by Bev Aisbett
LEARN from them
RISK new experiences (e.g., there is always a risk of sadness when you fall in love with someone)
See the VALUE in these emotions motivating CHANGE, rather than STALLING change
Interestingly, research has shown that people who see VALUE in their negative emotions are less BOTHERED by them than those who see negative emotions as something HARMFUL and to be AVOIDED.
WORKING DAY 22
• How might you USE your experience of depression to add MEANING to your life (and the lives of OTHERS)?
• Reflect on how so-called ‘negative’ feelings have motivated you to make necessary CHANGES in your life.
• Spend HALF of today being MISERABLE. Do not let ANYTHING cheer you up! Now spend the other half of the day being CHEERFUL. Do NOT let ANYTHING bring you down! Notice how it is virtually impossible to completely sustain either emotional state indefinitely.
• Today, focus on appreciating the CONTRASTS in your life and how each is VALID.
YOUR MANTRA FOR DAY 22
‘Life is an eternal seesaw. I am MEANT to go up and down – but not stay STUCK on either end!’
DAY 23
MOVE ALONG – nothing to see here
(or set your ELEPHANT free)
Holding on to the PAST is like trying to walk with an ELEPHANT on your back (and yes, it’s a relative of the elephant from DAY 17).
It’s very, very hard to go ANYWHERE with an elephant on your back!
Elephants are HEAVY, CUMBERSOME, NOISY and only helpful when you’re the one doing the RIDING, not the other way around!
Letting go of the past is a DECISION to no longer let it WEIGH YOU DOWN.
When you hold on to the PAST, you let it DEFINE you and, too often, people use it as a JUSTIFICATION for their limitations:
‘I can’t be HAPPY because of what happened to me.’
‘I can’t find FULFILMENT today because I lost something back then.’
‘I can’t do this NEW THING / ACHIEVE A GOAL / LEARN THIS because I was CRITICISED or made FUN of when I tried before.’
‘I was HURT the last time I trusted someone, therefore, NO-ONE is TRUSTWORTHY.’
‘I did a HORRIBLE THING once, and that means I’m still a BAD person.’
‘My life is FOREVER RUINED because of what was done to me.’
‘I can never love ANYONE again after my love has gone.’
‘I will never FORGIVE.’
Holding on to the PAST does NOTHING to improve what happened. It doesn’t BRING PEOPLE BACK or make them say SORRY or even FEEL REGRET!
All it does is CHAIN you to that ELEPHANT. Nothing ELSE is achieved. Nothing is FIXED. Nothing is HEALED. Nothing is CHANGED for the better.
LOSING YOURSELF doesn’t make ‘them’ sorry. Really, they couldn’t CARE LESS! They may not even think they’ve done anything WRONG!
Once, those people who may have hurt you seemed to be BIGGER than you in some way, but that is no longer the case if you choose to EXPAND yourself.
The issue is not what happened THEN but what you DO NOW about what was done, instead of TORTURING yourself by HOLDING ON to it.
Whatever happened then is no longer in your CONTROL to change. It is important that you let go of the things over which you don’t actually have any control – such as what other people do, or did.
The art in moving on is in becoming BIG enough yourself to not be threatened by others’ SMALLNESS. To be able to look back and know that they taught you how NOT to be, and that you have become better than the example they showed you. The best REVENGE is to be happy.
And – here’s an IMPORTANT point – your MIND shouldn’t have to handle more than 24 HOURS at a time! Crowd it with any more than that and it becomes OVERWHELMED. This is why staying in the PRESENT is so important.
You know what? Your ELEPHANT would be just as happy to be free of YOU as you would be relieved to be free of HIM! It’s time to FREE your ELEPHANT!
WORKING DAY 23
• Imagine your life is a PLAY and all the people in your life are CHARACTERS, each with a given role. There will be HEROES, VILLAINS, CAMEO PARTS, LEADING ROLES and EXTRAS. Write down the CAST of your PLAY and describe the CHARACTER of each member, including your OWN.
• What part do those in your PAST play in your CURRENT life? How might you change the SCRIPT to IMPROVE the relationship or DILUTE its impact?
• Try to LOCATE the PAST. Where does it actually EXIST? Realise that it cannot exist beyond your thoughts.
• TRY MEDITATION. Fifteen minutes daily is all it takes to make a BIG difference to your wellbeing over time. Simply close your eyes and bring your mind to the PRESENT every time it wanders off, by bringing your attention to your BREATH.
• TRY MINDFULNESS. Bring your FULL attention to THIS MOMENT. Notice fully what you are FEELING, HEARING, SEEING, SMELLING, TASTING and TOUCHING till all else falls away.
YOUR MANTRA FOR DAY 23
‘The PAST is GONE. It does not EXIST beyond my THOUGHTS.’
DAY 24
Forgive EVERYBODY – especially YOURSELF
The only sure way to lighten the load is to let everybody off the hook – especially YOURSELF.
This can seem like a MAJOR TASK if you feel you have been badly hurt, but there are ways of seeing things that make way for FORGIVENESS.
To hold resentment is to enslave YOURSELF. The more time you spend feeling resentful, the more you become tangled in the anger that arises from it, and you end up in emotional, psychological and spiritual bondage to the one you feel resentment TOWARDS. In the end, the one holding the resentment suffers most, and that is YOU.
Forgiveness is often confused with CONDONING bad behaviour, but forgiveness involves seeing the HUMAN behind the behaviour and having COMPASSION for someone’s shortfalls.
This does not mean that the perpetrator is not ACCOUNTABLE for their acts; instead, it means that THEIR acts no longer have power over YOUR wellbeing.
In other words, you SET LOOSE the perpetrator to deal with the consequences of their actions according to their own conscience. It no longer has anything to do with you.
We often think that staying angry with someone is the only way to VALIDATE our own hurt and suffering, but hanging on does nothing to change what has happened, and only keeps you STUCK in a toxic emotional relationship with the person who has hurt you.
Stepping up to forgiveness means embracing a certain level of evolved consciousness. It means being BIGGER than another’s smallness, LEARNING from the experience, ACCEPTING your own part in the dynamic (such as STICKING AROUND when you would have been best OUT OF THERE) and being willing to see the human flaws in ALL people.
There are ways to open up to this kind of thinking by contemplating the following:
People do what they do for their own reasons. These reasons may not be valid for you but are to the person who is acting on them.
People do what they do because it fits their own ‘story’ of how they think things are.
People do what they do only because they think doing it will make them feel better or will be helpful to them in some way.
At the heart of even the most heinous act is someone in pain.
Until they are evolved, people are essentially small children walking around in adult bodies.
A person who is evolved does not harm others. A person who is afraid or threatened does.
People teach you about yourself.
We teach people how to treat us.
Humans, on the whole, are still very much in SURVIVAL MODE and, as such, we often feel THREATENED or in COMPETITION with one another. Most of the time we are locked into POWER PLAYS because we feel we don’t HAVE enough or that we ourselves are NOT ENOUGH.
This causes us to act in less than ideal ways – we TAKE what we can because we fear LOSING (or never having), or we GIVE AWAY our power to someone else because we fear NOT BEING LOVED.
In the end, there is only one thing behind ‘bad’ behaviour –
FEAR. How might this affect the way you feel about someone else’s behaviour now?
Forgiving YOURSELF for the same humanness is also VITAL. It’s time to forgive EVERYBODY – including YOU!
In fact, you can learn much about YOURSELF from the way that people RESPOND to you. For example, if someone treats you DISRESPECTFULLY, what aspect of your OWN behaviour might you need to develop to prevent this happening again? Perhaps you might need to ASSERT yourself more or make BETTER CHOICES about who you associate with.
Seeing others as your MIRROR and making the necessary IMPROVEMENTS can transform them from ADVERSARIES to TEACHERS.
WORKING DAY 24
• Divide a page into TWO COLUMNS. In the left-hand column, write down the things that you have done that you are not proud of. Now on the right-hand side, list whatever FEARS may have led you to do what you did at the time.
• Now do a similar list for someone who you feel has hurt you and try to speculate on what their reasoning might have been for doing what they did. Think of how they may have also been acting out of FEAR.
• Go for a walk and look at other people you pass on your way. See them as CHILDREN. How does that change the way you feel about them and how you are affected by them?
• DO A FORGIVENESS RITUAL. Find 15 minutes in your day to take time out to do this ritual. Close your eyes and imagine that running from your navel are cords (like umbilical cords) that are keeping you attached to OLD and UNHELPFUL relationships. These relationships are attached to you by your hanging on to your HURT and ANGER – not only to OTHERS but towards YOURSELF. It is time to CUT THOSE CORDS. Imagine a big sword is now coming down and severing those cords. Now see those people (and the person you were) drifting away over the horizon to their own destiny. Let them go in PEACE. They are no longer your CONCERN.
• Now think about what you have LEARNED from these encounters that you can use to IMPROVE your life from here on.
• Think of the times you feel that someone has been or is UNKIND to you. Ask yourself:
When have I done the SAME?
What is this person showing me about MYSELF?
• Finally, say ‘THANK YOU’ for this lesson.
YOUR MANTRAS FOR DAY 24
‘People do things for their OWN reasons, including ME.’
‘People show me MYSELF.’
DAY 25
The HEART of the MATTER
I’m now going to do the BIG REVEAL. Here is the reason you’re depressed. There is NO OTHER REASON . . .
. . . the ONE and ONLY reason people feel depressed is that they don’t feel LOVED or LOVABLE and they are looking for love in all the WRONG PLACES.
Your sense of SELF-WORTH rests on YOU, but you place all the emphasis on SOMEONE ELSE’S behaviour or attitude towards you.
Do you BELIEVE you are WORTHY of love?
The BIG question is: do you love YOURSELF?
According to researcher and author Brené Brown, after six years and THOUSANDS of case studies researching the key factor governing those who have a strong sense of love and belonging in their lives and those who don’t, it comes down to ONE THING: the BELIEF (or lack of) that one is WORTHY of love and belonging. NOTHING MORE THAN THIS determines one’s ability to have loving relationships.
If you don’t love yourself, you’re going to attract people who have a similar opinion of you.
When you don’t love yourself, you are endlessly looking to others to determine your worth and to VALIDATE you. But have you noticed that no matter HOW MANY TIMES others may tell you that you are WORTHY or LOVABLE, it is NEVER enough? And what happens if others do NOT validate you in the way that you need? You fall APART.
You can give a million reasons why you might be depressed but at the heart of the condition is a feeling of being EXCLUDED, UNLOVED and UNWANTED, no matter whether this is in a corporate, recreational or domestic setting.
We all want to be loved. And if that’s not coming into your life – whether it be in the form of a PROMOTION, a RELATIONSHIP, FITTING IN or myriad other situations – at the heart of this is a belief that you are UNWORTHY of these things. There is nothing more to your depression than this. This is the challenge that you must overcome. And it BEGINS and ENDS with YOU.
No-one else can do this for you. No-one else can fill the GAP in you but YOU. Stop EXPECTING them to.
Unless the relationship with yourself is SUPPORTIVE, KIND and LOVING, how can you expect others to treat you that way? It’s just not going to happen. If you BETRAY yourself, ABANDON yourself, REJECT yourself and be UNKIND to yourself, why is it a SURPRISE if someone else does this to you, too?
If your NEEDS aren’t being met – who is RESPONSIBLE for that? Is it someone ELSE’S job to ensure you’re happy?
Should people behave only in a way that pleases YOU?
They won’t. Give that up. Stop making OTHERS the SOURCE of your happiness or LACK OF. It’s just not THEIR JOB.
The only thing you can control is your OWN wellbeing. This means learning to turn TO, instead of UPON, yourself, if the love you seek from others is not returned.
People MOVE ON, people CHANGE THEIR MINDS, or they simply weren’t as INVESTED in you as you would hope. It doesn’t mean they’re BAD or WRONG. It doesn’t mean you’re BAD or WRONG. It simply means that they are not MEANT to be what you hoped they might be. And sometimes people DIE. Does that mean that your life must END, too?
If you can find SOLACE in being with YOURSELF, you will no longer need to look for it OUT THERE and find yourself settling for less than ideal relationships to fill the gap in yourself.
Today’s work is focusing on having a healthier relationship with yourself, because this rubbish that you’ve been telling yourself for years – that you are UNWORTHY and UNACCEPTABLE – is RUINING YOUR LIFE!
Your self-loathing has to STOP. Nothing good can come from you hating yourself. You are a MAGNET. You are attracting to yourself the things that you believe you DESERVE. It’s time to start DEMANDING only the BEST for yourself and believing that you are WORTHY of it. Just as you would want for someone you LOVE.
WORKING DAY 25
• Today, practise some SELF-COMPASSION. Imagine that a friend of yours was going through the same struggles as you. How would you COMFORT and SUPPORT him/her? Be KIND to yourself today.
• Contemplate this: have you made the significant choices in your life from a place of LOVE for yourself or a need to PLEASE or PLACATE others? How might you take better CARE of yourself in your future choices?
• Do some MIRROR WORK. Stand in front of the mirror and look into your eyes. See yourself now as someone who loves you would see you. Say something KIND to your reflection. Allow any feelings that stand in the way to come up for release. This is POWERFUL work. Do this each day. The ultimate aim is to be able to tell yourself ‘I love you’, with as much ease as when you say it to someone you care about. Today is a START.
YOUR MANTRA FOR DAY 25
‘As well as I can, I will LOVE who I am.’
DAY 26
Self- RESCUE
To help heal the relationship with yourself, you need to OWN the CHILD in you.
Deep inside each of us is a small CHILD. This INNER CHILD lives on, even when we assume ADULTHOOD, and this inner child is most active when we feel THREATENED, UNLOVED or UPSET.
Think about it: when you feel depressed and overwhelmed, are you really in your ADULT self?
This deep well of sadness that you feel – doesn’t it trace back to when you were most VULNERABLE, OPEN and TRUSTING?
The depressed part of you is a lonely child who feels ABANDONED and unequipped to cope with the challenges of life.
This child wants someone – anyone – to ease the burden, to take the load and carry them through.
This child is crying out for LOVE from whomever will give it – it could be a PARENT, a BOSS, a COLLEAGUE or an AUTHORITY FIGURE.
The trouble with being a CHILD locked in an ADULT BODY is that no-one is coming along to h
eed the child’s cries for help, other than in the form of a medico or therapist – and we wonder why we still feel so HELPLESS and HOPELESS, despite counselling sessions and medication.
Acknowledging that you are stuck in CHILD (and, let’s be honest, CHILDISH) mode, where you want someone else to RESCUE, NURTURE and LOOK AFTER you, is the first step in some of the deepest healing you can do for yourself.
The next step is to embrace the fully present, capable and responsible ADULT version of you.
The final step is to be the one who RESCUES little you.
And you do this by assuming the role of NURTURING PARENT to yourself.
A NURTURING PARENT:
Understands
Cares
Supports
Creates a sense of stability
Gets things done
Sets healthy limits
Looks after you!
Your role is now to be the source of LOVE and CARE for yourself that you had hoped OTHERS would be.
From now on, look only to yourself for the SOLACE and COMFORT you have been missing, and you can do this when you begin to see the CHILD in yourself as needing those things.
From here on, YOU need to be your OWN:
Cheer squad
Decision-maker