“Can’t I take her home?” Once the words are out of my mouth, I want to take them back. I already know the answer. My mother will never see the inside of her condo again.
“She needs twenty-four-hour care, and her insurance won’t pay for a live-in nurse. We can send her to hospice or keep her here. It’s your choice.”
I nod, tuning him out. I don’t want to think about what tomorrow, the next day, or even next week will be like.
I gently lay my head on her stomach and watch the rise and fall of her chest. I knew this time would come, but I never expected it to arrive so soon. I don’t care how much faith you carry within yourself, once you hear the word cancer you fear the end. Even the most positive people, like my mother, accept the reality of the situation. It’s a horrible disease that rips families apart, both emotionally and physically. And right now it’s killing me inside.
My mom stirs. I’m by her side so she can see me.
“Ainsley.”
“Hi, Momma,” I say, reverting back to when I was a child and called her that. Sometimes I wish I had never had grown up and stopped using that form of mother, because right now it sounds perfect and has brought a smile to her face.
“I’m ready to go home.”
Her statement isn’t lost on me. While I’m thinking of her condo, I know she’s thinking of another home where she’s no longer in pain, her hair is back, and she’s happy. Unfortunately for me, what’s going to make her happy is going to break my heart.
Chapter 21
Cooper
It’s been a few days since I’ve seen or even spoken to Ainsley. We’ve texted, but she’s been too busy to get together. Truth is, so have I, but that doesn’t stop me from counting down the days until our one day off this month so I can take her on a proper date. The last thing I need is for her to feel like she’s a booty call or that I don’t want anyone to know we’re dating. Hiding out in my bedroom is probably the last thing she wants to do.
Her seat remains empty in the stands. I don’t want to give it to someone in case she can make it, but on the other hand, I’m thankful that she hasn’t been at the games, because I don’t want her anywhere near my father.
The tongue-lashing I received from him the morning after my ejection was enough motivation to keep Ainsley away from him. The last thing I want is for her to be on the receiving end of his tirades. He only sees me for baseball, nothing else. Women are a distraction, and that’s what he’ll tell Ainsley. I want to think that losing my mother really did a number on his romantic side. There has to be a nice guy buried somewhere deep inside.
We’re riding a two-game winning streak and facing the Twins for the fourth time this month. I’ve racked up a whopping two RBIs, and both just happened to be on sacrifice flies. I’ve yet to reach base, and we’re already eight games in. To make matters worse, my average shows a string of zeros when I’m up to bat. Never in my baseball career have I had a batting average of nothing.
When I see my father’s name appear on the screen of my phone, I think about sending him to voice mail, which honestly will only complicate matters. He’s all I have in this world, aside from the team and Ainsley, and whether I like it or not I still need him.
“Hey, Dad.”
“Morning. I’m outside your apartment. Let’s grab breakfast.”
I look over my shoulder and sigh, wishing Ainsley were here so she’d be my excuse not to have to deal with him today. “I’ll be down in a second.” I hang up without saying goodbye and pocket my phone.
When I get outside, he’s standing next to a cherry-red convertible with a shit-eating grin on his face. He tosses me the keys, which I catch easily.
“You drive,” he says, pushing himself off the car and walking over to the passenger side. The weather is still somewhat mild here so the leather seats aren’t an issue when I slide into the driver’s side.
“Where’d you get this?”
“I’m test driving it for a few days. I think I might move down here. The weather agrees with me.”
I laugh. “Wait until a tropical storm rolls in. You’ll find yourself buying a kayak instead.”
He laughs. I can see him living down here, though. The warm weather will agree with him.
I start the car up and listen to the motor purr. I’ve always said that once I hit it big, I’ll treat myself to something nice, but right now my check is sitting in my bank account just in case the organization changes its mind about me. They have every right to, since I feel like I’m not living up to their expectations.
Once I hit the road, with the wind blowing in our faces, I decide that we don’t need breakfast but instead a nice drive along the coastline.
“You’re distracted,” he says once we’re away from the city noise.
“I’ll be fine.” Those are the same words that Diamond says to me over and over again. I’m trying to believe him, but I’m not so sure.
“Your focus is wrong. Pull off up here,” he tells me as he points to a lookout spot. I do as he says and shut off the car.
“I know I’ve been hard on you, but I’ve seen your potential since high school and only want the best for you. This is your chance, and your mind is elsewhere.”
“It’s on baseball.”
“Maybe part of it is, but the other part is on that woman you’ve been seeing. You’re distracted, and it’s because of her.”
I fight the urge to turn and glare at him. Instead I remain facing forward, unwilling to give him an ounce of satisfaction that he may be right. I wouldn’t go so far as to call Ainsley a distraction, but she’s definitely on my mind more than baseball is.
“When did you meet her again?”
I sigh and rub my hand over the leather steering wheel as I try to come up with some way to change the subject. Thing is, he already knows the answer, so ignoring his question will only anger him.
“It was before the season started, right? I was hoping it was just a quick thing, but I’m gathering I’m wrong?”
I nod, unable to say the words.
“That’s what I thought.” He pauses. “I’m not trying to be a hard-ass, but you worked too hard for this opportunity, and now you’re letting it all slip away. You’re not giving the Renegades a reason to keep you. Hell, right now you’re not even Triple-A material, and you’re going to find yourself in the singles.”
“It’s not that bad,” I mutter, even though I don’t believe my own words.
“It is that bad.” He hands me my stat sheet, along with a list of the other rookies in the league who are all vying for spots on their teams. I’m dead last. If any prospective team is looking at this to make a trade, I wouldn’t even be considered.
“I’ve been working on skills every morning with Bainbridge,” I say, holding my hand up so I can finish talking. “As much as I want his starting spot, he’s not my enemy. He’s my teammate. We’ve been taking batting practice every morning, but for some reason, I can’t connect with the ball during the game.”
“That’s because your mind is elsewhere. If I see it, Cooper, so do your coaches. Your eyes are wandering the stands looking for your friend, even though she hasn’t shown up since the first day. And I’ve noticed, when you come up to bat, you look at me and frown. That tells me your mind is on her when it needs to be on the game.”
I’ll never admit that he’s right, even when he might be. Ainsley’s not the problem, though, I am, and I need to fix it.
I stare out the window, taking in the scenery. Something has to change or I’m going to find myself without a stable job. I suppose that I saw this coming, and that is why I chose school over the game four years ago.
“You need to save your career.”
“I know,” I respond automatically.
“You need to break things off with her.”
I shake my head, unwilling to do that. I want to be with her.
“Is she worth your career?”
His question gives me pause. Is she? I haven’t known her long
enough to make a life-altering decision like that. If I were Bainbridge and going through what he is, maybe the choice would be simple. He chose baseball over his wife. Lisa asked him to retire and move back to their home state and started having an affair at some point, according to the guys in the clubhouse, but ultimately he could’ve chosen her.
Baseball is what I know. It’s been my passion, my dream for as long as I could remember. And Ainsley…she’s fun. I love being with her and already know that she means something to me, but is it enough?
“Is she?” he asks again. I shake my head, unable to get the words out of my mouth. Instead, I start the car and head back to my apartment. Before I make any decision, I need to see her. I need to talk to her, because part of me feels like she could be worth it.
After my father drops me off, I get in my car and head to the zoo. I tried to call Ainsley, but each call went to voice mail and she’s not returning any of my text messages. Hell, maybe I’m worried about nothing, and she’s as freaked out as I am.
When I walk into her office, her secretary smiles.
“Is Ainsley here?” I ask.
I should’ve known by the look on her face that the news she was about to deliver wasn’t going to be good. “No, I’m sorry. She’s taken a leave of absence.”
My hands clutch the rim of the counter, and I nod, exiting before I can let my emotions get the better of me.
“Cooper!” I hear my name being yelled from behind, causing me to stop.
“Hey,” her friend says when she catches up to me. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to see Ainsley, but I guess she’s not working.” My tone is sarcastic. I’m fucking pissed that she’d do something like this. I know we’re not official, but this is something you tell the guy you’re fucking.
“She didn’t tell you?” She looks shocked when she asks her question. “Wow.”
“Do you know where she is?” I ask, knowing that her friend will help me out. She pulls out a notepad and scribbles something down.
“Her mom is sick and in the hospital, but I figured she told you. Anyway, this is where you’ll find her.”
I take the piece of paper and thank her, rushing to my car. Instant guilt washes over me for thinking Ainsley did something malicious. Once the address is in my GPS, I’m speeding toward the location. She’s going through something and likely needs my support, and here I am being a dick.
It’s funny that I can’t remember much about my mom except when she was in the hospital. Those days are crystal clear and come rushing back as soon as I step past the sliding glass doors and into the antiseptic-smelling halls.
With one last look at the note to verify I’m at the right door, I take a deep breath and knock before pushing it open.
Ainsley’s eyes meet mine. If I was expecting happiness, I’m sorely mistaken. To say she’s shocked that I’m here would be an understatement. She looks downright angry.
“What are you doing here?” she seethes, as she pushes me out of the room and into the hallway.
“I needed to talk to you.”
“So you tracked me down? Why didn’t you call?”
“I did, you sent me to voice mail.” I reach for her hand, but she recoils. “Ainsley?”
She shakes her head and looks away. “You shouldn’t be here, Cooper.”
“Look, if you’re trying to protect me—”
“Protect you? My mother is dying and you think this is about you?”
I step back and put some space between us. “I just thought…” My words fall flat as she shakes her head. Tears fall, and as much as I want to comfort her, I’m not a stupid man. I know when I’m not needed…or wanted, for that matter.
“You need to go,” she says coldly.
I let her words sink in, refusing to believe they mean anything other than what she’s saying, despite her demeanor. My whole reason for needing to see her today has changed, and I don’t like it. Seeing her today was supposed to remind me that she’s worth the fight. That what we have can grow into something deeper for the both of us.
“Ainsley? What’s going on?”
“I don’t have time for you right now, Cooper. I need to focus my attention elsewhere.”
She says all of this without making eye contact with me. I look around to find people staring, even though they’re trying to look busy. A few of them have their phones out, and I can only imagine what they’re saying to their friends or posting online. Whatever, I don’t give a shit right now.
I step forward and place my lips to her forehead. She sighs but makes no other move to touch me.
“I’m sorry, Ainsley,” I say, before turning to walk away. I fight every urge I have to turn around and go back to her, to go back and demand she fight for us, but for what reason? Realistically, things wouldn’t have worked once spring training was over. I’d be in Boston, and she’d still be here, taking care of her mother. I’d see her when the Renegades came to town, and that’s it. Long-distance relationships rarely work out, and it’s not like I can just fly down on the weekends. It was two weeks of fun, and now it’s over. We both got what we needed from each other.
Chapter 22
Ainsley
Watching Cooper walk away was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but it’s for the best. I don’t want his pity where my mother is concerned and I don’t want him to relive everything he went through when his own mother died. I know he has very few memories left, but death is something you’ll never forget.
People linger around me; a few whisper and maybe even point fingers, but I don’t care. It had to be done. I can’t deal with the text messages telling me that he’s missing me or that he wants to see me. This will mean no more voice mails and no more nights in his arms. It’s for the best. He can move on and forget I ever existed.
I wipe away the tears angrily, pissed at myself for letting karma win. My mom told me to stay away from athletes, and if I had listened, maybe she wouldn’t be withering away to nothing in a hospital bed.
Going back into her room, I find the static sound of beeps oddly comforting. This is my life now, watching my mom give what little fight she has left in her until she flat-out gives up. I don’t want her to, but it’d be one hell of a miracle if she were able to pull through this.
The morning shift nurse comes in to check my mother’s vitals. She smiles softly at me, but I can see the judgment in her eyes. I’m not stupid. Cooper is famous around here. His face is known. To these die-hard baseball fans, I just did the unthinkable.
Once she closes the door behind her, I break down and muffle my cries with a pillow. I let the tears flow as I scream out my anger and frustrations. I knew the end for Cooper and me was close, but I thought I’d be able to hang on for a few more weeks.
“Ainsley,” my mother’s weak voice calls out and has me rushing to her bedside.
“I’m here.”
“Okay, sweetheart. I missed you.”
There are moments of lucidity for her, and then there are times like this when she doesn’t make any sense.
“I didn’t go anywhere,” I kindly remind her, but my words fall on deaf ears. Each day, even hour, she’s slipping away from me, and there isn’t anything I can do about it.
“Hey.” The sound of Stella’s voice grabs my attention. She rushes in and pulls me into her arms. “How’s Mom?”
I shrug. I don’t know how to answer a question like that anymore. I can’t say she’s doing well, because the cancer is eating her body up. Where’s the positive in that?
“You’ve been crying?”
“Cooper came by,” I say, which doesn’t seem to surprise her. “You told him where I was?”
She nods and pulls me over to the cot that I’ve been sleeping on. “He came to work, Ains. He was asking for you.”
“You had no right.”
She blanches at my words. “So ignoring him was the way to go? The man came to your office to see you, thinking you’d be there. Why didn’
t you just tell him what was going on?”
I turn my gaze back to my mother and shrug. “I don’t want his pity or to hear about what his mother went through. Our situations are different.”
“And what if he didn’t do that? What if he just held you and let you cry on his shoulder?”
“He can’t. Baseball comes first, it always will, and I don’t want to burden him with this. It’s for the best. I need to focus on my mother and prepare myself for what I’m about to face alone.”
“Just because you don’t have a father or a stepfather to lean on doesn’t make you alone. I’m here. I’ve always been here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
I go back to my orange chair and rest my head next to my mother’s leg. Every day I notice subtle changes in her, and each one brings her closer to the end. Her breathing is no longer what I’d consider normal, and I find myself comparing my intakes of air to hers. Her skin is no longer white but bluish in color, and her eyes are lifeless.
“Let me sit with Mom for awhile. You go freshen up, maybe call Cooper.”
“Cooper and I are done, Stella. I told him today that things are over.”
“Why would you do that?”
I stand to face her with tears in my eyes. “Because he’s leaving in a few weeks and he’ll want to see me as much as possible. I’m not leaving this hospital while she’s here,” I say, pointing to my mom. “So what’s the point, huh? Should I lead him on so when I want to get laid I can go over to his place?”
“Ainsley.” She reaches for me, but I bat her arm away.
“You don’t get it, Stella. My mother is dying, and Cooper doesn’t fit in my world. He never did. I should’ve stayed away from him like Mom warned me, but I didn’t, and now here I am paying the price.”
“Do you really think this is your fault?”
I look back at my mom, a shell of the woman she used to be, and nod. “It is.”
Stella scoffs and throws her hands up in the air. The silence between us is tense, and if we speak, words will have been exchanged that neither of us will forget.
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