by Louise Bay
I stood up. She was right. The chair was very uncomfortable. “I’ll be in the living room if you need something. Get some sleep.” I closed her bedroom door, trying to create some space, a barrier between us.
The next morning I woke to the smell of coffee.
“Hey, sleepyhead,” Millie said from behind the counter as I sat up on the sofa. “What can I get you for breakfast?”
I checked my watch. It was almost eight. I climbed off the couch. She’d never offered me breakfast before.
“I could cook something, or we could go out.” she said. She was showered and ready for the day.
“I need to get going. Are you feeling okay? Are you going to go to the doctor today?” I asked.
“Yeah, I think so. I’m sure they’ll say it’s normal. Are you sure you can’t stay?”
“I’m sure. Do you want me to come with you?” I checked my cell. I’d missed a call from Haven and I badly wanted to hear her voice.
Millie was pouting, probably annoyed that I hadn’t taken her up on breakfast. She had to understand that we weren’t together. This was about the baby, not her and me. “I’ll be fine.”
I glanced around to see if I’d left anything but I hadn’t really brought anything. “I’m going to get off. Call me when you’ve spoken to the doctor.”
Haven
I wanted to look good for Jake. Tonight was the wrap party for Sandy Fox’s first feature film, and it would be fun to dress up a little. I zipped up the red dress that I’d worn in Paris, checked myself out in the mirror and then changed my mind. I needed something a little more . . . I knew just the thing. I quickly removed the Paris dress and changed my bra for what I called my magic-boob bra. I’d only worn it twice and one of those times had been in the changing room when Ash and I were shopping. When she’d seen me, her eyes had gone wide as saucers and she’d told me she thought she’d turned gay. I needed a little bit of magic tonight. The bra and my black, scoop-necked dress would keep his attention. I hoped.
Jake and I had spent too much time figuratively surrounded by Millie this week, and I wanted us to spend an evening where it didn’t feel as if she was invited. It wasn’t that it had been strained between us; it was just that there was an elephant in the room, overshadowing every one of our exchanges. We were being careful with each other. I was always trying to say the right thing, which was almost impossible for me.
Millie had called every day since her scare on Sunday night. It seemed as though she was making excuses to speak to him, but Jake didn’t seem to think she was being overly demanding and I hadn’t said anything. The doctor had said that the spotting was normal and nothing to worry about, apparently, so there didn’t seem to be a real reason to keep calling.
I could tell Jake was relieved by the doctor’s reassurance and of course, he should be. I just wasn’t sure I was and I hated myself for it. What I didn’t want to do was end up pushing Jake away. I wanted to feel as if we had a shot. It was supposed to be easy this early on in a relationship. Weren’t we still meant to be in the phase where one look between us would lead to me being, quite literally, tied to the bed?
I needed to try to not overthink things. I had no right to be demanding. I certainly couldn’t stake a claim over and above Jake’s baby-mama. We hadn’t made any promises to each other. It wasn’t as if we were moving in together and getting married, so there was no reason for me to be overly concerned with someone who Jake was clear he’d never been serious about. It was just . . . I was serious about him.
“You look amazing,” Jake said as his eyes dropped to my chest when I opened the door. I mentally thanked the magic-boob bra.
“It’s black. Ash would kill me. She’s always trying to make me wear color.”
“It’s a very sexy dress,” he said.
“Yeah?”
“And the shoes . . . you know what happens to you when you wear heels like that.”
I couldn’t stop the corners of my mouth from twitching. I was hoping he’d notice the shoes. They had been a deliberate choice.
“You like the idea of me being hard for you all night, watching you walking around in those things?” He moved toward me and cupped the back of my neck with his hand, pulling me closer to him.
“I wonder how long it will take before Sandy makes a pass at you.”
“Don’t talk to me about her when I’m ready against your stomach like this,” he said. “I don’t want to think about another woman. You’re all I need.”
I slid my hands up his back and smiled. “That’s good to hear, Mr. Harrison, because these heels can be sharp as well as sexy.”
He dropped a kiss on my lips.
“Are we getting a cab there?” I asked, pulling away from him slightly.
“I’ve brought the fuckmobile as you like to call it.”
“Well, I can predict it will get you laid tonight,” I said.
“Can we stay in? My balls are already blue.”
I laughed and grabbed his shoulder. “Come on. It will be good to go out. You need to blow off some steam.”
“I was thinking we could stay in to do that,” he said, pausing as we hit the fresh air.
“We don’t have to be out long. We should raise a glass to your father’s successful surgery.” Beth had called from Chicago to say that their dad was out of the woods and should be home within a week. One thing down.
“Yeah, we should. But can we have one drink and then leave?”
I rolled my eyes.
“Harry!” Sandy screamed as soon as she saw my boyfriend. As usual, she wrapped herself around him in a way that made an eye roll from me compulsory. Jake raised his eyebrows as if to say, I told you we should have stayed at home. I’d reward him for that later. “I’m so pleased you made it.”
“Hi, Sandy,” I said.
“Oh, hi,” she said, her eyes wide with surprise. She took in his arm around my waist. I saw the exact moment the penny dropped. “Are you two together?” she asked.
“We are and we’re grateful to you for playing matchmaker,” Jake said, as smooth as ever.
“Well, congratulations. I’m going to take credit and I fully expect to be a bridesmaid. Catch you later, I must mingle,” she said as she spun off into the crowd.
I wanted not to react to what she’d said about bridesmaids, but I couldn’t stop my muscles from stiffening. Jake and I didn’t need more pressure.
Jake rubbed my back. “Don’t freak out,” he whispered in my ear.
Again, he’d managed to climb inside my head and catch what was worrying me, almost before I knew myself. “You know horse whisperers?” I asked.
“Okay, I’m going to go with this bizarre segue. Yeah, I know what a horse whisperer is.”
“You’re a Haven whisperer.”
“I’m not trying to tame you,” he replied.
“I know. You just know what I need.”
Jake squeezed me closer to him, and the half of my body pressed to his was at least ten degrees hotter. It was how I liked it. Perhaps we would be okay after all.
“Want to come with me to search for office space tomorrow?” he asked after a few beats of silence.
“I’m working. Are you searching for Elemental Energy?”
He nodded. “Eric will need somewhere to base himself when he gets here next week. He’s the type who won’t know what time of day or night it is; he’ll just work. I can’t have him in the apartment, or Beth will go nuts. I’m seeing some places near Bank. Can you meet me for lunch?”
Jake grabbed two glasses of champagne from a passing waiter and handed one to me.
“So are you working all weekend?” I asked.
“No, I’m hanging out with you,” he replied.
I grinned. “What do you want to do?”
He bent his head to my neck and nipped at my skin. “You know what I want to do.”
“You’re insatiable,” I said pushing him away. “No PDAing.”
“That’s your fault. I take no responsibi
lity. But actually, I think Beth might be on to something with the moving thing. Do you want to come and apartment hunt with me as well?”
“Wow,” I said, taking a sip of my champagne. “You’ve given in to Beth. I thought you might.”
“Well she’s right. I want somewhere bigger, and then maybe you can stay, and perhaps at some point move in, and then if things with the baby . . . you know. I need more room.”
I kept my eyes steady on his face as he watched me for a reaction.
“Are you freaking out?” he asked when it became obvious that I was finding it difficult to find any words.
I wanted to fling my arms around him. The thought of a future with him sounded good, amazing even. But before I could let myself get excited, reality broke through. I didn’t want him to think that he needed to make me feel better when he was dealing with Millie, his father being sick and his concerns about Beth. “I think you have a lot going on at the moment with your dad and the baby and Elemental Energy. We don’t need to rush anything.”
“It doesn’t have to be straight away, but I want a place that is about my future and not my past, and I see my future with you.”
He insisted on saying exactly the right thing at the right time. Maybe we just needed to focus on us and the rest would fall into place. “What are we doing at this stupid party?” I asked and I pulled his tie toward me and gave him a kiss.
“Hey, no PDAing,” he teased.
We hadn’t stayed long with the cast and crew before Jake dragged me out and back into the fuckmobile for the journey home. His phone vibrated against the dashboard.
“Can you see who that is?” he asked, his hand on my knee.
I grabbed his phone and my heart sank. “It’s Millie.” Of course it was.
He frowned but didn’t say anything.
“How has she been since the scare?” She was going to be the mother of his child and I wanted to be sympathetic.
“Fine, I think. But you never know with her. The ultrasound will make her feel better, I think. She’s going next week.”
“And you’re really not going?”
“She wants to go with her sister.”
Perhaps I was being overly suspicious, but it seemed odd that she called him regularly, getting him to come over in the middle of the night, but she didn’t want him at the scan? Wishful thinking perhaps.
“Oh yes, you said. Why do you think she’s calling?”
“I don’t know. She knows I’m out tonight. I’ll call her when we’re back.”
“Did you tell her you were going to the wrap party?”
“Yeah. I told her this morning when I spoke to her.”
Jake seemed distracted for the rest of the journey. The desire to get each other naked faded with every mile.
We pulled up outside my flat and I wondered if he was planning to stay over. We’d been spending every possible moment together, but Millie had the ability to interrupt our time no matter where she was. I was relieved when he parked as usual and got out. We walked up the steps to my flat in silence.
“You should call her back,” I said.
“I will. Do you want me to do it out here?” That carefulness between us returned. I wanted this to be easier than it was.
“Not unless you want to.”
“I have nothing to hide.” He seemed so tense and I didn’t know if it was Millie or me who was causing it.
“I know.” I tried to sound reassuring.
He stayed in the living room while I went through to my bedroom to change. I kicked off the shoes Jake had promised to fuck me in earlier. What a difference a phone call had made.
He came through not long after. I was still sitting on the bed, and for a moment, I thought perhaps he’d come to make good on his promise.
“I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to go,” he said as he came in. His shoulders were rounded and he seemed smaller.
“Is everything okay?”
“She’s not feeling well. Her sister’s not there again, and she wants some things from the pharmacy.”
I nodded. What could I say? He was trying to do the right thing.
“I’ll make this up to you. We can spend the whole weekend together.”
I stood and walked him to the door. He turned briefly, kissed me and was gone.
Left on my own, I called Luke, but he went to voicemail, so I tried Ash.
“Hey, thought you were at the wrap party?” she answered.
“We were until we decided to come home early to get naked, and then on the way home Millie interrupted . . .”
“Again?”
“Don’t say it like that. But yeah, again. Who else is she going to get to run around after her? He knocked her up. I understand it. I just don’t like it.”
“Just because she’s pregnant doesn’t mean he’s at her beck and call,” Ash said.
“Well it kind of does, I guess. And then when the baby’s born . . .” My voice started to waiver.
“Are you okay?”
“It’s just so unfair. I finally start to see a future with someone. Someone who seems to feel the same way and then Millie comes crashing into the middle of it all.”
“You think she’s deliberately trying to come between you?”
“I don’t know. But whether or not it’s deliberate, it’s having the same effect. I want to tell him I think she’s being unreasonable and overly demanding and that she’s clearly trying to win him back, but I can’t do that without putting him in an impossible position. So I’m faking it—pretending it doesn’t bother me. And that’s everything we weren’t supposed to be. He saw through to the real me in the way that only you and Luke do. I’m not supposed to be able to hide things from him.”
“God, you really like him. I hadn’t realized how much. It’s not just about his huge dick.”
I snorted, half laugh, half cry. I did really like him. That’s what was so terrifying.
“I’m sure it will get better. Hasn’t Beth set him straight on this?” Ash asked.
“She’s in Chicago. And on top of the baby thing and Millie, his father is sick and I know he’s worried about Beth. And his business needs his attention. It’s too much for one person and there’s nothing I can do to help. I think that, even if it’s not right now, soon I’ll just be another obligation for him. He has enough of those already.” Saying it out loud made the impossibility of it all more real. My chest tightened. We were fighting a losing battle, weren’t we?
“I think you should worry about one thing at a time. The guy is crazy for you. You’re not an obligation. He’s having a tough time. Things will resolve themselves.”
“I know you’re trying to be nice, but how exactly? When the baby’s born things will only get more complicated. I can’t see how this is going to work out. Shit, I have another call coming in.” I checked the screen. “Do you mind if I take it? It’s Jake.”
“Of course not, as long as you promise me you won’t make any rash decisions.”
“I promise,” I said before I hung up.
“Hey, sorry were you sleeping?” Jake said.
“No, on the phone to Ash.”
“Oh dear, am I on the bad boyfriends list? I’m really sorry about tonight.”
“Don’t worry, it’s fine,” I lied. “Where are you now?”
“I’m at Millie’s. She seems okay. She’s nervous, it being her first baby and everything. I was reading somewhere that’s natural.”
It was such an uncomfortable conversation. Talking to my boyfriend about his ex-girlfriend’s pregnancy. I finally wanted to get close to someone and there was this huge space between us.
“I’m sure that’s right. Are you going to stay like last time?” I hated that he’d slept over there before. I’d believed him when he’d said he was on the sofa, but him being there overnight didn’t seem right.
Maybe he caught something in my voice. Perhaps he saw what I was truly thinking because I couldn’t have been happier about his response. “No. I
don’t want that to become a pattern. Do you want me to come back over when I’m done here?”
Of course I wanted him to come back to me. “No, you’re just round the corner from home.” I didn’t want to be the person he was with when Millie didn’t need him. I wanted to be the person he put first. “You should stay at your place tonight. You have a lot going on.”
“Haven?”
“Yes?”
“No running from me, I mean it.”
Was I running? I felt the distance, but I was standing still. “I’m exactly where you left me.”
“I’m sorry. This will get better.”
“Get some sleep,” I said. Although it was the last thing I wanted to do, maybe for once in my life, walking away would be the right thing.
Jake
It felt weird to wake up on my own. Recently I’d either been with Haven or I’d woken to Beth crashing about outside my room, which at least meant I’d got an early start on my day.
I was going to make it up to Haven this weekend. Millie’s sister was back so hopefully I wouldn’t get any phone calls interrupting my time with Haven and we could just hang out together. Naked.
“I’ll take the Lombard Street one,” I said to the realtor. I’d seen three office spaces and was on my fourth. I didn’t want to spend any more time on this. I had enough to do. “You’re sure we can be in straight away?” Eric was arriving from California this weekend.
“As soon as you sign the contract, I can give you the keys. If you get yourself a coffee next door, I’ll go and get the paperwork and we can go through it all now.”
“Great.” It felt as though I was making progress on the future¸ or the part of it I had any control over. If I started looking at new apartments with Haven, perhaps that would help me feel as though my personal life was on track, too.
My cell buzzed in my pocket. I couldn’t wait to tell Haven I’d found somewhere, but it was Millie. Tension pulled at my chest. I was irritated that she was calling and at the same time concerned something might be wrong. I accepted the call.
“Hey, Harry. Your baby kept me up all night.”