The Shoplifters

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The Shoplifters Page 1

by Morris Panych




  Contents

  Act One

  Scene One

  Scene Two

  Scene Three

  Scene Four

  Scene Five

  Act Two

  Scene One

  Scene Two

  Scene Three

  Scene Four

  Scene Five

  Also by Morris Panych

  The Shoplifters by Morris Panych was first produced from September 5 to October 19, 2014, at Arena Stage in Washington, DC, with the following cast and creative team:

  ALMA: Jayne Houdyshell

  PHYLLIS: Jenna Sokolowski

  DOM: Adi Stein

  OTTO: Delaney Williams

  Director: Morris Panych

  Set and Costume Designer: Ken MacDonald

  Lighting Designer: Nancy Schertler

  Composer and Sound Designer: David Van Tieghem

  Stage Managers: Kurt Hall and Martha Knight

  Assistant Stage Manager: Pat Cochran

  Special thanks to Molly Smith, Artistic Director at Arena Stage, for her tremendous support, and to Jocelyn Clarke, who offered invaluable dramaturgical guidance.

  Act One

  Scene One

  Lights up on the stockroom of a large supermarket. The walls of this airless enclosure are piled dizzyingly high with cartons and crates of various sizes. A metal door with a small window separates the room from the noisy outside world of the store. A bare light bulb hangs over a long table. Seated at one end of the table is ALMA, a tough piece of work in her sixties, very canny and alert. At the other end stands DOM, a boyish, slightly awkward security guard in his early twenties, wearing an ill-fitting uniform. He has one leg propped up on a chair as he stares down his captive. In DOM’s holster is a walkie-talkie that he speaks into occasionally, but what we hear back is indecipherable static. In the centre of the table are two large steaks, wrapped in butcher paper, as well as a pen and a blank piece of paper.

  DOM

  Okay, let’s try this again.

  Beat.

  Name?

  ALMA

  I’ll talk to the other guy.

  DOM

  You’ll talk to me.

  ALMA

  Where’s the other guy?

  DOM

  Your full name, please.

  ALMA

  When did you start here?

  Beat.

  Yesterday? Today?

  He sits, picks up the pen.

  ALMA

  I’ll wait.

  He clicks the pen repeatedly.

  ALMA

  Extra security – what for, I’m asking myself.

  DOM

  Because I’m replacing him; any more questions?

  ALMA

  You?

  Walkie-talkie static. DOM leaps to his feet to answer.

  DOM

  Ten-four.

  More static.

  I thought it was “ten-four.”

  Walkie-talkie.

  No, not yet.

  Walkie-talkie.

  Okay. Over and out.

  Walkie-talkie.

  So what do I say?

  Walkie-talkie.

  Can I say “over”?

  Walkie-talkie.

  So, how do we know when it’s over?

  Walkie-talkie goes dead.

  Hello?

  He puts down the walkie-talkie, sits again.

  ALMA

  So, what, they’re retiring him?

  DOM

  Who?

  ALMA

  Great, I’m dealing with amateurs now, upstarts.

  DOM

  You’re the amateur, lady.

  ALMA

  Don’t “lady” me.

  DOM

  Don’t “amateur” me. I’ve taken the Security Guard and Private Investigator multiple-choice exam. Twice.

  ALMA

  But what’s your on-the-job experience? This is what everybody’s wondering.

  DOM

  I have twenty-ten vision in this eye.

  ALMA

  I’m not talking to some rookie.

  DOM

  Duly recorded. (writing) Will not talk.

  ALMA

  What about the other eye? Is that in working order?

  DOM

  It can spot a thief.

  ALMA

  Are you familiar at all with the myth of Prometheus?

  DOM

  Are you familiar with the law?

  ALMA

  He stole fire from the gods. You suppose that was such a bad move?

  DOM

  There is only one God and you didn’t steal any fire from him; you took a sixteen-ounce rib steak and stuck it under your dress.

  ALMA

  Why would I put meat under my dress? There’s enough bacteria down there.

  DOM

  I can’t believe you just said that.

  ALMA

  You’re not ready for the big leagues, mister. You can’t even keep your acne under surveillance.

  DOM

  You want to play this game? I can play this game. I can go all the way, lady.

  ALMA

  Sit down! This is not how it’s done. You haven’t even got my name out of me and you practically already burst a blood vessel.

  DOM

  We got a first name.

  ALMA

  Is it my real first name?

  DOM

  You tell me.

  ALMA

  I told you, I’m not telling you anything.

  DOM

  So what’s your name?

  ALMA

  Try a different approach, why don’t you. Relax me into the situation. Relax me. You got a cigarette?

  DOM

  No.

  ALMA

  That’s too bad, a cigarette is really the way to go.

  DOM

  That is not a valid or a safe request.

  During the following speech, ALMA pulls a new box of tissues out of her purse, tears it open, removes a tissue, coughs into it, and then wipes her mouth.

  ALMA

  Oh, you’re going to play by the rules. You might want to check the rule about properly identifying yourself when you apprehend somebody, especially an innocent customer.

  Beat. DOM clicks the pen repeatedly.

  ALMA

  And don’t click your pen. It only makes you seem impatient.

  DOM

  Maybe I am.

  ALMA

  Don’t be, it’s a process.

  He stops.

  ALMA

  You think this is just about a lady stealing a steak? I can turn this whole thing inside out in two minutes.

  DOM

  So you did steal it?

  ALMA

  Steal what?

  DOM

  You said, just now, you said, “Do you think this is just about a lady stealing a steak.” I’m gonna write that down.

  He starts to write.

  ALMA

  It’s Alma.

  DOM

  Huh?

  ALMA

  My name: Alma.

  DOM

  Before, it was Sandra.

  ALMA

  When?

  DOM

  Over by the dairy.

  ALMA

  Well, we’re not over by the dairy, and it’s Alma now. If you thought it was Sandra, then why are you asking me what my name is?

  DOM

  Because I like to ask questions?

  ALMA

  You see? That’s how it’s done. Small talk, the ebb and flow.

  DOM

  Ebb and what?

  ALMA

  Flow. Like we’re having a conversation over drinks and a bowl of those fancy nuts.

  DOM

 
; Which ones?

  ALMA

  I don’t know, the fancy ones.

  DOM

  I have a nut allergy.

  ALMA

  Oh, the sensitive type.

  Beat.

  It would help if you smiled, even in a sardonic way.

  DOM

  Smiling is not encouraged.

  ALMA

  So, where’s my counsel?

  DOM

  Not here.

  ALMA

  Do you know anything, whatsoever, about the law in this country? This is not the Middle East here. We are not in China, big boy. I have rights.

  DOM

  What rights? To steal expensive meat?

  During the following speech, ALMA digs a new package of emery boards out of her purse, rips the back off, and proceeds to file down a hangnail.

  ALMA

  I am not moving forward with this conversation, under the mistaken assumption that I have stolen anything, meat or otherwise. For the time being, let’s just say I’m under investigation and leave it at that.

  DOM

  Fine. I got all day.

  ALMA

  What, you don’t think there are other people out there, robbing this place blind? You think the moral fabric of this neighbourhood is woven so tight that the minute you leave your area, all criminal activity comes to a grinding halt?

  DOM

  My colleague is looking out for me, but thank you for your concern.

  ALMA

  No he isn’t. He’s somewhere else with Phyllis.

  DOM

  Is that her name?

  ALMA

  No. Who?

  DOM

  I’m going to write that down. See? Writing it down. Friend. Phyllis. Partner in crime.

  ALMA

  It starts with a P and she’s not my friend.

  DOM

  Who isn’t?

  ALMA

  This woman, whoever she is. This – Phyllis woman.

  DOM

  All the same, your friend-who’s-not-your-friend Phyllis – the minute you dropped the meat out of your dress, threw up her hands and shouted, “I don’t know her!” And then the meat dropped out of hers.

  ALMA

  Well, there you are.

  DOM

  Where? Where am I?

  ALMA

  She doesn’t know me.

  DOM

  Who doesn’t? Phyllis?

  ALMA

  Jesus was crucified with a thief. Did you know that?

  DOM

  Don’t talk to me about Jesus! Where did the meat come from if you didn’t put it under there?

  ALMA

  Oh, you want to get into a philosophical discussion.

  DOM

  I don’t need to. We have cameras.

  ALMA rises.

  ALMA

  I’m getting bored with this.

  DOM

  Sit down!

  DOM raises the pen like a knife.

  ALMA

  That’s a pen you got there.

  DOM

  You don’t know what I’m capable of.

  ALMA

  Listen to me, you little punk, and I’ll tell you something: the minute you walk into this place you are being ripped off, so don’t talk to me about stealing. You think it’s an accident that all the expensive items are easily within reach, but you can’t find the milk; that the carefree, relaxing music is dulling all your senses? You know what kind of profits these people make, subtly massaging money out of your pocket? You think it’s an accident that the candy bars are stacked at the till, child level? Or maybe you don’t give a shit. Maybe you like being the stooge, running around like some jackass chasing after women with meat in their dresses, Mr. Security Guard with the shiny new badge.

  DOM

  I don’t see you getting any 15 percent employee discount!

  ALMA

  Sure, plus I don’t get to wear that uniform. Is that what makes you feel so big? It doesn’t fit, by the way. Look at those shoulders. They got you walking the aisles looking like you’re two sizes too small for this job.

  DOM

  The uniform is pending.

  ALMA

  They haven’t actually hired you, have they?

  DOM

  I’m in training.

  ALMA

  Oh, so those are training pants.

  DOM

  These are the pants of authority, lady.

  ALMA

  I’m looking at a second stringer.

  DOM

  And I’m looking at a thief.

  ALMA

  With which eye? I can’t tell.

  DOM

  This one.

  He stabs himself in the eye with the pen.

  Ummg! Ow. Ow!

  ALMA

  What did you do?

  DOM

  Nothing.

  ALMA

  You just jab yourself?

  DOM

  I’m done talking with you for the time being.

  ALMA

  Really? We just got started.

  Covering his eye, DOM rushes for the door.

  DOM

  Excuse me.

  ALMA

  Let me have a look at that.

  DOM hurries out, shutting the door behind him. ALMA follows him and tries the door. It’s locked. She tries again, jiggling the handle.

  ALMA

  This is false imprisonment!

  She turns back toward the room, considering her situation. Suddenly the fight is gone. She seems tired, almost lifeless.

  I can’t believe this.

  Slowly, she makes her way back to the table and sits, holding on to the sides of the table.

  I can’t believe it.

  For a long beat ALMA is motionless, and then she sits up, pulling herself together.

  No. I am not done, yet.

  Blackout. In silhouette, we see OTTO, a security guard in his sixties, enter and escort ALMA out the door. He returns momentarily, followed by DOM.

  Scene Two

  OTTO is seated. DOM stands at full attention, covering one eye with a bag of frozen peas.

  OTTO

  I told you not to engage her in conversation; you don’t have the skill set. Can’t you get a name out of someone without losing an eye? “Take down her particulars” is what I think I said. And don’t stand at attention all the time.

  DOM

  I’m only trying to fill out the jacket.

  OTTO

  It’s not just about posture in this business.

  DOM

  I walked out before she got to me.

  OTTO

  Listen to me. Are you listening to me?

  DOM

  Is it really that big?

  OTTO

  Don’t talk to me about these new uniforms.

  DOM

  She has no respect for authority.

  OTTO

  Don’t say that; you don’t know her. You don’t know her motives. Okay, you think you know; what are her motives?

  DOM

  She’s a thief.

  OTTO

  “Thief” is not a – listen to me – not a motive. “Thief” is a consequence. You understand?

  DOM

  No.

  OTTO

  We’ll go out sometime, we’ll talk about it.

  DOM

  Like – after work? Like friends?

  OTTO

  Look at me.

  DOM

  I am.

  OTTO

  Are you all right, can you see?

  DOM opens his eye, blinks.

  DOM

  I think so.

  OTTO

  Jesus. Okay. What do we know so far?

  DOM

  Her name is Alma.

  OTTO

  Says who?

  DOM

  Her: she told me. And the other one is Phyllis.

  OTTO

  Phyllis.

  DOM

  To us, they
don’t have names, right?

  OTTO

  Where did you get that?

  DOM

  To us they’re the apprehended suspects.

  OTTO

  Are you just making stuff up now?

  DOM

  It’s in the training curriculum.

  OTTO

  You’ve been here, what, six hours?

  DOM

  Closer to seven, sir.

  OTTO

  Don’t get too excited about the training curriculum. You want to quote me the protocols for handling evidence, too? When meat falls out of somebody’s underpants? What goes on here is not covered in any rule book, believe me. Listen and learn. Sit down, for God’s sake, you make me feel like I’m at a –

  DOM

  Sir?

  OTTO

  – military tribunal. And why are you always interrupting me?

  DOM

  I’m only seeking clarification.

  OTTO

  You’re what?

  DOM

  When in doubt I should seek clarification.

  OTTO

  You can throw all that out the window. In here, it’s survival, going with your gut. It’s like this morning, with the banana thing –

  DOM

  I’m still a little confused about the bananas.

  OTTO

  It’s called a supposition of innocence. Sometimes a person will peel a banana and eat it while they’re shopping. And then when they get to the checkout they will probably pay for it. You don’t grab their arm and attempt to throw them to the ground.

  DOM

  So how do they weigh it?

  OTTO

  Huh?

  DOM

  Won’t it weigh less if the customer eats it?

  OTTO

  Is this a conversation about bananas? Could we just –

  DOM

  I made up for that, though.

  OTTO

  Yeah, you more than made up for it.

  DOM

  I knew she was up to something.

  OTTO

  Alma. Alma.

  DOM

  And Phyllis.

  OTTO

  Huh?

  DOM

  And what about securing and protecting the crime scene?

  OTTO

  Don’t call it a crime. It’s a story. What we need to do is get behind the story. We need to get inside their heads. You know why?

  DOM

  Because they’re the enemy.

  OTTO

  Where do you get that? How? How are they the enemy?

  DOM

  It’s like when you’re in a battle, in a war, right?

  OTTO

  Holy Jesus. You ever been in a war?

  DOM

  Not a regular war.

  OTTO

  The Salvation Army is not an army, just so you know.

  DOM

  Tell that to the Devil.

  OTTO

  I’m guessing you were a little too zealous for them.

  DOM

  Sometimes you just have to make people charitable.

  OTTO

  Sure, well, in here we work with a little less ardour. It’s more about attentiveness. It’s a sensitive environment. You don’t want to scare people away from buying their groceries.

 

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