DOM
Sit down. I’m taking over this investigation!
OTTO
You’re not taking over this investigation.
ALMA
Thanks for everything.
DOM
Put those down. Give me your stun gun, Otto!
OTTO
You’re not using my stun gun.
DOM
Give it to me. I am relieving you of your command.
OTTO
You’re not relieving me of my command.
DOM
Give it to me, goddammit!
OTTO
Relax, I said!
DOM
We’re not going to let them just walk out on us.
OTTO
It’s not about us. It’s not about them.
DOM
What’s it about, then?
OTTO
Two steaks. They’ll be rotten in a week.
DOM leaps for the stun gun.
DOM
Give me the gun!
OTTO
No.
They struggle. PHYLLIS jumps up, producing the weapon.
PHYLLIS
Hands in the air! All of you, except for you!
She gestures toward ALMA.
ALMA
What are you doing with that, for Christ’s sake?
OTTO
That is a dangerous weapon, Phyllis.
PHYLLIS
That’s right.
ALMA
Put it down. We’ll just walk out of here quietly.
OTTO
You heard her. Just walk out.
DOM
Phyllis, think about what you’re doing!
OTTO
Jesus.
DOM
Give me that.
He walks toward her as she backs up around the table.
PHYLLIS
Get back. And don’t follow us.
DOM
I thought you found God.
PHYLLIS
I found this first. Move it, Alma. I said move it!
DOM
Listen to me –
PHYLLIS
No, you listen to me. It wasn’t my idea to steal anything.
ALMA
You don’t have any ideas.
PHYLLIS brandishes the stun gun wildly.
PHYLLIS
This is all the idea I need!
ALMA has backed away. OTTO approaches PHYLLIS from the other direction and lunges at her.
OTTO
Give. Me. That.
PHYLLIS and OTTO struggle as they circle the table. The stun gun goes off and lands directly on ALMA’s neck, giving her an almighty shock. She falls onto the table, motionless.
OTTO
Alma!
DOM
Jesus.
PHYLLIS
Right.
Beat.
This investigation is over.
Blackout.
Scene Four
DOM is gone. ALMA lies on the table with the steaks stacked under her head, and OTTO gently strokes her hair as the lights rise. PHYLLIS is still standing with the stun gun.
PHYLLIS
Is she dead?
ALMA
Not yet.
OTTO
Don’t move. The medics are on their way.
ALMA
I don’t want any medics. What happened?
PHYLLIS
You stopped breathing.
ALMA
I stopped breathing?
OTTO
Momentarily.
PHYLLIS
I gave you another shock with this and you started again.
ALMA
Where’s your partner?
OTTO
He went to call the medics.
PHYLLIS
I need to get out of here.
OTTO
The manager is on his way down.
ALMA
Get lost, Phyllis.
PHYLLIS
What about the other guy?
OTTO
Make your way through the frozen section. He doesn’t like it over there.
PHYLLIS heads for the door. She stops.
PHYLLIS
Before I go, I have something to say.
ALMA
She has something to say.
PHYLLIS
You were my best and only friend, Alma.
ALMA
I still am.
PHYLLIS
You get me into situations I never want to be in, in the first place. You try to talk me into all kinds of stuff and you won’t ever just let me be myself. Why is that?
ALMA
Because you have a life that you’re only half living.
PHYLLIS
But it’s mine.
OTTO
You better get going.
PHYLLIS
And by the way, when you dropped the steak, I shouted, “I don’t know this woman” as loud as I possibly could on purpose.
ALMA
You’re telling me you wanted to get caught.
PHYLLIS
I’m already satisfied with what I have, Alma.
ALMA
You’re satisfied with nothing?
PHYLLIS
Not nothing, a little something. And I would also like to say, I would just like to say, to whatever entity is out there listening, I truly apologize for what I did.
ALMA
There’s no entity.
OTTO
I’m listening. Apology accepted. Go.
She goes.
PHYLLIS
Sorry!
ALMA
I shouldn’t have drawn her into this; she hasn’t got the moral character for shoplifting.
OTTO
Listen, you’re going to end up in jail, you keep doing this. I don’t want that.
ALMA
I know you don’t. I’ve known for a long time.
OTTO
Is that right?
ALMA
Where do you think I got that breezy confidence to waltz in and out of here? You think I didn’t notice you watching me? At first, I thought, “Hey, for whatever reason, I don’t care, if this guy is going to stand idly by and let me abscond with this merchandise, then so be it.” Then I started to wonder. What kind of security guard lets a person get away with stealing? That must be quite a story that crosses such vast ethical boundaries.
OTTO
You really think I was standing idly by?
ALMA
No?
OTTO
They’ve changed all the camera positions and they’ve added new ones.
ALMA
Is that so?
OTTO
These days, even the surveillance is under surveillance. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to steer you away from these new angles, to hide you from view?
ALMA
Oh?
OTTO
Call it customer appreciation.
ALMA
What are you trying to do, take away my one little victory in life?
OTTO
You could empty every single shelf in here and they would still win.
ALMA
Won’t stop me.
OTTO
We could do this together. I know these places inside and out.
ALMA
Your job is watching over the merchandise.
OTTO
I told you. I’m finished here.
ALMA
You’re not finished.
OTTO
Even if I wasn’t, I live in a world that doesn’t exist anymore, if it ever did.
ALMA
Don’t say that.
OTTO
So what about us?
Beat. DOM rushes in.
DOM
Ambulance is on its way.
OTTO
Good boy.
DOM
Where did she go? Where’s Phyllis?
ALMA
You think she was going to
stick around? There’s a lot you need to learn about shoplifters. They don’t stick around.
DOM
No?
ALMA
Not if they can help it. You want to be a security guard? Let me give you some free advice. If a person steals something, try to show just a little appreciation. If it wasn’t for shoplifters, you wouldn’t have a job.
DOM
And let me give you some advice. Thou. Shalt. Not. Steal.
She gets up.
ALMA
People take things, kid. You can stop one; you can stop two; but you can’t stop people.
DOM
We stopped you.
ALMA
Me, you apprehended. There’s only one thing that – stops me. And these here are mine.
DOM
No they’re not.
OTTO
Go find out what’s taking the medics so long.
DOM turns to go.
OTTO
And wait. Here.
DOM stops. OTTO digs into his wallet.
OTTO
She gave me this earlier. Here.
He stuffs some bills into DOM’s hand.
DOM
What? What’s this?
ALMA
What’s that?
OTTO
For the steaks, take it.
DOM
What?
OTTO
She meant to pay, she just forgot.
DOM
She can’t do this. You can’t do this.
ALMA
I didn’t forget. He’s lying.
DOM
She can’t pay for it now.
He collars DOM roughly, shoving the money into his chest.
OTTO
Here!
ALMA
Forget it.
She gets up.
DOM
This isn’t right.
OTTO
You think you know what’s right?
DOM
Instead of stealing something, now she pays for it?
OTTO
It’s called a purchase.
DOM
What am I supposed to do with this?
ALMA
Give it back to him. I don’t pay for things.
OTTO
Give it to the manager and tell him that it’s for the two sixteen-ounce rib-eyes. Tell him there’s been a misunderstanding.
ALMA
I’m not paying for any steaks.
DOM
You can’t do this.
OTTO
You’d be surprised what you can do when nobody’s looking.
ALMA grabs the money.
ALMA
Give me that.
She turns on OTTO.
ALMA
Take your money.
She thrusts the money at him and turns to grab the steaks off the table. They watch her in disbelief.
This here is my stolen property!
She falters again, leaning against the table. Closing her eyes, she sighs heavily, cradling the steaks.
OTTO
Go find out what’s taking the ambulance so goddamn long.
DOM
Should I call security?
He hurries off. OTTO sits beside ALMA. She clutches the steaks in her arms, and he tries to gently pry them loose.
OTTO
Why won’t you let me pay for those? Alma.
They struggle, both with tears in their eyes.
OTTO
Let go.
ALMA
Ask me to let go of my life.
OTTO
Your life is worth more than two fucking steaks.
ALMA
Is it?
OTTO
Not even steaks; it’s just a bar code to them.
ALMA
Otto –
OTTO
Why won’t you let me just pay for these?
ALMA
Because. You. Are. A. Security. Guard. And I’m a shoplifter.
OTTO
And that’s it?
ALMA
I didn’t make up the game. I’m just playing it.
OTTO
What game?
ALMA
Some chase – some run.
They look at each other, sorrowfully. She touches his face. Blackout.
Scene Five
Days later. DOM paces. OTTO is at the table opening a fresh package of Oreos. He carefully removes a single cookie and takes a bite.
DOM
What are we saying?
OTTO
Who?
DOM
Us.
OTTO looks out the door and then closes it.
OTTO
We’re saying she collapsed.
DOM
What about the stun gun?
OTTO
There was no stun gun. She was terrified, under stress, collapsed. As far as management knows, it’s a misunderstanding about some rib-eyes.
DOM
But it’s not. They should’ve been punished – they should’ve –
OTTO
Sometimes in life, Dom, there are no consequences. After all, isn’t that what hell is for?
OTTO finishes the Oreo and returns to the table to carefully close and reseal the package.
DOM
And what about the friend, Phyllis?
OTTO
She knows not to come around for a while.
DOM
I don’t think she really believes in God. I think she just said that.
OTTO
If everybody believed, they wouldn’t need us.
OTTO puts the resealed package of Oreos back in a carton of unopened packages.
DOM
At least we stopped them.
OTTO
Actually, when the medics came, she hid the rib-eyes in the stretcher. She got out of here with what she came for, and then some.
DOM
No!
OTTO
Breathe.
DOM
Then we failed. We didn’t do our job.
OTTO
We did what we had to do.
DOM
You act like you don’t even care.
OTTO
I’m playing the long game.
DOM
The what?
OTTO
The long game. You step back a little. You take stock.
DOM
And then, and then – you pounce.
OTTO
Pounce is not a – just – we’ll go out sometime, we’ll –
DOM
Yeah.
OTTO
– talk about it.
DOM
So tomorrow isn’t your last day? I don’t get it.
OTTO
She talked to him, she talked to the manager.
DOM
Who did?
OTTO
Alma, as a condition of her not pressing any charges.
DOM
Charges?
OTTO
Well, you apprehended her by mistake, according to the report.
DOM
Whose report?
OTTO
This one.
DOM
But it was no mistake.
OTTO
It’s a grey area.
DOM
It’s not grey.
OTTO
Grey is everything that isn’t black or white; it’s a large area. As a condition of her not pressing charges, she insisted that they need to keep me on. What can I do?
DOM
Why would she do that? I don’t get it.
OTTO
I suppose she has her reasons.
DOM
But I thought you didn’t want to be a security guard. What happened to that?
OTTO
Well, some chase, some run, Dom. And I’m not running.
DOM
Besides, you said . . . you said –
OTTO
What did I
say?
DOM
You said we could never stop them. You said we could never stop the shoplifters.
OTTO
Don’t quote me back things I said. Let me tell you what I didn’t say. No matter what people take in this life, Dom, there will always come a time when they have to give it all back.
DOM
So what about me? What happens to my position?
OTTO
I stood up for you. I explained that you were young and that one of your eyes tends to wander, but that you’re well intentioned, if a little eager.
DOM
But I caught them. I –
OTTO
Exactly, so I recommended that they keep you on – patrol the parking lot.
DOM
It’s just cars out there.
OTTO
More than cars. It’s order, Dom, or it’s chaos.
DOM
Yeah, and you know, I’m thinking there are people who park here who don’t even shop here.
OTTO
That’s just the kind of enthusiasm they’re looking for.
DOM
Can we still use the walkie-talkies?
OTTO
Sure, but in an emergency only. We don’t want to overdo the communication thing.
DOM thinks.
DOM
I’ll still get 15 percent off, right?
OTTO
It isn’t just about the employee discount, you know.
DOM
I know. But I still get the discount.
OTTO
Let’s get back out there. We have a store to watch over.
DOM puts on his hat, stops at the door.
DOM
Tonight?
OTTO
Tonight?
DOM
We can – go out together?
OTTO
Sure. Or some other night.
DOM
Sure, that would be –
OTTO
Don’t just stand there. Get to work.
DOM exits. OTTO puts on his hat.
OTTO
We’ve got a job to do.
He breathes in. He breathes out. He goes. Blackout.
Playwright, actor, and director Morris Panych has been described as “a man for all seasons in Canadian theatre.” The Shoplifters adds to the more than two dozen plays he has written, many of which have been translated and produced throughout the world. His plays have twice won the Governor General’s Award for Drama and he has won the Jessie Richardson Theatre Award fourteen times for acting and directing. Panych has directed more than ninety theatre productions and been nominated six times for Toronto’s Dora Mavor Moore Award and three times for the Chalmers Award for his more than fifty acting roles in theatre, television, and film.
Also by Morris Panych
Benevolence
The Dishwashers
Earshot
The Ends of the Earth
Girl in the Goldfish Bowl
Gordon
In Absentia
Lawrence & Holloman
Other Schools of Thought
7 Stories
Still Laughing: Three Adaptations
The Trespassers
Vigil
What Lies Before Us
All published by Talonbooks
The Shoplifters Page 6