by C. J. Anaya
I swallowed any protests I might have made as we walked through the gardens into a large clearing. There, sitting on a small, green cushion sat a young woman. She couldn’t have been any older than myself, but she appeared to be in pain, and her left leg was swollen red and badly deformed, protruding from underneath her floral patterned skirts.
Katsu continued walking forward, but my feet stopped moving, and I pulled on his arm to stop him. I knew I couldn’t heal her, and I was already agonizing over the problem. Didn’t he understand how difficult this was for me? Couldn’t he tell how badly someone else’s suffering affected me? I didn’t want to do this again. The first time had been enough.
“Are you all right, Princess?”
I stared into his questioning face and hoped he could read the pleading in mine. His confusion remained. No understanding light seemed to pierce his oblivious musings. All that mattered to him was my training, and I began to understand that the value he placed on another’s life was far lower than it should have been.
I wanted to bear my heart to him, explain how I felt about my gift, what I expected from myself, how I wanted to help people, but even before I opened my mouth to speak, I knew he wouldn’t agree and would most likely argue. He would say exactly what my mother had said—healing people would prevent me from becoming a full kami. Giving life would eventually take my own.
So I said nothing. I closed my mouth and continued walking forward. I was The Healer, meek, obedient, and submissive.
“Yesterday, when you connected to the old man, were you able to sense the veil?”
“Yes, it felt more substantial this time. Like flat glass or crystal.”
“Very good. That’s exactly right. The more familiar you are with its texture the easier it will be to sense it everywhere you turn.”
We approached the young woman in the chair, and she gave us a sad little smile.
“Hello,” I said to her. “Can you tell me your name?”
“I am called Cho, your highness. Please forgive me. If I could stand and bow, I would.”
I knelt down next to her chair and placed a calming hand on her shoulder.
“There is no need for that, Cho. I can understand the kind of pain you are in.” I could feel it too. The infection in her leg had already spread to her heart. She wouldn’t have long to live. “Tell me how you injured your leg.”
“I cut it on a knife. It was an accident, and I must not have cleaned it properly.”
I sensed she was not telling me the complete truth, but I didn’t want to pry if she wasn’t comfortable answering.
“You understand that I cannot heal you, then—that I am merely practicing?”
A small tear escaped one eye and traveled down her cheek.
“I understand, Princess. But I believe in you and who you are. If I can help The Healer fulfill her destiny, I will perform whatever duty I must.”
I swallowed the lump forming in my throat but found it hard to speak.
“Then let us begin.”
I held her head and connected to her.
Princess, can you hear me?
I tried not to let the shock register on my face. It was the second time in less than three days that someone had communicated with me during a healing.
“Cho?”
“Yes, Princess. Akane wished for me to pass a message along to you.”
I felt confused all over again.
“Cho, how did she know about my training sessions with Katsu? I never told her.”
“You didn’t have to. Her spies are everywhere, and since I was a perfect candidate for your practice sessions, she asked if I would perform this one last duty for her and volunteer myself to pass along a message.”
“You didn’t cut your leg on a knife, did you?”
“It was a sword. I was injured in battle and the infection has become too much for my body to handle, but now that you have joined our side, you will save so many before they end up like me.”
I felt a tear escape and tried to keep my emotions in check.
“I’m so sorry I couldn’t have helped you sooner, Cho.”
“It matters not, Princess. What is important is my message for you. Many of our soldiers were ambushed early this morning at a minor camp stationed far into the Yanbaru forest. Somehow, the emperor discovered its location. Akane needs you to meet her at the ruins again as soon as possible.”
“I can have that arranged, but please tell me what I can do for you. Do you have family that must be notified?”
“I’m an orphan. I don’t belong to anyone, but I am happy to give my life for this cause.”
The pain in her leg was fairly crushing my senses, and it was taking all of the control I possessed to stay connected with her. I began to ease her pain, though she had not asked for it. I couldn’t get rid of the infection. Every time I tried, that ridiculous block would throw me back. The feel of it had become more familiar, but my resentment was growing stronger. I spoke to Cho again.
“Please rest assured that your message has been received and all will be well.”
“Thank you, Princess. I…”
“Cho? Cho?”
Her breathing became more labored, and her heart struggled to pump blood through the valves. I tried instructing her heart to calm its frantic beating. It was overworked and stressed. Everything I attempted continued to be blocked by the veil. The only thing I had been allowed to do was eliminate the pain, but that failed to help her breathe or pump blood through her body. I finally gave up and pulled away from her ki, opening my eyes and wrapping my arms around her.
“Princess,” she breathed out softly.
I looked down into her tired eyes and smiled.
“Mikomi,” I said. “We are friends now, you and I, so you must call me Mikomi.”
She managed a very weak smile, and slowly the breath left her body; her head rested against mine. I pulled her body from her cushion and onto my lap where I could hold her more securely, but she was already gone. She was gone, and I could do nothing to bring her back. I sat there, rocking her in my arms…back and forth…back and forth. I couldn’t seem to let her go, though I hadn’t even known her. There simply wasn’t enough time to know her, and that saddened me more than I could have possibly expressed. Would anyone have been willing to listen either way? Would Katsu?
I didn’t want to think on it anymore, so I emptied my mind and heart of any sad thoughts or devastating emotions and continued to rock Cho back and forth in my arms.
I wasn’t sure how long Katsu attempted to get my attention, but I didn’t register his voice until I felt his hand on my shoulder and Cho’s body slipping from my arms. The guards were carrying her away, and I was powerless to stop them. I continued to sit on the ground, rocking back and forth…back and forth.
“Mikomi, you must snap out of this. You must look at me.”
I finally latched on to what Katsu was saying and noticed he sat next to me.
“I couldn’t save her,” I mumbled.
“Princess, I warned you she was meant to die. You cannot take this so personally. You aren’t meant to heal anyone, you are meant to heal the veil, and she willingly sacrificed her last minutes to help you accomplish that.”
How could he be so heartless? Did he really not feel her pain as I did? Could he not understand that it wasn’t about her death—it was about her life, the life she could have had if I had been there to save it? What was the point of having all this power if, in the end, it helped no one?
“Katsu?” I finally asked.
“Yes?”
“Do you ever wish your life could be different? Do you wish you could go back and make a different decision or chart a different course?”
He took my hand in his and kissed the top of it. I was too emotionally spent to feel surprised by the intimate gesture.
“I wish I could go back, yes. There are several choices I would change, and many loved ones I would treat differently, but as far as my destiny is concerned,
that I wouldn’t change. I know my place, and I know who I am.”
Maybe that was part of my problem. I had no idea where my place was and no identity that resonated with me.
I leaned my head against his shoulder, too tired to care if it was inappropriate or not, but he pulled me in close and embraced me.
“I know this is difficult for you, Mikomi. You feel things deeply, and you wish to help everyone. You can’t bear suffering even in its smallest form. Your compassion does you credit and is one of the things I…I appreciate about you.”
I lifted my head to search his face.
“If you know these things, why do you put me in situations that can have no happy ending?”
“I do it to prepare you. I do it because I must, and it breaks my heart to see you struggle, but this is the process we must go through.”
He brushed a strand of hair behind my ear and held my eyes with his.
“Perhaps that is enough training for one day,” he said.
I gave him a grateful smile, and he called the guards over to accompany me back to my rooms.
As far as he knew, this particular practice was over, but my real training with Musubi had barely begun.
* * *
I rushed into the ruins with Kenji a few yards behind. His hip had been bothering him, but he refused to allow me to heal him. He thought I needed to save my strength for whatever Akane might need me to do.
Stubborn man.
I heard a low whistle to my left and turned to see Akane kneeling on the grassy earth surrounded by several soldiers, all with varying injuries. The stench of blood hung thick in the air, and the combined pain of these soldiers overwhelmed my body and chilled my bones. I joined Akane and grasped her hand firmly.
“Which soldier’s wounds are the most critical?” I asked.
She looked haggard but gave me a relieved look. “Start with this one next to me. He was stabbed in the stomach and has lost quite a bit of blood. I’ll have the next one ready for you.”
I knelt down beside the bloodied, unconscious body of a boy not more than sixteen years of age. He reminded me of Saigo, and my chest went tight. I held his head between my hands and connected with him. His stab wound had cracked the sternum and punctured a lung. There was so much tissue damage and blood, I felt certain I would be unable to save him, but I began instructing his ki to knit his sternum together and repair the hole in his lung. Fortunately, the veil wasn’t present with this particular healing. The blood that had pooled within needed to be relocated to his circulatory system. I gave several instructions for tissue repair and then helped his body cope with the blood loss. His ki managed to reuse the blood from the internal bleeding, a process his body never would have accepted on its own.
I pulled away from him and noticed that he was breathing easier now, and his face had relaxed. Taking a deep breath, I readied myself for the next possible situation where the veil might come into play. Then I moved on to the next soldier.
The following hour continued in much the same way. I assessed the severity of a person’s injuries, gave instructions to their ki and waited until I felt the body had accepted the healing taking place. Every single one of them had life threatening injuries, and every single one of them had been unconscious.
“Here is the last soldier,” Akane said. She looked tired and worried, but I hoped my efforts had lightened her load a little.
He was an older man, also unconscious.
“Akane, I can understand why some of these men are not awake. The pain from their wounds was probably too much for some to bear, but not all of them should have fainted from pain or loss of blood.”
Akane looked at me sheepishly. “I gave them all a sleeping draught. We must make certain that no one, other than the guards I assigned to you, have any idea who you are. If these soldiers witness your process for healing, they will begin to wonder about your identity, start asking questions, and eventually your involvement with our group will get back to your father.”
“Perhaps we should let Musubi know who I am. I sense we can trust him.”
Akane looked at the ground and shook her head. “I trust Musubi with my life, and I know that part of his heart is very good.” She looked up at me again. “But Mikomi, part of his heart is bad. There is something in his past that haunts him, and he won’t let it go, nor will he discuss the matter with me. And out of respect for him, I cannot press him further. I think it best, for safety’s sake, that we keep your identity a secret, from him especially.”
What Akane said troubled me. I had also sensed that he held tightly to something dark and dangerous, and I wanted to know everything there was to know about the mysterious Musubi. I wanted him to know everything there was to know about me. It made me feel terribly uncomfortable, to have to lie to him or keep things from him, but I knew Akane understood the situation better than I did. I would respect her wishes and keep my name and title to myself.
“How will you explain these miraculous healings to your soldiers, or to Musubi for that matter? Are there other kami that can do what I can?”
“To some extent there are, and that is exactly the kind of story I will be telling. I have several kami who have joined the cause and are willing to help share a small part of their ki to heal our soldiers.”
“They will believe this story?” I wondered.
“They won’t have any reason not to.”
“I fear that Musubi is not quite so gullible.” I placed a hand on Akane’s shoulder. “How will you keep him in the dark concerning my involvement?”
“I will make sure he sees you treating some of our men with less serious injuries. Is it possible for you to help them heal slowly or does the healing take place immediately?”
My eyes lit up at what she suggested.
“You mean, I might instruct a bone to heal over a quicker period of time, but not all at once? If they don’t heal immediately he won’t become suspicious.”
“Exactly, he’ll simply assume you have some miracle herbs and a healing touch, and the rest of my men will think that as well.”
I pulled my hand back and began some nervous pacing. “That could work. I’ve certainly used this tactic before when healing patients at Daiki’s tavern. Are there men in your camp that need these types of services now?”
“Yes, but it is several miles from here, and you have already been healing for over an hour. You are most likely exhausted, and I don’t want anyone at the palace to question your whereabouts.”
I waved my hand dismissively. “Kenji received permission to tutor me for the rest of the afternoon and evening, and as you are well aware…I have already suffered through my veil training with Katsu.”
A tired sadness passed over her face and her shoulders sagged. “How is Cho?”
“She passed away in my arms, but she felt no pain in the end. I was able to take that from her.” Akane bent her head down and swallowed hard. I could tell that allowing Cho to come to me, knowing in the end that she would die, had not been an easy decision for her to make. I wondered if they had been close. “How did you know I wouldn’t be able to save her? How did you know to send her to me?”
“There are many things I can tell you, Mikomi, but there are many things I cannot.”
I understood her meaning and decided to let it go for now. At the moment, there were more pressing matters to attend to.
“What will we do with all of these men?” I wondered.
“I will stay here with them and feed them the story we just discussed while you travel on with Kenji and your guards to our camp. I can meet you there later.”
I felt uncomfortable leaving Akane there alone with men who wouldn’t be aware enough to help protect her if she were found and attacked by my father’s soldiers, but she refused to leave her men behind, and I could only respect her for such a decision.
Kenji and I traveled on with our faithful guards by our side. It occurred to me I didn’t know their names as our journey progressed and was about to
ask them, but we arrived at the camp, and my intentions to get to know them were forgotten when I took in the scene before me.
The camp had been ransacked. Men were running this way and that, gathering up the few supplies that had not been destroyed by my father’s soldiers and saddling them to the horses that stood surprisingly calm and still amidst the chaos. Other men were out attempting to gather the horses that had been lost during the scuffle. The guards led me to a point on the far right side of the camp to a large tent. I kept my eyes lowered as we passed soldier after soldier. I could feel their curious stares and heard them whispering, but nothing more happened, and I hoped to be forgotten as quickly as I passed.
The tent flap opened suddenly and out stepped Musubi, looking worried and anxious. I felt my whole body come alive in his presence and tried to stop the silly grin that threatened to spread across my transparent face. The moment he realized I was there, he appeared relieved and reached his hand out as if to touch me, but then a different emotion crossed his features, one I couldn’t recognize, and he quickly pulled back.
I tried using my empathic abilities to get a read on his emotional state, but found myself to be completely cut off. His emotional wall wouldn’t give way to my determined probing. He and Katsu seemed to be alike in that respect.
“What in the world took you so long to get here? I thought you and Akane might have had some trouble with the emperor’s guards and planned on retrieving you myself.”
My body glowed with happiness at the thought that he felt concern for my safety. I also hadn’t realized he’d been expecting me.
“I am sorry. Some of the soldier’s wounds were more critical than Akane or I had anticipated. I had to be very thorough and careful in their treatment.”
Musubi nodded. “How many will live?”
“All of them, I think.” I hurried on at Musubi’s astonished look. “Akane had enlisted some kami to volunteer a little of their healing abilities to take care of what I couldn’t. They were there to help once I managed to do all that I could.”
Musubi looked troubled. “That does not sound plausible or even possible. A kami, if they revert too much of their healing power to someone other than themselves is in very real danger of losing their immortality. I know of no kami willing to risk this, even if they divert their powers just once or twice.”