I’ve changed into my zebra-print flannel PJs and covered my legs with a fuzzy pink blanket. While I was changing, Maddie rummaged through the cupboards to find her favourite tortilla chips. She threw them into a bowl and opened a package of guacamole. Now we’re snuggled together on opposite ends of the couch.
After my third macaron and a few slugs of decadent red wine, I’m living up to my half-French origins and high on sugar. I just know the crash will be brutal.
I take a deep breath to steady myself before I start talking. “Well, Jonathan’s being called to testify against one of his clients in a criminal trial, and Jake’s in serious financial trouble. Oh, and I’m going to be leaving for Shanghai in the middle of it all.”
“Oh my god,” says Maddie. “I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you, Clementine. Why didn’t you call me? We could have FaceTimed.”
“I didn’t want to bother you.” I take another sip of wine. I’m leaving out the worst details — about sexual assault and loan sharks — for the moment.
“I’m sorry to hear Jonathan is going through that. And Jake, too. But they’re both resourceful. They’ll get through it.” She gives me a reassuring smile. I nod back gratefully.
“And please, don’t worry about China, okay? You’re putting way too much pressure on yourself. You’ll do amazingly well, I just know it. And you’re going to have a blast over there! Shanghai is so much fun! I promise you won’t even miss New York while you’re there.” She flashes me a big grin, as if she knows something I don’t.
It could be the wine, but part of me believes she’s right that I might not even miss New York.
And that might be the real reason I’m feeling so sad.
“So here’s my idea,” I say to Maddie while she rinses out the chip bowl.
“I’m all ears.”
“I’m thinking of asking my dad to represent Jake’s skirt collection at his shop. Selling some of his items in Paris would help him out big time.”
Maddie stands on tippytoe to put away the dishes. “That’s a really sweet thought, Clementine …”
I purse my lips. “I sense a but coming …”
“Yes, there’s a but. Mixing family, friends, and money is never a good idea. What if things turn sour? Do you really want to go down that road?”
“I’ve told my dad all about Jake’s collection before, and he seemed really impressed with Jake’s work. He even asked to see samples.”
“Of course he’s interested. Your dad is forward-thinking, and lots of things about Jake’s work are very impressive. But Jake is just starting out, and he hasn’t finished his degree yet. He may lack the experience to launch so quickly. You don’t want him to crash and burn.”
She dims the kitchen lights. To me, it feels as though she’s dimming Jake’s future. My heart sinks. The last thing I want is for him to crash and burn. Coming face to face with the voice of reason is tough.
She can tell I’m deflated. “I know he’s very talented, and I know how much he means to you. I’m just not sure it’s a good idea, that’s all. And you know how demanding your father can be.”
“True.” My dad is a perfectionist. Although I doubt there would be serious problems, I guess you never know for sure. But the skirt Jake created for me is spectacular — almost the quality of haute couture.
“Wait till you see the gorgeous silk taffeta skirt he made me. Here, look.” I pull out my phone to show her a picture.
“Wow, that really is beautiful,” Maddie says, removing her glasses to inspect the photo up close. I suspected the photo might change her mind! “You’re a good friend to Jake. I shouldn’t rain on your parade. Go for it, if you’re sure.” She kisses me on the cheek, yawns, and waves goodnight as she disappears into her room.
I start texting Jake immediately, excited to share my plan. I’ll take hope and positivity over doubt any day. Right now, any small amount of hope will do.
Hey are you still up?
Of course. I hardly sleep these days. What’s up buttercup?
I have a plan …
Ok … not sure I like the sound of that. Does it involve some kind of questionable scheme? Cuz I’m not sure I could deal with that — far too much on the line
No funny business! It’s simple actually: I think you should create a capsule collection of skirts to sell at my dad’s store in Paris
For a moment, nothing happens in our chat. I imagine the look of surprise on his face, and this puts a huge smile on mine.
WHAAAT? Paris? OMG that would be a dream! Did your father agree to it???
Not yet, but I’m sure he will. He loves what you do
WOWZA!!!
I switch over to FaceTime. When his face appears, it fills the whole screen. He’s grinning and cheering.
“Clementine, you really are the best! How can I ever repay you?”
“How about you start by repaying your debts, once you get some sales? When it’s all done, you can buy me dinner at the Russian Tea Room.”
“That sounds marvelous,” he says in a hoity-toity accent. “Thank you so much, Clemy.” I detect a tear of joy in the corner of his eye. Just seeing him this happy improves my outlook on life.
Chapter Fourteen
THEY SAY YOUR outer circumstances reflect your inner ones. Judging by the pile of clothes scattered on my bed, I’d say that couldn’t be more accurate. I’m frazzled by the tsunami of news that’s hit me over these last few weeks, and Henry’s video keeps replaying in the back of my mind. So I’m doing what any fashion student would in an effort to relax: I’m packing outfits for Shanghai.
Everybody’s been saying how much fun the city is, with its cool restaurants, clubs, and cafés, so I do need some funky clothes. Thankfully, Jake has come over to help.
He’s sitting on my tufted pink chair sipping iced coffee, while old J.Lo songs play on my iPad. It’s Saturday morning, and Maddie’s at her yoga class. Thank god, because she needs to be totally zenned out when she comes back and sees this gigantic mess.
“I can’t forget anything.” I’m rifling through my closet looking to see if there are any more clothes I want to bring. My plan is to get everything cleaned and folded neatly before I pack my suitcase. This is unusual for me. Normally, I would just throw everything into the suitcase and hope that it closes.
“I still can’t believe you’re leaving next week. I’ll miss you, Clemy. Who am I gonna give a hard time to now?”
“Oh, I’m not worried. You’ll find a way to get to me. You always do.”
He offers a shy smile instead of his typical rambunctious response. He takes off his baseball cap and takes a seat on my bed, crossing his legs to reveal rainbow-striped socks. “How’s Jonathan? Is he managing okay?”
I shrug. “I guess, given the circumstances,” I say vaguely. “He’ll be all right. He’s a survivor, like you.”
“Right,” he says absentmindedly. He starts picking through all the stuff strewn haphazardly on my bed — vintage dresses, cut-off jeans, vintage T-shirts, boho bags, colourful notebooks, coloured gel pens, organic cosmetics, and other trinkets — with an air of concern.
“You’re not bringing all of this, are you? It looks like the inside of a recycling bin. You’ll need a U-Haul with wings to get all this stuff to China. I think you need to pare down.”
I burst out laughing at the thought of Jake suggesting a pared-down life. “Look at the pot calling the kettle black,” I say, pointing to his giant man bag overflowing with sketches, fabric swatches, Snickers bars, and various beauty potions.
He cracks a half smile.
“We’ve been over this already, but I think you need a wardrobe upgrade, girl. You can’t be waltzing around the Condé Nast Center looking like a poster girl for the Salvation Army. You need to up your game.”
Ouch. That stings. Jake knows I take great pride in my vintage savoir faire, and besides, second-hand thrifting is good for the environment. I remember the Lisa See quote in Henry’s video: “Don’t ever feel that yo
u have to hide who you are.”
“I get what you’re saying, but that is my style, you know? Some people call it quirky and fun.”
“Well, I know, but maybe it’s time to embrace something new,” Jake replies. “Minimalism is the new in-thing. Less is more.”
“That’s not exactly the style of those skirts you made. Speaking of which, did you manage to get those samples to my dad yet?”
A pained expression comes across Jake’s face.
Uh-oh.
Something’s off. Like colossally off. I flash back to Maddie’s warning about mixing friends, family, and money. Damn it, I should’ve listened. Maddie’s always right. The last thing I need is for my dad to be pissed off at me. I inhale deeply, trying to stay calm, and kneel on the floor next to Jake.
“What’s the matter?” I ask softly.
He looks at the floor and rubs the edge of my bedspread between his fingers.
“You can tell me anything, Jake. Whatever it is, it’s okay. You’re like a brother to me.”
He turns a deep red and finally lifts his face. His eyes are brimming with tears. “Oh, Clemy, I’m such a shit. I was so excited about selling in your dad’s store, and I was determined to do things right. But when I cashed the cheque, I thought that maybe I could use it to make some more money, then I’d be able to buy better fabrics and really impress your dad. I wanted to show him the extent of what I can do. I thought one poker game wouldn’t hurt — I could always quit if it wasn’t working. But I just kept going and … I lost it. I lost all your dad’s money. I’m so sorry, Clem.”
“You gambled again? After everything that’s happened?” I feel my face growing hot. I know Jake has an addiction he’s not in control of, but I can’t help feeling upset that he would mess up this chance to help himself, especially after I vouched for him.
Seeing my reaction, Jake bursts into tears. Watching him face his downward spiral again, my anger melts into fear for him, and I begin to cry, too. I realize now just how helpless I am against what’s happening to him. What are we going to do? I wrap my arms around him and hold on tight.
“I’m so ashamed,” he sobs. “I just couldn’t help myself.”
I caress his hair. “It’ll be all right Jake, we’ll figure this out. Just please try not to do this again, okay?” I get up and wrap my fuzzy blanket around his shoulders.
“I’ll try my best, Clem,” he sniffles. “I’ll try.”
Despite my best efforts to concentrate in the Parsons library, I can’t help but feel storm clouds hovering over my head. I’ve tried eating gummy bears, drinking bubble tea, and walking Union Square, but nothing’s helped.
I’m desperately trying to focus and study for my finals, which is not easy when your bestie is suffering a serious gambling addiction, your boyfriend is agonizing over having to testify against his best client, and your father is about to throw a fit because he paid advance money for skirts that aren’t coming.
It just cannot get any worse, I think, twirling my pink polka-dot pen between my fingers.
But it does. The buzz of a text message interrupts my reverie. The woman sitting to my left gives me a dirty look as I pick up my phone.
So who the hell is HENRY LEE?
I drop my phone onto the table like it’s given me an electric shock and jump out of my seat. OMG. Jonathan must be pissed — he never uses all caps in his texts. Ever. And he seems uncharacteristically jealous. How did he even find out about Henry? I pick up my phone again, open Instagram, and scroll through my feed. Then it hits me … earlier, I posted a picture of the pile of clothes on my bed with a caption about getting ready for Shanghai, and one of the comments was from Henry: “Can’t wait to see you!!!” Jonathan must have gone to Henry’s page and seen that I follow him. My stomach ties itself into knots the size of a street pretzel. The woman next to me shakes her head and sighs. Right this second, I wish I could disappear.
Guilt washes over me. Why did I ever correspond with Henry? Am I subconsciously sabotaging my relationship with Jonathan? I’m feeling defensive as well — why is Jonathan stalking my Instagram page like this?
Just as I’m about to respond that Henry is a fellow student and that we’re just online friends, the woman next to me interrupts my thoughts.
“Can you please turn off your phone? It’s annoying for those of us around here trying to study.”
“Sure. Sorry.” I shut off the phone and let my head fall to the desk. Maybe that will soothe my pounding headache. I’ll respond to Jonathan later.
Dearest J,
Henry is a fashion student at Conde Nast. We’re just pen pals. He’s been helpful, sending me info about the school. THAT’S IT.
I understand you’re under lots of pressure and I know where you’re coming from — I had my moment last semester with Stephanie.
But please don’t do this to us. Don’t create conflict. Not now. You know that my love runs deep.
Clem XO
Chapter Fifteen
“I’M NOT GOING TO CHINA!” I shout into the empty apartment as soon as I set foot in the door. Probably, anyone within a ten-mile radius has just heard me. I just needed to announce it out loud to convince myself that I’ve decided to stay in New York.
I throw my school bag on the floor and head for the couch. I just want to lie there and stare at the ceiling. I need silence. I crave peace. I want to be alone with my thoughts so I can make sense of what’s happening. I know things aren’t as simple as I made them out to be in my text to Jonathan. I wish Henry had never written to me.
What I don’t expect is to see Maddie walk into the room, with James close behind, a glass of red wine in one hand and a bottle in the other. I turn the colour of his Merlot. I guess the apartment wasn’t empty after all. Now I’ve embarrassed myself. That’s all I need.
“What on earth are you talking about, Clementine?” Maddie asks. “Everything is set. The school is waiting for you, your parents are supporting you, and so are we. It’ll be the experience of a lifetime. Changing your mind at the last minute would be a huge mistake. What’s going on?”
I can’t bring myself to look at her. I’m ashamed, embarrassed, and insecure. I don’t know what to think anymore, or what to say, so I just stare up at the ceiling, clutching a throw pillow. After I left the library, I tried to figure things out by taking a long walk in the rain. I strolled through the East River State Park in Williamsburg, which has unobstructed views of Midtown Manhattan. I just wish my heart were unobstructed, too.
As I walked, I mentally replayed today’s events and those of the last few weeks. Am I just a bystander caught in the middle of a hurricane? If so, why do I feel so guilty about all this drama, as if it’s somehow my fault? I finished my walk feeling no clearer than when I’d started and soaked to the bone.
“I can’t leave for China, not now. There’s just too much going on,” I finally tell Maddie. The thunder outside shakes the room a little, as if lending gravitas to my statement.
“There’s never really a great time for anything, Clementine,” James interjects. “But when opportunity knocks, you have to open the door.” Maddie shoots him a look that says please don’t. She shoos him back to the bedroom, then, once we’re alone, shoves my feet over and takes a seat next to me.
“What happened? Is it Jonathan?” She gently removes a strand of hair from my eyes.
I nod, tears running down my cheeks. “Well, sort of. There’s more to it.”
“What is it, then? Is it about Jake?” She caresses my hair gently, like a caring mother would. A soothing touch, that’s what I need. I can’t tell her about Jake’s gambling addiction, though. She might tell my father, which would make things worse.
“There’s … stuff happening to both of them, and they need me here right now.”
She smiles kindly at me. “Is it about them, or is it about you? Are you running away from your own potential? It’s normal to be afraid, Clementine. Shanghai is far away, and it’s okay to feel insecure. I’ve
been there — I felt the same way when I got my scholarship to London. But you need to push beyond your fear. You need to be unafraid to shine. If Jake and Jonathan really love you, they’ll support you. And they’ll be here waiting when you get back. Besides, your being away will give them the space they need to resolve their own issues. It’s nice to feel needed, Clementine, but they’ll manage without you.”
The voice of reason has spoken. It’s like living with a guru. I guess her wisdom comes from life experience, something I don’t have much of. The storm outside seems to be subsiding, as if her wise words have calmed not only me, but Mother Nature, too.
I open up about Jonathan, because that’s what hurts the most right now.
“Jonathan was acting jealous and possessive today.”
Maddie caresses my braid. It’s looking messy and out of sorts, thanks to the rain. I guess it matches my mood.
“Really? That doesn’t sound like him.”
“This guy Henry commented on my Instagram post. He’s just a fashion student I connected with online. I think he’s stylish, but that’s it. There’s nothing to be jealous of.”
“Unfortunately, that kind of overreaction is part of every relationship,” she says. “Is he a Parsons student?”
“No, he’s at Condé Nast in Shanghai.”
She looks at me and begins to laugh. “Well, of course Jonathan’s jealous. You’re going off without him! Don’t worry, deep down, men love a little competition.” She winks.
She’s probably right. This is all very silly and there’s no need for me to worry.
I stare out the window. What I wouldn’t give to see a rainbow. “I guess being involved in a sexual assault case will make a guy overreact,” I mutter without thinking.
Maddie’s wineglass falls to the floor and shatters, and the little wine that was left in it splashes out. She doesn’t even blink, her eyes riveted on me.
“Is everything okay out here?” James bursts out of Maddie’s bedroom, where he’s been waiting. He sees the broken wineglass on the floor and runs to the kitchen to fetch some paper towels.
Bonjour Shanghai Page 7