by C. J. Anaya
By the gods, sometimes I hated that woman. I knew I shouldn’t judge her for not standing up for herself. I had only just begun my own kind of rebellion against the man I called father, but for once I would have loved a kind word or some show of motherly concern, especially since I’d almost been killed the previous night.
The servants quickly cleared her side of the table and added a clean, porcelain plate and eating sticks.
I glanced toward Saigo, wondering if he had noticed the extra place being set.
“Father, is someone joining us for this meal?” he asked.
“Indeed I am, young Saigo,” said a strong voice.
I didn’t have to look up to know that Katsu had just entered the room. I kept my eyes lowered to the food on my plate and nearly squirmed self-consciously as he sat himself down to my left. I could feel his eyes on me, and wished I could be anywhere else but in his presence.
He had protected me from my father and saved my life the previous night, and perhaps we might have shared a small yet brief connection, but once we were no longer alone he had proven himself to be just like any other male I’d ever met.
I was only as important as my gifts made me to be. Only as important as the title of The Healer allowed me to be. I could have been any woman at all and it wouldn’t have mattered to Katsu so long as I was capable of healing the veil.
I knew it was only logical for him to think and feel this way, but I wanted him to care just a little more about me and a little less about my abilities.
“Katsu,” my father said with barely suppressed rage.
He no doubt remembered the threat Katsu had made against him while defending me. I might have enjoyed my father’s anger if I hadn’t felt so out of sorts.
“Fukurokuju,” the warrior god responded.
I thought I heard Saigo gasp under his breath a little. It was considered disrespectful to address my father as anything less than emperor, and calling him by his first name in such an informal manner showed a lack of concern for my father’s station and title. I realized, however, that Katsu knew my father long before he was ever made emperor.
My father bristled and then fisted his hands on either side of his plate, attempting to keep his anger in check. He never controlled his anger in my presence, but now he somehow managed to pull himself together enough to speak.
“Mikomi, Katsu will begin your training today. Though your gifts are quite powerful, they have only ever been used a few times to heal injuries needing your special skills.”
I nearly choked at the bold-faced lie.
“It will be important then that Katsu train you to control your powers and focus them on strengthening the line between our world and the dead. It will be tedious work, but I am sure you will be up to the challenge. You’ve never disappointed me before.”
The show he was putting on would have been laughable if I hadn’t felt so anxious. This was really happening. I had known all of my life that one day I would have to train for this, but keeping myself in denial, convincing myself that this was all superstitious nonsense had been the only way I could cope with the pressure placed upon my shoulders, and now that the moment had arrived, I wanted to continue considering the prophecy a mere fairy tale.
I needed to do everything I could to help the samurai rebels against the emperor. I longed for much more than the life Katsu and my father planned for me.
“We will begin this afternoon,” Katsu said, directing the comment toward my father. “I trust that will not interfere with any of your current interrogation plans?”
I felt my eyes go wide at his mocking comment. I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing outright. He knew my father had been abusing my powers, and held no qualms in airing out the offense. It was so refreshing to see my father squirm for once, even if I could only watch from lowered lids.
My father stood up abruptly, muttering something about not being hungry anymore, and left with his attendants following him.
I kept my eyes on my plate and remained silent. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do, but based on Katsu’s behavior last night I thought it better to remain perfectly prim and proper since my brother and several servants were present.
“What in the world was that all about?” Saigo said, breaking the uneasy silence. “I haven’t seen Father that upset since…well let’s be honest…since yesterday, really.”
I let out an involuntary giggle and threw my hand over my mouth to stifle it. I raised my eyes to Saigo’s, who wiggled his eyebrows wickedly. My giggles continued, but I couldn’t stop them this time, especially since Saigo had joined me. I heard someone else chuckling as well and turned surprised eyes on my betrothed. He wore only a half grin on his full lips, but it reached his dark eyes, making me think that perhaps he wasn’t quite so stoic in public as I feared he would be.
“I believe I may have said something a trifle upsetting,” Katsu said. “Wouldn’t you agree, Mikomi?”
“You mean about Father using my sister’s powers to torture, scar, and kill for information?” This time Saigo was not laughing, and my laughter died rather quickly.
I reached across the table for my brother’s hand.
“It’s all right, Saigo. I think now that Katsu is here, there will be no more interrogations for me.”
“Absolutely not,” Katsu agreed firmly. “I wish I’d been apprised of your circumstances long ago. If I hadn’t stayed away, I could have done something about it.”
I said nothing. I saw no reason to blame him for the actions of my father, but I did wish that someone, perhaps even myself, had stood up to him long before now.
“Why did it take you so long to meet my sister?” Saigo asked.
“Saigo, that really is none of our business,” I interjected.
“Your father made it clear that her powers had not developed fully, but in truth I stayed away for personal reasons,” Katsu answered, surprising both Saigo and myself. “Sometimes there are decisions made in this life that can never be undone, and you spend centuries trying to cope with the consequences.”
I could sense his pain, though I tried not to. For whatever reason, Katsu had let his guard down and despair rolled off of him in waves. It was nearly all-consuming, and I couldn’t help but reach my hand toward his in an effort to comfort him. The minute I touched him, he blinked once and seemed to come back to the present. He moved his hand from mine and began eating his meal.
Disheartened, I leaned back and kept my eyes on my plate, not feeling the least bit hungry anymore. I couldn’t understand how Katsu could be so kind and caring with me one moment and then abrupt and dismissive the next. It was disconcerting to say the least, but in the end I guessed it shouldn’t have mattered. I had no intention of healing an imaginary veil, and I wasn’t about to marry a man out of duty or honor or even for convenience’s sake.
Akane had given me another avenue of escape, a different path to follow, and I intended to follow it wherever it might take me.
Saigo dropped his eating sticks with a loud clatter. “Well, I must bid you both a happy goodbye. If I arrive late for my studies again, Kenji will no doubt use that ridiculous cane on me.”
I gave my brother a soft smile and watched him as he made his exit. I envied him, really. What I wouldn’t give to make my own exit and choose when it happened.
“Are you not hungry?” Katsu asked.
“I’m afraid the events of last evening have affected my appetite. Perhaps you would excuse me?” I prepared myself to leave, believing he would no doubt be happy dining in solitude, but before I could make my escape, his firm, warm hand gently descended upon mine. I was frustrated that he had stopped me and somewhat elated that he had initiated contact this time. My jarring emotions couldn’t seem to make up their minds.
“I would wish for you to stay. Perhaps we can begin to know one another more thoroughly before our training session this afternoon.”
His voice was commanding, but his eyes were kind. I allowed my body to relax
a bit and nodded my assent. Feeling anxious and somewhat rebellious, I determined to ask him something supremely unimportant.
“What might your favorite color be?”
Katsu gave me a strange look. “Green.”
I waited.
He smiled.
I continued to wait.
Finally he laughed and said, “What might your favorite color be?”
“Blue. You see, we’re getting to know each other already.”
Katsu chuckled again, and though I hated to admit it, I enjoyed putting a smile on his face. Anything to wipe away the grief I had sensed just moments earlier.
“If you could have any wish fulfilled, what would it be and why?” he asked.
I felt my small smile slip away. I could never tell him what I truly wished. I could never discuss how desperately I wished to be loved for the right reasons, to have a future guided by my own choices and my own mistakes, to have children of my own instead of becoming a full kami, never able to bear children if I was going to heal the veil. No. I couldn’t tell Katsu any of these things.
And so I lied.
“I wish to serve my people and perform my duties as needed.”
“Agreed. That would be my wish as well. I believe we are getting to know one another fairly well and finding we have so very much in common.”
His hand continued to rest atop mine, and he squeezed it gently.
“Yes,” I said with as much forced cheerfulness as I could muster. “I believe we are.”
* * *
The guards escorting me back to my rooms after breakfast were the same guards that had been at my door the night before. I realized with an excited jolt that I was surrounded by members of the samurai insurgents—a thrilling realization to come to. Just before I opened the door to my rooms I felt a hand slide into mine and then it was gone, leaving a small piece of parchment in its stead. I did my very best to avoid reacting to the quick contact. I closed the door behind me and then jumped for my bed, unfolding the note and reading it as quickly as possible.
Meet me just before dusk at the Yanbaru ruins.
Burn this letter immediately.
The Yanbaru ruins were in the opposite direction of the village and the small forest separating it from the palace. At one time it had been a place of learning and growth for enlightened humans and kami. It had been destroyed many years ago by the emperor in response to the uprising of the rebels.
The only parts of Yanbaru my father hadn’t destroyed were the holy relics, statues of our First Parents, and a Shinto temple dedicated to the god of love and marriage. The monks that dwelled within had been able to use their own magical powers to protect the temple and shrine. Not even my father dared to destroy another kami’s place of worship. Not unless he wished to declare war against his own kami brothers.
I had not spent much time in that particular area. I wasn’t interested in looking at the destruction my father had wreaked upon a place that had once held so much potential for helping those that dwelled within the Kagami Empire. I tended to avoid the shrine and temple due to the god that it served.
According to history and tradition, Musubi-no-kami was the god who was given dominion over the hearts and unions of the inhabitants of this earth. Humans in this empire could travel to the shrine and find The Holy Cherry Tree, a relic of magical properties used by the god of love and marriage, to bind soul mates together forever. One only needed travel to The Holy Cherry Tree, declare their choice of bride and ask for Musubi’s blessing in the form of a single white cherry blossom. If this particular kami found the match acceptable, the blossom would fall from the branches of the tree and be used in the wedding ceremony, binding the participants to one another for eternity.
One might think it a romantic notion, but I knew better. The brides in question never had a choice, and though it was rumored that there were many occasions where the god denied his blessings upon certain unions, I had a difficult time believing it. Musubi-no-kami may have been a god, but he was also male and probably cared very little for the wants and needs of the women involved. Their fate could be sealed with one single blossom, just as mine could.
I’d never before met this particular kami, and if I were being honest with myself, I had very little desire to. Part of his duty and honor involved giving my union to Katsu his blessing by performing the marriage ceremony himself. I disliked the idea of yet another kami gaining power over my decisions and forcing me into a marriage I wasn’t ready to accept. As a result, I never ventured toward the ruins, the Shinto temple or The Holy Cherry Tree.
Though I held some reservations about the area in which Akane and I would meet, I felt my whole body tingle in anticipation of tonight’s meeting. It was a step in the right direction. I walked over to my nightstand and opened a drawer decorated in finely carved floral patterns. I pulled out two fire stones and sat the piece of parchment on the stand. After striking the stones together and igniting the small bit of parchment, I watched as the ends blackened and curled in upon themselves, burning away any trace or sign of this new beginning.
I was in control now, and it felt just as liberating as I’d hoped. I needed to get a message to Kenji. My guards were not allowed to let me leave my rooms unless summoned—new security measures due to the attack last night—but I had a feeling these particular guards would allow me to visit my brother’s tutoring session for a word with Kenji.
I opened my door softly.
“If I am to keep my commitments for this evening it will be necessary for me to visit my brother and his tutor first,” I whispered. I hoped my wording was obscure enough to avoid raising any alarms if the area held a spy or two but pointed enough for them to understand my meaning. One guard nodded and pulled the door wide. I stepped forward and began walking meekly down the hall with a guard on either side. I found it wholly ironic that for the first time in my whole life I felt more secure with two rebels surrounding me than I ever did with the palace guards.
After several twists and turns throughout the great expanse of the palace, we soon reached the door to my brother’s quarters, and the guard knocked lightly.
“Her highness wishes to visit her brother,” one of the guards said only loud enough for my brother and Kenji to hear through the door. It opened up quickly, and I stepped in just as fast. I noticed that Kenji stood behind the door with a surprised look on his face. I waited until the door closed behind me, certain we were not being listened to.
“Why on earth are you being accompanied by your guards, Mikomi?”
“Apparently, Katsu insisted my security was lacking, and now I have guards following me everywhere. Fortunately for us they are on our side.”
Saigo clapped happily.
“This is all so exciting. Nothing like a bit of intrigue to liven up any tutoring session—eh, Kenji?”
Kenji sat down at the table with a sigh. “I’ll probably be dead long before you learn anything of real value.”
I might have joined in the banter, but I wasn’t there for my own amusement, and I needed to enlist Kenji’s help before my tutoring session with Katsu.
“Kenji, I have received a message from Akane. She wishes to meet me at the Yanbaru ruins this evening.”
“And so it begins,” Saigo intoned dramatically.
“Can you discuss my need to further study the veil with father as soon as possible?”
“It isn’t much notice, but your father rarely turns down an audience with me. I will send the request immediately, and with any luck he’ll be too distracted to see through this fabrication.”
“Thank you, Kenji.”
Kenji left the room, and I sat down at the table next to Saigo. I placed my shaking hands in my lap and decided to help my brother with his studies.
“You’d better continue your reading. Kenji will come back and be very disappointed if you’ve fallen too far behind.”
“You’re just afraid Kenji will blame you for distracting me.” We both laughed softly, and then our mo
ods grew serious.
“You will be careful out there, won’t you?”
“I will be on high alert, and if anything happens to me I can always heal quickly.”
“I hope that wasn’t you trying to comfort me? Because you’re quite terrible at it.”
I gave him what I hoped was a reassuring smile. “I’ll be careful. Now, let’s focus on something else…like this tutoring session.”
I needed to take my mind off my meeting with Akane or I would be driven completely mad with anticipation.
Now, if I could just survive my training session with Katsu.
I’m not sure why I took such care with the state of my dress and appearance. I was merely going along with this farce until I could break away and become my own person, but keeping up appearances seemed important now more than ever. It had nothing to do with the fact that Katsu was quite a handsome individual…for a kami. I smoothed down my black tresses and ran a hand down the length of my silk green kimono. I may have changed into clothing the color of what Katsu had claimed was his favorite.
I entered the gardens with my guards accompanying me and continued ahead without them as they stood watch over the area. The gardens looked especially beautiful in the sunlight, though the sky looked slightly overcast. It was hard to believe that something as ugly as nekomata had ever placed one foot upon these lovely grounds.
I spotted Katsu sitting on the blinding white bench next to the pond. The moment his eyes met mine they seemed to warm ever so subtly. I almost smiled at the idea that he might have been happy to see me, but then his face changed and there was his stoic mask again.
I wasn’t sure where the Katsu that had come to my rescue the night before had gone. Where was the Katsu who had defended me against my father? The one who had gently wiped the blood from my face and held me close when we were deep in conversation? He had built an impressive wall around his emotions which prevented me from reading him as easily as others. I couldn’t account for his behavior since I couldn’t read the emotions driving him, and so I was determined to school mine.