by Brenda Novak
“You could work through that,” her mother said.
“Didn’t you hear what I said?”
“I heard you say you care about him.”
“I do, but we’re not well suited. After seeing the concessions you made for Daddy, I don’t want to go down that road.”
“Oh, stop! My life hasn’t been so bad. I have no regrets.”
Lourdes rolled her eyes. “Yes, you do. We’ve talked about this before. Your voice is even better than mine. You could’ve been a star.”
“I wish he’d been more flexible, more open to letting me pursue my own goals. But I’ve had a good life. If I hadn’t married him, I wouldn’t have you and the twins, and you girls mean everything to me.”
Lourdes wondered if she’d one day regret choosing such a demanding career. Maybe not, she told herself. She could still have a husband and family at some point. Just...later, after she’d recovered from the missteps she’d taken in the past couple of years. “It’s hard to miss children I don’t have, Mom. I don’t want to get stuck in Whiskey Creek or anywhere else I might feel I had to stop singing. If I marry someone who doesn’t understand my passion for what I do, I’d only wind up feeling guilty for leaving him whenever I was away. You know, for concerts or recording or promo. I don’t want to live like that.” In other words, she and Kyle knew they had different goals. Why set themselves up for failure?
“But I thought you’d be destroyed over Derrick and yet you...you seem fine.”
She was certainly doing better than she’d expected. The disappointment was there. So was the hurt and anger at being let down by someone she cared about. But the sharp, immobilizing pain she’d experienced for the past several months was gone. Kyle had somehow anesthetized her against that. “I still love Derrick, just not in the same way. I think the past six months killed what romantic love I had for him.”
“And now you’ve found someone else. Good men don’t grow on trees, honey. So if Kyle’s special, you might want to think twice, that’s all,” her mother said.
“Thanks for the advice, Mom. You’ve made your point. Can we talk about something else?”
“Of course.” Her mother filled her in on the latest with Mindy and Lindy, who shared everything—including an apartment and a job serving tables at the same high-end restaurant in downtown Nashville. Renate wanted them to get serious about their lives, to show more ambition now that they both had degrees. But they were still young and having fun. Lourdes had long ago recognized that they didn’t possess the same kind of drive she did. She’d worked so hard for what she’d achieved—and despite all that effort, it seemed as though she’d turn out to be nothing more than a footnote in the country music industry.
She’d just finished talking to her mother when another call came in, this one from Derrick. She didn’t answer it, but she opened the photo album on her phone and swiped through it. She had so many pictures of him—in Paris, in various American cities when they were on tour, at Lake Powell on the houseboat they’d rented last summer. As she stared at their laughing faces, she remembered how much fun they’d had together. She should be suffering more than she was now that they were no longer a couple. She’d suffered before. So where had all the heartbreak and desperation of the past several months gone?
She didn’t know. Or at least she couldn’t come up with an answer that made sense. The only one that did echoed what her mother had hinted at a few minutes earlier—that what she felt for Kyle had changed everything.
* * *
Although he’d called around noon, to tell her the fire was arson, Kyle was gone for most of the day. When Lourdes finally saw him, he seemed to be in another sour mood. But they’d told his friends that they’d be going to Victorian Days, and he acted as if he was still planning on it.
Lourdes knew she could always cancel, but she felt it might be wise to let people see her out and about. Maybe that would lend support to what she’d told Ed at the Gold Country Gazette and stave off any gossip as to why she was staying out of sight. Maintaining appearances and pretending that all was well could make the furor over her breakup with Derrick seem inflated—maybe even passé—and that would spell death for the story in the celebrity gossip blogs.
The way Kyle’s eyes ran over her when she walked out of her bedroom told her he liked how she looked, but he didn’t say the words. Since they’d made love, he’d been vigilant about keeping his distance. If she happened to stand too close, he’d step away. Or if she was in the kitchen, and he had to slip past her to get something he needed, he’d either ask her to hand it to him or wait until she was gone so he could reach it without coming into direct contact with her.
“Are you sure you’re up for this?” she asked as he held the door so she could precede him to the truck.
“Up for what?”
“Being out together.”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
She hesitated before continuing down the walkway. “Because your plant nearly burned down last night and you’re so angry about it you can barely speak.”
“Staying home won’t bring the plant back. That’s something I’m going to have to work through, whether I like it or not.”
And going out might keep them out of bed. She knew neither of them would be thinking about much else if they stayed home. “So you still want to go.”
“I’d rather you didn’t miss it. You need to get out.”
She breathed deeply, enjoying the clean feel of the winter air. “Are we going to start with Eve’s B and B?”
“Yeah. We’re all meeting there. She has to stay and sell cookies. The proceeds go to a charity for children. Most of my other friends participate in raising money, too. Callie usually donates whatever she makes off the photography appointments she books during Victorian Days—although, because of the new baby, she’s probably not doing it this year. Noah and Addy are auctioning off a bike at their bike store, that sort of thing. We’ll hang out with whoever’s available. Then we can check out whatever else we want.”
“Sounds good,” she said, and it was. Lourdes loved Little Mary’s B&B, which was lavishly decorated with boughs of holly and wreaths and the best Christmas tree she’d ever seen. The smell of cinnamon and vanilla permeated the entire place, and the cookies Eve served were beautifully decorated and delicious. Eventually, when Eve needed to feed her baby, Lourdes took over at the register. That was fun and, as word got out, Lourdes was soon autographing receipts.
“This will be the most we’ve ever raised,” Eve told her, marveling at the length of the line when she returned.
At that point, Lourdes was glad she’d come. Not only was she enjoying herself, she was doing a good deed—something else that felt nice.
“Where’s the baby?”
“Lincoln took him in the back so he can get some sleep.”
Lourdes could feel Kyle watching her as he lounged against one wall, talking to various friends and other people. She got the impression he was making sure no one got too close or treated her rudely, which made her feel special to him, even if he was hardly speaking to her.
Before long, she and Eve decided to put up a sign that said she’d take photographs of Lourdes posing with customers using their own cell phones for twenty dollars, money that would also be contributed to the charity.
Kyle allowed that to go on for some time. Then he must’ve felt her job was done, because he came by to rescue her. “We’re going to walk around for a bit, before everything closes down,” he told Eve. “I want Lourdes to see the rest of the festival.”
“Of course,” Eve said. “She’s done enough here.” Eve turned to her. “Thank you. You made Little Mary’s the hit of the whole celebration!”
Eve leaned over to give her a hug, but when she started to pull away, Lourdes held her tightly for a moment longer so she wouldn’t be just the recipient
of the hug but the giver, as well. “Thank you. I had a wonderful time.” Lord knew she’d needed to get her mind off her own troubles...
Eve’s smile grew even warmer. “Anytime.”
“I really like Eve,” Lourdes said as she and Kyle walked down the street. “Actually, I like all your friends.”
Kyle grunted.
“You’re so grumpy tonight.”
“Grumpy?” he repeated.
“Yes. What’s wrong with you?”
He stopped and gazed down at her for so long she thought he might kiss her. Then he shook his head, took her hand and continued walking.
“Are you going to explain yourself?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“What doesn’t matter?”
He stopped again, only this time he whirled on her as though he was angry. Instinctively, she backed up a step, but he just moved toward her, coming so close she could smell his aftershave. “What I’m feeling doesn’t matter.”
“Of course it does!”
“Fine. You want to hear it? I’m pissed at Noelle for setting the damn fire. I’m pissed at the fire inspector for suggesting it might be me. But mostly I’m pissed at myself, because I can’t get you off my mind. My plant’s been nearly destroyed, and yet I’ve spent most of my day trying to stay focused instead of thinking about the way you felt last night. I can almost taste you as if it just happened. Even worse, I didn’t get enough, didn’t take you the way I really wanted to.”
They were at Victorian Days; this was the last thing she’d expected Kyle to say. She glanced around. Fortunately, no one seemed to realize they’d left the B and B. She could hear a teenage girl telling her mother that she’d gotten a picture with Lourdes Bennett. But with everyone bundled up for the cold and moving in clumps, no one appeared to notice that she was now standing in their midst. “How do you want me?” she asked, throat dry, heart pounding.
There was a challenging glint in his eyes as he stepped closer. “Where I can watch as I make you tremble. See the look on your face when—”
That was as far as he got before she grabbed him by the shirtfront and pulled him behind the closest building. “Then what are you waiting for?” she asked and dragged his mouth to hers.
24
Kyle had expected what he’d said to intimidate Lourdes. She’d just come out of a painful breakup, should’ve run for cover when confronted with such a frank admission. That was what he’d been aiming for. He needed a way to win the war he was fighting against himself, and he’d thought if he revealed he wanted sex with meaning, she’d retreat to protect herself from anything too intense.
But she didn’t. Instead of rebuffing him, she’d tugged him into the dark alley behind Callie’s photography studio. And now she had his shirt up, her mouth on his chest and her hands a bit lower, in much more sensitive territory, although he still had his pants on. He should take her home, he told himself. If they were going to make love again, they shouldn’t do it here. She deserved better. But the longer he put off stopping, the harder it became to even consider it.
So much could happen on the drive home; for instance, sanity could return. And he definitely didn’t want that. Not yet.
“Lourdes, someone could see us.” He did feel obligated to warn her. Obviously, she wasn’t thinking straight, either. She had a lot more to lose than he did if compromising pictures appeared on the internet. But who would be in the alley? The celebration was in the center of town. And the same desperation he felt seemed to hold her in its same grip.
Although it was too dark to see clearly, he was fairly sure she smiled up at him as she unbuttoned his pants. Then she knelt down and put her mouth on him, and the intense pleasure that brought destroyed the rest of his common sense. His knees nearly buckled, and he had to lean against the building for support. But before he could lose control, he brought her to her feet. He didn’t want to come that way; he wanted to be inside her when they were face-to-face. So he made quick work of helping her remove the thick black tights she wore beneath her skirt, and then he found the condom in his wallet.
As he lifted her up against the building, he could hear his fellow townspeople singing carols around the big Christmas tree in the park a block over, but he didn’t care. He had to have her now, right in the middle of Victorian Days, because nothing else in the world seemed to matter.
Maybe it had to be like this with her, he decided. Otherwise they’d overthink it, second-guess what they were doing. When it was over, Kyle was breathing too hard to speak, but he wasn’t willing to release her too soon. He continued to hold her up against that building, feeling his heart pound as he buried his face in her neck and struggled to catch his breath.
She didn’t seem any more eager to separate. She kept her hands in his hair and her head resting against his as if these few seconds were as important as everything that had happened before.
When he finally set her on the ground and they hurried to dress and straighten their clothes, he also tried to help fix her hair. The way it fell about her face made her look thoroughly ravished and he didn’t want that to give them away.
He was afraid she might say something, might want to “talk.” But he wasn’t interested in trying to figure out what the hell was going on. What was the point? It wouldn’t change the facts. He didn’t put her anywhere near the “you’ve really fucked up your life now” class of mistakes that Noelle fell into, but he knew he was asking for more disappointment and pain. When it came to Lourdes, he just couldn’t seem to stop himself.
Fortunately, Lourdes said nothing. She simply stared up at him as he did his best to take care of the small things she wouldn’t be able to see without a mirror. “There you go,” he whispered. “You look great. Fine. No one will notice.”
She allowed him to take her hand. He was about to guide her to the edge of the celebration, where he hoped they could slip into the crowd, but a bitter voice he knew all too well broke the silence.
“Well, that was entertaining.”
* * *
Lourdes felt her stomach drop. Kyle’s hand tightened on hers, and he turned to confront his ex-wife. “What are you doing here?” he demanded.
“Certainly not what you’ve been doing,” she countered.
Lourdes cringed. She had never had sex in public before—couldn’t believe she’d been caught the first time. Did Noelle have pictures?
She doubted it. Fortunately, there wouldn’t have been enough light.
“You’ve been following me again,” Kyle said.
“Because I need to talk to you.”
“No, you don’t. We have nothing to say to each other.”
“Yes, we do! I was your wife. Can’t you at least give me...give me a few minutes?”
“For what?” he growled.
Lourdes could feel Kyle’s anger. She knew Noelle had to feel it, too. It seemed to take her off guard, was probably something she’d never seen before. With the fire, he’d finally lost all patience.
Noelle’s eyes darted in her direction, even though she addressed Kyle. “You have to quit telling the police that I’m the one who set fire to your plant, Kyle. It’s not true.”
“Don’t try to tell me you didn’t do it,” he said. “I saw you there.”
“Because I heard the sirens and...and I wasn’t far away. So I drove over to see what all the excitement was about. But I was just as shocked as everyone else when I saw those flames.”
“Which is why you left in such a hurry? Because it came as such a surprise? Funny, but everyone else who came by actually stuck around to watch.”
“I was afraid you’d see me! I didn’t want you to know I’d been driving past your place again.”
“Of course! You just happened to be driving by right at that moment.”
When she stepped out
from the shadow of the building, the moon’s weak rays revealed the fear in her eyes. “I’m there a lot. You know that. But I’m telling you I didn’t do it! I...I could never do something like that to you. You’re...” She took a deep breath and seemed to switch tactics. “You’re just trying to get rid of me once and for all, so you sent the police over to get my fingerprints, hoping I’d end up in prison.”
“I admit that no one’ll be happier to see you there than I will,” he said.
“Kyle!” she cried.
The way Noelle said his name, with a gasp, told Lourdes that comment had hurt.
“Leave me alone,” he said and began pulling Lourdes along with him as if Noelle didn’t matter, as if he’d leave her right where she was, calling after him.
But Noelle didn’t stay put. She followed them and began talking even more loudly. “You have to listen to me! You have to call them off! Please?”
Lourdes tugged on Kyle’s hand to get him to stop walking before they reached the crowds. She didn’t want this to become a public spectacle, with Noelle screeching at the top of her lungs that she’d just watched them having sex in the alley.
When Kyle came to a halt, so did Noelle. She seemed to understand that she was dealing with a much more determined man than he’d ever been before. She’d pushed him too far. “Lourdes, go to Eve’s,” Kyle said. “I’ll come for you there. I don’t want you involved in this anymore.”
“I won’t leave,” she said. She didn’t trust Noelle, was afraid Noelle might claim he’d hit her or even raped her. Lourdes wouldn’t put anything past someone who might have committed arson, and Noelle seemed so desperate tonight.
“I’m tired of your lies,” he said. “I’m tired of everything about you. What you look like. What you say. How you think. All your so-called emergencies. What does it take to get rid of you? For you to realize I’ve never loved you and never will?”