by C. J. Anaya
“I’m assuming that soldier who disappeared into the night led them to our latest location which was five miles from here. When we returned for the rest of the soldiers we were ambushed,” Aiko reported. She kept her eyes lowered, a strong sense of guilt settling in.
“And the rest of the soldiers?” Akane pressed.
When Aiko raised her eyes I was shocked to discover a lone tear slide down her face.
Musubi cleared his throat and shook his head. “They had already been slaughtered by the time we arrived.”
“How many?”
“Seven.”
Akane let out a few heated expletives, which I thought was wholly warranted.
Those poor soldiers.
“You slew the demon god’s monsters then?”
“Every last one of them,” Aiko said in a shaky voice.
“Aiko was quite an asset. I couldn’t have taken five on at one time.” Musubi gave her an encouraging look, but my maid didn’t seem to notice. Her guilt at the loss of seven soldiers had her completely preoccupied. I understood that horrible sense of failure when holding yourself to such a high standard. When you believe yourself to be invincible enough to thwart death no matter the cost. It seemed that time had simply not been on their side.
“This is not your fault, Aiko,” I began.
“They were my responsibility. I…if you’ll excuse me. I think I need a moment to compose myself.”
“Of course,” Akane said.
As we watched Aiko walk deeper into camp, Musubi said, “She’s taking it hard. Didn’t hardly know any of them, and yet she behaves as if she’s lost family. I’m glad she will be added to your protection detail, Mikomi. She’s definitely someone you want on your side.”
I couldn’t have agreed more, but I feared Aiko’s compassionate nature was going to cause her continual emotional pain, especially if she bonded more with our warriors.
“How are these soldiers faring?” Musubi asked.
“Just something they ate that must have been contaminated. I suspect their illness will resolve itself within a twenty-four hour period once my ministrations take effect.”
Musubi’s eyebrows narrowed. “I find it hard to believe that a simple case of food poisoning was able to wreak so much havoc on our soldiers’ bodies for so long. When I encountered them they could barely struggle forward. I thought for sure I would return to find that half of them died before ever having reached the camp. You’re sure it wasn’t something more serious?”
Akane cleared her throat and gave me a worried look.
“See for yourself.” I pointed toward the last soldier I helped. “Their fevers are already abating and their breathing is less labored. They will be fine within a day.”
Musubi strode over to the soldiers and inspected them one by one, nodding his head in approval as he reached the last of them. “Impressive,” he stated, but he didn’t look impressed. His emotions didn’t align with his words.
He was disturbed on some level, but I couldn’t get a good read on his emotions before it changed into something completely different. A mischievous smile broke out across his face, and I was sure I wouldn’t like whatever it was he had planned.
“You must be exhausted after treating so many of our warriors.”
“Not at all,” I defended immediately.
He smiled. “In that case, I think there is time for an hour or so of training, unless of course the role of medicine woman has taken its toll upon you?”
“We have planning to do. The emperor must have an idea of our location. We need to leave as soon as possible.”
“He won’t send out what he believes to be another round of regular kami for a while. He’ll be waiting for some report from kami he thinks are invincible. There is time yet before it becomes necessary for us to leave. You’re going to need as much training as you can get before we attempt this suicidal endeavor. We shall practice until sunset and possibly longer unless you are afraid to practice during the night surrounded by nothing but forest.” His eyes glinted a challenge.
“I am not afraid of anything.” A bold lie. I was afraid of plenty of things, but fortunately for me the darkness of the forest was not one of them.
He stepped closer and offered me his hand. “Well then, off to train we go, little healer.”
Akane chuckled softly beside me. “I know that tone and look, Mikomi. Your trainer intends to work you hard. It’s a good thing you’re so fearless.”
I looked to her and smiled, then I quickly let go of Musubi’s hand and stripped off my kimono, revealing my black, skin-tight undergarments. “Shall we get started then?”
He let out a low chuckle. “I believe we already have.”
* * *
Musubi decided that this training’s torture method would involve simple sword drills. I quickly pulled my feet into the position he had been pushing me in for over an hour, chafing at the bit because I now had more knowledge at my disposal, but circumstances forced me to gradually employ it. Frustrated, I lost my focus and thrust forward, aiming my sword at him and nearly tripping in the process.
He laughed and easily danced beyond my reach. “When in the throes of battle, keeping one’s balance is a rather imperative must.”
I gave him a caustic smile. “I think I finally performed the exercise correctly. Now what?”
“Now you practice it until you get it right.”
“But I did get it right.”
“Did you manage to impale me with your sword?”
“Well, no, but—”
“Then clearly we have more work to do.”
I glared at him, but continued the exercise despite my sore feet and aching arms. I’m not sure how much longer I worked, practicing the simplest of sword moves, but eventually Musubi felt he had punished me enough.
“That should be sufficient practice for one night.”
“Oh, thank the gods,” I said, collapsing to the ground. “I can barely feel my arms.”
“Yes, I’m sure your muscles will be spent for quite some time. I doubt you’ll be able to return to your training for at least a week or two. A shame, really, and you held such promise.”
He sat down next to me on the ground and let out a wicked chuckle.
“Are you always this sarcastic?” I asked.
“Always.”
I tried to give him a fierce look of reproach, but couldn’t hold it together when he began laughing at me again.
“Is that you attempting to be intimidating or have you ingested something sour?” he asked.
I smacked him playfully on the arm even though it hurt to raise my own arm to do it. I wasn’t too worried about my aching muscles. I would probably be all healed up within a few minutes. I couldn’t wait for him to be disheartened by my quick recovery.
“Sometimes I feel you work me so hard to discourage me. Do you truly feel I am not up to the task of fighting?” His answer was important to me. I needed him to believe in my abilities.
His tumultuous emotions answered that question. “I believe I made my position on the matter perfectly clear some time ago. You’re a healer, Mikomi, a woman of medicine, not someone interested in taking lives.”
“I may not be disposed to the idea of violence, but I want to be able to defend myself and those I love. You dislike taking lives as well, but you do so in order to defend what you believe is right. Don’t you feel a weight lifted from you, knowing you are capable of defending the people you love?”
Musubi’s mood shifted toward a dark and brooding abyss.
“I love no one, Mikomi.”
My heart ached at this response, feeling as if we had somehow backtracked from our earlier affections within Akane’s tent.
“You love Akane. You would not have helped her or followed her into this rebellion if you didn’t care deeply for her welfare.”
Musubi nodded. “Yes, I suppose she is a familial tether to this world. Though that might have been different many years ago. Unfortunately, I can’t
change the past. I can’t change anything.” A deep sadness took root within him. I recognized the melancholy that edged to the surface with thoughts of Edana. The woman he might have had a family with.
I reached over and touched his shoulder, sending thoughts of healing as I did so. I didn’t necessarily try to connect with his ki. Sometimes just a simple touch laced with positive energy was enough to sooth a person’s tangled emotions.
“I wish you didn’t continue to feel her loss so deeply. I wish your pain wasn’t so profound.”
“You can’t possibly understand the depths of my pain, child,” Musubi choked out.
I raised my eyebrows at this, recognizing that calling me a child was his way of distancing himself from me. “You continually forget my empathic abilities. When you hurt, I hurt for you. I feel it just as if the emotions were mine.”
“I won’t relinquish the past before I’ve accomplished my goals, though my goals have altered slightly since yesterday.”
I puzzled over this, but continued on, “Please see reason, Musubi. What can I say to discourage you from your current path? This quest for revenge will be your undoing. You must leave the past where it belongs, else you’ll never attain that which you most desire.”
Musubi let out a taunting laugh. “What I most desire is to avenge the death of Edana, and once I’ve meted out punishment where punishment is due, I will be at peace.”
“Will you? Will this man’s death truly be enough for you?”
“What makes you think I want him dead? There are other ways to inflict punishment.”
He glared at me, attempting to dissuade me from continuing along this vein of conversation, but I wasn’t about to yield.
“It seems to me that your anger has poisoned you to the real issues you grapple with.”
“I suppose you believe you know my heart better than I do?”
“I understand what betrayal and the resultant anger from that betrayal can do to a person. It warps their sense of justice, lodges bitterness and fear within the soul, and turns a pure heart into a blackened weight within their chest. The key to any and all of these dangerous emotions is to meet them with forgiveness, tolerance, acceptance, and love.”
He grunted at that. “Love. As if that will ever be an emotion I’ll have the pleasure of experiencing again.”
“You can experience anything in this life so long as your own emotions are tethered to things that heal rather than things that hurt. You need to let go of Edana. Forgive her for what she did, and forgive the man who caused her death. Forgiveness is an amazing remedy for many of our own inner maladies.”
Musubi swallowed hard before responding. “I don’t know if I can, and I wouldn’t know how to begin.”
My heart lifted at this. Could it be he was ready to at least try?
“Then you must let me show you how. You simply cannot function under such crippling pain.”
A wall snapped down upon his emotions, and his face took on a stormy look.
“There’s nothing you can do to ease my pain, Mikomi. We won’t discuss it further.”
I grappled with my own panic as he distanced himself from me yet again. I was losing him, though I had felt certain for one moment that I had made progress. I needed to do something more, help him along if possible, but it was risky to further reveal this ability of mine. He could easily connect it to my identity as The Healer, and who knew how he would react to that information.
I chose to ignore his protests and placed both of my hands on his chest. I closed my eyes and instead of connecting with his ki, I merely touched it and began drawing out some of the pain, anger, bitterness and even hatred he was feeling, absorbing it throughout my body. In my mind’s eye the blackness around his heart seemed to shrink ever so slightly, weakening a little more since last I chipped away at it. Its circumference gave way to a small measure of light. My actions wouldn’t hurt me immediately, but the aftermath would manifest itself within a few minutes.
When I opened my eyes, I noticed that Musubi’s hands were covering my own. I looked up at him questioningly and almost winced at the glaring look he gave me.
“What did you do?”
“I tried to lessen your pain. I told you I’m an empath. I absorbed a little of your emotions so they don’t weigh upon you so heavily.”
Musubi stood up so abruptly I almost fell over.
“You had no right. You had no business attempting to take away what drives me, what motivates me, what gives me purpose and a reason to live.”
I felt my jaw drop in surprise and was on my feet as well.
“Musubi, forgive me, but I think if these feelings are the only obstacles standing between you and a death wish then you should have dispensed with all of it long ago. As I’ve stated before, you’ll never be able to move on if there is that much anger, pain, and hatred lodged in your heart.”
“Who said I wanted to move on? I have much to accomplish, little healer, and you will not interfere with my plans.”
I would have argued the point, but the feelings I absorbed chose to attack me at that moment. I doubled over in pain and dropped to my knees. I let out a soft cry, but I really wanted to scream as loud as my vocal chords would allow.
“Mikomi, what is wrong? What is happening?”
His arms wrapped around my body, but the pain I felt continued to stab at me like sharp needles all over my entire frame. I was no stranger to this process, but no one’s pain had ever brought me to my knees the way this kami’s pain did. My body shook uncontrollably while large droplets of moisture seeped down the length of my temple. Musubi continued to hold me close to his chest, but it did little to ease the agony. After a few minutes more of my tortured state my shaking stopped and the pain subsided. I limply relaxed into his arms while Musubi rocked me back and forth.
I brought my hand to my face and tried to wipe away the tears.
“Mikomi, please tell me what just happened.” He lifted my chin to meet his eyes. Pools of deep blue, full of concern for me wove a hypnotic spell over my mind. At that moment my defenses were down, he was the most beautiful man I had ever seen, and I probably would have told him anything just to bring a smile to his serious face.
“I absorbed some of your bitterness, hatred, and pain. I wanted to take all of it away, but my body can only handle so much at one time. Still, I shouldn’t have had such a strong reaction. It’s just so deeply rooted within you.”
“You absorbed my emotions even though you were aware that it would hurt you?” He seemed astonished at the very idea.
“Of course. I’m an empath, and a woman of medicine. It’s my job to make things better, whether you wish me to or not.” He still cradled me in his arms, and I couldn’t help but feel all was right with the world at that very moment.
“You should have never sacrificed yourself like that for me. You’re never to do it again, do you understand?”
“You’re not my commander nor my master, so I will do as I please.”
I couldn’t believe how outspoken I had become. It was so unlike the princess of old. But then I guess I wasn’t a princess at the moment. I was Mikomi, and I loved it.
Musubi pulled me closer so that our faces were mere inches apart.
“You will never endanger yourself for my sake ever again.”
I stared at the perfect set of his nose and the outline of his full lips.
“You think your negative emotions are your strength, but nothing could be further from the truth. Anything noteworthy you achieve in this life will not be the result of the anger and hatred you so fiercely cling to.” Musubi said nothing, but merely stared at me in silent scrutiny. “You ache for the love you lost, but has it never occurred to you that by letting these feelings go you might find a new love? One that could heal what’s broken within you?”
“I don’t wish to find new love,” he said hoarsely.
His confession hurt my heart, but I couldn’t let him see it. “Then you won’t. You’ll stay lonely, a
ngry, and unloved forever. I hope whatever vendetta you are holding onto is worth losing any future chance of happiness.”
Musubi slowly brought us both to our feet but kept his arms around my waist to hold me upright.
“I think this has been a mistake. I do not believe it is wise for us to continue this farce, behaving as if we are a happily married couple. We are too familiar with one another now.”
“That’s not true. You’re afraid there might be some merit to the things I’ve just told you, and you’re uncomfortable with that. You’re uncomfortable with me.”
Musubi pulled me in even closer. “I don’t want to find a new love. I don’t need to find a new love.”
“I believe you do,” I whispered.
The pace of my heart quickened the longer Musubi held me in his arms. He looked determined to let me go and walk away, but he also looked desperate to hold on to something or someone that might calm the raging storm within him. I wasn’t sure which decision he would make, but I already knew what mine was. I never wanted him to let me go.
Nothing in my life had ever been simple or uncomplicated, but what I knew and felt while being held in Musubi’s arms gave me more clarity than I had ever received in my entire life. I wanted him, and no one else. I needed him, and no one else.
Our moment together was interrupted by the loud scuffing of boots upon the forest floor.
Musubi released me like I had just burned him and retreated a healthy distance from me. Though it was dark, and the light from the torches flickered in the wind, I could still see the angry lines and baffled look etched across his features. He wasn’t quite sure what to think of our heated exchange.
“Dinner is ready,” Saigo yelled as he scuffled over a few banyan roots that littered the terrain. “Akane sent me to fetch you and told me to tell you to prepare yourselves for the roles you must play. There are several new forces who have joined us this evening, and they have yet to be informed that you two are wed. I believe she is concerned that a few of them might make a pass at my dear sister.” He gave me a look of mock horror. “If they had any idea how loudly you snore at night, I’m sure the matter would already be settled.”