She asked for a glass of the red wine Sarah had introduced her to and a bottle of dark beer. Then she returned to the makeshift bandstand and handed the bottle to Ben.
“Thanks.” He glanced toward the hallway that led to Pete and Sarah’s bedroom. “Pete just coaxed her back there on some pretext or other. I think this is it.”
She noticed his breathing had changed and lines of tension bracketed his mouth. “Nervous?”
“Hell, yes. What if she doesn’t like it?”
“She’ll love it. Everyone else has.”
“I know, but they’re not the ones I made it for.” He looked over at the front door. “They’re bringing it in.” His voice was strained.
She’d never dreamed that he’d be so worried about whether Sarah would like the saddle. So far, everyone had raved about it, but he was right that Sarah’s reaction was the crucial one. If she gave the slightest indication that she didn’t love it, Ben would be cut to the quick.
His anxiety became hers, and she longed to hold his hand, touch his arm, anything that would let him know she was there for him, but he wouldn’t appreciate that. She might know he was feeling vulnerable, but he wouldn’t want anyone else to figure it out. Outwardly he projected calm confidence in his ability to do his work.
She’d never thought about the pressure on an artist when a creation was unveiled. Ben’s work was more than just a job, and she wondered how many of his customers understood that. Now that she’d seen this saddle, she longed to visit his shop and ask more questions about the process. That wouldn’t happen if they ended things when this interlude was over.
Gabe and Nick carried the still-covered saddle into the middle of the room and moved back as conversation hummed all around them. Jack called down the hall to Pete before walking back to stand beside the saddle. Everyone’s attention shifted to the arrival of the birthday girl.
Pete held Sarah’s hand as he ushered her into the living room. She’d chosen to wear winter white, a stunning dress that showcased her cherished turquoise jewelry. Her cheeks were pink with excitement.
Molly held her breath along with everyone else in the room. She desperately wanted Sarah to love the saddle for Ben’s sake.
Then little Sarah Bianca, her evergreen dress decorated with ruffles and a tiara balanced on her red curls, jumped up and down with cries of glee. “Do it, do it, Uncle Jack!” she shouted. “Show Grandma her surprise!”
“Yeah, yeah!” Archie, her blond, three-year-old cousin, started jumping, too. “Do it, Daddy!”
With a smile, Jack stepped forward. “Happy birthday, Mom. From all of us.” He whipped off the blanket.
Sarah stared at the saddle in complete astonishment. Then she began to cry.
Ben sucked in a breath. “Is that good?”
“Oh, yeah.” Molly’s eyes filled as she watched tears of joy flow down Sarah’s cheeks. “She loves it.”
“But she’s crying.”
Molly sniffed. “That’s because she’s happy, and touched and overwhelmed by the generosity of everyone. The saddle’s a hit, Ben. You did it.”
“Thank God.”
Sarah wiped her cheeks and accepted a handkerchief from Pete. She blew her nose and handed it back to him, which brought a laugh from the group and broke the tension. Everyone clapped and cheered as Sarah walked over to stroke the leather of the saddle and exclaim over the beauty of it.
Finally she looked up and searched the room until her gaze settled on Ben. “You made this, didn’t you?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“It’s magnificent.”
“Thank you.” His voice was husky.
“I knew you weren’t here to buy a horse. But I never imagined...” She went back to stroking the leather with reverence. “I’ve never had a saddle like this. Bertha Mae will strut like a queen.”
She lifted her head again and glanced around the room. “Thank you, all of you. It means more than I can say.” Her voice caught, and she swallowed. “I can’t imagine a better birthday gift than this, except to have you all here to share it with me.”
More cheers followed. Then the grandchildren crowded around and asked to sit on the saddle. She lifted each one in turn, while camera phones clicked. Everyone laughed at the kids looking so proud sitting on their grandmother’s birthday saddle.
Molly turned back to Ben. “Do you mind that the kids are sitting on it?”
“Why should I?” He watched with a smile.
“I don’t know. It’s a valuable saddle. Maybe you’d rather not see little kids bouncing on it.”
“They can’t hurt it. Obviously they’re having fun, so why not?”
From the corner of her eye, she studied him. He didn’t seem to be faking his enjoyment of the scene, which seemed odd for a man who’d decided not to have kids. The puzzle of Ben Radcliffe became more complicated than ever.
13
THE MUSIC STARTED after that, and Ben threw himself into the first set. He knew most of the tunes, and they were lively and easy to play. Because they didn’t challenge him too much, he could watch Sarah with her grandchildren.
The saddle still sat in the middle of the room and dancers maneuvered around it. Sarah stood beside the saddle and rotated the kids on and off, giving each a turn, even Gabe’s youngest, a months-old baby.
An older boy, who could be a teenager but looked younger because of his small size, climbed up and smiled at Nick. “What d’ya think, Dad?”
“I think you need to start saving your allowance, Lester,” Nick said with a grin.
Such a simple exchange, and yet so filled with subtext. Lester had hinted he wanted a fancy saddle, and his father had good-naturedly told him he’d have to save for it. That’s what a loving relationship between a father and son looked like. Ben had never experienced it.
He never would have dared to hint that he wanted something. That would have been a sure way to get a lecture on his ungrateful behavior, or maybe even a beating. He’d learned early to keep his mouth shut and his head down.
The scene of Sarah with her family affected Ben in ways he hadn’t anticipated. Unexpected yearning tightened his throat and at times made him screw up a note. He doubted anyone noticed, but it bothered him.
Then he’d catch a glimpse of Molly laughing with some of the women, or dancing with one of her Chance cousins, and he’d miss another note. Her joyful smile stirred longings he’d kept buried for years.
He didn’t like feeling this way. He’d carefully avoided strong emotions for most of his life because he’d seen the dark side. When gripped by powerful emotions, people became unpredictable. The line between love and hate was thin and easily breached.
When he’d taken on this commission, he hadn’t planned on having it throw him off kilter. He’d known that spending a couple of days at the Last Chance Ranch would be intellectually interesting, a scientific trip to observe a normal family. He’d planned to hold himself emotionally distant.
Molly had blown that plan all to hell on his first night here. He wanted her in a way he’d never wanted another woman, despite knowing he couldn’t make her happy. She’d gotten under his skin. No, he’d allowed her to get under his skin. For some reason, he’d let down his guard and she’d stormed the castle.
That was bad enough, and he dreaded the conversation they would have tonight after the party. He was pretty sure she was fantasizing that they had a future, after all. She couldn’t help it, optimist that she was, and he glimpsed dreams of forever shining in her green eyes. He’d have to destroy those dreams and watch the sunshine disappear.
Adding to that disaster, he was currently surrounded by the intense love that permeated the Chance family. He’d tried to maintain his position as an outsider, but Sarah had brought him right into the center of the celebration with her gratitude. With her tears. Her reaction had annihilated his defenses. He’d seen his mother cry in despair, but he’d never seen any woman cry with joy. His world had shifted.
He wanted thi
s, all of it, but he didn’t trust himself to create it. He could build a saddle, but he didn’t know how to build a life. Not this kind of life where people hugged each other, watched out for each other, defended each other from any threat.
As Jack had. Ben didn’t blame him one damn bit. Jack was right to worry about Ben getting too close to Molly. And he was too close to her. If he cared this much, then she probably cared more. Her heart was in shape for loving. His wasn’t.
The set ended, and Sarah glanced up. Her gaze steady, she excused herself from a conversation with Josie and walked toward him. He braced himself.
“I don’t know how to thank you.” She placed a warm hand on his arm as she looked into his eyes. “It’s obvious to me that you put all kinds of love into that saddle.”
He hadn’t known what to expect when she’d come over, but certainly not that. Damn it, his throat was tightening up again. He cleared it. “I enjoyed making it.”
“I know you did. Jack said you made it in only two months. You must have burned the midnight oil.”
“It was a pleasure.” He kept thinking of how she’d cried when she’d first seen it. “I...I hoped it would be what you wanted.”
“It’s as if you knew what would suit me. I suppose Jack helped give you an idea of who I am, but you must have used your instincts, too.”
“Maybe so.” He didn’t trust himself to say more without emotion roughening his voice.
“It’s been wonderful having you as a guest, Ben. You’re like a long-lost member of the family. I hope that’s all right for me to say. From things you’ve said, I gather you’re not...close...to your family.”
He swallowed
“I just want you to know that you’re welcome here anytime.” She squeezed his arm. “Anytime at all.” Then she gave him a little pat and walked away as if sensing that he wasn’t in command of himself.
Tucking his harmonica into his shirt pocket, he walked out of the room and took the stairs two at a time before he did something embarrassing like break down. He had the urge to pack his things and leave, but the wind had begun to howl outside. The storm would hit any minute. He was a fool, but not that much of one.
So, instead, he sat on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands, while he struggled to breathe. In one precious moment, with a few words of praise, Sarah had warmed his heart in a way his own mother never had. His father had forbidden any gentleness for fear his boys would become sissies. His mother had never argued with that.
“Ben?”
He glanced up. Molly stood in the doorway. He should have known she’d see him leave and follow him up here. That was Molly. Caring, compassionate, loving.
“What’s wrong?”
He looked into those green eyes filled with concern. “Everything.”
“How can that be?” She walked over and knelt at his feet as she placed her hands on his knees. “Aunt Sarah loves the saddle. I saw her come over and tell you again how much she loves it. I couldn’t figure out why that made you take off like you did.”
He cupped her sweet face in both hands. “That’s because you come from a loving family where gestures like Sarah’s happen all the time. But I...I can’t handle it.”
“Why?”
“I was raised with fear instead of love. My dad’s anger was a terrifying thing to me and my older brother. He didn’t hit us a lot, but the threat of it was always there. I don’t know that he ever hit my mother, but he criticized her constantly. Still does. She has zero self-confidence.”
“Oh, Ben.” Moisture gathered in her eyes. “I was afraid that’s what you’d hinted at before. I’m so sorry.”
“Please don’t cry.” He heard the frantic note in his voice and hated it.
She blinked and her jaw firmed beneath his touch. “I won’t. Tell me what you need.”
“To be magically transported out of this house and back to a life I’ve learned how to handle.”
“Sorry, that’s beyond my powers.”
He smiled as the tight band around his chest loosened. “And here I thought you could do anything.”
“I’m awesome, but I can’t teleport people. At least, not yet.”
She was so good at this, he thought. So good at comforting people and putting them at ease. He’d even recovered enough to joke with her. “Sex is another good option, but we’re not doing that, either.”
“I’m afraid you’re right. Sorry. Now is not the best time for wild monkey sex.”
“Damn. Then I may just have to go back down there and act like everything is peachy.” But thanks to her calming presence, he felt as if he could do that.
“Ben, I have to ask, although I think I know the answer. Is your family background why you don’t want kids?”
“Yep, that’s it.” Saying it was easier than he’d thought it would be. “I hate the way my father ruled the household, and my brother swore he did, too, but he’s exactly the same kind of father to his kids. And he intimidates his wife, who scrambles to please him.”
“And you think you would turn out that way, too?”
He brushed his thumbs over her warm cheeks. “It’s all I knew growing up, so I could easily slide right into that pattern. If I do marry someday, it would be with the understanding she should leave me the minute I start behaving like my father. But kids—they can’t just leave.”
“I know, but—”
“I’m not having kids, Molly. I won’t risk repeating the cycle the way my brother has.” He looked into her eyes. “Jack wanted me to make sure you understood all that. He said it was important information for a woman like you.”
“A woman like me?” She bristled. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Well...” He suspected he might get into trouble if he didn’t choose his words carefully. “You come from a big, loving family, so logically, you probably want that for yourself.”
“Yes, eventually! But a woman like me doesn’t hand every guy I date a checklist to make sure he wants marriage and a big family, and the sooner the better!”
He shouldn’t smile, but he couldn’t help it. “You might want to tell Jack that. He probably thinks you do.”
“Don’t worry. I plan to have a talk with Cousin Jack.”
“He’s just afraid that you’ll get hooked on me, and I’m not the right man for you.”
“Jack’s not in charge of my love life.”
“I know.”
“You told me right away that you weren’t the right guy for me because you didn’t want a family. Then I found out that you’d had a vasectomy. Now I have the whole story as to why. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to have sex with you anymore.”
He searched her gaze. “Can you honestly say you’ve never thought that maybe, with time, we’d work something out between us?”
“Um...” Color darkened her cheeks.
“See?”
“Mostly after I saw the way you watched Sarah with her grandkids. I had wondered if you disliked children, but you don’t.”
“No. I like them a lot. That’s why I can’t take a chance on lousing up my own.”
“You don’t know that you would!”
“I don’t know that I wouldn’t. Listen, Molly, I made up my mind about this when I had the vasectomy.”
“Sometimes those can be reversed.”
“I don’t want it reversed. I’ve read enough to know my dad has a borderline personality disorder. Maybe that’s genetic. I didn’t know my grandfather, but from the stories I’ve heard, he was the same way. Maybe that’s just what he was taught, but maybe not.”
“Then you could adopt.”
He sighed. “I’d still be putting some innocent kid at risk. I can’t take that chance.”
“But—”
“Molly, the way you keep arguing the point, I have to wonder if you are thinking I’ll change my mind about a relationship.”
“That’s bullshit.” She scrambled to her feet and teetered as she regained her balance on her high heels. �
��And don’t look so shocked. I know how to swear. I have brothers.”
He closed his mouth, which had, in fact, dropped open when she let loose with that word. “Then you can probably outswear me. I only lived with one older brother.”
She didn’t smile. If anything, she looked angrier than ever. “As for your assumption about why I’m suggesting that you could find a way to have a family even with a vasectomy, has it occurred to you that I’m saying that for your sake?”
“My sake?”
“Yes, your sake. You should have seen the expression on your face while Sarah played with the kids on that saddle. You were eating it up with a spoon. Just try and tell me that you wouldn’t like to have cute little kids like that running around, and eventually grandkids, and a family gathering like this one. Because I know you would!”
“So what?” He stood, too. He wished she couldn’t read him so well, but it was partly his own damned fault. He’d been more open about his feelings since he’d met her and that needed to stop. “Doesn’t matter what I want. My brother went into his marriage bound and determined not to be like Dad. Now he’s exactly like him. When I mention that, and I have, he yells at me and says I don’t know what I’m talking about.”
“That doesn’t have to be you! Don’t cut yourself off from life just because —”
“Stop it, Molly. They’re starting up the music again. I need to get down there.” He walked past her and out the door. It hurt like hell to be so abrupt with her. He’d probably hurt her, too.
But she didn’t understand the terror he felt at the possibility he’d recreate his parents’ lives, or his brother’s. If she understood, she wouldn’t keep arguing with him.
She might think she’d known what kind of man he was, but she hadn’t, not really. Even when faced with the truth about him, she was trying to make bargains and change things so it would all come out roses and lollipops. Of course she was. That was Molly, a bundle of sunshine.
It was the quality that had drawn him to her. Apparently he’d thought he could use her light and warmth to ease the cold darkness in his soul. That had been so damned selfish of him.
A Last Chance Christmas Page 12