by Stella James
I open the door to my office and take a long, hard look at the sight before me. Blue Falls’ soon to be new Mayor is currently locking lips with a very attractive brunette. I clear my throat and supress a small laugh as the two men break apart and look at me as if I just caught them in the middle of a bank robbery.
“Kate! Oh God, I’m sorry, I wasn’t expecting you back so soon.”
“Oh, well in that case, would you like me to leave so you can finish eating your lunch?” The look on his face is so adorably afraid that I can’t even pretend to mess with him.
“I’m fucking with you, Bennett,” I approach the dark haired man and hold out my hand. “Hi, I’m Kate, Bennett’s assistant.”
The man’s shoulders visibly relax as he takes my hand and gives it a firm shake. “It’s nice to finally meet you Kate, I’m Emmett.”
“Emmett?” I grin. “You’re Bennett and Emmett?” The giggles rise up before I can slap my hand over my mouth.
Both men join in and the tension in the room quickly dissolves.
“You should have heard my mother when I first brought him home, she went on and on about how two gay men with rhyming names finding each other was the work of fate,” Bennett says thoughtfully. “Although, she made a good point because it’s been ten years.”
“Eleven,” Emmett says before giving Bennett a kiss on the cheek. “Well, I better be on my way. The movers will be at the new house in an hour and I’ve still got errands to run. Kate, it was a pleasure.”
“Likewise.”
Emmett closes the door behind him and I turn to Bennett.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, Kate.”
“You’re sorry you didn’t tell me that you’re gay? Or you’re sorry you didn’t tell me that you’re married?”
“Both.”
“Bennett, it’s really not a big deal. Is being gay something you often keep to yourself?”
“No, not anymore. I’m thirty-seven for crying out loud, I left the closet behind permanently when I was in college. But with moving to another town, you never really know how people are going to react.”
“Well, you have nothing to worry about from me. And I think you’ll find that most of the people in town are pretty open. Especially considering what a handsome couple you are,” I say with a smile.
“Thanks. Emmett works from home so it’s not a big deal to him where we are, but this job means a lot to me and when Marty mentioned his retirement at the last county meeting, I hoped it would be a right fit for me.”
“I think you’ll be fine. People will be happy just to get some new blood in this office. Gay or not.”
Bennett and I spend the rest of the afternoon going over town projects and budget proposals. I really do think that he and Emmett will fit in no problem. Christ, when Judy gets her talons in them the poor suckers won’t stand a chance. She’ll take them hostage and shove them into every single town gathering until people love them as much as she does. That’s just how my mom works. The thought makes me laugh.
*
It isn’t until the middle of the night, several hours after Asher and I have already fallen into each other in a frantic rush that I am reminded of the fact that life is never as simple as it seems. The bedroom is still dark when I open my eyes and feel the spot beside me. It’s empty and the sheets are cool. I sit up and listen for Asher. Nothing.
“Asher?” My call remains unanswered.
I slide from the warm bed and throw on a T-shirt. The cabin is silent but I can hear a faint thud coming from outside. I walk into the kitchen and look through the window. The porch light is on and I can see Asshole sitting on the front step, I look up at what he’s fixed on and see Asher stalking towards the massive wood pile. He’s stacking freshly cut pieces and going back for another log, his eyes look distant, his jaw tense as he goes through the motions. I can see the sweat dripping down the back of his neck.
It takes my eyes a minute to adjust and it’s then that I notice the nearly empty bottle of whiskey sitting on a discarded chunk of wood. Its very existence is a cruel reminder of the reality I’ve been selfishly ignoring and unable to change.
*
Asher’s descent back into solitude begins slowly. He pulls back from me gradually and in such a way that I don’t even notice it’s happening until I wake up for the fourth night in a row without him beside me. I can hear the T.V. on in the living room. I tread lightly from the bedroom and make my way down the hallway, the room is dark except for the glow of the infomercial now filling the screen. Asher lays on his back, taking up the entire couch and then some. His arm is draped over his eyes and his breath is even and steady. I approach him slowly and gently place my hand on his shoulder and try to wake him, but he doesn’t budge.
“Asher? Please come to bed,” I whisper.
Nothing.
I reach for the blanket on the back of the couch and cover him up. I can feel his eyes on my back as I leave the room and go back to bed. Alone.
When I leave for work the next morning Asher is already gone.
“Kate? Kate?”
“Sorry, what?” I’m lost in thought when Bennett’s voice brings me back to reality.
“Are you okay?” He asks. We are sitting in the conference room going over the remainder of this year’s budget.
“Yeah, sorry. I didn’t sleep very well last night, I didn’t mean to space out on you,” I smile through my half-truth. “I’m actually not feeling very well today, would you mind if I headed home early today?”
“Of course not, can I do anything?”
“No, I’ll be okay. I think I just need to lie down for a bit. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.” I leave him with our scattered paperwork and head to my desk to gather my things. As I walk to my car I realize that I have no idea where I’m going, it isn’t until I’m halfway there that I realize my destination.
Home.
When I pull up to the house I can see my mom bent over in her garden, digging up potatoes. My brother and I both try to make it over to my parents place once a week or so for dinner but this is just one of the many things I’ve neglected over the last couple months. I go into the house first and swap my pumps for a pair of yellow rubber boots. I grab myself a pair of gloves from the basket in the closet and head back outside. My mom stands just as I approach the wire gate connecting the fence that surrounds the massive plot.
“Those bastard deer have been in here eating my peas again. I swear I’m going to start blasting those things with a pellet gun if I catch them out here,” she says.
I smile and pull on my gloves, crouching down in the opposite row. We work silently until the wheel barrow is full and I push it over to the small shed beside the house where the cold room is. When I come back out, my mom is sitting on the deck with a pitcher of iced tea. I kick off my boots and take the chair beside her.
“You want to talk about it?” She asks.
“Not really,” I lean back in my chair and close my eyes. “I feel like I’m losing him, Mom.”
“Losing him as a lover? Or losing him as a friend?”
“Both,” I say. “I just don’t know how to help him.”
“Oh honey, you can’t do much more for Asher other than be there for him. He’s a good boy, always has been. But he’s struggling right now and likely will be for some time. You have to accept that some things you just can’t control. You can’t control how he feels or how he chooses to deal with those feelings,” she says. “You can’t push him but you also can’t sacrifice yourself for him either. At some point he’s got to want to fight, Kate. And if it comes to a point where he’s just not ready, you need to be prepared for that.”
When I pull up to the cabin just before nightfall I see Asher’s truck in the driveway and spot him sitting on the porch swing. I park beside him and when I exit my car I think I see a flicker of relief in his eyes. I can’t admit defeat just yet. I sit down beside him and take his hand in mine, squeezing it gently. He doesn’t squeeze back.
Asher
I’m staring at the game on T.V. but my mind is blank. I can hear Katie in the next room getting ready for the party she has spent the last two months planning. I know she wants me to come with her but she won’t say it out loud and because I’m a selfish prick, I allow her to remain silent. There’s been a shift between us and though we both feel it, neither one of us is brave enough to face it. I thought I could be better for her. But reality is a mean old bitch and sooner or later she screams so loud in your face that it becomes impossible to ignore her. We haven’t touched each other or slept in the same bed for the last three weeks. The anxiety within me is exhausting and the only thing that quiets it long enough for me to close my eyes, is the better half of a bottle of whiskey. Every night Katie goes to bed alone and I know she’s waiting for me. She’s waiting for me to walk through the door and talk about my problems and make false promises. But I don’t. I drink until I’m numb and I pass out on this piece of shit couch alone. I’m a lot of things, but I’m not a liar and I won’t feed her bullshit. I know she’s worried. I know my folks are worried. But caring about how anyone else feels at this point isn’t even on my radar. I can hear the sound of her heels as she makes her way into the living room. She stops short at the end of the hallway and I know she’s watching me.
“Asher?” Her voice is uncertain and I fucking hate myself for making her feel that way.
“Yeah?” I look at her and feel the walls of my chest tighten. Katie is the type of woman who will never understand just how beautiful she is. She’s wearing a short black dress that hugs her slim curves. There are no straps holding it up and her blonde hair is caressing her bare shoulders in loose waves. There’s nothing bold about the way she looks but that’s what makes her so damn gorgeous. When you look at her, you see her, not some made up version that would pale in comparison to the real thing. I can feel the self-loathing like a film on my skin that I can’t wash away. She deserves so much better than me.
“Are you sure you don’t want to come? We don’t have to stay long and your parents will be there, we could sit with them,” she says hopefully.
I almost give in and say that I’ll come with her but of course I don’t. I sit there like the fucked up jerk that I am and watch her walk out the door. I pretend not to notice the sadness in her eyes and I ignore the voice in my head screaming at me that I’m about to lose the one person in this world that means the most to me. I ignore it because it doesn’t matter. I’ll lose her eventually either way, no point in putting off the inevitable. I hate how messed up things are between us. Katie has never been the type to sit back and bite her tongue but I’ve managed to rob her of one of the very things that makes her who she is.
She hasn’t been gone for long when there’s a knock at the front door. I swallow the shot of booze that sits in my mouth and ignore whoever is on the other side. I lean back into the couch and close my eyes. I don’t even hear the door open.
“Well this is a pretty sight, you sure look busy to me.”
Mona.
“Go away.”
“Not gonna happen pretty boy.”
The couch dips down beside me but I still can’t bring myself to look at her. Shame or pride prevents me, it’s hard to tell which at this point.
“What do you want, Mona?”
“Oh I’m glad you asked. First of all, it’s nice to see you too, it’s only been what? Almost ten fucking years, but hey, who’s counting? Second, if you have to ask me then you’re even dumber than I thought,” her voice is dripping with sarcasm and blatant irritation, I know that I won’t walk away from this conversation unscathed. I’ve only spoken to Mona a handful of times over the last decade and I know she deserves more than one word answers. I also know her well enough to know that she won’t leave me the hell alone until she’s satisfied with this conversation. I open my eyes and sit up.
“What do you want me to do? Go to this stupid party and pretend that I’m fine?” I laugh bitterly at the idea.
“Yes.”
“It’s better for Katie if I don’t. She’s worked hard for this and shit’s been weird between us, I’m not going to ruin her night.”
“I hate to break it to you stud, but you already are. She’s moping around the hotel setting up chairs and place settings and there’s no way that she’s going to enjoy anything when she’s too damn busy worrying about you,” she reaches for my hand, the gesture serves as a reminder that we’ve known each other a long time and at one point I considered her a friend. Shit.
“I know it must be hard to adjust and Kate refuses to hold you to any kind of expectation, God fucking bless her, but can’t you just try? For her?” Her voice is pleading and I can feel my resolve slipping away.
“I can’t make her any promises.”
“Has she asked you to? Has she demanded anything? Kate will always be there for you, no matter what. Doesn’t that earn her a couple hours of your time?” She gets up and heads for the door.
“Think about it, Asher. And for what it’s worth, I’ve missed your pretty face.”
The door shuts firmly behind her and all I’m left with is my own miserable existence.
*
I can hear the faint sound of music as people filter in and out of the conference room doors. I’ve probably missed the dinner but I don’t care. The only reason I’m here is for Katie. After Mona left I honestly had no intention of coming but the more I sat by myself the more I began to loathe my own company. I took a couple more shots of jack to numb the bitterness before I found a decent shirt and a pair of dress pants in the back of the closet and drove out to The Astoria. I’ve heard plenty about Blue Falls’ most successful hotel but this is the first time I’ve ever been inside. I step through the doors and scan the crowd. I spot Katie at the front of the room with some guy in a fancy suit who I assume is Bennett Smith, the new Mayor. They’re leaning in towards each other and whatever he’s telling her is making her smile. It’s been weeks since I saw a genuine smile cross her lips and the fact that it’s directed at another man wears on my already thin patience. The fact that he’s gay doesn’t seem to matter. As if she can hear my thoughts, she looks up and meets my gaze. She looks surprised and excuses herself from their conversation. My legs move without thought and we meet in the middle of the room.
“You came,” she says as her hand reaches for mine. I accept the warmth of her touch and realize just how much I’ve missed it.
“I’m trying, Katie.”
“I know,” she smiles. “Why don’t you go grab a seat with your folks and I’ll be over as soon as I can.” She leans up and places her lips softly against mine. I watch her walk back through the crowd of people to the man she was standing with before. I spot my parents sitting with Mona and some guy I’ve never met. Her boyfriend I assume. I turn towards the table but I’m stopped short when a woman I vaguely recognize stands in front of me.
“Asher? Asher Montgomery?” She asks.
“Yeah, that’s me. Do I know you?”
“It’s me, Becky. From high school…? We went to prom together…?”
“Uh, right. How’s it going?”
“Good! I was actually hoping that you’d be here tonight. I’m working for the town paper now and we’d love to run a story on you.”
“On me? Why?”
“Oh don’t be modest. A high school football star who turns down a scholarship to serve his country instead? People will love to read about you,” she says. “And of course, we’ll talk about the accident.” She cringes a bit over the last part.
“The accident?” Un- fucking believable.
“That led to your retirement,” she whispers the words as if she’s filling me in on a secret. The smell of alcohol is heavy on her breath. “You lost two men that day, right? That must have been hard to watch.”
I begin to count back from ten in my head.
“I can’t imagine what it’s like to see someone die, you must have been so relieved
that you walked away in one piece.”
I can barely hear her over the pounding in my head. Five, four…
“I mean, I know you were injured but that must seem like such a small sacrifice compared to the two families that actually lost someone. Is it true that one of the soldiers who died that day had a baby boy that he hadn’t met yet?” She takes a generous sip from the wine glass in her hand before she leans in close to me. “That poor woman. All by herself with a new baby.”
“Daughter,” the words are hardly audible through my clenched teeth.
“Whose daughter?” She asks before she polishes off the remainder of her wine.
“The soldier you’re referring to. It was a daughter that he had never met. Not a son.”
“Oh!” She laughs. “Well, I guess that’s just small town gossip for you. Little bits and pieces can get mixed up,” she waves her hand and shrugs her shoulders like it’s no big deal while the blood that’s pumping through my veins feels like it’s on fire.
“If you’ll excuse me,” I turn from her and ignore her giggled protest. I have my destination in mind and don’t stop until I’m sitting on a leather stool at the bar. One drink turns into four and four turns into I’ve lost count. I knew that coming here was a bad idea and in the dark edges of my mind I can hear my own voice taunting me.
I told you so.
Chapter 17
Kate
I’ve spent the last couple of hours at Bennett’s side, mingling with the crowd and introducing him to people. I couldn’t have asked for a better turn out. Marty is getting a proper send off and more than half the town has been filtering in and out all evening, giving Bennett the opportunity to win them all over with his dazzling smile and charming personality. Emmett is at home, sick with the flu but I can honestly say that not one single person raised an eyebrow when Bennett made reference to his husband. I suspect that most of them already knew that Bennett is gay but I think it meant something to him to vocalize it himself. He’s going to be a great leader for this town and I’m proud to work with him.