald,” Ford said. “Is that normal?”
Rhino smacked his arm. “Shut up, dude. Of course it’s normal.” He met Katrin’s gaze, flushing slightly. “Don’t mind him. She’s beautiful.”
“I didn’t say she wasn’t!” Ford protested. “I said she was bald.”
“She takes after her daddy,” Viking said.
Pistol grinned and rubbed his shaved head.
“They’re supposed to be,” Jackson put in. “They get hair when they’re older and their heads fuse and shit.”
Katrin rolled her eyes. She wasn’t sure how wise it had been to let the entire Blackened Souls Motorcycle Club into her hospital room right after giving birth — she was exhausted and sweaty, and part of her just wanted to sleep. But she appreciated the show of support.
/>
Kong was gazing down at the baby like she was a wonder. He looked up at Katrin, then at Pistol. “And you’re really gonna do it? The name?”
Pistol grinned broadly. “It’s already on the certificate.”
“Man, that’s badass,” Rhino said.
Pistol reached out to brush his daughter’s cheek with the back of one finger. “Deion Rose Smith-Wilson.”
Katrin smiled. She’d expected the nurse to look at her strangely when she’d said she wanted to name her little girl Deion, but he hadn’t batted an eye — just wrote it down on the certificate. That was Texas for you, she thought.
“Kind of a mouthful,” Viking said.
“You’re kind of a mouthful,” Rhino said, elbowing him. They started to wrestle, but Kong gave them a death glare, and they stopped. Kong looked at Katrin. “She’s going to be very much like her namesake. Brave. Bold. Kind.”
Katrin felt a surge of emotion. She tried to reply to Kong, but the words caught in her throat.
Pistol placed a hand on her shoulder. “Like her mother, too.”
“Exactly.” Kong said gruffly.
Katrin managed a laugh. “You two. Cut it out.”
“It’s true,” Pistol said.
Katrin focused on her daughter.Like her grandmother, too.
Mom, I wish you were here.
And the voice came to her, sweet and rich as the sunlight that filtered in through the window:
I am.
I am, Katrin. And she’s beautiful.
Katrin closed her eyes briefly.Thank you. She looks so much like you. I see you in her eyes.
She’d worried a little about what this day would feel like — if it would be lonely, giving birth without her family present. A foolish worry. Her family was here. Noisy, fumbling, a little rough around the edges, but good-hearted all of them. Her brothers.
“So when you gonna teach her to ride?” Ford asked.
“Dude, she was just born.” Pistol said.
“Exactly. Gotta start ’em young.”
“And whose bike it she gonna learn on?” Jackson asked. “Yours, or Kat’s.”
Katrin grinned. “I don’t know if I trust anyone on my bike.”
The guys laughed. “You sure are attached to that thing,” Ford said.
“How could I not be? You’ve seen how fast that baby goes.”
She and Pistol had picked out her Suzuki V-Strom 1000 ABS a couple of weeks after the showdown at her father’s house. Katrin had spent hours online comparing different models, asking Pistol questions, chatting with people in biker forums before she’d decided on the Suzuki — sleek, built for speed, good off road. She’d managed to get a good few weeks of riding in before her doctor had tactfully suggested she back off a little and focus on getting bed rest. Mostly she’d ridden it to and from the university. But sometimes, on her way home from campus, she’d gotten an itch that wouldn’t leave her alone, and she’d pulled off into the desert, laughing at the wind in her face, the sand stinging her calves as she blazed across the unspoiled land.
She and Pistol had purchased a little house in town, not too far from campus. They’d used only money from Pistol’s auto shop, the sale of her father’s house, and Katrin’s freelancing for the down payment. None of Leonard Smith’s dirty money. Katrin had enrolled for a semester of nursing school. She’d be taking the summer off for maternity leave, but she hoped to be back at school in the fall.
“I don’t know if I want her anywhere near a motorcycle,” Pistol muttered. “Those things are dangerous.”
“Hey, dude, don’t be sexist,” Rhino said. He looked at Katrin as if for approval.
Katrin looked at Pistol. “That’s right. Our daughter will do just fine on a bike.”
“I’d say the same if she were a boy!” Pistol insisted. “I never realized how terrifying motorcycles are until I started picturing my kid riding one.
They all laughed.
Kong shifted. “Maybe we ought to let mama and baby rest.” He glanced around at the others. “We’ve got club business to discuss, anyway.”
“Um, excuse me,” Katrin said with a laugh. “I want to hear the club business.”
Kong grinned at her. “Sure you don’t need a nap first? This is pretty big news.”
“I do not need a nap,” she said firmly. Like hell she didn’t. But the boys had been hinting for a couple of days now about some big news involving the club. She wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Kong sat back in his chair. “Well. Basically, Ford and me have been talking for a while now about rebuilding the Blackened Souls.”
Katrin nodded. This wasn’t news; they’d already accepted a couple of new members, and had been working for weeks to renovate the clubhouse. Which had needed some work anyway, but particularly required some sprucing up in the wake of her father’s men’s raid on it. The guys had done a deep cleaning, and had even picked out new furniture — mismatched though it was.
Kong ran a hand through his hair and went on. “So, the plan is to rebuild it as a legitimate business organization. He looked from Pistol to Katrin. “No more drugs. No more turf wars. Nothing shady.”
“Wow,” Katrin said. “That’s fantastic.” She meant it. She’d been trying to reconcile her own role as a Blackened Soul with the club’s shady history. She liked the idea of a new start.
“So we’re gonna start a repair shop of our own,” Ford added. “Pistol, we’d be most appreciative if you’d oversee that aspect. Give the rest of us any training we still need.”
“Of course,” Pistol said.
“Thinking about a motorcycle licensing school, too,” Kong said.
“Awesome!” Katrin said. “I have some friends from school who’d sign up in a heartbeat to learn to ride.”
“Well, steer them our way, please!” Ford laughed. “We don’t have much experience being legit.”
“I’m not sure that’s true,” Katrin said. “From what Pistol’s told me, your club always tried to do right, for the most part.”
“Yeah!” Rhino said. “Right ain’t always the same as legal.”
“Words to live by.” Jackson clapped him on the back.
“Yeah,” well now we’re gonna be both,” Ford said. “Right and legal.”
“Well,” Katrin said, amused. “Then I’m particularly thrilled to be part of the club at such a monumental time.”
“We are, of course, honored to have you.” Kong smiled kindly. “Glad that your family is a part of our family now.” He stood slowly. He hadn’t recovered from his time as her father’s hostage quite as well as the others. Some of it was old age, but he might always carry the vestiges of the beating he’d taken at her father’s hand. “Well,” he said. “We really should give you some time alone with your daughter.” He motioned to the others, and they shuffled to the door, calling out congratulations. Kong gave them one last smile and a nod, then the door shut.
They were alone at last. They gazed at each other. Katrin wondered if her smile was as goofy as Pistol’s. “So, we did it,” Pistol said. “You did it, I mean.”
“We did it.” She cradled Deion closer to her. The baby was sound asleep. Very bald, Ford was right — except for one tuft of dark hair.
Katrin looked back at Pistol, her smile fading. “Is it hard not to have Deion here?”
Pistol shrugged. “Yeah. I mean, it’s always rough. He would have loved to see her. But I think … maybe he can.” He smiled softly at her. “What about you? How are you holding up?”
She nodded. “Same. I believe my mom can see her. See us. I feel Mom here with me. I don’t know if that sound silly…”
“Not at all.” Pistol stroked her hand, then tucked the blue blanket up more closely around little Deion’s chin.
“I’m glad the club’s getting a makeover,” she said after a while.
“Me too.”
The nurse came in to check on them. He offered to take Deion to the nursery so Katrin could sleep, but Katrin said she’d rather keep
her baby with her a while longer. The nurse left.
“I’ve been thinking,” Katrin told Pistol shyly. “Maybe I’d like to specialize in prenatal nursing.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I’d like to help other people through the process of — of this miracle. You know?”
He nodded. “I think that’s awesome.”