by Thia Finn
“What makes you think that’s all I do? I wanted it to look like a home.” God, have I always been so predictable? This was exactly why I needed to make changes. I felt like such a douche. I know that’s what she thought, too.
“Come on Carter. Paparazzi loves you. You make their lives easy.”
“That’s harsh, Halo. Harsh.” I don’t know why I’m even arguing with her about this because she’s right. My shit’s all over the internet. At some point over these past years, I took pride in giving them what they wanted. Seeing it through her eyes, I’m disgusted with myself. No wonder she feels about me the way she does.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, but you have to know this. You can’t pick up a tabloid or go to a media site without seeing something that exemplifies your life.”
I scratched the back of my head. “Yeah, I guess I can’t argue that, can I?”
She shook her head no. We wandered back to the living area and sat down. I didn’t know how to continue the evening. No matter what I did would seem wrong.
The silence grew awkward for both of us. I finally stood. “Hey, I’m not a good host at all. You want something to drink? I think I could use one.” The wet bar stocked everything anyone could request.
“No, I’m good. You can take me home if you want.” She sensed my uneasiness.
“What? No, I’m not ready for you to leave. I wanted to bring you here so I could share the real me with you. I’m not the same guy, Halo.” I sat beside her. “I’m different from the kid you loved in high school.”
“Oh yeah, I got that the first day.” Her sarcastic tone let me know she remembered that Carter just fine.
“Yeah, but now, I don’t want to be the guy you read about or saw online. I want to be a better man, Halo.”
“Why Carter? Aren’t you happy being that guy? Why change now?” She looked me straight in the eyes. Maybe she wanted to judge the truthfulness of my answer.
I blew out a breath. “You cut straight to the heart every time, Halo.”
“I’ve always wanted honesty from you. We may be older, but there are some things about neither of us that will ever change and that’s one of them for me.”
“Right. I should’ve never doubted that.”
“You didn’t answer me. Why now Carter?” Oh, man. I’m scared shitless. How’s she going to react to the truth?
“Okay, but remember you asked for this so try to have an open mind.” We faced each other, and I took her hands as I said it. I needed some connection before I spilled the truth to her.
“I’m tired, Halo. Tired of being that guy. Tired of jumping from one bed to another, one woman to another. I want something more permanent in my life. Something lasting. I want us to give us another chance. We were in love before.” Her eyes grew wider as each word passed my lips.
“I suppose some of me has kept what we had locked away since that day before I left. You straightened your backbone and stood up to me, but the look you left me with killed me. I hated myself at that moment, but the pride I felt for you right then, I never forgot. You were much stronger than me. I wanted to run after you and beg you to forget what I said. I watched you walk away thinking you’d be there the next morning to see me off.
“When you didn’t show, I knew you did the right thing for you and for us. I guess I’ve been spending these years searching for what I didn’t see standing right in front of me, a strong, beautiful woman who knew her own mind.”
“That’s bullshit, Carter.” Wow, not the reaction I thought I would get for pouring out my heart.
“You made the decision without even giving us a chance to try. It couldn’t have hurt me any worse if you’d taken a knife and stabbed me in the heart and walked away. No, scratch that, you did stab me in the heart. I bled for months but somehow the wound healed, and I moved on.”
We stared at each other, neither of us knowing where to go from here. It wasn’t declarations of love but we did share honest and true emotions to each other. This could be a start.
“So, where do we go from here, Halo?”
“Nowhere, Carter. How can we? Our lives are not any different now than they were eight years ago. You’re still in the band, and I’ve added another layer of complications by forming one, too. If anything, it’s worse than before.” She pulled her hands away and stood up. “I think you need to take me home.”
“No.”
“No?”
“No, I’m not taking you home. We aren’t walking away this time. Together we can make this decision. Not you and not me, us.”
“Seems like the decision is made, Carter. You’ll go on with AD, and Hayden and I will do our own thing. Sometimes our paths will cross and sometimes they won’t.” She pulled her phone out.
“What are you doing?”
“Sending for an Uber. I’m going home.”
“Please, no. Let’s talk about this.” She looked at me and the sadness in her eyes said it all. She wasn’t willing to try. She didn’t want to open herself up to the pain and heartache I could cause. What she didn’t realize is that now she held the same option in her hands. Her actions could destroy me. Seeing her with another man would kill me. I want her.
“It’s here already,” she said as she turned to the door. I stood and watched her walk out. Once again, I wanted more time, and she didn’t give it to me. Only this time, I knew I was the loser.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I said it loud and clear in the empty room. Without her here, I once again heard the echo. How could I fix this?
Chapter Thirty-Four
“Wait, Halo,” Hayden called to me. “You’re still coming in on the wrong notes. Where are you today? We need to get this nailed down.”
“I know, sorry. I can’t seem to get my head wrapped around the music today.” Yeah, my brain exploded last night. I wanted Carter, badly. I couldn’t do it, though. I would never allow him to hurt me again so at this point all we had was sex. We were good at that.
“So want to talk about what’s going on?” Hayden’s caring look made it even worse. Tears welled in my eyes.
“No, I just need to get my shit together.”
“Looks like it’s more than that to me.” Why did he have to be nice? He needed to be a mean old bastard and treat me like dirt. Hating him would make it all easy. I could walk away and let him move on to success without me. He didn’t need me to be successful. His country music career would escalate without me on board.
I finally looked at him. “I just have some stupid shit going on that’s causing me to stress out. I’m fine. Let’s try again.”
His phone sounded like the something out of Jungle Book. “That’s Crew’s ringtone.” He pulled it out and touched accept.
“Hey, little dude, what’s up?” I looked down at the music to try to get my mind on what I needed to do to make this right.
“No, no. I’ll be there. Call an ambulance now. No, now,” he screamed into the phone. He dropped his guitar and took off with me chasing him.
“What’s going on?”
“Gotta get to Crew. Either go or stay.” We were in his truck, and I barely got my door shut before he floored the gas pedal. I buckled up and held on. I didn’t dare try to ask questions. Hayden flew around corners, ran stop signs, and treated red lights like blinking lights. I did text Peri though thinking she might know what was happening, but she didn’t reply right away.
The ambulance pulled into the driveway just ahead of us and the paramedics ran with bags over their shoulders in the opened door with the nanny standing there waiting. I prayed Crew was okay, but I didn’t know. Maybe he just fell down or something. Kids got hurt all the time. So many different scenarios ran through my mind. Looking through the back windows, I saw they had a pool.
“Oh please let him be okay, God. Please,” I whispered.
Crew laid lifeless on the couch which caused my anxiety to shoot up immediately. The blue around his lips made it even worse. I stood back and watched in horror as the param
edics quickly started on him. Hayden kneeled beside his lifeless little body and spoke calmly to him. He didn’t get any response out of Crew. I knew Hayden had to be scared to death because I certainly was. I heard a noise and looked over to see the nanny crying softly watching the paramedics work.
I moved next to her and wrapped my arm around her shoulders. When she finally took her eyes off Crew, I gave her a brief smile but never got one in return.
“What happened, Nanny?”
“I don’t really know. He played outside this morning, and I went in and out checking on him like I have done for months now. Hayden told me not to hover over him, so I usually sat inside where I could see him. I made his lunch, and I called out to him to come in to eat. When he didn’t answer, I went out and he stood on the patio with the strangest look on his face. I noticed him coughing a little earlier, but didn’t think too much about it. He came in and laid down on the couch still coughing so I went over to him. When I got a good look at his face, I knew immediately something was wrong. His little lips were turning blue. He was barely breathing when I called his dad and then 911.”
She let out a sob. “I should have been out there with him the whole time. I don’t like leaving them alone outside, but his dad said it would be fine.”
“He’s never had trouble before, right?”
“No, never. I have noticed in the last week him coughing some but nothing to worry about really. He’s outside all the time with Tucker. With Tuck gone, though, he had to entertain himself today.” She sniffled again.
As soon as the paramedics had him stable under a mask, they loaded him in the ambulance and left. Hayden climbed right in with them so I followed in his truck with the nanny. She cried all the way there telling me how sorry she was this happened.
“I’m sure it’s nothing you did, Nanny. Let’s hear what the doctor has to say.” She nodded her head, but I knew she worried all the same.
They rolled Crew in, and he looked better from what little I could see. He was trying to talk to his dad.
“Be quiet, little dude. Let the people do their jobs,” Hayden told him.
“I’m sleepy, Daddy,” Crew spoke from behind the mask. “I don’t get to sleep until I have my lunch, but I don’t want to eat today.”
“It’s okay, son. If the doctor says you can sleep, you can skip lunch today.” Hayden looked at the doctor who nodded. Hayden bent and kissed Crew on the forehead before the boy closed his eyes and slept. The group disappeared into a room, so I took Nanny to the lobby to wait.
An hour later, I’d had enough waiting. No one came out to tell us a thing so I started asking questions. The people behind the admissions desk wouldn’t tell me anything since I wasn’t related, so I shot Hayden a text. I looked up a minute later, and he stood at the door and let me in with him.
“What’s going on Hayden? We’ve been worried to death out here.”
“I’m sorry. I hated to leave him alone in there in case he woke up. The nurse is with him right now.”
We stepped behind the curtain, and the sweetest face looked up at us smiling. I turned to Hayden. “You have to go get Nanny, too. She’s made herself sick with worry.”
“Shit, I forgot about her waiting out there, too.” He left, and I walked beside Crew’s bed.
“Hey there, little guy.”
“Hi.” His voice sounded hoarse. “I been sick.”
“I see that, but you’re getting better now, right?”
“Yeah, I feel funny, though.” He turned his head away from me but looked back as the curtain opened with Hayden and Nanny coming in the small room.
“Oh, Crew, baby. You had me worried to death.” Nanny’s white hair shone from the lights above the boy’s bed as she bent over to hug him.
“I’m okay, Nanny. I just couldn’t take a breath.”
Hayden and I stepped to the edge of the room to talk. “So what happened to him?” I asked.
“I don’t know yet. I’m trying to let him calm down from all of it. The doctor said it looks like an asthma attack, but he’s never had one before so I don’t know how it happened. God, Halo, I can’t tell you how scared I was. When I saw him lying on that couch so still and blue around the lips, it scared the shit out of me.” Tears formed in his eyes. “I thought I was going to lose him.”
I wrapped Hayden in my arms and held on. His love for that boy ran deep, and I knew his nerves were on the edge of breaking. He hugged me tight until he heard Crew give a small laugh. We turned and looked at him.
“Daddy, you need to hug me, not her. She’s a girl.”
“Dude, are you jealous of Miss Halo? She’s my friend.”
“But girls are gross. Me and Tucker don’t like girls, except RiRi and Channey and Nanny. That’s the only girls we like.”
I smiled at Hayden as he spoke to his son. “Well, you have to learn to like Miss Halo, too. You know I need her. She’s my singing partner, buddy.”
“Okay, if you need her, I guess she’s all right.” He gifted me with a sweet smile.
Hayden sat down and pulled the chair up close to the side of the hospital bed. “Crew, dude, we need to talk a little bit about what happened to you.” Crew’s face scrunched up, and he turned his head away.
“I’m sorry, Daddy. I didn’t mean to get sick.”
“No, you have nothing to be sorry for, buddy. Getting sick is part of growing up, but sometimes we need to know what might’ve caused you to get sick so it doesn’t happen again. The doctor said something could have started it, and that’s what we have to figure out.”
“Yeah, it was scary to me when I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe in a lot of air. It hurt me right here.” He pointed to his chest. “And right here.” He pointed down his throat.
“Right. We don’t want you to hurt any place, and we sure want you to breathe.” Hayden took Crew’s hand. “So before you hurt, what were you doing? Were you playing in the dirt?”
“No. I didn’t play in the dirt today.” He wouldn’t look at Hayden. I knew whatever he was doing must have been something he wasn’t supposed to be doing.
“But you didn’t say what you were doing. Just tell me, Crew. You’re not in trouble,” Hayden assured the boy.
“Well, me and Tuck have a secret, and I’m not posed to tell.”
“Some secrets you can share if it means keeping you safe, though, and I know you wouldn’t want to let Tucker be unsafe and get hurt like you did.”
The little guy shook his head no. “I wouldn’t like Tucker to get hurt. It was scary, Daddy when I couldn’t get air.”
“So tell me what your secret is, and we’ll make sure no one gets hurt again,” Hayden spoke in soft tones to try to persuade the boy.
“Me and Tucker found something, and we want to keep it but you and RiRi might not like it.”
“It doesn’t matter if we like it. We only want to keep you both safe.” As hard as Hayden tried, his aggravated tone finally slipped in.
“Promise not to be mad at me and Tuck, Daddy?” His bottom lip quivered ever so slightly.
“Dude, I promise no matter what you say, I will not be mad at you for telling the truth. Not ever.” These kinds of comments built lasting honesty between the father and son, even if Hayden didn’t realize it yet.
Hayden squeezed the boy’s hand, and Crew finally spoke. “Me and Tucker found a kitten.” He spoke rapidly. “It’s really soft and its fur is yellow.” Using his hands, he formed a little small shape. “And Daddy, it’s a tiny kitty that makes a little meow like, ‘meeeooowww’. We took some milk to it and it drank a bunch, and then it curled up in the towel we got from the towels in the laundry room so we left it behind the pool room, and it was warm and furry and soft.”
Whew, so many words poured out of him at once, I had to smile. He looked so cute telling the story.
“Did you hold the kitten, Crew?” Hayden asked him.
“Yes, sir. We both held him the other day but today, Tucker’s with his mom and dad so I got
to hold it all by myself. I put it in my lap, and it crawled up under my neck, and I let it stay there. It was soft and warm and made a ddd noise when I scratched its head.” He finally put his head down. “Can we keep it please, Daddy? If RiRi says it’s okay, can we please? We’ve never had a cat. Can we please?”
“Crew, I know you’d love to have it, but I’m afraid that’s what made you sick. The doctor asked me if we had a cat, and I told him no. He said that cats can sometimes set off what happened to you, so if we keep the kitty, it will make you sick again.”
Tears rolled down his face. “Okay, Daddy. I don’t want to not have air in my mouth, but what’s going to happen to the kitty? It won’t have any food if we don’t help it. It’ll get sick, too.”
“No, we’ll find it a new home where it won’t make anyone sick. How about that? If I promise we’ll find it a home, will you be all right with that?”
Crew nodded his head. “Yes, sir. Can I tell it bye, or will that make me sick again?”
“Yeah, I’m afraid it might ‘cause you to not breathe again. Maybe you can wave at it through the car window. How about that?”
“Okay. If that’s all I can do, I’ll wave bye to it.”
Chapter Thirty-Five
Hayden and I walked out leaving Nanny talking to Crew about the kitten. “I’m glad you found out the cause of his problem so easily,” I told Hayden.
“Yeah, now we have to find the cat and take it to a rescue place. I never thought about him finding a cat. It must’ve wandered away from someone’s house around ours. I’ll put the word out and see if it’s one of the neighbors’ but it has to go today. If it’s a neighbor’s cat, they’ll have to keep it inside. We can’t have Crew having an asthma attack from the kitten every time it gets away.”
“No, I don’t think you want to get that phone call again.” When we rounded the corner, the waiting room was full. The band family all stood and sat in the small space.