First, the big news. Finally, we did the deed. It was HORRIBLE, Vidya. I have no words to tell you how TERRIBLE it was. He came late from an office party a few days ago. I knew he was drunk, as he wasn’t at all like his usual self, and his breath had a weird smell. He told me I am a great girl. That too is very unusual. It is the first time since we got married that he is paying me a compliment like that. It is strange, but we have zero chemistry between us. There is no physical attraction whatsoever. I feel nothing when I lie in bed next to him.
I feel awful when I think about Suraj—how excited I felt to see him, how I noticed everything about him, and above all, how attracted I was to him. So I know, feeling this way about Bhuwan, this is definitely strange. I mean—I should at least feel something, right? But it does not seem to bother him at all. He is very okay with having no sex. Then, that night, suddenly, he seemed to have been transformed into another person. It was as if he was trying to seduce me. He paid me compliments, said I looked beautiful, and then proceeded to undress me. I was frozen with the unexpectedness of it all, not knowing what to say or how to react. I mean—he is my husband, after all.
Oh, Vidya—I clutched the bedsheets hard as he got on top of me, fumbling with his you-know-what. He then put on a condom. It hurt like crazy. It felt like some sandpaper down there. It did not last even a few minutes. A few thrusts and it was over. I breathed then. Is this what Anita didi and the others chuckle about? I can tell you one thing, Vidya—sex is highly overrated.
After the whole act, he said he was sorry for marrying me! Then he said he was sorry for having sex! He was blabbering. I have no idea why he was being apologetic. Maybe he realised that it was painful for me. Who knows? Anyway, I was just glad it was over.
The next morning, he apologised once again, saying that he had had a bit too much to drink, and he was sorry. Then he went back to being his old self. It was as if it had never happened. After that, he has not touched me again, but he continues to be polite and nice to me.
Last weekend, we went out for the first time without his mother. What a relief it was. Up to now, we have gone only to his relatives’ places, and with the full family. He took me to meet his friend Vikki. I like Vikki. He and Bhuwan have known each other for a very long time. Vikki wants to become a filmmaker. He is funny, and he makes me laugh. He is quite the opposite of Bhuwan! He is spontaneous, adventurous and great to be around. Bhuwan transforms into a different person around him, and he loosens up so much. Vikki, Bhuwan and I went to Sinhagad Fort in Vikki’s new jeep. (Yes, he drives an open jeep!) It’s great, as your hair flies in the wind. I enjoyed myself a lot, Vidya.
If you ever come here, we should so do the Sinhagad trek. I found it very easy, as we are used to the mountains in Joshimath. I was leading throughout, because it came so naturally to me. It took us about two hours to climb. The view was beautiful and it felt good to be in the mountains again. For a brief while, I felt at home.
‘You are such a mountain goat,’ Vikki said.
‘And you are only a goat,’ I retorted.
How Bhuwan laughed!
On top, where the fort was, there were stalls selling kulfi, bhakri (a Maharashtrian savoury) and matka dahi. I would have liked it better if it had been uninhabited. It felt very tame to me, but still, it was a change from visiting relatives.
My mother-in-law isn’t too pleased with my attending college. I heard her complaining to her friends when they came to visit. She thought I was in my room, doing my college work. And I was. I had served them tea and pakoras and had gone into my bedroom to work. But then I wanted a bottle of water, and I overheard them as I walked to the kitchen. I heard her tell them that I don’t do any housework, and all I am interested in is dressing up and going off to college. She said that she wants to be a grandmother soon, and she hopes I will give her some ‘good news’. I cringed when I heard that.
Shanta aunty said that I was very young, and to let me be.
‘What young? At her age, I used to fetch at least eight pots of water on my head, walking twenty-five kilometres, because we never had water in our ancestral home. It was my duty to see to all of that. Here, she cannot even manage the house. I was looking forward to retiring once my son wed. But it seems impossible, with the zero responsibility that this girl takes,’ she said.
I felt sad to hear that. I don’t know what responsibility she wants me to take on. She decides everything that has to be cooked. I do whatever she tells me to. What more does she want from me?
Vidya, I hardly find time for studies here. My mother-in-law keeps me on my toes all the time. I tried raising this with Bhuwan.
‘I wish I could do something about this. She has these set ideas in her head about how a daughter-in-law should be. The thing is, one can never win an argument with my mother. Just humour her for now, Veda. We will see what we can do about it,’ he said.
I am sorry for rambling on and on about my married life. But I feel you are the only person I can open up and pour my heart to.
Do not fall into this same trap that I have fallen into, Vidya.
Please study hard and start working. Marriage sucks.
I am happy that you are reading to Vandu, Vaish and Ani. Please convey my love to them. Tell them I am longing to see them, and I miss them very much. Tell them to study hard.
Please reply soon, Vidya.
Lots of love and a big hug,
Your sister,
Veda
Chapter 9
February 1996
Pune
Dearest, darling Vidya,
Please forgive me for not writing earlier. I am still in a state of shock. I haven’t recovered, even though it has been twenty-two days. I did not know whether to be happy or sad when I saw Ma and Papa here. I was so upset that the first time they came to this house was because of a death.
He was such a gentle soul. He was highly respected too. There were many academics who came to pay their last respects. All the neighbours and people who live in this residential complex came too. Bhuwan is in a state of shock. My mother-in-law is being very stoic. She single-handedly took charge of everything and Bhuwan just followed her orders.
Oh, Vidya—seeing death this close has left me shaken to the very core. What if something like this happens to Papa?
I shudder to think of it.
Everyone says my father-in-law is fortunate that he passed away in his sleep. They say things like, ‘God came down from heaven and carried him away in his chariot.’ I don’t know, Vidya; I think death is always devastating. It leaves behind fragments for others to collect. Shards that tear your insides.
I barely knew my father-in-law. Yet, I recall so fondly the one conversation we had on the balcony that day. I can’t but help wonder (selfishly perhaps), that if he hadn’t had that lovely conversation with me, would I have felt his death this deeply? He had told me to be forgiving towards my mother-in-law, and that she was uneducated. He had told me to bear with her and that she has a heart of gold.
I am yet to see that gold.
Vidya—do you know, my mother-in-law openly told all the relatives who visited that I had brought bad luck to the family? I felt miserable and sad when I heard those words. She did not bother that Ma and Papa were visiting. She carried on lamenting loudly about this to all who came. My heart sank when I saw Papa hanging his head in shame, and Ma being so apologetic. I felt worthless and helpless.
Why, Vidya, why? Why did they have to shoulder this blame that my mother-in-law has chosen to place on me?
What made it worse was that Bhuwan remained silent. I hoped that he would defend me. I wanted him to tell his mother to shut up. Instead, he stood silently, holding her, comforting her.
I am glad Ma and Papa left as soon as the body was taken for cremation.
Vikki was very comforting towards me. He was present throughout. I think Bhuwan is fortunate to have him as a friend. He took me inside and told me to ignore whatever my mother-in-law was saying.
‘
People say all kinds of things when they are extremely upset. I’m she doesn’t mean any of it,’ he said.
I believed him for a while.
But the way she behaves towards me has totally changed. She wasn’t friendly to begin with. But now she has become unbearably oppressive.
If she sees me, she turns the other way. She doesn’t look at my face. She pretends I do not exist. It hurts me, Vidya, and I think she knows it. I hate myself because I find that I am doing things to earn her approval. For instance, I did all the cooking yesterday. She did not help at all. She said she was feeling very upset and was going to visit Shanta aunty. When she came back and saw that I had finished cooking everything, she did not even utter a single word. When I served her the meal, she said it was too bland, and that the masalas I had used were all wrong. There was no need for her to make that comment. But I cannot do anything right in her eyes.
I am now beginning to feel that maybe it is all my fault. Maybe I have been unlucky for this family. Look at the timing of his death. It’s not even three months since we got married, and already they have had a tragedy. Do you remember what Renu maasi used to say—that a new bride is Lakshmi Devi incarnate and she brings luck to the family. How can this be when I have brought them only ill luck?
I am such a coward, Vidya. I should stand up to her and tell her to not ignore me like this. I feel insignificant when she does that. But I am terrified. I am unable to speak up. That has always been my problem. Back home, I had you to speak up for me. Here, I feel all alone. I bitterly regret getting married. I should have had the courage, Vidya. I should have spoken my mind to Papa. I don’t blame anyone but myself. I wish I was stronger.
I asked Bhuwan to speak to my mother-in-law about how she is behaving. He says it is best to let her be for a few days at least. He says she is grieving and she is very upset. He doesn’t want to do anything to upset her further. I get the feeling that he too blames me, although he has not said anything to that effect. But the vibe I get from him is of aloofness. He hardly converses with me. Any effort from my side to make conversation is met with polite, studied replies. There is no real and open interaction. Perhaps he is grieving too and misses his father. I want to talk to him, but he seems to have shut me out.
I did very badly in my mock exams because of all this. I could barely touch my books.
I hope you are studying hard, and I hope you do well in your board exams. They are just around the corner now.
Write back to me, when time permits, and I understand if you take a while to reply.
Exams are important after all.
All my love,
Your sister,
Veda
‘When the proper things are not followed or done, there is always a price to pay,’ said Padma Devi to nobody in particular.
Veda and she were in the kitchen, cooking. Veda winced when she heard those words. She did not know what her mother-in-law was implying, but she knew the words were directed at her. She said nothing in response and continued to chop the vegetables, her head bowed.
Bhuwan was reading the morning newspaper. He had started sitting in the balcony, in the same chair his father used to occupy. He missed his father terribly. The images of the funeral pyre and the hundreds of rituals—or so they seemed to him—that he had performed, still played in his head. His father’s death had been a shock and he was still coming to terms with it. He did not know what to do with this new feeling of heaviness in his heart, which seemed to have found its way inside and had set like concrete.
Looking back, he thought about how frail his father had become over the past few months. In retrospect, he understood that his health had been deteriorating. But since his father had never complained, and since he had no ailments, they had never paid much attention to it. Bhuwan wondered if his father’s death could have been prevented, had they insisted on regular medical check-ups. It was too late now, yet these thoughts kept churning in his head.
‘Nobody listens to me,’ said Padma Devi, a little louder this time, as she forcefully yanked a large steel vessel from a lower shelf in the kitchen. The loud clang of the steel as it hit the other vessels startled Bhuwan, forcing him to snap out of his thoughts.
‘Eh? Sorry, Ma, I didn’t hear you,’ he said.
‘How will you hear? This kalmuhi here has brainwashed you. You don’t even have time for your mother anymore,’ said Padma Devi.
Veda felt as if she had been slapped. Had she really said that? Had she just called her a kalmuhi?
This was an open insult. So far, Veda had silently borne the brunt of Padma Devi’s behaviour and indirect abuse. But this was unbearable. Veda opened her mouth to protest. No words came out, though. Years of conditioning took over. Veda bit back the words that rose to her lips, swallowed them, not allowing them to escape. She kept mum, waiting for Bhuwan to say something.
But Bhuwan just muttered a few incomprehensible words that had a very vague resemblance to a half-hearted objection, after which he continued to read the paper.
‘What? What did you say?’ asked Padma Devi, ready to pounce on him.
‘Nothing, Ma,’ said Bhuwan.
Satisfied, Padma Devi continued her rant and directed it at Veda.
‘All these happenings—it is because you aren’t having a bath in the morning and you are not lighting the lamp. You know the rituals, don’t you? In your house, don’t they do the pooja?’
‘We do,’ said Veda, trying to keep her voice steady.
‘Then? You know that it has to be done. Not once since you stepped into this house have you done the pooja. No wonder we got cursed. You’d better wake up at 5.30 a.m. from tomorrow. I will wake you when I get up. I don’t want you lazing in bed. Have a shower and perform the pooja. Is that clear?’ Padma Devi glowered.
Veda mentally pictured herself waking up at 5.30. It would be impossible. Since she had not done too well in her mock exams, she was determined to put in extra effort in her academics. She had discovered that the best time to start studying was after everyone went to bed. So she stayed up till 3 a.m. on most nights. Now her mother-in-law had just announced this new rule of waking up at 5.30. How would she manage on two-and-a-half hours of sleep? Besides, she had no idea how to perform any of the rituals. At home, it was always her mother who said the mantras and performed the arati. Her role, and that of her siblings, had always been that of silent bystanders.
‘I . . . I’m sleeping quite late these days, Maaji. To study for my exams,’ Veda mustered all her courage and spoke up.
‘What?’ demanded Padma Devi, irritated that Veda had dared to talk back.
‘I . . . I will not be able to wake up that early. I have to study for my exams,’ Veda stammered.
Padma Devi turned away. Her eyes blazed with anger and she gritted her teeth. Her posture reminded Veda of a bull bracing for a fight.
Veda’s heart thudded faster. She was frightened of her mother-in-law’s temper. Each time she raised her voice, Veda just wanted to disappear. There was something about Padma Devi that was unnerving. Veda simply couldn’t stand up to her wrath.
Padma Devi snorted in derision and walked up to Bhuwan.
‘Did you hear what your wife said? Eh? She says she won’t be able to wake up early and do the pooja. Do you know, it is the woman of the house who must do the rituals? Is it such a big thing I am asking? It is for the good of this house, is it not? It is not for myself. I am telling you, all these things happen when you break tradition,’ Padma Devi ranted.
‘Yes, Ma. We will do it,’ Bhuwan told his mother in a placatory tone.
Veda turned away. She couldn’t believe that her husband had just agreed to this unreasonable request. Surely, he could see how much her studies meant to her? Why wasn’t he speaking up?
Later that night, as they retired to bed, Veda confronted Bhuwan.
‘Why do you just agree to anything she says?’ she asked him.
‘She is in mourning, Veda, can’t you see? She misses Baba ver
y much.’
‘I know, Bhuwan. But how is it that you cannot see how hard it is for me?’
‘Sleep later, na? Do whatever pooja she wants you to do. Can’t you sleep for a bit after coming back from college?
‘Bhuwan, don’t you know your mother? She will not let me sleep. In her book, sleep is a crime. She doesn’t ever take a nap, have you noticed?’ said Veda. The frustration in her voice was rising.
‘Alright, I will explain to her,’ said Bhuwan. Then he turned around and went to sleep.
Veda lay awake for a long time. She thought about her life in Joshimath and how she would never have been in this situation had she spoken up boldly. But she just could not imagine taking a stance, opposing her parents. She hated herself for being so passive. She hated herself for trying to please her mother-in-law. She hated Bhuwan for not standing up for her. She was filled with self-loathing and regret.
What had her life turned into? All she was doing was cooking and housework, with only Padma Devi for company. Bhuwan came home late on most days. Sure, she attended college, but she had no friends there. Back home in Joshimath, she’d had her sisters, her friends and her academics. Here, even that—academics—was slowly slipping from her hands. She had prided herself on being an outstanding student, but now, she barely had the time to even glance at her books.
Veda felt that her dreams were dying a slow death. With each passing day, she felt as if she was fading into oblivion. She was finding marriage and all the responsibilities that came with it a gigantic burden to bear. She felt stifled, imprisoned, suppressed. She saw no escape. It was a prison she had willingly walked into. Now she was trapped.
She sobbed into her pillow, feeling miserable and sorry for herself.
Bhuwan did not even realise she was crying; he slept on peacefully.
Veda continued to sob, and when she exhausted her tears, she fell into a slumber, eyes swollen and red from crying.
Chapter 10
The Rule Breakers Page 8