DOM
No sir.
OTTO
When you run around shouting like that, in the middle of the store like that, all you’re doing is stopping the wrong people from doing the right things. You know what’s going on out there?
DOM
Where?
OTTO
Out – there?
DOM
Vice is what’s going on.
OTTO
Is that what you see? Vice?
DOM
An epidemic.
OTTO
Did I say that before? Don’t quote back to me things I didn’t say before. What I said was, we live in a world of have and have not. I think I said it over by the specialty foods, because whenever I’m over in the specialty foods I think about people in other parts of the world.
DOM
I remember, yeah.
OTTO
And we are here to remind people what they don’t have, they can’t have by just stuffing it into their jackets; the imbalances of the world cannot be corrected by a can of stolen tuna. And in a quiet and orderly way, we just induce them to please return the items from whence they were absconded, and walk away the better for it.
DOM
Is that why you told me not to stop them?
OTTO
Did I say not to stop them?
DOM
You said –
OTTO
It’s not just about stopping; it’s how we stop them. We represent the conscience, Dom. This new uniform, as ugly and ill fitting as it may be, speaks to the higher nature of human conduct. When some person dares to strike out at the world by sticking a frozen cheesecake into their backpack or whatever, we are here to remind them that there is a better way. You might want to unclench your fists a little.
DOM
I can’t help it.
OTTO
I know, and I understand. It’s hard to accept that there is wrong in the world, but we’re not just talking about some ladies with steaks up their dresses. Who are the real thieves? Ask yourself. We don’t have to do this, you know. Let people steal. Personally, I hate this fucking job. I could be doing something else with my fucking life. I could be out there –
DOM
Where?
OTTO
There!
DOM
I thought they were letting you go.
OTTO
I didn’t tell you that. Who told you that?
DOM
It’s why you’re training me in.
OTTO
I told you we had philosophical differences is what I told you. Letting me go? I’m letting them go. The kid takes a bottle of rubbing alcohol . . . rubbing alcohol. Is it Armageddon?
DOM
What kid?
OTTO
They hire you to guard the fucking merchandise, but are they down here, on the front lines, making these life-and-death, on-the-spot decisions? You know who’s making these decisions?
DOM
Us?
OTTO
You know what? Sometimes when I ask a question you don’t always have to answer it.
Beat.
Alma . . .
DOM
Should we go get them from the holding area?
OTTO
Who? No, let them sit in that locker for a while. Work up a sweat.
DOM
How? It’s eight degrees.
OTTO
We’ll let them just think about what they’ve done. You know what I’m saying?
DOM
Sir?
OTTO
Don’t call me “sir.” What?
DOM
I’ve been meaning to say –
OTTO
Don’t say you’ve “been meaning to say,” just say.
DOM
We did not clearly identify ourselves.
OTTO
When?
DOM
When we apprehended the suspects. We did not clearly identify ourselves as security providers.
OTTO
Here we go again with their rules! What do they think this is? Water polo? Or that fucking game with the weird bats that sounds like a – an insect?
DOM
And why aren’t we calling the police? I thought –
OTTO
That just narrows the scope of this investigation. The police walk in and bam, it’s over, Dom. Case closed.
DOM
Don’t we want it closed?
OTTO
It’s a door, Dom, you open it, see what’s on the other side. Without knowledge, Dom, without knowledge, what are we? Just . . . some guys guarding a store. Of course, now you’ve complicated the situation by, you know, catching these two –
DOM
That’s right.
OTTO
Let’s just go back to the beginning. You saw her put the meat under there.
DOM
I didn’t see anything.
OTTO
No?
DOM
I didn’t see her conceal the meat. I was just using my – you know?
OTTO
No.
DOM
The other one, she was walking in an unwieldy manner, so I used my intuition.
OTTO
Who asked you to use that?
DOM
I just wanted to make an impact here.
OTTO
Oh you did that, all right. We don’t have a case now.
DOM
What about the cameras?
OTTO
They were in a blind spot. We don’t have a case.
DOM
So we build a case.
OTTO
What are you talking about? How? How do we do that?
DOM
Give me one more try with her.
OTTO
Look, Dom, it’s your first catch – and congratulations, you caught a big one, and on your first shift and everything – but we don’t have a case if you didn’t see it happen.
DOM
You can’t just let them go.
OTTO
Who’s letting anybody go? It’s a bad stop. They could sue us for holding them without evidence. If we let them go now, we’re done for. We need a confession.
DOM
Maybe they’re holding more evidence. Maybe we need to search them.
OTTO
We can’t search them. We can’t do anything. Unless they actually confess –
DOM
I’ll get a confession.
OTTO
Look at you; you’re like a gun ready to go off. I’m taking over from here. Besides, I was the one who spotted her.
DOM
But you didn’t even think they were walking all that funny.
OTTO
In this neighbourhood, everybody walks funny.
He weakens.
Oh boy.
DOM
Are you okay, sir?
OTTO
Okay? I’ve been doing this job for thirty fucking years. Thirty! Go talk to her friend.
DOM
I won’t lose my cool this time.
OTTO
Just do what I do. Look at them through softened eyes. Like this.
He demonstrates.
DOM
What does that do?
OTTO
It’s a relaxation thing. I’m using it to reduce my stress. The job, the changes, when I need calming and mindfulness – you know, in order not to – Jesus. I think I’m having a heart attack.
DOM
I think I’m having one, too. My heart’s just, practically –
OTTO
This is a blood-pressure situation.
DOM
I know CPR.
DOM approaches OTTO, open mouthed.
OTTO
What are you –
DOM
I just –
OTTO
I’m fine for the moment, thanks. I can breathe on my own. Just sometime
s – with all the pressure –
DOM
Yeah, the pressure –
OTTO
We don’t want to –
DOM
We don’t want to fly off the handle and kill anyone.
OTTO
What?
DOM
All I’m saying –
OTTO
Yeah, well – don’t say that. That’s not –
DOM
Not –
OTTO
We’ll just – we’ll leave them alone for a few more minutes.
DOM
Let them reflect on God and his commandments.
OTTO
Something like that.
DOM
Not let them pee.
OTTO
Yeah, well that’s –
DOM
No woman can stand being away from a restroom for too long.
OTTO
I guess not.
DOM
We’ll show them how it’s done. Right, Otto?
OTTO
This is how it’s done. With reason and good judgment and, who knows, maybe even a little humanity. Because without that, without that –
DOM
Sure.
Beat.
DOM
Have we got any duct tape?
Blackout. In silhouette, DOM and OTTO exit, returning a moment later with ALMA and PHYLLIS, a nervous thirty-two-year-old dressed as stylishly as she can afford. The two men seat the women at either end of the table, then leave, locking the door.
Scene Three
PHYLLIS rocks back and forth in her chair, uncomfortable, shivering. ALMA watches her.
ALMA
Look at you, shaking all over.
PHYLLIS
What do they think we are, a couple of heads of lettuce?
ALMA
You’re going to fuck this up you carry on like this.
PHYLLIS
I can’t go to jail.
ALMA
Just don’t admit to anything.
PHYLLIS
You said we wouldn’t get caught.
ALMA
Getting caught is part of the deal. You ever played poker with those Greek guys at Stamos? You gotta play it like it doesn’t matter.
PHYLLIS
You never said it was part of the deal.
ALMA
I’m saying it now. You and your limping.
PHYLLIS
It’s my condition.
ALMA
Well, your condition brings on my condition, so don’t talk to me about your condition.
PHYLLIS
I should’ve gone to work this morning.
ALMA
Let me tell you something, Phyllis: you wouldn’t be saying that if we were sitting down to dinner right now eating those steaks.
PHYLLIS
I don’t need a steak.
ALMA
You don’t need a steak.
She opens the butcher paper.
Just look at this fucking thing. My God, that’s got to be two inches thick.
They contemplate the steak for a moment.
ALMA
Can’t you just hear it sizzling away?
PHYLLIS
Why didn’t we stick with the plan?
ALMA
What plan?
PHYLLIS
Why did you have to go and order these special cuts from the butcher? That was the beginning of the end.
ALMA
The ones wrapped in plastic are the cheap cuts.
PHYLLIS
But they stick to your legs at least.
ALMA
That’s what the double-sided tape is for.
PHYLLIS
There was no more room up there.
ALMA
You only have a birthday once a year.
PHYLLIS
I should never have been born.
ALMA
Well, you were. Congratulations. And don’t you ever say that again, Phyllis, don’t even think it.
PHYLLIS tries not to think it.
ALMA
Elevate yourself for once in your life.
PHYLLIS
How?
ALMA
Put your shoulders back, for God’s sake. Open up your chest. You are not a thief; stop acting like one.
PHYLLIS
I feel like one.
ALMA
That’s their intention.
PHYLLIS
What is?
ALMA
To put us in their little morality play. As if we have a choice in the matter.
PHYLLIS
Don’t we?
ALMA
Can you afford these?
PHYLLIS
So what’s going to happen?
ALMA
They’re going to ask us some questions, and we’re going to find a way not to answer them.
PHYLLIS
What about the police?
ALMA
Yeah, that’s what I’d like to know.
PHYLLIS
I’ll lose my job.
ALMA
This is a big operation here; they have to be careful what they do and what they don’t do, or they could find themselves facing a big, fat lawsuit. Nobody likes it when a giant corporation starts beating up on little old ladies.
PHYLLIS
I’m only thirty-two.
ALMA
So find another angle, work them. Tell them you have colitis. Tell them you’re from Bulgaria. Keep changing your story. They’ll come to realize that they’re getting nowhere by keeping us here; they don’t have our kind of commitment.
PHYLLIS
I’m no good at lying.
ALMA
It’s only lying if one person says it.
PHYLLIS
So what’s our story?
ALMA
First of all, we don’t know each other.
PHYLLIS
For how long?
ALMA
What do you mean, for how long?
PHYLLIS
Forever?
ALMA
Forever? We don’t know each other.
PHYLLIS
What if we knew each other in a former life?
ALMA
Seriously?
PHYLLIS
It’s possible.
ALMA
You and your former lives. Just try to get through this one.
PHYLLIS
It’s a continuum.
ALMA
Phyllis, trust me; when you die, you die.
PHYLLIS
How would you know?
ALMA
I’ll find out soon enough.
PHYLLIS
I thought you were better.
ALMA
At my age, you don’t get better.
PHYLLIS
But the test –
ALMA
I didn’t do the test. Must we get into this discussion right now? We have a situation here.
PHYLLIS
It was foretold all this would happen.
ALMA
Phyllis, a fortune cookie is not the most reliable scientific method for predicting the future.
PHYLLIS
“If your desires are not extravagant they will be granted.” All I’m saying. “Not extravagant.”
ALMA
Even your fortune cookies have diminished expectations. Anyway, it doesn’t apply because we took those; they have to follow an actual Chinese dinner.
PHYLLIS
And then there was my horoscope.
ALMA
Your guy, did he seem very smart to you?
PHYLLIS
No.
ALMA
Playing dumb. That’s smart.
PHYLLIS
Maybe he is dumb.
ALMA
If he was dumb, he’d be playing smart. That’s how it goes: opposites. This is a dumb move, putting us together like this. Which means
it’s a smart move. But how?
PHYLLIS
I don’t know.
ALMA
Why would they give us this opportunity to corroborate our story?
PHYLLIS
I don’t know.
ALMA
Why leave us with the steaks? They’re up to something, but what is it?
PHYLLIS
I don’t know.
ALMA
And why no police?
PHYLLIS
I don’t know.
ALMA
Phyllis, what you don’t know, Einstein couldn’t estimate. Something’s not right here. This guy –
PHYLLIS
I know one thing.
ALMA
What’s that?
PHYLLIS
You’re not as good a shoplifter as you think you are.
ALMA
I’m at the top of my game.
PHYLLIS
It was you who dropped the meat first.
ALMA
Because my legs started to sweat. And why was that, do you suppose?
PHYLLIS
I was making you nervous.
ALMA
You were walking around like a geisha.
PHYLLIS
The meat was slipping.
ALMA
Exactly. Yours would’ve fallen out anyway. I should’ve done this on my own.
PHYLLIS
I’m going to lose my mind in a second.
ALMA
Sure, that’s it. They want us to turn on each other.
PHYLLIS
How?
ALMA
Don’t you see, Phyllis? They appeal to our self-preservation instincts. You try to save your skin; I try to save my skin. So we turn on each other. It’s called plea bargaining.
PHYLLIS
I told him your name.
ALMA
You what?
PHYLLIS
He tricked me. He said, “Her name isn’t Violet, is it?”
ALMA
That’s a trick?
PHYLLIS
He said it loud, like “Violet.” Like a gunshot to the head.
ALMA
So now they have both our names.
PHYLLIS
You told them my name?
ALMA
No.
PHYLLIS
I wish there was a window we could climb out of.
ALMA
Listen to yourself. What would you be doing right now, if you weren’t here? Ask yourself.
PHYLLIS
Checking coats at my restaurant.
ALMA
It’s not your restaurant, just so you know.
PHYLLIS
I love my job.
ALMA
Not even a day off for your birthday.
PHYLLIS
It’s a good job.
ALMA
Is that so.
PHYLLIS
And there’s benefits, all kinds.
ALMA
Oh, you mean taking change out of people’s pockets.
PHYLLIS
Other things.
ALMA
The Shoplifters Page 2