by Stacy Borel
Damn that felt empowering. Word vomit was the best feeling in the world. Screw him and screw everyone else who had always treated me like I was invisible or only worth the time they took to be mean. I should have been spewing this out a long time ago. Who cares if it made me look crazy, it sure made me feel better.
“Tell me how you really feel, Hadley.”
A deep voice sounded behind me and even in my drunken state, I froze. I couldn’t make a single one of my limbs turn me around and face him. Instead, I looked at my friend with an expression of complete betrayal. She, at least, had the decency to look apologetic.
“I’m sorry, baby girl. But you’re drunk, and I think it would be good for you to talk to him.”
“So you picked now to be that time?”
She nodded. “Drunk people are honest people.” She stood from her chair and grabbed her phone and keys from the counter. “I’ll be back in a little bit.” Aurora walked over to Wrigley and I heard her say, “I swear to god, if you leave her, or if you hurt her any more than you already have, I will make sure you are incapable of reproducing.”
If he responded, it was too quiet for me to hear. Why did she do this to me? Drunk people may be honest people, but that didn’t mean I needed to be honest with him. I didn’t want anything to do with him.
“Hadley.” The way he said my name sent a chill down my spine.
I slowly turned to face him completely. It was not a time to back down from him. I needed to stand tall, and deal with this.
“What?”
Okay, seriously, the room was tilting and I didn’t know if I was actually standing straight or leaning, but I reached out to the table to help hold myself up. This wasn’t going to be a fair fight. I wasn’t at full capacity.
He stepped closer to me. I blinked, trying to focus on his face. “What in the hell are you doing completely wasted, and why didn’t you call me when you got home?”
“Are you kidding me?” I shook my head. “Why would I call you?”
He tilted his head. Or at least I think he did. “Because that’s what people do when they come home from a vacation. They speak to the person they are with.”
“You seemed just fine with Livi. Pretty sure you had enough to keep you company. You know, three’s a crowd and all that.”
Wrigley’s lip curled. “Oh, so you did come find me, but you chose not to say anything to me. Hmmm, seems to be a common theme with you.”
I jerked my head back. “What are you talking about? You were the one with Livi tonight, not me.”
“And does that really matter at this point?”
“Yes!” I shouted. “It matters, all of it matters.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because, you chose to sit at a different goddamn table, that’s why.”
He scrubbed his hand up and down his face before he ran his fingers through his unruly hair. “What are you talking about, Hadley? I was at the pub waiting for you to let me know you were home so I could come over. Instead, I get a text from Aurora that you’re shitfaced and upset.”
I laughed, but none of it was funny. “Of course I’m upset. I went to your house to talk and you weren’t there. You were out with her—the bitch who hates me.”
I don’t think I’ve cursed this much in my life let alone in one sitting. I should drink more often. It was therapeutic saying the words.
“I don’t care about Livi. I want to know why you are barely able to hold yourself up right now and why you didn’t let me know you were back at the dorms. Better yet, I want to know why you told my mom that you barely see me when you see me damn near every day. We are a fucking couple.”
And there it was. Donna had spoken to him.
I waved my hand in the air. “Does that even matter right now? You were with another girl, and apparently, I was just trying out to be on the Wrigley Brooks’ team.” I lifted and eyebrow. “I’m not your type.”
I saw acknowledgement set in. He understood that I’d heard what he’d said and why I was upset, but then he quickly masked it and settled on frustration. “This, coming from the girl who won’t accept the fact that we are together. Who can’t even hold a conversation with my mother without lying to her and then me getting a call asking if everything was okay. Seems I’m not the one with the issues here, Hadley. My type wouldn’t hide me in a closet till their parents were gone, or not acknowledge me when I walked past them on a sidewalk.” He sighed and looked down at his feet. “I just don’t get it. I thought this was what you wanted.”
I was overwhelmed by the feeling of alcohol pulsing through my veins, and his words. “It was, but then… god, I don’t know. Why can’t you understand that this is new for me? It’s uncharted water.” I plopped down in the chair that was behind me.
“I don’t understand why the need to lie? Uncharted or not. Why get drunk? Why all of this?” He waved his arm in front of me.
I was so aggravated at everything. It was infuriating how attractive his was right now. I hated that even through my drunken fog I still wanted him to throw me on the table and do bad things to me. I wanted another drink so I couldn’t feel anything. I wanted for all of this to have never happened. I wished I’d never lied. But I couldn’t help but wonder if he still would have gone out with Livi.
“Why were you at the pub with Livi?”
“Hadley.”
“I’m serious, Wrigley. Why were you there with her? Answer me that much and then we can talk about the other crap. This is a big deal for me.”
He spun on his heels and then walked over to my bed to sit down. Ugh, on my bed, where I could push him back and straddle him.
“We weren’t there together. Her and Chris had gone out. I needed out of the house because I was feeling stir crazy, so I left to go shoot some pool. I saw them both there, and Livi glued herself to my side. What was I supposed to do, tell her to get the fuck away?”
“Yes!” I shouted.
He shook his head and glared at me. “No, Hadley. No. I may be an asshole sometimes, but there wasn’t anything going on and if she ever tried, I would have said something to her.” He stood back up and began to pace. “Seriously, this is such bullshit, you know that? Here I am sitting at home, waiting for my girl to come back, and when she finally does, she basically spies on me, then runs off.”
I rolled my eyes. Lord, I shouldn’t have done that it made me dizzy. “I wasn’t spying.”
“So you were eaves dropping?”
“No, I wasn’t doing that either. I just happened to overhear you. And now I know. I know that I was basically a test subject and another girl you can mark off on your bed post. Scored the lame girl from high school. Good for you.” I gave him a slow clap.
“Jesus.” He gave a sinister laugh. “Do you even hear yourself right now? High school happened. Let it the fuck go! We get no do overs. You were who you were, and I was who I was. Stop living in the past and see what’s standing right in front of you. You can’t even hold a fucking adult conversation with me.”
“I am.” I swallowed hard. “Don’t you get that? Are you the one that is blind? We don’t fit, Wrigley. You are the boy I have crushed on my entire life. I never moved on, I never dated someone else, I never let it go no matter how many times I lied to myself and said that I had. It has been you almost all of my eighteen, pathetic years, and now that we took our chance, we don’t fit. Have you ever seen the looks we get? How people look at you, then they see the girl standing by you side holding your hand, and the looks I get? It isn’t equal. I’m not what’s expected for you.”
“And that’s on you.” He dead panned. He marched right up to me and yanked me up into a standing position. My head wobbled and the beer on his breath was delicious. I thought he had been drunk at the pub, but he wasn’t. He must not have had as much as I’d assumed. “You have all these little rules and stigmas in your head that you’ve placed on everyone around you. You talk about not giving things labels, but you’ve labeled every single one of us. I’m su
re I’m the jock, Aurora is the ditzy friend, Livi is evil cheerleading queen that hates everyone, and you’re the nerd that nobody wants. Who else, Hadley? Am I missing anyone?” He stepped back from me. “Grow up. Shit’s over, and people don’t survive by labels. I was proud to have you by my side. And those looks you think you were getting, those were looks of envy at us. At what we had.”
Tears were pooling in my eyes. Anger and grief were swirling around me. “Had?”
He shrugged. “Gee, I don’t know. Maybe it needs a label.”
“I think you should go,” I said to him. I didn’t want to hear any more. Jealousy was running rampant and it was mixing with the booze.
He nodded. “I think you’re right.” He grabbed his coat that I hadn’t realized he’d taken off, and he slammed the door behind him.
I stumbled over to my bed and collapsed face down. Instead of drowning myself in liquor, I drowned in tears. Anger was overflowing and I hated him. I hated myself. I wanted a do over. Not just this Thanksgiving holiday, but the last eighteen years. If I would, I could. Even it if changed the outcome of us. Right now, I wanted to be anywhere but here.
DID YOU KNOW THAT classes with the guy you’ve been in love with, and are now fighting with become a thousand times harder to concentrate in when you aren’t speaking? Wrigley came to class early, he sat next to me like always, but didn’t so much as look at me, talk to me, or touch me. When the professor dismissed us, he shot out of his chair like he was on fire, and left the room. I sucked back the tears and tried to tell myself it was okay. This was only temporary. I’d had time to think about things. I had time to think about everything.
It was now the end of the semester and every student was cramming for finals. Wrigley and I hadn’t spoken in over three weeks. It was the most miserable time of my life. If it hadn’t been for me paying such close attention to my instructors during the semester, I would have likely failed all of my finals. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Aurora had told me many times to just go talk to him and smooth everything out. But I couldn’t. Pride kept me in my room and in my pajamas for days on end. I was sure she tried the same tactics with him, but we didn’t talk about it. She eventually gave up and told me that she was here for me when I was ready to deal with life.
Whatever that means.
LSU campus was emptying out as the last day was here, and majority of kids had left to go home for the next month till Spring session started. Aurora and I had become so close, we requested to be roommates again for the new year. I think colleges tried to change up who you roomed with every year just so we met new people, but if situations turned out well, you could ask to keep who you lived with. I couldn’t imagine sharing my space with anyone else. Her purple loving side of the room and all
“Gosh this place looks so boring without all our stuff in it.”
Aurora came to my side. “Yeah. Are you sad?”
I sniffled. “Nope.”
She giggled and bumped me, slinging her arm around my shoulder. She put her head on me and we stood there being the couple of girls that we were. “Do me a solid, and next year try not to have you side so stuffy. I need a little more color in my life.”
I laughed. “More than what you already had?”
“Yep.”
“Bright pink it is.”
We both smiled about it and continued to pack the last of our boxes. “Okay, I’m going to head out. Make sure you text me and call me every day to let me know how you’re doing.”
“I will, promise.” I said. “And I want to hear all about how the visit with Bishop’s family goes and if there are any proposals.”
She baulked. “Fuck that. I love the guy, but I’m so not ready for that mess.”
I rolled my eyes at my beautiful friend. “Mhmm.”
She had a bag in hand and left me alone to finish. I was leaving in the afternoon. My dad was driving here to pick me up and haul all of my stuff back home. I was definitely bringing my car back next semester, I was done with being transportation-less. I wanted to expand my exploring to other places like New Orleans, or Shreveport.
I sat down on my now coverless bed and let my emotions get the best of me. This had been such a stressful time in my life. I had let what Wrigley had said to me make me angry at first. I was so angry I had written him half a dozen letters yelling at him and saying I hoped I never saw him again. But then I tried to reason with the words. I spoke them out loud. I listened to myself say them. And when I did, I actually heard them for the first time.
The past was in the past.
I needed to let it go. We were kids. I had been so heartbroken over words he’d said that one year during Easter, I’d never let it go. I’d allowed it to dictate everything I did as I grew. It was never that I wasn’t invited to parties or get-togethers. And I certainly had the ability to make friends. But it was a feeling I’d carried with me for years when I should have shed it like it was a second skin. The more I had thought about it, the more I gave it power.
This wasn’t high school, and he was right about that. The looks I thought I was getting from people, aside from Livi, weren’t looks of disdain and them saying hurtful things. It was me telling myself that I was ‘gross’ and not worthy. I labeled everyone, including myself.
Unworthy.
These last few weeks felt desolate without Wrigley in my life. He was like a beacon of happiness and brightness that warmed me with a simple thought of him. He had a way of making me feel good. He made me feel loved. But the part I wish he understood more of, was him confiding in someone that was so hateful towards me. Words that sounded so similar to the past spewed out of his mouth, and I wanted to know why. So, I lied. I wouldn’t downplay that it was a big deal for the both of us. But this was new. I didn’t know the rules of having a boyfriend. And I certainly didn’t know the rules when it came to having a guy who you grew up with and how you tell people.
There was a knock on the door, and my dad stepped in. “Hey Princess, I’m here.”
“Dad!” I got up from the bed and went to hug him.
He helped me bring down boxes and we loaded up the truck for the long trip back home. I was grateful for him. I was also grateful that he wasn’t as nosy or chatty as my mom. He could sense something was off with me, but he didn’t pry.
My first days back home were spent in my sweat pants as I binge watched The Bachelor, and gorged myself on Ben and Jerry’s. I knew it would happen. Heartbreak and the best ice cream on earth were in my future after being with Wrigley. On my third day home, near the afternoon, my mom came into the living room, shut off the television and stood in front of it.
“Okay, I’ve let you wallow enough. Now it’s my turn to be a mom. What’s going on?”
I set the pint of ice cream down on the coffee table and adjusted my dirty t-shirt. I hadn’t changed since yesterday. “Nothing really. Just being a lazy college student that’s enjoying her break.”
She shook her head. “Young lady, I know when you’re just being a normal teen and when something is wrong. Something is definitely wrong.”
I looked at her. She was serious. I honestly had nothing to lose by telling my mom everything. Well, minus the stuff that she really didn’t need to know. Sighing, I patted the couch and she came to sit down next to me. I started off from the beginning. The Easter stuff, the school stuff, the stuff that I was choosing not to let affect me anymore, and finally the Wrigley stuff. By the time I was done, two hours had passed, mom had finished the ice cream and had cried right with me when I told her I was feeling lost.
“Oh honey, you know everything is going to be okay, don’t you?”
“Yeah, eventually. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Do I let it go with him, or do I make him listen to me?”
“You make him listen to you, of course.” She smirked. “Us women make them listen when we are ready to talk. How do you think I’ve kept your dad around for so long?”
I smiled. “Okay, but how?”
&nbs
p; “Hadley, only you know the answer to that.” She put her hand on my thigh and gave it a pat. “You’re a smart girl, you’ll figure it out.”
“Are those your words of wisdom?” I asked sarcastically, still just as unsure of my next move as before I’d told her.
She smiled. “Sure is. Think about it. You know what to do and you know what’s right for you. If I could suggest one thing, Mrs. Brooks deserves an apology.”
Yes, she did. I nodded. “Okay. And I think you deserve one as well.” I sighed. “I shouldn’t have lied.”
“Don’t think of it as lying to me, Hadley. While I appreciate the gesture, it was an omission that you decided to keep to yourself. All good things come with time. I knew something was bothering you, but I wasn’t going to push it. Besides, I’d spoken to Donna the week before you came home, and I knew something was going on with Wrigley.”
“You did?” I said, shocked.
“Mhmm. I just wanted to wait for you to come to me. He’s your first boyfriend. There’s bound to be kinks that need to be worked out before it has a chance to be perfected. You two have a past. There are challenges that come with that.”
I scoffed. “It’s far from perfect.”
Mom patted my leg. “I know my daughter. You’ll get there.”
I sat for a few moments, thinking about her words. “So you’re saying I shouldn’t quit?”
“I’m saying you should definitely give it a fighting chance.”
A small traitorous tear slid down my cheek. “Thanks, Mom.
“I think I know what the rest of today needs. Some cookies, and a packed shopping mall to make us a little crazier than we already are.”
I laughed. “I look like a mess.”
“Nonsense. Change your clothes and put your hair up, you’ll be good as new. Let’s go!” She stood up and breezed out of the room.