He heard a breath of air ease out of her, and could sense her nod in the dark. But then again, he had exceptional vision, even in the dark. “That will all be very well. I am happy to put on the pretense of being your wife.” She seemed to linger on the word pretense, as though confirming that she had no expectations of him either.
He breathed a sigh of relief he hadn’t realized he was holding. Perhaps this was going to work out after all. “I expect you to call me Eli; I will call you Lilly. I will provide you with whatever you need to have to be comfortable, and I do not want you to hesitate to ask me for things.”
“I will need new clothes,” Lilly said quickly. “I didn’t bring much with me.”
He nodded. “Very well. I will have a dressmaker brought in and you will be able to choose your fabrics and cuts.”
The ride eased into silence, and neither Lilly nor Eli did anything to fill it. When they arrived at his property, they bypassed the large lit home where Lilly could hear music and laughter spilling out from inside, and headed toward the back of the property. Eli pulled the horse up to a stop outside of his door, hitching him quickly and offering Lilly his hand.
She dismounted from the buggy and Eli led her to the door, lighting the lamp in the entryway and spilling warm light through the room. Lilly stepped in behind him, and in the new light he got his first good view of her.
She was dressed in a simple calico dress, dark hair peeking out from under her bonnet and framing her pale face.
Her eyes were fringed in dark lashes, and even though they seemed almost black in this light, he knew they were a blue. Her mouth was full and he fought the sudden urge to find out if it was as soft as it looked. He tore his eyes away from her, knowing he was staring, and that if she hadn’t yet noticed, she would shortly. His attraction to her was almost overwhelming. It had been bad enough in the dark, where her scent had been driving him to distraction. The visual confirmation of his desire was almost too much for him to navigate.
“This is the house,” he said gruffly, trying not to notice the growing discomfort in his loins. “It’s only ever been just me, as you can see.” He gestured to the space in front of them.
She could easily tell the space was occupied by a man who had little regard or need for it. There was little furniture and even less decorating to speak of, but even so, it seemed comfortable and clean, the windows in the main space shuttered from any outside eyes.
“I’ll show you to the room,” he said after a moment.
He said it in a way that suggested there was only one, and Lilly was immediately reminded of how closely they were to be together. How unlike the life she had anticipated she would lead when she was young. Moving into the house and bed of a man she hardly knew, and knowing it was the best option of the ones she had before her. She felt her mouth settle into a grim line. It was one she was familiar with.
He led the way, although the house was small enough she could have managed to find it on her own. Like the other room the bedroom was functional and little more. There was one bed — not overly large, sporting an unremarkable quilt and some pillows — a single chair and a small bureau. This was where she would sleep. And this was the man she would sleep beside. It didn’t seem possible that they would both be able to fit in that bed.
“I hope this will do,” Eli said, and Lilly turned toward him, struck by how large he looked in the bedroom, how small she was next to him. It was something she would have noted in fear when she’d been home in Canada. But here in this room with him, it inspired a spark of something else- something she couldn’t name. Their eyes met, and an expanded moment of silence hovered between them. She was wondering again about why it was that a man with such kind eyes and such a handsome face, his jaw square and hard and dotted with fresh stubble she knew would be rough and scratchy on her skin, would be resigned to ordering a woman of his own. Her eyes narrowed. As far as she was concerned, the only acceptable answer was that he had something to hide, something someone else would turn away from if they knew the truth.
He was thinking something along the same lines. Intrigued by what sort of position she must have been placed in to seek a marriage placement. It was obvious that men would want her. Leap at the chance to offer her their bed and name. He was struck by how endless those dark pools of blue seemed, how eager to please and soft spoken she was, the gentle shape of her body so carefully hidden beneath the yards of fabric. It didn’t make sense that she would find herself widowed with no suitable suitors waiting in line for her.
In that heavy moment when nothing was said between them, they each thought of their own secrets, and wondered about those of the other, and then Eli cleared his throat and spoke again. “I’m sure you’re interested in the facilities. Let me show you where you can find them.”
With a collective goal in mind, the heaviness permeating the room seemed to lift, and Lilly did as he bid, following along a step behind him.
Chapter Three
Eli needed a minute. A good long minute. It hadn’t occurred to him that he was signing up for a woman he would actually want to possess. Actually, he’d been fairly certain there wasn’t a woman who could evoke such a response in him.
And then she had shown up, all soft curves and smooth, silky skin, and the only thing he could think about was divesting her of that dress and exploring her body. It was so far down the list of conceivable outcomes that he hadn’t even considered it as an option. Now it seemed to be the only thing he could think about.
He prowled through the small office at the opposite end of the house, his body tightly coiled. On edge. Truthfully, it was where he spent the bulk of his time. He didn’t like to be reminded that he spent very little time in his own bed, that that part of his life was over and behind him. Instead, he burned the midnight oil, and when he couldn’t keep himself in check anymore, he escaped to the outside and let himself melt into the night — and into the other part of himself he spent his days controlling.
But Lilly was doing something to his tenuous hold on his very humanity. He hadn’t expected it to happen, but having her near him was sending his inner beast into turmoil. Her very scent. The column of her throat. The angle of her jaw. It was all pushing him one step closer to losing it. He treaded the line already; he didn’t need the constant impulse to change in his life as well.
Eli realized he was pacing the small room, thinking about what Lilly might be doing as she prepped for bed, wondering what her nighttime rituals were like. It wasn’t his place to think about it, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself.
He had to get out of the house. For the briefest moment he considered a trip to the brothel, maybe a distraction from the beautiful woman just a few rooms over, but, in the end, the call of the mountains was too strong. He wanted to feel the dirt beneath his feet, the cool air against his face, that impossible contentment that seemed to come only when he was in his truest form.
He moved through the house, hardly making a sound, and was out the door and melting into the darkness. Moving faster until he was running, his feet having no trouble in the dark, his eyes seeing more than any human should.
The further from the house he got, the freer he felt, and when his house was just a haze of distant light, he stopped suppressing the beast he kept at bay most of his life, and with a snap and a roar, he felt his body begin to change, the man he’d been just moments before a distant memory — the large, dark bear he was now the one driving his needs and wants. And, most importantly, easing his mind and soul.
Lilly sat on the edge of the bed, wondering if she was supposed to wait until Eli returned before settling in for sleep. The thought wasn’t entirely displeasing. She remembered the size of his frame, how broad his shoulders were, and wondered what his skin would feel like beneath her hands, what shape his body would take as he lie down beside her in that ridiculously too-small-for-two bed.
She let her mind wander for a few more moments before she reined it in and told herself there was no use in waiting
for him to return. Besides, as much as she seemed suddenly interested in physicality with him, he’d made it perfectly clear he had no interest or need for her. Waiting for him to return just so they could lie awkwardly in the dark next to one another while they waited for sleep, didn’t seem too appealing.
It was hard enough when they were awake and fully dressed in the same room together. She didn’t want to think about what it might be like when their bodies were close enough to touch. There was something so hypnotically compelling about him; it seemed to overrule any of her common sense.
She’d never wanted a man before. Not really. She’d been young when she’d married, and well sheltered. She hadn’t known what the marriage bed would be like. She hadn’t even known what would be expected of her. James let her know soon enough, though. Her time with him had done little to spark any interest she had in a man, his body, or what he could do to hers.
But now, for the first time, she was wondering what it would be like to have a man she actually wanted to touch her, to revel in the feel of fingertips on her skin, instead of dreading it.
She had to stop wondering about it though, because the one thought spiraled into the next, and then she was thinking about Eli without clothes on, of fulfilling all the wifely duties and not just the ones he had listed he expected.
She extinguished the bedside light and let the dark engulf her, wishing her inner flame could be so easily controlled
It was definitely best if she was asleep when he returned for the night. There was no good that would come of waiting for him to crawl into the bed beside her.
She had expected him to be beside her in the morning, to have woken at his arrival in the night. The years had trained her to be a light sleeper, and there was little that wouldn’t wake her, heart thudding in her chest, adrenaline already peaking.
But this night she slept soundly, dreamlessly, like she had finally come home after too long away.
The bedding beside her wasn’t even disturbed, and she knew she had spent the night alone.
Instead of the thrill of happiness at sleeping alone — something she had become accustomed to feeling — she felt the smallest stab of disappointment, and wondered where her new husband had whiled away the night.
Perhaps, she considered, he was respecting her and waiting until they had finalized their marriage with a preacher. Not that it would bring much validity to their marriage, since she was technically already married, but Lilly certainly didn’t let herself linger on that for too long. And, as far as she was concerned, Eli would never know that was the case.
Or maybe it was a fluke. Or maybe there was another woman. Or maybe the “other” wasn’t a woman at all, and that was why he needed one in his bed. Appearances, he had said, were the most important part of the arrangement. She gnawed on her lower lip. Thinking of all the hows and whys and maybes wasn’t a good investment of her time, and she resolved that she would leave it be.
She took a deep breath and launched herself out of bed. It hardly mattered what the parameters were. She would just have to make the best of it, and ignore the urges that were growing inside of her. The urges she knew nothing about navigating.
They settled into a tenuous routine. Lilly’s new dresses had been ordered and made, and the last vestiges of her life from before tossed away. She’d taken great satisfaction in disposing of them. With her new look, she set out to create her new life. She made sure to spend time outside. On the porch. In the garden. Slipping her arm through Eli’s, thrilling at the contact, and letting him lead her through the town and by the front of the brothel he owned and regularly referred to as a saloon, as though Lilly would be unable to put all the pieces together. They were pleasant to one another, but instead of feeling like they were growing closer, Lilly had the distinct impression that the more time they spent together, the more distant Eli became.
She worried on her lower lip. That budding desire she’d felt for him in the beginning hadn’t dissipated. As he became more disinterested in her, she was becoming more aware of an ache for him. But there was no mistaking it; he found great relief in leaving her, and spent as little time as possible with her. When he had to be with her, he left at the earliest juncture.
She’d spent a lifetime disappointing others, and she wasn’t sure why she felt this failure so much more acutely than she had the others. It didn’t seem to matter what she did for him or how she acted. She tried to be sweet, the way James had liked her to be. She tried to be welcoming. She did everything she’d been told men liked, and yet, each encounter was even more remote than the last.
And, just when she was starting to think she should stop even trying, that nothing she did would change the way he felt toward her, or make him look at her differently, she would turn and find him watching her, or see something unexpected and hungry in his eyes in an unguarded moment.
Each time she was left breathless, almost burned by the heat that would swell up inside her.
And each time, he would disappear, as though aware that he’d been caught, and desperate to put whatever space he could find between them, leaving her once more by herself, alone with her shortcomings.
Chapter Four
Lilly woke with a start.
At first, she wasn’t sure what had woken her. But then she heard it again. A rustle and a distant bang from outside.
She sat up in bed. She wasn’t sure where Eli spent his nights, but she had grown used to waking up alone, and tonight was no different.
“Eli,” she whispered aloud, even though she knew if he was in the house, he wouldn’t have been able to hear her.
She flipped back the corner of the covers, and slipped out of bed, her bare feet padding on the wood floor, still new and unworn.
She called his name again when she was in the room off the entrance, listening for any indication he was in the house with her.
By now, she knew he had a habit of whiling away hours in the office, and she made her way in the dark toward it. It was unclear when he slept, but it wasn’t when she did.
Lilly gave the door a little push, but it opened to nothing but darkness and emptiness.
She was alone in the house, and something was still making noise outside. She could hear the scrambling, something tipping over.
She was weighing whether she should wait out whatever was out there, when it occurred to her that maybe it was Eli out there, and maybe he wasn’t alone. Maybe he even needed help, or was being loud on purpose.
Lilly pushed open the front door, not bothering with shoes, and grabbing the lit lantern from where it hung. She made her way around to the back, moving as quickly and quietly as she could.
She slowed as she reached the corner, where her bedroom was, and peeked around the corner.
But there was nothing to see. “Eli?” she whispered again, hoping she wasn’t going to run into someone else in her state of undress. A little tremor slid through her, and she realized the night was cool, the air slipping up the bottom of her nightgown to leave a trail of goosebumps along her legs.
She wrapped her arms tightly around herself, and said his name again.
Just when she was thinking she must have made a mistake, that maybe there had never been a sound at all, she saw something on the edge of the property move. Something large and black.
And it was moving toward her.
Lilly brandished the lantern like it was a weapon, knowing that many animals would move away from the flame. But this one did not. The hulking grizzly bear moving steadily toward her.
Lilly stepped back until her body was pressed up against the outside of the house, willing to go unnoticed and for the bear to change its path. But it was close enough to see its eyes were trained on her body, their darkness glittering in the night. She had clearly been noticed, and the bear was most definitely not interested in changing its path.
She tried to control the beating of her heart while she considered what sort of options she had, and whether or not she could get to the door quic
kly enough. She cursed herself for coming outside without the shotgun that hung on the wall off the kitchen. She cursed Eli for not having a back door. She was ready to curse whatever came to mind, if she were being truthful.
The bear had finally come to a stop a few feet from her, well in the meager circle of light the lantern provided. She could see the varying shades of brown in his fur, could see the way his nostrils quivered in the air as he took in her scent.
His mouth opened, exposing his teeth and tongue, more like a smile than the baring, snarling thing she had expected. Lilly knew she shouldn’t look at him, but couldn’t tear her eyes away. His glinting eyes seemed to have caught her in their spell, fixing her to her place beside the house.
Several long moments passed before the bear gave his head a violent shake and exhaled a loud sound of unmistakable displeasure, before turning his back on her and lumbering quickly into the darkness.
Lilly stayed rooted to her spot, waiting for her heartbeat to return to normal, for her breathing to come more easily, before hurrying back toward the house, her legs unsteady, her whole body trembling with the cold sweeping through her.
Safely inside, she pushed the door closed firmly behind her, taking great pleasure in sliding the locks into place and thinking bitterly that it would serve Eli right if he were to come home and expect to be able to walk right in. Perhaps next time he could be the one to deal with bears, unprotected and unprepared.
She moved quickly to the room she had begun to think of as hers and leapt under the covers, pulling them up tightly to her throat, waiting for the chills to stop moving so violently through her body, and for the warmth to creep back into her bones.
Chapter Five
Lilly woke in the morning, feeling far from refreshed.
Bears of Burden: HUTCH Page 32