by W. J. May
“Good luck.” Rae pulled the door shut behind her.
She trotted down the stairs and outside into the brisk air. She thought about the past week as she headed down the concrete steps. Dean Carter had come to talk to her over the weekend to remind her again he expected her to sleep in the Infirmary the night of her birthday. He said the school felt it would be in her best interest if she was there when she woke up with her tatù – a better way to help explain her ink and learn to control it. She couldn’t be sure if the dean felt it was for her benefit or for the school’s. She didn’t argue, only because it hadn’t really been a choice or a question and it didn’t really matter in the end. So, whether she liked it or not, Rae would be spending the night of the fourteenth of November at the stupid Infirmary.
She’d kept silent about the mix-up on her birth certificate. It’s the one thing I can do on my own. I’ve every right to experience this the way I want, like everyone else.
Striding past the buildings, she decided to take the path that led through the forest. She’d been on it a number of times in the past month, on walks with Andy, Riley and Nicholas. She felt like a broken record, always maintaining she just wanted to be friends with each of them. Each said they understood but continued to vie for her attention. Even reminding them of the unwritten code didn’t seem to deter them. It soon got tiring trying not to hurt anyone’s feelings.
As she headed toward the forest, she contemplated telling Devon the truth about her birthday. After all, it would be nice to have one person she could completely confide in. Checking her watch, she stumbled, realizing her birthday fell on Friday – the thirteenth. No way would she tell Devon. Plus if he got caught knowing, Dean Carter would probably have his head on a platter and she didn’t want to leave him in that situation.
Rae entered into the quiet forest, continuing on the path until she came to the first park bench and plopped down. The cool wind turned into a light breeze inside the forest. The temperature actually felt a few degrees warmer. Relieved no one was around, she pulled out Uncle Argyle’s letter.
Inside the large envelope were two cards. One a faded pink with creased corners and rather thick, and the other had Uncle Argyle’s quirky handwriting with a note for her to open first. She tore the backing, pulling the card out. A single sheet of paper lay inside, again in the quirky writing.
Dear Rae,
I thought to write or phone you many times. I simply did not have the courage to answer your questions. I’m sorry for that. I promised your mother a long time ago I wouldn’t tell you about your ink until the right time. It never seemed to be the right time. When Guilder offered me the chance to have them explain, I believed that was in your best interest. The school knows how to tell you, and the students are whom you’d need to be around. I’m sure you’ve learned about your mother and me. Please do not think ill of me. I never once felt jealous of your mom, and I tried to help her as much as I could. Your mother was very special, and it broke me when she fell in love with your father. I was frustrated with her and kept telling her she’d be making the biggest mistake of her life. I should have done more but, as always, I lacked the courage. When you were born, you became her lesson of love. You were worth everything she had sacrificed and endured.
I hope you’re able to remember her and recall how much she loved you. Your father had other plans and grew furious when she refused to give him another child – the son he so desired. She knew something was going to come to pass. She sent me a letter to ask me to take care of you should anything happen. She also sent an envelope I should give you on your sixteenth birthday. I’ve enclosed it with this letter.
Your aunt and I wish you a wonderful birthday. Aunt Linda knows nothing about the ink-stamp, as I have never told her.
I fear for you and what your ink might be. You are a smart girl and I see so much of your mother in you. However, I repeat the words I told you before you left:
You can’t undo the past. The sins of the father are the sins of the son. I wish you all the best as you figure out your talents and find out who you are.
Sincerely,
Your uncle Argyle
Rae sat staring at the letter for a long time. It took all her courage to turn to the decade-old envelope beside her. Inside were the last words her mother had wanted to tell her, the last piece of advice she would ever give Rae. Tears welled up in her eyes for the mother she’d lost. It felt like she was losing her mom all over again. However, this time she knew what she’d be missing and how much it hurt.
Wishing desperately her mother could be here with her now, she tried to swallow the lump in her throat. Her uncle’s letter brought little comfort. No surprise, it’s typical of him.
What if she turned into something bad, something evil? Maybe it would be better if she weren’t on her own. What if I hurt Molly? Even by mistake it could be serious.
She understood from her lessons the ink’s powers would grow with her. It would be weak when it was born and would take time to strengthen within her. So she had assumed all this time that she wouldn’t be a danger to anybody. What if she were wrong?
Rae shook her head, confused and unsure what to think or do. She debated about waiting to open her mother’s card until Friday. She stood and paced around the bench. Blowing her bangs away from her forehead, she swore. Walking in circles didn’t help.
Angry at herself for being so indecisive, she plunked down onto the bench. She ripped open the envelope, pulling the card out quickly, making it impossible to change her mind.
The cover of the card froze Rae in her tracks. It was very pretty, something a young child would like – something she had loved as a kid. Instantly the tears fell and no amount of blinking could stop them. Loads of sparkles in different shades of pink covered the card, with a beautiful princess in the middle.
When she was five and six she loved to color and do crafts with sparkles, glitter glue and markers. She always used pinks. Her mom would hang everything up in the conservatory. The memory brought on a fresh flood of tears. After the fire she never used the color pink and seldom did crafts or coloring, unless she had to at school. She swallowed, wiping her eyes and exhaling a long breath. With shaking hands, she reverently opened the card. Inside sat a letter in her mother’s neat cursive. She remembered that writing. When she was little, she had thought it the most beautiful writing in the world. Taking another deep breath, Rae slowly read the page, trying to absorb everything straight into her heart, to a secret place where she could keep it all safe forever.
My Dearest Rae,
Happy 16th Birthday, love!
It seems surreal I’m writing this letter to you now, as you sit here beside me drawing a picture, and only six years old. I don’t want to write this, but when something happens, I want to be able to explain to my daughter the choices I’ve made in my life. I also want you to know I am very proud of you.
I’m sorry I’m not there to be with you when you receive your ink. I’ve wondered so often what your gift will be. You’re such a beautiful, talented little girl right now. I’m assured you will have that same inner beauty and talent go into your ink. I pray you will have the splendor and goodness from my gift and the capability of your father’s.
I have asked Argyle to tell you nothing, unless he has to, or until you are close to sixteen. I’m sorry I never told you about the tatù, but your unknowing will have saved your life more times than you will ever understand.
You will, by now, know what kind of man your father was. I’m sorry I didn’t see his true self at first, and sorry again that I couldn’t change him. I loved him once, despite his faults. That love gave me you and for that, I have no regrets. I may not have been able to help him, but I am able to save you.
FLAMES TO DUST. That is what my father taught me of my ink. That was my destiny – my destiny, Rae, so that you will live. Others will see this differently, but never lose sight of the bare truth – you would live and become what you are meant to be – that is YOUR desti
ny. One day, I hope Argyle will tell you about your grandfather.
Always stand tall and walk proud, Rae. You have such wonderful promise and I know, difficult as it may be, you’ll find your way. Your father’s demons will try to tempt you, but don’t listen. You’re going to be more powerful than your father ever was and that is why he fears you. The wrong temptations will challenge you, but every time you don’t give in to them, you’ll strengthen your gift. You have a tough road ahead of you, but I know you’ll create your own path and make your own stamps in life. Don’t ever lose sight of that, and know that you are special.
Through you, I will always shine. My tatù is a sun and that is why I named you Rae. You are my Rae of Sun, my Rae of Hope.
I love you more than life itself,
Yours truly,
Always and Forever,
Mother XOXOXO
Rae read the letter again and again. Her throat felt so painful and tight, she could barely breathe. No amount of swallowing made the throbbing lump disappear. She could hear her mother saying the words as if she were right beside her, whispering in her ear.
When she tried reading it again, she tenderly put the letter away, fearing her salty tears might ruin the ink on the sacred paper. Her mother had sacrificed everything. She’d planned everything to make sure Rae reached her sixteenth birthday.
Rae slipped the letters inside her coat and slid off the bench to walk.
You can’t undo the past, Rae. Her uncle’s words jeered at her as she plodded further down the path. She wished her uncle was standing right in front of her so she could scream at him. She’d curse just about anyone right now.
Glaring up to the encroaching darkness, Rae checked her watch and realized dinnertime had already started. She felt like skipping the evening meal, heading back to her room and locking the door to have a good cry. The idea of trying to hold a conversation with anyone filled her with dread.
Swearing, she turned around to head back to the dorms. With her birthday only days away, now was definitely not the time to show the professors anything might be amiss. The last thing she needed was more of them breathing down her neck, constantly monitoring her every move. She pounded the ground with each step, getting angrier and more frustrated by the moment.
Exiting the forest, she made a conscience effort to take some deep breaths. She focused on putting that anger deep inside, to use at another time. She needed to act like everything was perfectly fine by the time she got to the Refectory. Counting to five with each inhalation and exhalation, she willed herself to relax. She ran her fingers under her eyes and checked to make sure no mascara had run down or smudged.
By the time she reached the Refectory, she appeared physically calm. She nipped inside, quickly hanging her coat up before checking the seating chart. Relieved to be sitting at Andy and Devon’s table tonight, it would save trying to make conversation with Molly or trying to avoid Maria’s worried gaze.
She tried to walk inconspicuously into the hall but could feel eyes of the professors and students turn toward her. She smiled at Headmaster Lanford, determined to hide her true emotions. He nodded back, and then returned to his meal. Rae slid into the empty seat between Andy and Devon and reached for a bun. She put all her concentration into lathering it with butter.
“You’re a bit late tonight,” Andy commented.
“I went for a walk and lost track of time.” She could feel Andy stiffen as he glanced up toward the door. She followed his gaze and watched Riley enter the dining hall.
“Did you walk alone?”
“Andy! Give her a break. It’s none of your business.” Devon leaned behind Rae, punching Andy in the shoulder. Andy gave him a dirty look but grinned sheepishly at Rae.
“Sorry,” he said.
“No biggie.” Rae shrugged. “I got a letter from my uncle.”
“Everything okay?”
Rae grimaced at the concern in Devon’s voice.
“Yeah,” she lied. “He sent a card to wish me a happy birthday and hoped everything’ll go all right on the day.”
“It’ll be the best day of your life.” Andy hugged her shoulders, seeming reluctant to remove his arm to eat. Rae sighed, wishing he meant it as a comforting gesture, but knowing that it was a possessive move meant more for everyone who was looking than for her. She felt like a pawn in this little game the boys played with her. But as of yet she couldn’t find a way out of it that didn’t include breaking their hearts and making her position at Guilder worse than it was.
Toward the end of dinner, Devon asked if she still wanted to get together for a tutoring session. He seemed preoccupied, so she offered him an out, saying they could resume again on Thursday. She certainly wasn’t in any state to be alone with him anyway.
Devon got up to leave as soon as the meal concluded. Rae wasn’t far behind. She slipped her coat back on, instantly feeling for the letters inside her right pocket. She panicked when she couldn’t find them. Grappling into her other coat pocket, she sighed with relief when she felt the soft paper material.
She scratched her head as she walked outside, sure she’d stuffed them into her right pocket, not the left. A large gust of wind shook her thoughts. Pulling her coat tightly around her to avoid the cool wind, she rushed to get inside the warmth of her dormitory.
It felt like forever before her wristwatch finally read nine and she could fake a yawn and big stretch as a show to Molly. “I’m exhausted. It feels like it’s been a really long day.” Which did hold some truth to it. “Molls, do you mind if we cut the lights out early?”
Molly sat at her desk, with two textbooks open and a spiral pad full of writing. “Really? I’ve got a report due tomorrow and I just started.”
Rae’s spirits dropped. She didn’t have the brain power tonight to try and argue.
Molly must have seen the look on Rae’s face. She dog eared the textbooks and began tossing stuff into her backpack. “I can go down to the library and finish this. I’ll use the computers there since mine’s still broke.” She moved to the door. “‘Night.”
Rae made a trip to the bathroom to brush her teeth and shower, all the while thinking of her mother, her sorrow, her situation and her roommate, who was turning out to be entirely more considerate than she had ever imagined. Guilt mixed with her pain, swirled her emotions into turmoil. She crawled into bed and, thankfully, drifted into oblivion before her tears flooded her pillow.
The next few days passed at a snail’s pace. The boys, as she had persisted in thinking of them, were miraculously leaving her alone, for once. She spent some quality time with Molly, making her guilt over hiding things from her roomy lessen just a bit. Even the depression over her mother’s letter began to disappear as her birthday drew closer. Happy when Thursday evening finally rolled around, Rae began to get excited to meet up with Devon. It would make the night pass quicker. Then she could head off to bed to wake up for her “secret” birthday. Opening the library door, she noticed him already waiting in their usual spot.
“Hey, how you doin’?” she whispered when she got to the table.
“I’m all right. How ‘bout you?” He grinned. “Only a few more sleeps ‘til your birthday. Anxious?”
“Anxious isn’t the word.” Rae rolled her eyes as she plopped into her seat across from him. “I’ve no idea how anybody survives this. I’ve only known about this since September. You guys’ve known basically all your lives. How is it none of you ended up in the loony bin?”
Devon threw his head back and laughed. Madame Elpis peeked in the door from the foyer outside Aumbry’s library to shoot them a dower look and shushed them, which only made Devon’s shoulders shake harder.
He finally calmed down enough to answer her. “Your comment had me picturing a large group of tatùed people in some psych ward. Could you imagine what the other patients would say?” He grinned. “They’d be telling tales of wolves and bears, or seeing people walk through walls. The psych doctors would keep them under lock and key.” He star
ted chuckling again. “Then Madame Elpis shushed me. Could you imagine her in a psych ward?”
Rae had to hold her belly to try to keep from laughing aloud. It felt awesome since she hadn’t done it in a while. Once the moment was over, they sat quiet, smiling at each other. She gathered her courage to ask Devon something that had been bothering her since she’d read her mother’s letter.
“Devon? What d’you know about the fire?”
He looked at Rae, surprised at her sudden seriousness. He stared down at his fingers, drawing imaginary circles on the desk. After a few moments, he slowly lifted his head.
“The house fire killed your parents, and really should’ve taken you as well, but it didn’t. There’s no record of what actually happened – just that you were saved and the two other people inside the house died. Somehow you managed to escape. I’d guess it probably had something to do with your mom.” Devon shrugged his shoulders.
“I think so, too. In fact, I’m positive my mom had something to do with the fire.”
Devon’s face registered shock.
Rae gushed on, before losing her courage. “My mom made me go outside before it happened. She told me to go play in the tree house and she’d come get me. She sent me outside.
“Maybe you’re right. I only know fleeting stories and bits of adult conversation from the week it happened. I’ve read the newspaper articles but that was a long time ago. Why the sudden interest? Is it because your birthday’s around the corner?”
She debated making something up but decided the truth would be much easier than lying.
“I got a letter from my uncle and inside was a letter my mom wrote ten years ago. She asked my uncle to give it to me on my sixteenth birthday.”
“Oh…Umm…Do you want to tell me about it?” Rae watched him run his hands along the table, his knuckles pure white. He seemed more nervous than she felt. How odd, and sweet.
“Yes…No…I don’t know. There’s nothing secretive inside, or some hidden message.” She shrugged, not sure what to say. “It’s just weird she’d know to write a letter…like she knew something might happen.” Rae stared at her hands. “It just makes sense – her ink was a sun, and the sun’s made of fire…” The conclusion seemed so obvious now. But she just couldn’t finish the sentence.