by Stella James
It isn’t until later that night that I make the one phone call I have no business making. It rings several times before she answers. Her voice is soft and rough and I know I’ve woken her up. There is so much to say but I can’t get the words out.
“Hello?”
I release my breath and I’m about to speak when her voice cracks as she says my name.
“Asher? Is that you?”
Everything that I planned on saying escapes me so I keep it short and I keep it simple.
“Don’t give up on me yet, Katie. Please.”
“Never,” she whispers.
Chapter 19
Kate
2 months later
I never knew that a person could survive with only half a heart and yet here I am. Breathing, walking, talking, going through the motions of everyday life and yet half my heart is missing. I don’t know where Asher is, exactly. After he phoned me in the middle of the night nearly two months ago I questioned his parents but all they would tell me was that he would be gone for a little over three months and not to worry. Apparently he swore them to secrecy out of fear that I would track him down. Which I would have.
I’m sitting on my balcony, watching the sun vanish behind the trees. I pick up the white plastic stick from the small table beside me and stare at the two pink lines that confirm what I have suspected for the last several days. Asher and I never used condoms because we trusted each other and because I’ve been on the pill for most of my adult life. I never thought I’d be one of “those” women who simply forgets to take a pill in the morning, but as it turns out I was “that” woman for several days during my time with Asher at the cabin.
Despite the fact that our future is filled with uncertainty, I place my hand on my flat stomach and feel a rush of love so pure that I can’t help but feel a small semblance of hope.
*
“Are you sure you’re okay? Because it sounds like you’re dying.”
I’m bent over the toilet in the restroom at Mac’s, throwing up for the fifth time so far today. Apparently the baby doesn’t like food. Or liquids. Or anything on this planet that is necessary for me to sustain life. Mona is standing on the other side of the door. I asked her to meet me for lunch so that I could tell her about the baby. It’s only been three days since I took the test and as if on cue, I’ve been thrust into the throes of morning sickness ever since.
“I’m fine,” I flush the toilet and open the stall door.
“Holy baby freaking Jesus. You’re fucking pregnant, aren’t you?”
I wash my hands and splash some cool water on my face. “I was going to tell you.”
“Does anyone else know?” She asks as she hands me a stack of paper towel.
“Just you, me and every toilet within a ten mile radius.”
“So what are you going to do?” She asks.
“What do you mean, what am I going to do? I’m not fucking sixteen years old, Mona. I’m capable of having a baby,” the words come out harsher than I intend. In addition to barfing every hour, my hormones are all over the place. “I’m sorry. I just…I need you to have my back on this one, okay?”
“Of course I have your back. I always do. What I mean is, what are you going to do about telling Asher? That’s quite the welcome home present.”
“I know,” I exhale and press a cold wad of paper to my forehead. “Trust me, I know.”
“Well regardless of what happens, Walker and I will always be here for Mona junior,” she puts her hand on my stomach and pats it gently. “There, there, little MJ, Auntie Mona’s going to teach you everything you need to know.”
My grin stops short as I clamp a hand over my mouth and run back to the toilet. This baby is trying to kill me.
Chapter 20
Asher
1 month later
90 days sober
One year ago my life changed. I changed. For the first time since that day I feel like I can see clearly. The last ninety days have been rough, frustrating and downright fucking scary. I had no comprehension as to just how much I was relying on alcohol until I had to go without it. The nightmares came just about every single night for the first two weeks and there was no escaping them. Every day I went to group meetings and individual counseling sessions. I talked and talked until I was sick of hearing the sound of my own damn voice. I listened to other people tell their stories of addiction and losses that were so much greater than my own and I knew that I didn’t want to end up worse off than I already was. Every time I felt like giving up and saying fuck it, I thought of Katie. I made my parents promise not to tell her where I was. I knew she’d come after me and I needed to do this on my own. I needed to know that I could do this on my own. I might have been there for myself but it was the sound of her voice and the memory of her touch that kept me going.
I glance down at the scrap of paper in my hand and turn down a quiet street lined with modest homes and neatly trimmed lawns. I’m itching to get back to Blue Falls, back to Katie. But there is something I have to do first. Something that my counselor and I agreed would be important to my recovery. I pull over and park in front of a well kempt white house surrounded by a matching fence. I take a deep breath and exit my truck, going over the words in my head that I’ve been rehearsing for the last seven days since I made a long overdue phone call. I ring the doorbell and don’t have to wait long before I’m face to face with a woman who I’ve only seen in photographs. She’s petite with short dark hair and she’s wearing a pair of red rimmed glasses. Grady used to talk about how he never thought glasses were sexy until the day he met his wife.
“Asher?” She smiles.
“Yeah, Rachel?”
I’m surprised when her arms wrap tightly around me. She steps back and gestures to the open door.
“It’s nice to finally meet you, come on in and I’ll grab us some coffee. Make yourself comfortable, I’ll be right back,” she heads to the back of the house to where I assume the kitchen is.
The inside of the house is neat with the exception of a few toys that lay scattered about on the living room floor. I glance at the mantle above the fire place and swallow past the lump in my throat as I look at the pictures on display. Grady in his uniform. He and Rachel on their wedding day. I pick up a gold frame with a picture of their daughter, Jenny.
“She looks just like him, doesn’t she?” I turn around as she sets two mugs on the coffee table. “She acts just like him too,” she laughs.
I set the frame down carefully and sit on the couch across from her.
“I’m so sorry, Rachel.” I know the words can’t change anything or bring him back but I need her to hear them regardless.
“Oh, Asher. Please don’t tell me that you feel responsible for Matt,” she reaches for my hand and squeezes it briefly. “There was nothing else in this world that he wanted to be besides a soldier. His dad was a soldier and so was his grandfather. It was in his blood. He knew the risks, we both did. But it was what he wanted and I supported him. You can’t blame yourself for living just because he didn’t make it home.”
“It just doesn’t seem fair, to be walking around like I am when your daughter is never going to know her father.”
“Trust me, Asher, our daughter will know who her father was. She’ll know that he spent nearly a decade of his life protecting others. She’ll know what his favourite colour was and his favourite food and any other detail about him that she asks for. Because I’ll tell her. She will know her father through me and the memories that I have and nothing will ever take that away from her. So please, let go of what you can’t change. Matt would hate to see one of his brothers not living because of guilt.”
I realize then that in the time that I’ve spent feeling sorry for myself I never once stopped to think that maybe I wasn’t doing right by the men we’ve lost over the years. Keeping their memories alive and making sure that people know just what these men died for is the bigger picture and in my constant state of self- hate and guilt, I lost
all sight of that.
My thoughts are interrupted by a tiny voice calling for her mama from the baby monitor on the table. When Rachel comes back into the room, she’s got a chubby little girl on her hip with dark hair like hers and every other feature that belonged to Grady.
“Asher, this is Jenny. Baby, can you say hi to Daddy’s friend, Asher?”
She doesn’t say anything but she holds out a soft pink blanket in her tiny hand and gives it to me before she buries her face in her Rachel’s neck. I tell myself right there that life is far too short and far too precious to waste. I don’t want to spend a second longer being away from the woman I love. I say goodbye to Rachel and her daughter and promise to keep in touch. I might not be able to bring Grady back but I can help keep his memory alive for the sake of his child.
It’s time for me to go home to the woman I love.
*
It’s dark by the time I finally enter the town limits. It’s getting late but I head straight to Katie’s apartment. There’s so much to say I don’t even know where I’ll begin. I park on the quiet street in front of her building and head up to the second floor. I hesitate briefly before I knock lightly on the door. It creaks open seconds later and I take in the sight of the most beautiful woman in the world. The woman who has been my best friend since we were five years old. The woman who is a part of almost every single memory that I have. In this moment nothing matters but the person standing in front of me. Everything has led us to where we are now. A broken man desperately trying to be worthy and the woman who has chosen him regardless. Has she given up? I get the answer that I seek when the tears in her eyes spill over.
“Hey asshole.”
Her words are little more than a whisper but they are the sweetest damn thing I’ve ever heard. She’s in my arms before I can manage a reply. Our lips meet and everything else fades away. She pulls me into the apartment and I kick the door shut behind me. The need between us is thick and leaves us both breathless. There is no me without her and if she’ll have me, I’ll spend every day of my life loving her.
“God I missed you, Katie. Please tell me it’s not too late for us,” I trail my lips down the column of her neck and hold her close to me.
“I missed you too,” she gasps. She pulls back slightly and looks me in the eye. “You’re everything to me, Asher. Don’t you see that? I could never give up on you because my heart belongs to you. I think it’s always belonged to you in some way.”
Words fail me completely. There is nothing that I could possibly say that would convey just what she does to me. All I can do is show her. I taste her lips slowly, my hands in her hair urge her to tilt her head back so that I can take our kiss deeper. Her scent and the feel of her curves against me make my cock hard as hell but I won’t rush. I’ll take my time with her. I grip her ass and pull her up, her long legs wrap around my waist and I take us to the bedroom. The glow from the street lights down below filter through the semi open curtains and cast a gentle light throughout the bedroom. When we reach the foot of the bed she releases her hold on me and slides down. I grasp the hem of her shirt and pull it above her head exposing her breasts. I drop to my knees in front of her. A mere mortal in the presence of an angel. I gently pull at the soft fabric of her pants and roll them past her hips and down her legs along with her underwear. She braces a hand on either one of my shoulders as she steps out of them. As I stand I brush my hands along her legs. I step behind her and brush her hair to the side before placing my lips firmly on the back of her neck. I snake one arm around her and gently run my fingertips across one hardened nipple. She moans lightly and leans back into me. I kiss the back of her shoulder and gently nip her smooth skin with my teeth.
“I’m going to show you how much you mean to me, Katie. I’m going to make love to every inch of your beautiful body and taste all of you,” I speak my vow against her skin. “You’ve ruined me for anyone else.”
“Asher. Please. I’ve needed you so much,” she gasps.
“Lay on the bed, Katie. Let me see you.” She crawls up the bed and lays back on the pillows. Her hair fans out and in the moonlight her creamy skin is almost glowing. My angel. I pull the belt from my jeans while she watches with hooded eyes. I remove all my clothes and kneel on the bed, taking my time I begin by placing my mouth on the tops of her narrow feet. I make my way up her body, tasting as I go. When I reach the juncture of her thighs I rub my nose along her pussy and inhale the sweet smell that is distinctly hers. I take one swipe with my tongue and suck her clit into my mouth. Her hands grip the sheets beneath us. I use two fingers to part her wet folds and plunge my tongue inside her wet heat with no warning. I have no control over the moan that vibrates deep within my chest as I consume her. I’ve missed the smell and taste of her so badly that I feel drunk. Her body arches off the bed when I push two fingers inside of her and hit her sweet spot. Her thighs are shaking on either side of my head. I need her to cum on my tongue. I need to feel her orgasm on my lips. I suck her clit in and out of my mouth in a steady rhythm and don’t stop even when I feel her pussy squeeze my fingers. I keep tasting. I keep devouring her until she’s shouting my name and tugging violently at the bedding. She’s completely falling apart beneath me and it’s so fucking beautiful. I lick my lips and kiss the insides of her thighs before making my way up to her breasts. I take my time pulling each perfect pink nipple into my mouth. Her hands run up and down my back, her nails bite into my shoulders. My cock is dying to be inside her and I can’t wait any longer.
“Eyes on me, Katie.”
I nudge her thighs wider and place her arms above her head. My hand holds her wrists in place while the other grips her hip. Her eyelids are heavy and as her breath slows down I thrust slowly inside her, keeping my eyes on her as I bury myself inch by inch. Feeling her squeeze my dick, her slick channel sucking me in further and further until I bottom out is fucking heaven. The feel of her around me shatters my good intentions and I need her too damn bad to go slow. Every instinct within me screams to take, take, and take. I drive in and out, her sweetness dripping between us. I’m too close and haven’t had nearly enough of her. I roll onto my back and pull her on top of me. She guides herself back and forth along my length, her hands trail up her body and into her hair. She is completely lost in the moment. She folds her body down over mine and I pump up in fast brutal thrusts until I feel my release and hers.
“Dammit, Katie!”
“Asher, don’t stop. God, don’t stop. I love you!”
I pull her up and down my cock until her tremors subside. Her face remains buried in my neck, our hearts beat against one another.
“Look at me baby.”
She tucks her hair behind her ear and meets my stare.
“I love you, Katie. I love you so God damn much and I can’t exist without you.” She smiles up at me and gently presses her lips to mine. I roll us onto our sides so that we are facing each other.
“Where were you, Asher?”
I tell her about Second Chances and the detox program I enrolled in.
“I should have gone sooner Katie, I’m so sorry that I didn’t. I let us both believe that I would be okay.”
“I’m sorry too,” she says. “I should have tried harder to get you the help you needed.” She rests her head on my chest and I can feel the moisture from her eyes on my skin. “I was so scared Asher, I thought I’d lost you.”
“I’m here baby and I’m not going anywhere. I can’t promise that things will be perfect, and I have a long road ahead of me. But I will never stop fighting for us. For you.”
We talk about my counseling and the fact that I’ll be making the drive back there every two weeks for a group session and one on one. I explain my pit stop to check in on Rachel and Jenny.
“I’m proud of you Asher, I promised you before that we would figure everything out together, and we will. But there’s something you need to know and I would have told you sooner but I didn’t know how to get in touch and I didn’t want to tell yo
ur parents because I wanted to tell you fir-“
“Katie.”
“Yeah?”
“Tell me.”
She reaches for my hand and places it on her stomach. “I’m pregnant.” She’s looking at me expectantly but my brain is still trying to process what she just said.
“You’re pregnant? Right now?”
She laughs and smacks me in the arm. “Yes, right now!”
“I’m only a few months along,” she places her hand above mine. “Asher, please say something.”
“I’m gonna be a dad?” I can’t help that my vision blurs at the thought of Katie and I creating something so pure.
“Yeah, you’re gonna be a dad. Are you okay with that?”
Instantly I am no longer just protective of her and what we have together, I’m protective of the life inside her. Our child. I’m not naïve enough to think that we will never have bad days or that I won’t have a bad day. I’ll struggle from time to time, sometimes the nightmares will win and I won’t be able to control them. But knowing that I have Katie’s love and a living, breathing reminder of our love and devotion to each other in the form of an innocent child gives me hope. Hope that I can crawl out of the darkness that creeps in and back into the light. One year ago I didn’t have anything worth fighting for. And now I have all the reasons in the world.
Epilogue
Kate
A little over 3 years later…
“Lydia! Get back here right now!” I’m standing at the end of the produce aisle in Pete’s grocery store, doing my absolute best to not completely lose my ever loving mind. My precious, inquisitive three year old daughter is taking one single, adorable bite out of every apple she can reach and then putting them back neatly the way she found them. My child is Satan. There is no other way to describe her. I would chase after her and haul her ass out to the car but I am currently ten thousand years pregnant with our second daughter.