She looked over at Matthew from under long black eyelashes and said with a gleam of amusement in her eyes, “I won, you know. You reined in too soon.”
“If I had not, you would never have stopped. Did you think your horse could walk to the mainland?” Matthew asked with just a touch of irritation in his voice.
“I thought all you nonpareil horsemen were good sports. Another myth shattered,” she said saucily.
He could not help smiling at the flush of victory on her face. Her green eyes sparkled like the finest emeralds. She’d ridden hell bent for leather, and that air of reckless abandon excited him. He wondered if she put the same passion into other things she enjoyed—or might enjoy. He turned away. He could not look at her and not take her in his arms.
He was acting like a silly schoolboy. Surely he was past all that.
Julie dismounted and started walking up the beach. Matthew caught up with her. “Don’t walk so fast. We’ll need to start back soon before it gets dark.”
“Yes, I know, but it’s such a beautiful day. I wish it wouldn’t end so soon. Strange, but when I’m depressed, I have this need to go fast, to fly like a bird on the wind. What a pity I don’t have wings on a day like today.”
“If you had wings, you’d probably not want to be earthbound, and like Icarus you might fly too near the sun. If the way you ride is any indication,” he quipped.
“You’re probably right, but with the sun shining, the birds singing, and the wind in my hair, it’s hard not to wish,” Julie replied, her tone seemingly sad. She started to pick up her pace. “You’re right. We had better start back.”
“Could we wait just a moment? I have something I want to say to you.”
“We could talk on the way. I’ll slow the pace,” Julie said with just a hint of a smile.
Matthew took Julie’s arm and turned her to face him. “Juliana, I want to talk to you about the other night. It’s been bothering me. I want to tell you I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to take advantage of you. My only explanation for my conduct is that I had been drinking. I know it is not an excuse for my behavior. Since then my behavior has not been proper, and…I’m sorry.”
Her lovely mouth dropped open slightly.
“You seem surprised I would apologize. You don’t think much of me, do you? Or is it just men in general?” Matthew snapped.
“I hadn’t given you much thought, my lord, one way or the other,” she snapped back.
“I don’t know what it is, but when we come within ten feet of each other, we’re either knocking sparks off each other or making a feeling, a certain chemistry pass between us that’s as old as time.”
Julie didn’t respond. She continued walking as if he’d said nothing. Matthew caught up with her again and stepped in front of her, blocking her way. She refused to look at him. He lightly touched her face.
“Please don’t walk away from me, Julie. I want to talk to you, and I want you to talk to me. Tell me what you feel.”
“But I don’t want to talk to you. There’s too much talk. Words don’t mean anything. I’m tired of talking,” she said wearily. Julie sat down on the nearest rock and stared out at the ocean. She might love him, but she would never admit it to him. She had nothing to gain and everything to lose.
“Maybe you don’t want to talk, but I do. You can listen or not, but I’m going to say what I have to say. You can’t deny or pretend nothing happens when we meet. The woman I held in my arms that night felt what I did and returned that feeling. Are you going to sit there and tell me you didn’t feel an attraction? If so, I’ll be forced to call you a liar,” he said hotly.
“I don’t deny or confirm anything. Where there are men and women, there’ll always be lust. It comes and goes like the tides,” she said, slowly turning toward him. She instantly regretted her action. Feeling her face would betray her heart, she quickly turned her back to him again.
“If I felt only lust, I’d know what to do about it. You mean to tell me you felt nothing else?”
“We’d better start back if we want to be home before dark,” she said and started back down the beach.
She walked past Matthew, but as she did, he stepped in front of her and took her in his arms.
“Please, leave me alone. I don’t want your attentions. I don’t want to start something I can’t finish. What you’re feeling will soon pass, and we’ll be the same as before.”
“Not bloody likely!”
He claimed her lips with a kiss that set off a tingling in her toes and slowly numbed her will as it climbed its way up her body. She felt weak, she could not breathe, and she did not care. She could do nothing but melt into his arms and let him have his way. She had tried to fight a wildfire out of control and lost. She loved him, and she would take what he would give her and throw caution into the waves on the beach. Her skin burned as Matthew held Julie in the maelstrom of his kiss, and her will was replaced by unrelenting desire. She was locked in an unequal battle with Matthew. Was he friend or foe? Would he destroy her in the end?
“Julie, we have to talk. I want to make love to you, but not here and not in a hurry. I want to have all the time in the world to give every inch of you pleasure.”
Her hands trembled as she put them on her burning cheeks. She looked around in wide-eyed amazement. Her mind went blank. Her heartbeat pounded in her ears, making it hard to speak. “You mustn’t say those things to me. You can’t make love to me. I can’t. I need time to think. You’re confusing me.”
“Tonight when everyone has gone to sleep, come down to my study. We need to talk about you and me and about things…things that can’t be stopped, that are inevitable. I don’t want to be interrupted. I want to spend this time alone with you. Will you come?”
Dazed by a gamut of emotions, Julie nodded her head in agreement. She knew he would ask her to be his mistress. Shocked, she realized she might agree to whatever he asked of her. If he kissed her again, she would not be able to resist.
He wanted her, that was plain, and she could not deny that she wanted him. If she kept her pride and refused, she would keep her virtue and the misery of a life without him. She felt in her heart a short time with him would be a lifetime with another man. She looked at him and wanted to hate him, to find something to dislike, but she could find nothing. Just looking at him made her want him all the more.
They mounted their horses and rode back to the castle. Their silence continued until they reached the stable yard, then Matthew spoke. “Julie, you do love me? You’ll come to me tonight, anytime after midnight? We have so much to talk about. So much needs to be said.”
She nodded her head slightly and said softly, “Yes, I’ll be there.”
Julie went directly to her room. She asked that her dinner be sent to her, but when it arrived, she found she could not eat anything. She meant to go to their rendezvous, but she knew she could not trust herself to say no to him. She wanted him too much.
She could hear her Papa’s voice saying so clearly, “When you want something that much, you have to walk away from it. It’s wrong to want anything so badly.”
After packing a few things in her bandbox, she slipped down the back stairs. Her heart was heavy with regret as she looked back at the castle. She stopped halfway to the beach and almost turned to go back, but stubbornly she trudged forward. She kept telling herself she had to do the right thing, the only thing. She put her bandbox in the small skiff and bent to push off when she felt hands grab her from behind. Fear coated her limbs when she turned and looked into Matthew’s angry eyes.
She struggled, but he held her tightly in his grip. “Where are you going?” he asked through gritted teeth.
“Let me go! You can’t hold me a prisoner here!” Julie spat out at him while she delivered a swift kick to his shin.
Matthew let her go for a second, before he pulled her to him again. He then held her at arm's length without saying a word. To Julie’s surprise, he finally released her and moved several feet away. “Why?
” he whispered.
He sounded so hurt. It tore at Julie’s heart. “I can’t stay. I can’t be what you want me to be. I couldn’t be so close to you and say what I have to say. You confuse me. You make me want to do things I know I shouldn’t. I was almost willing to bear the shame. I’m sorry.”
Julie watched the hurt on his face turn to anger once more. If looks could kill, she would have died a thousand deaths. He walked toward her, and she felt fear paralyze her body.
“Just who do you think you are? My family is as good as any family in the whole of Britain! I fail to see what could be so shameful in being my wife.”
“W-wife? But I thought…”
“Yes, wife! What did you think I was offering you?”
“I-I thought you wanted me to be your m-mistress. I never once thought you meant marriage,” Julie said in a rush.
“You certainly have a high opinion of me. I want nothing more than to make you my wife and to love you. I want to take care of you, to cherish you as I never have another.”
“You never said otherwise. I know you’ve kept mistresses in the past, and Papa always said if a man isn’t married by the time he’s twenty-five, then he never will, or at least he’ll wait until he’s in his dotage. You know I’m penniless, and you still want to marry me?” Julie asked, stunned.
“Crazy, isn’t it, but true,” he said in mock seriousness. He continued, “Your father said a lot, and it gives me great pleasure to prove him wrong, unless, of course, you consider me in my dotage.”
“Oh no, dotage would be the last way I would describe you,” Julie insisted, feeling the heat rise to her face as she thought of his extremely fit body.
“I don’t care about your lack of money. I certainly have enough to keep us more than comfortable. If you’d come to my study, I would have properly asked you to marry me.”
“Well, I’m here, and you’re here, and there’s no one else around. If you still want me, I’m ready for a proper proposal.” She fervently hoped he still wanted her.
Matthew released her and bent down on one knee. He took her hand in his and cleared his throat.
“Miss Hastings, would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”
Julie wet her suddenly dry lips and tried to speak. She managed to say hoarsely, “Yes, my love.”
“Julie, one of the things we need to talk about is the war that’s coming. You’ve already guessed without much trouble that I’ve pledged myself to Prince Charles. In less than two weeks, we’ll surely be facing the English. I’m still working to get some of the other clansmen to back him, but they’re suspicious of me because I’ve traveled and spent so much time away from Scotland. If they hear I’ve married an Englishwoman, I’ll lose my credibility. Our marriage would have to be a secret until after the war.”
This is where he promises me marriage for my favors, Julie thought.
“Do you understand?”
“Yes, I’m beginning to think I do,” she said more calmly than she felt.
“I want to marry you and give you a proper time to have parties and get your trousseau together. I know these things are so important to a woman, but I haven’t the time. Please don’t think I mean to rush you, but I want to obtain a special license and marry you immediately. I’ll get a friend of mind to perform the ceremony, but it’ll have to be a secret with just the two of us and witnesses we can trust.”
Matthew gently rubbed her back. “I know you understand the dangers of war. I’ll be away from you much of the time, and there’s always the possibility I won’t return. If we lose, then we would have to leave the country quickly. Think carefully before you answer me again. Julie, will you marry me?”
Julie could not believe her ears. He really did ask her to marry him. He was worried about the niceties and the conventional trappings of a wedding and the war. Always there would be war.
“Oh Matthew, I would marry you tonight if we could.”
He laughed as he caught Julie in his embrace again. His lips claimed hers in a sensual caress. Julie returned his ardor freely. Drinking in his love and feeling his nearness to her, all of her senses were alive, and she savored the feeling washing over her like the waves on the beach.
Chapter Five
Filled with happiness, Julie looked forward to the next day. She resisted the urge to skip as she made her way to the dining room. She couldn’t wait to see Matthew, but Ian sat alone at breakfast. He smiled as she sat down.
“Good morning, Ian. Will your uncle be joining us?” Julie tried to ask as casually as she knew how.
“No, ma’am. He left early this morning.”
“Do you know where he was going or when he’ll be back?”
“He didn’t say. Uncle Matthew always comes and goes without telling us. Usually, he’s gone six or seven months,” Ian said without much interest.
Julie’s new world stopped spinning. She tried to compose her thoughts and stem her rising panic. The walls seem to press against her. She felt the same old feeling of desertion take over her mind. She prayed Matthew would not be like the other men in her life.
“Miss Hastings, is anything wrong? Are you not hungry?”
“No, Ian, my appetite seems to have left me. I must get some fresh air. I’ll meet you in the classroom.”
* * *
For four days Julie rushed through Ian’s lessons during the day. Once they were finished, she returned to her room where she sat trying very hard to read, but her mind kept straying to Matthew. She wondered where he could be and why he did not tell her he was leaving or when he would be returning. Perhaps the prince sent him a message, and he did not have the two weeks he’d thought, or maybe he just simply changed his mind.
While she read and reread the same page, she heard a scraping sound, and then a tapping noise coming from the wall panel near the fireplace. The panel flew open, and Matthew stepped out.
She put her hand to her mouth to stifle the scream that rose involuntarily in her throat. “Mercy, Matthew! You scared me senseless!”
Julie tried to catch her breath. Matthew knelt quickly in front of her and took her cold hands in his warm ones, warming more than her hands. Her heart beat faster just looking into his eyes.
“I’m sorry I frightened you. I was trying to think of a way to see you without being seen, and I remembered my grandfather telling me about a secret panel leading from his bedroom to the governess’s room. I tried for over an hour before I remembered how to work the panel. Once inside the opening, I followed the stairs until they came to a dead end. Amazingly, I tried the panel, and it opened,” he said brightly.
“Matthew, I’ve been so worried. You didn’t say you were leaving, and when I didn’t hear from you, I didn’t know what to think or do. Is everything all right?”
“Things couldn’t be better. I’ve got the special license,” he said, patting the breast pocket of his jacket. “My friend, an Episcopalian minister, will arrive tomorrow to perform the ceremony. He’s from a town in the lowlands, so no one will know. The old minister from the church in town is visiting his sister in Glasgow, so the church will be vacant. I’ve arranged with the caretaker to use it tomorrow. It will be the safest place for the ceremony. It is away from the shops so there will be no prying eyes or ears.”
“It seems you’ve thought of everything. Even so, can the caretaker be trusted?”
“I paid him enough. He had better keep his mouth shut if he knows what’s good for him,” Matthew stated quickly and just as rapidly dismissed the caretaker.
“Matthew, I want to be able to tell my cousin Hannah I’m married. I want everybody to know how happy I am,” Julie blurted out nervously.
“I know you do, and I do too. I want to show you off to my friends and take you to all the social affaires. I want to show you the world. You understand it’s impossible at this time, don’t you? Besides the obvious, if the war goes wrong and the king’s agents knew you were my wife, your life would not be safe.” Matthew took Julie in his arms.
“But when will we be able to announce that we’re married? I don’t like to keep secrets. And suppose…”
Julie meant to say, “Suppose I become pregnant,” but before she could finish, Matthew kissed away any doubts she might have. When he held her so close, she found she did not want to think. She only wanted his lips to go on teasing her, insistent and tender. She could hear his heart pounding in time with her own. She trembled, feeling his warmth surround her. Her arms came around his neck as she drew him closer. He ran his hand through her hair and undid the pins holding it in place.
“I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone or anything. Tomorrow you’ll be mine to love for all time. I want to make love to you the way a man was meant to love a woman.”
Julie reached up and touched his cheek with her hand. She looked into his eyes to see the love of a lifetime, and refused to question the trust she placed there. She did not harbor any doubt in her mind that this was love. A love for all time. A love that would last.
“I want you to take me now. Touch me, kiss me, give me the pleasure you’ve made me dream of. I want to show you how much I love you, and I want you to make me feel your love.”
“This wouldn’t be right for you. I don’t want you to have any regrets. It’s only one day more.”
She did not let go, but continued to gaze into his eyes. She felt his intensity, his control. He strained against her as they stood in the moonlight. He lowered his head and claimed her lips again.
One last kiss and he disappeared behind the panel.
* * *
Today was her wedding day. At last she had someone to love. Julie stretched catlike and reached for her wrapper without opening her eyes. A good-bye kiss and the emptiness of abandonment still lay heavy on her heart. She wanted him to be here, with her. She needed his assurance, but the cold dawn of reality told her if this was all she could have, then she would take it. His love she would never forget, no matter how many years she would live, and if possible throughout eternity.
Rumors Among the Heather Page 9