‘You said he shoved you around…’
I nodded.
‘Spineless little fucker.’
‘He’d always been a bit handsy – he would push me or shout in my face – but he’d never actually hit me. Until that last night.’
I could remember it as if it were yesterday. Even now, so many years later, the sound of a door slamming still made the hairs on the back of my neck prickle.
‘I remember the door being flung open so hard that it rebounded off the wall and cracked the plaster. He was so angry and so drunk. He’d lost some money, he’d been gambling on God knows what. I never asked.’ I hadn’t spoken about this with anyone for so long and I was amazed at how vividly I could still recall it.
‘He smelt like beer and sweat. I told him to stop shouting because I’d just got Lucy off to sleep. He didn’t like that. Took great exception to being told what to do.’
‘Abigail.’
I heard Jack’s voice, but I couldn’t stop talking – it was as if now I was back there, I had to get to the end. To make him understand.
‘He said he was going to teach me a lesson, to show me who was boss. He grabbed me and tried to kiss me, but I shoved him away and then he hit me. Back of his hand right across my cheekbone.’ Instinctively I raised my hand to my face. ‘It was like a thousand light bulbs all went on at once. I knew he’d do it again and I knew that I couldn’t allow it. He tried to apologise but that was it. I shoved his drunk, lazy arse out of the flat. I locked the door, put the chain on and told him to fuck off.’ My heart was thumping in my chest by the end of my story, the memory still enough to send adrenaline coursing around my body.
‘I wasn’t going to be a victim. I was sick of things just happening to me. I felt like I had no control over my own life. I decided enough was enough; I had a child to think about. She was my responsibility and I knew that the only person I was ever really going to be able to depend on was me. Other people just let you down. I didn’t need anyone else.’ I took a deep breath and cast my eyes to the sky. I felt strangely uplifted. Remembering what I’d done, how I’d taken charge, made me feel powerful, not sad or regretful. Jack reached out and gently touched my arm.
‘I’m just sorry I wasn’t here to keep you from all that pain. I’m so sorry, Abigail, I didn’t…’
I stepped away from him, out of his reach, and he looked hurt.
‘My life is nothing to do with you. And I refuse to let you make me feel guilty or ashamed about my relationship with Martin because it gave me the best thing I have in my life. My daughter is bright, beautiful and kind and I would willingly go through everything I have all over again if it meant I was rewarded with her at the end of it.’ My voice was catching in my throat as I finished my little speech, but I meant every word. ‘You weren’t here to save me then and I sure as shit don’t need you here to save me now, Jack. I needed you twenty years ago, but you left and I got over it. Your concern for me is too little, too late. You should go.’ I turned and started to walk away but his voice stopped me.
‘I did try to get in touch with you, Abigail. I wasn’t lying about that. I wrote to you but you didn’t reply.’
I turned to face him. I’d had enough. I didn’t want to hear any more of his pathetic explanations. ‘And it’s taken you twenty years to remember where I live, has it, Jack?’
He opened his mouth to speak but then closed it again.
‘That’s what I thought,’ I said.
He took another step towards me. ‘Abigail, please…’
I held up my hand to stop him from coming any closer but that was as far as I got. The door to the café was flung open and a distraught-looking Lucy came flying out and into my arms.
‘Mum! I didn’t know where you were! I was shouting for you.’
‘What is it, Lucy? What’s the matter?’
‘It’s Nan, she’s in hospital. She’s had a stroke!’
‘What are you talking about? I saw her yesterday – she was fine.’
‘Uncle Matt just rang… he said that he’d… he’d been trying to reach her all afternoon and when he couldn’t he… he… went to the house. He found her on the front-room floor.’ Lucy was frantic, her explanation punctuated with tears and sobs.
‘He called an ambulance and they took her. He’s at the hospital with her now… we have to go, Mum!’ Lucy took my arm and pulled me into the café, with Jack close behind. I fell into the nearest chair and leant forward with my head in my hands. None of it made any sense. She was fine; I saw her yesterday. Jack knelt in front of me but turned to face Lucy when he spoke.
‘Which hospital?’
Lucy looked at him and then at me. She must have recognised him from all the photos she’d trawled online but I introduced them anyway.
‘Jack, this is my daughter, Lucy. Jack is…’ I stopped; what was Jack? He extended a hand to Lucy, who shook it politely.
‘Your mum and I were good friends back in school. I’m happy to meet you, Lucy, although I wish it were under better circumstances.’
Lucy was still staring at him. She had her head tilted slightly to one side while she assessed him – she’d done the same thing ever since she was little – mentally weighing up the pros and cons of whether to speak to him or not. Finally, she said, ‘She’s at St Mary’s. I need to fetch my coat,’ and ran up the stairs in the corner, back to the flat. Jack turned to me and took my hands in his.
‘I have my car here. Let me drive you to the hospital.’
‘There’s no need. I can drive us in the van. It’s fine.’
‘Abigail, you look as white as a sheet. I’m not letting you drive anywhere. I’ll take you, it’s no problem.’ I nodded and then stood up so suddenly I almost knocked Jack back off his feet.
‘I need my bag… I need my jacket… I…’
I stood, frozen to the spot. I couldn’t seem to connect my brain to my legs. Jack placed his hand at the small of my back and gently guided me over to the stairs.
‘I’ll be here. Get what you need. I’m not going anywhere. Okay?’
All I could do was nod my reply. As I reached the top and walked towards my room, I felt as if I were in a dream. The one where you knew you were walking, taking steps, but you weren’t getting anywhere fast. I felt as if I were knee-deep in quicksand and every step took almost Herculean effort until suddenly, almost without realising how I got there, I was in my room. I stood in the middle of the chaos trying to take it all in: Mum’s in hospital; she’s had a stroke. I needed to get to her. I was galvanised into action by the sight of myself in the mirror, still wearing my apron. Get on with it, you have to move. Now. I grabbed my jacket and handbag from the back of the door and raced back out into the hallway and over to the stairs. As I made my way down the steps and into the café, I could hear that Jack was on his phone.
‘She’s a friend, she needs me, that’s all. I know that… but it can’t be helped. Go without me if it’s so important to you, Lexie.’ He turned and saw me just as he finished speaking. I felt as if I’d intruded on his conversation and should be apologising for earwigging, until I remembered that this was my home and I could go wherever the hell I liked. He finished the call and put his phone back into his jacket pocket.
‘Are you supposed to be somewhere else?’ I asked. ‘Please, don’t feel obliged to help. I told you I can manage on my own.’
‘I want to help, Abigail. Can you please just let me do that?’
I didn’t reply; his need to be a knight in shining armour was his issue. I shrugged on my jacket and shouted up the stairs to Lucy.
‘Lucy, are you ready? We need to go.’
When she appeared, coat in hand, I could see she’d been crying. Wrapping my arms around her, I murmured into her hair that everything was going to be fine, as I used to do when she was small. The truth was that I wasn’t sure everything would be fine. All I knew was that I needed to get to the hospital.
Out on the street Jack pointed us in the direction of his car but
I knew which one it was. I recognised it from the car park the day before. It was sleek and black and expensive-looking. He opened the back door to let Lucy in and I was about to follow when she stopped me.
‘Sit in the front with Jack, Mum. I’ll be fine.’ She gave me a little smile and a wink. ‘Don’t want him to look like a glorified cabbie, do we?’
I was ready to refuse but he was already holding the front passenger door open for me, so I got in. Lucy’s head appeared between the seats.
‘Are you all right, Mum?’
‘I’ll be better once we get to the hospital. Did Uncle Matt say anything else about what happened? How long had she been lying there for?’ A horrible image of her lying on her front-room carpet for hours, not being able to get up or call for help, swam into my mind. And what had I been doing all the time she’d been lying there? Reminiscing with some bloke from my past and acting like a stupid teenager with a crush. See, this was what happened when you let yourself get caught up in the romance of what might have been. It was time to get a grip and focus on reality. Having Jack hanging around wasn’t going to help with that. Why was he here anyway? What did he want from me? I couldn’t say. All I knew was that he didn’t belong in my life. If I wanted to make sure I kept my sanity intact I had to keep well away from him.
The drive to the hospital was interminable, the silence only punctuated by the sound of Lucy tapping out messages on her phone one after the other. A thought suddenly occurred to me.
‘Does Flo know about what’s happened?’ I turned in my seat to look at my daughter.
‘No. Matt said not to worry her until we know more.’
‘Yes… he’s right… makes sense.’
Who else would need to know? Mum didn’t have a huge circle of friends and as far as family went, Matt and I were pretty much it. I decided to text Liz, more for something to do than any other reason. I pulled out my phone and began typing.
Had to go to hospital – mum had a stroke – no news yet – will call tomorrow xx
Out of the corner of my eye I could see Jack watching me as I typed; he seemed to be struggling with what to say so I decided to help him out.
‘I’m assuming this is not how you saw the evening ending up when you were lurking outside my café?’ I asked.
‘Not exactly, no.’
‘Then what were you expecting?’
‘Nothing. I told you I just wanted to see you again, that’s all.’
‘Well, now you’ve seen me again, you can get on with your life, can’t you? Curiosity satisfied.’ I knew he wanted to say more but he couldn’t with my daughter sitting in the back. He decided to change tack.
‘How is your mum? I mean, you know, before this. God, that sounds awful, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…’
‘It’s okay.’ I stopped him before the conversational hole he was digging for himself got any deeper. ‘She was, is, fine. Never really been the same since he left but you knew that already.’ He nodded; he didn’t have to answer. In the weeks after Dad went and before Jack’s family did their disappearing act, there were plenty of days when I would just bunk off school so I could stay at home and keep an eye on Mum. I was terrified she was going to do something silly to herself, or, worse than that, just disappear too, like Dad. On those days, Jack would come to my house after school and help me catch up on the work I’d missed, so I didn’t fall too far behind. It was on one of those visits that we had our first kiss.
*
‘So, Mr Marshall gave us these to do today. They’re pretty simple – you shouldn’t have any problem with them.’ Jack is sitting on the end of my bed with a maths textbook open on his lap. I’m peering across, trying to make sense of what I’m looking at, but it’s all just a mess of numbers to me. I can’t concentrate on anything.
‘Thanks. Just leave them there. I’ll get to them later.’
I’m sitting at the top end of my bed, clutching my pillow in front of me.
‘How is your mum today? Have you seen her?’
I shake my head. Despite being in the house all day to keep an eye on her, I haven’t seen her since I poked my head round her bedroom door this morning. I crept into the darkened room to see if she wanted a cuppa but she just waved me away and buried her head into her pillow.
‘I think she comes out of her room at night when everyone else has gone to bed. She doesn’t want to talk to any of us.’ I’m fighting to hold back the tears; I’m so fed up with crying.
‘She’s being unfair, Abby! He left you too – doesn’t she see that?’
I shrug. ‘It’s not her fault. Nan told me that the tablets she’s taking make her just want to sleep all the time, then she doesn’t have to think about what’s happening. I get that, sort of.’ I don’t really, I just said I did so my Nan would stop talking to me.
‘I still think it’s wrong of her to shut you and Matt out like this. If it wasn’t for your nan and grandad who would you have to look after you?’ he asks.
‘You,’ I say.
‘I’ll always look after you, Abigail, always.’ His sincerity is the final straw; I can’t fight the tears any longer. As I sob he moves to put his arms around me. He murmurs gentle words and holds me tightly and for the first time in ages I feel safe and happy. Jack moves so he can gently hold my face in his hands. As he looks at me I see something in his eyes change, a sudden realisation that this is it, this is going to be our first kiss. I tilt my face slightly up towards his, I close my eyes and I wait. But nothing happens. I open my eyes and Jack is staring at me, still holding my face ever so gently.
‘What’s wrong?’ I ask. ‘Don’t you want to?’
‘It’s not that… I want to kiss you, so much, but I don’t want to mess it up.’
‘You won’t, you couldn’t. Please just kiss me.’
For a second I think he’s going to refuse, but then he slowly leans in to me, his eyes searching my face, and I nod and put my arms around his neck. Our lips meet and his mouth feels so warm and soft.
*
‘Mum, we’re here.’ Lucy’s voice from the back of the car dragged me back to the present. As we approached the hospital, Jack was scanning the car park for a space. This is it, I told myself, do it now, tell him to leave you alone and then everything will get back to normal.
‘You don’t need to park. You can just drop us at the front, no need to come in.’ I undid my seat belt and gestured to the hospital entrance. ‘You can just drop us here, it’s fine.’
‘I can come inside with you. It’s no problem.’
‘No, really, you should get back to Lexie. She’s obviously waiting for you. Thank you for the lift though. It was very kind.’
‘Yeah, thanks, Jack, it was great to meet you,’ said Lucy as she hopped out of the car and walked towards the hospital doors.
‘When can I see you again, Abigail?’
That was the question I’d been waiting for. I wanted to say, whenever you like, Jack, come into the hospital with me now and never leave my side again, but I didn’t. Instead I summoned up all my courage and told him the one lie that I knew would drive him away for good.
‘Look, it’s been nice catching up and all that, but I don’t think we have anything else to say to each other.’ I looked down at my hands in my lap. ‘I did get your letters, Jack, and you’re right, I didn’t reply. I’d moved on by then… we were only kids, after all, it… It didn’t mean very much really, did it?’ I tripped over the words, getting them out as quickly as I could as I fumbled with the door handle. I was out of the car before he could reply. Head down, I all but ran over to the hospital entrance, hoping that he wouldn’t follow me. I needn’t have worried; as I reached the hospital doors I heard his car screech away from the kerb behind me.
Chapter 9
Lucy was waiting for me just inside the door of the hospital. ‘They’ve taken her up to a ward. We have to go this way,’ she said.
I nodded and followed her lead. We turned down a corridor and stopped to wait by a ban
k of lifts. I could see my reflection in the metal doors; I looked old and tired. What a shocker. Maybe I should watch one of Lexie Morgan’s online make-up tutorials. Or maybe not. Why was this lift taking so long? I pressed the call button again; maybe the stairs would be quicker? I was about to suggest this when the lift doors slid open. My reflection was replaced by unfamiliar faces. No one made eye contact, everyone just bustled out, heads down. I stepped to one side to let people pass, then got into the lift. Lucy took my hand. Whether it was to reassure me or herself I couldn’t tell, but I was grateful for it nonetheless. I squeezed her hand and gave her a smile.
‘She’s going to be fine, Lucy. I’m sure it will all be fine.’ She nodded but we both knew that I was making that up. I didn’t know any more than she did. I watched the neon numbers on the display go up until the doors eventually opened on the fifth floor. I didn’t want to get out. I let go of Lucy’s hand and grabbed the rail behind me. Lucy turned to look at her insane mother, holding onto the rail like a child who didn’t want to go into school.
‘Mum, we’re here. We have to get out of the lift now.’
‘Yes, I know, sorry, I’m coming.’ I forced myself to let go and stepped out. I could hear beeping and alarms going off somewhere along the corridor. A nurse at a desk over by the wall looked up as we approached.
‘Can I help you?’
‘We’re here to see my nan, I mean, Mrs Cowan. Where is she?’
The nurse looked down at a clipboard on the desk and then clicked something on the computer screen in front of her.
‘Mrs Cowan has only just come up to us from A & E. We’re just getting her settled. I’ll show you to the relatives’ room and you can wait in there.’ She came round from behind the desk and placed her hand gently on my arm, guiding me towards a door across the corridor.
Secrets and Tea at Rosie Lee's Page 9