by Louise Bay
Monday morning meetings got less painful as time passed since I’d last seen Jake in the chair opposite me.
After Robert rejected my article about women in the tech industry, I’d fallen back into line and he’d approved my research of the rise of the use of Botox. Perfect. I’d asked Emily to take the lead on it and she was excited. It was nice to have someone at work who wasn’t openly hostile to me.
“Haven, can I have five minutes?” Robert asked at the end of the meeting.
I nodded, gathered up my pad, pen and diet Coke and followed him to his office.
“The elite dating article has been really well received, Haven. Well done,” he said as he closed his office door behind him. “And on top of the Sandy Fox piece, I think the features we’ve had over the last six months have been excellent.”
“That’s great. I’m really pleased.” Why did it feel as though I was about to get fired?
“I spoke to Carole at the weekend.”
I took a deep breath.
“She’s not coming back from maternity.”
My palms were beginning to sweat. I fiddled with the cap of my diet Coke in an attempt to distract myself from what Robert was about to say.
He smiled. “And I’d like you to be my new deputy editor.”
My heart pounded through my chest but I wasn’t sure it was with joy and excitement. “I . . . I don’t know what . . . I wasn’t expecting . . .” What was my problem? Hadn’t I been working up to this moment since I joined Rallegra?
Robert laughed. “Take a breath. I don’t want you passing out on me. Don’t say anything to anyone at the moment. I’ve asked human resources to do the paperwork. It’s a significant uplift in salary, and you’ll be eligible for a bonus. But then, it’s never been about the money with you, has it?”
I shook my head. “Thank you. I’m just a little overwhelmed.”
“You’re great at your job, Haven. You deserve this. Now get out of here.”
I went back to my desk in a bit of a trance. I collected my phone from my bag and headed out to the stairwell, dialing Luke’s number before I reached the door.
“Can you talk?” I asked as he answered.
“Of course. What’s going on?”
“I just got offered the deputy editorship.”
“What? That’s incredible. Congratulations. Did it just happen?”
“Yeah, Robert just told me.”
“It’s what you’ve been wanting since you got there. I’m so proud of you. We should celebrate. You, me and Ash. Are you free this evening?”
For some reason I didn’t want to celebrate. I didn’t feel excited or even relieved. I felt uncomfortable. My mind kept drifting to Jake and the person I was with him. The person I was able to be with him. That person wasn’t the Haven who existed at Rallegra.
“It’s Monday. And you haven’t seen Emma all weekend. She’ll kill you.”
“She won’t care, and she’s working late anyway.”
“Okay, but can we stay in and celebrate?” I didn’t want to run the risk of seeing Jake again, and however unlikely that was in a city of eight million people, I needed to remove all possibilities. I had to create a world without Jake, because if he didn’t exist it might just be possible to live without him. I’d learned to live without my parents because I’d had to. I could do the same with Jake.
Jake
“Who are you calling?” Beth asked.
“Millie,” I replied.
“What the hell, why?”
“I’ve not heard from her for two weeks. What if something’s happened with the baby? She’s not picking up any of my calls.”
“I’m sure you would be the first to know if there was anything serious. She’s probably trying to con some other ex into thinking it’s his baby. She clearly wanted to get married, and saw getting knocked up as a short cut.”
“She’s not as bad as you think she is.”
“What? She’s awful. You know that.”
“Listen, my kid has half her genes, so you need to lay off. I might not want to marry her or spend time with her, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want her to answer. Anything could have happened.”
“Have you thought about getting in contact with Haven?” Beth asked, changing the subject.
I tossed my phone on the kitchen counter. “I’m giving her what she wants,” I said simply.
“But now your relationship with Millie is different. You’re not asking her how high when she tells you to jump—”
“Beth . . .”
“You can’t deny that’s what you were doing.”
“I was trying to do the right thing.”
I didn’t want to hear anymore. I stalked into my bedroom, and decided to take a shower. I wanted to wash Haven from my mind. It had been over a month since I’d last seen her, and she still interrupted every thought I had. I was constantly mentally tracking what she might be doing, who she might be speaking to, where she might be, whether or not she was at all affected by our breakup. Had she just managed to walk away? Maybe she hadn’t told me she loved me because she didn’t. But I didn’t think that was it. There seemed something impermanent about her absence. Something deep inside me told me I’d find her again.
As I stepped out of the shower, I wrapped a towel around my waist and checked my phone. No response from Millie. It was unsurprising. She was sending me a warning that she controlled access to her, and no doubt that would be the case when the baby arrived, too. I was a fool for ever having anything to do with Millie, let alone sleeping with her. I needed to resolve this and come to an amicable arrangement with her. I didn’t want my child to become a pawn in Millie’s twisted games.
I dressed quickly in my running gear and grabbed my keys and trainers.
“I’m going for a run,” I said to Beth as I stepped out of my bedroom.
“I thought you just had a shower,” she replied.
I pulled the door shut behind me. It was starting to drizzle, despite the heat, so it would get dark quickly. My feet began to hit the pavement in a familiar rhythm as I headed toward Millie’s apartment. The traffic was heavy for Sunday night. Everyone was pouring back into London after their weekends away. The rain kept the pavements clear and I was able to focus on my breathing and my steps for a minute before Haven drifted back into my mind. She’d have Sunday dinner with Luke and Ash. I wondered if she’d started dating again. Had someone else kissed her? More? I couldn’t stop the roar exploding from the back of my throat. She couldn’t be someone else’s future when she was mine. I couldn’t imagine that being apart from her was forever. Perhaps that was why I hadn’t fought for her as Beth had urged me to. When Haven left, I’d assumed we’d find our way back to each other. But it had been too long. Not being with her was slowly killing me. I picked up the pace and my muscles started to burn.
It wasn’t far to Millie’s, so I took a long route, weaving through gardens and around squares. As I got nearer, the streets filled with restaurants, their windows and doors open to let in some air. People sat outside under awnings despite the rain. My mind drifted to Haven again. Could she be in one of these restaurants, outside at one of these tables? No, it was Sunday. She would be with Ash and Luke. Unless she had a date. I started scanning heads of the strangers I passed, waiting to see a shock of blonde hair. I saw one, but then the hair was too short to be Haven. Then another, but then she turned and it wasn’t her. As I rounded the next corner, there was a group of girls sitting outside, but no blondes. As I looked away, something familiar caught my eye. I glanced back. Millie. I stopped suddenly. She hadn’t seen me, but I could see her very clearly. Anger crashed through me. She was smoking, in between taking swigs from her wine glass. What the fuck?
The street started to spin and I rested my hands on my knees, catching my breath. I took several deep gulps of air and then adrenaline took over. I strode over to her table and slammed my hands down. Glasses tumbled over left and right. “What the fuck are you doing?” I shouted. Hor
ror spread across her face before giving way to fury.
“Fuck off,” she screamed at me.
I grabbed her elbow and pulled her out of her seat and up the street, away from the restaurant. She was squirming and twisting her arm, breaking free of my grasp.
“Jesus, I knew you were selfish but this—”
“Let go of me. Fuck off, Harry.”
My vision was tinged red and my blood felt hot in my veins. “How fucking dare you. You are carrying a child. You are harming our baby.”
She struggled against me again. “There is no baby, you idiot!” she screamed.
I dropped her elbow. “What?” I asked softly.
“You heard me. I’m not pregnant.” She ran her fingers under her eyelashes and straightened her skirt.
The red mist cleared and my heart felt heavy. “You lost it?” I said. “I don’t know what to say . . .”
“Whatever,” Millie said as she waved her hand between us.
“What do you mean ‘whatever’? This is awful. I should have been there.” I scanned her face, trying to think what I could do to make this right.
“Christ, you’re naïve.” She turned and headed back to the restaurant. I hurried alongside her, finally stepping in front of her so she had to stop.
“Millie. What’s going on? What are you talking about? I can understand if you’re upset with—”
“Don’t you get it? I was never pregnant! I haven’t lost the baby. It never existed. Now fuck off. I don’t want to see you again.” She tried to move around me but I grabbed her upper arms.
I wanted to look her straight in the eyes but she kept turning her face left and right. Anything to avoid my stare. “Are you telling me you lied about being pregnant with my baby?”
“I exaggerated,” she said.
“How can a person exaggerate being pregnant? It seems fairly binary to me.”
I felt her relax against me. “I was never pregnant. I just thought that I could be quickly if I could get you back for a few weeks and—”
I let her go and shoved my hands through my hair. “Who are you?” My head was spinning. I couldn’t quite believe what she was saying.
“I’m practical. We would have been good together. We make a good couple.”
“You really have no idea, do you?”
She shrugged.
“And you don’t even have the good grace to be embarrassed about it.” I shook my head.
“Embarrassed about doing something women have done for centuries? It’s life.”
“You are poison,” I said as I turned away from her and started walking.
“Good riddance,” she shouted. “You didn’t know a good thing when you had it.”
She was wrong about that. I’d always known what I had with Haven.
Haven
It had taken longer than expected for human resources to produce the paperwork for my promotion. It had been two weeks, but Robert had handed it to me after our Monday morning meeting. Now I held the thick envelope in my hands, I was frightened to open it. This was where I had to sign up to the next phase of my career, but it felt bigger than that. It felt as if I was choosing my future. This promotion was exactly what I’d been working toward for so long, so shouldn’t it feel better? Shouldn’t I be more excited? Instead it felt like a move backward.
I took the envelope and headed to the back stairs. I waited for the door to shut behind me then sat on a step, opened the sticky seal and pulled out its contents.
I carefully read the letter addressed to me. This was it. My start date was at the beginning of next month. It showed my salary increase and my bonus and new title: Deputy Editor. All I had to do was to sign the letter and send it back to human resources. Easy, right?
My bun was loosening and I swept my fingers across my head, trying to push everything back where it should be. It made it worse. I put the papers on the step next to me and reached behind me, pulling out the pins so I could start the bun again.
I took a deep breath. Maybe I wouldn’t put them back. Maybe I was sick of wearing my hair like this. It just didn’t feel like me anymore. I had managed to be myself with Jake, and he’d liked me, wanted to be with me, respected me. He’d seen the person I wanted to be, the person he believed I was in my heart. I so desperately wanted to be her all the time and not the uptight imposter who worked at Rallegra.
I slipped the pins into my skirt pocket and combed my fingers through my hair. I started to sift through the rest of the paperwork. There were details of bonus plans and healthcare programs. A leaflet for a gym. There was a pressure on my chest, a tightness . . . as if my body was trying to warn me. Everything felt wrong. I wanted to call Jake. I wanted him to explain what I was feeling. He would understand. He knew every inch of me. I wanted him to tell me I was going to make the right decision. It was as if I was being led toward a one-way street and if I took the first step, there would be no going back. Right now was where I got to decide the rest of my life.
But of course I couldn’t call Jake. I’d given him up. My throat started to constrict, so I took a deep breath and stood up. I’d spent a lot of energy not crying over Jake. I wasn’t about to waste that now. I could only change what was in my power to control.
I gathered the papers together, slid them back into the envelope and headed back inside. I needed to decide who I was going to be—Rallegra Haven, or the woman I knew I could be.
“Champagne, as requested,” Ash said as she pulled out a bottle from her bag and set it on my kitchen counter.
“You’re one in a million. There aren’t many girlfriends who would turn up on short notice on a Monday night with a bottle of champagne just because they were asked.”
“What can I say? I always do as I’m told. Anyway, what’s going on? I take it there is a reason I’m here with posh booze and you’ve just not told me.”
“Let’s wait until Luke arrives. He shouldn’t be long. Are you okay with him being here?”
She playfully pushed my shoulder. “Of course I am. You know I adore that man. I’m just trying to do stuff that doesn’t always involve him. I’m creating a little space for someone else,” she said resolutely.
“Talking of someone else. Have you been playing doctors and nurses with your new love interest?”
Before she could answer, we were interrupted by the sound of Luke crashing through my hallway.
“How are my two favorite girls?” he asked as he appeared in the kitchen doorway. “I brought champagne as requested.”
“So what are we celebrating?” Ash asked.
“Okay, so someone get one of these bottles open,” I said as I reached into the cupboard and pulled out three glasses. “Luke, I want you to keep an open mind about what I’m going to tell you.”
“Oh my God, are you a lesbian?” Ash asked and immediately started laughing. Luke poked her and she squealed.
“Seriously, people,” I said and they both turned their attention from each other to me. “Okay, so Rallegra is a good job and everything. And this promotion is a great opportunity.”
Ash nodded as she poured champagne into the three glasses. “Go on,” she said.
“And I don’t want you to think that I’m ungrateful or anything,” I said, looking at Luke. My throat tightened. I really hoped Luke wasn’t angry with me.
“What do you mean ‘ungrateful’?” he asked.
“You know, for everything that you’ve done for me. For giving up your dreams of cooking and going to law school instead. I don’t want to let you down.”
“Haven, what are you talking about? I wanted to be a lawyer. I wanted to be a chef too, but I had to choose. I could earn more money being a lawyer. No dreams were sacrificed.”
“You didn’t want to be a chef?”
“I thought about it, sure. And of course Mum and Dad dying probably meant I took the more conservative choice but, as much as I’d like to be your hero here, I didn’t choose for you. I chose for me.”
I had to steady mys
elf against the counter. Was he serious? I’d carried this guilt around for a decade, pushing myself to make my brother proud, to ensure his sacrifice hadn’t been for nothing.
“What’s going on? You’re freaking me out. What’s happened?” Luke asked.
My heart sped up and my mouth dried. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to get the words out. I took a deep breath and smoothed back my hair, twisting it as if I were about to put it into a bun, then I dropped it. “I told Robert I didn’t want the promotion.”
“Oh my God,” Ash said.
“And I resigned,” I said, staring into my champagne glass, butterflies fluttering in my stomach, some of them excitement about my future and some nervousness about the reactions of those I loved.
“Oh my God,” Luke and Ash chorused.
“What happened and why? And are you okay . . .” Ash sounded worried.
“I stopped loving it. I used to be proud to tell people I worked at Rallegra. I’m not quite sure if I’m not as proud of it anymore, or if it’s just not important what people think. I just don’t get the same pleasure from saying where I work. And more importantly, they’re not interested in running the kinds of stories that I want to write. I’m not sure they ever were. I kidded myself into thinking I would change things as I got promoted, but that’s never going to happen. If I ever got Robert’s job, I’d have to turn down articles about sexism in the workplace in favor of botched plastic surgery. That’s what the readers want. And I think I’ve decided that I’m not a Rallegra reader.”
“I never thought you were,” Luke said.
“Are you mad?” I asked.
“Why would you think I’d be mad?”
“Well, you had a successful sister up until about two hours ago. And I could never have done it if it hadn’t been for you.”
“I couldn’t be more proud of you, Haven,” Luke said. “You are kind and thoughtful and loyal. I don’t give a shit what you do for a living. I want you to be happy. I didn’t make any grand sacrifice when I chose law over cooking. I don’t know how you’ve tricked yourself into believing that. I wanted to make sure you were safe and secure but I wanted to make sure I was safe and secure, too. If Mum and Dad hadn’t died, maybe I would have been a chef, but that’s about me, not you. I’m sorry you ever felt any pressure to do anything because of choices I made.”