by Penny Jordan
No, there was most definitely nothing about her appearance which would lead Silas to imagine that she had changed her mind, she decided firmly before heading downstairs.
He was already in the kitchen when she walked in, looking across the room towards her with an expression in his eyes she could not decipher.
She decided that it was probably amusement and was therefore unable to hide her astonishment when he remarked softly, ‘You know, I’d forgotten how good it was to have someone to come home to. You do, when you live alone.’ He paused and then before she could pull herself together and say anything, he added thoughtfully, ‘You must miss your father, and Katie.’
Was he suggesting that he felt sorry for her? A woman on her own?
She looked defensively at him and, seeing neither pity nor mockery in his eyes, allowed herself to admit huskily, ‘Yes, as a matter of fact I do.’
‘You’re still young enough to marry. To have more children…’
Hazel’s jaw dropped.
‘I’m thirty-six,’ she protested, unable to hide her surprise.
‘So what? There are women today of forty who are having their first child; women who have spent their twenties and thirties concentrating on their careers, and who have realised that those careers aren’t enough, that they want a family as well. Or is it that you don’t want any more children? I can understand why you might not feel you want to take on a husband,’ he told her whimsically, ‘but children…’
Children… She’d never even thought about it. At least…well, yes, she had thought about it when Katie was younger, not wanting her to grow up alone as she had done, but then once Katie had reached her teens…and now… Well, she was thinking more in terms of the grandchildren Katie would one day provide her with, not babies of her own, and yet, as Silas had remarked, there were women older than her who were giving birth and bringing up young families.
‘I… I haven’t really thought about it,’ she fibbed, turning her back on him. ‘I certainly don’t feel any need to fulfil myself by conceiving a second child to bring up without its father,’ she added quietly. ‘With Katie I was lucky. She’s never reproached me because she’s had to grow up without knowing Jimmy. Jimmy’s family have always made her welcome as a part of them.’
‘Did you love him very much?’
The question startled her. It was one she wasn’t used to hearing. Jimmy was so very far away from her now in her past that she found it hard sometimes to remember exactly what she had felt towards him, but she knew it had not been the love of a woman for a man. How could it have been, when they had only been children?
‘He was my friend,’ she answered honestly. ‘I was a very intense teenager, perhaps because I was very lonely. Jimmy… Jimmy was very special to me as a person. But no, I didn’t love him as…as a lover.’
She had said far more than she had intended to say, revealed far more than she should have done, and as she swung round and saw the compassion darkening his eyes she bit her lip in vexation, saying abruptly, ‘It was all a very long time ago, and hardly matters now. I’ve cleared out Dad’s room for you. It has its own bathroom. I haven’t made anything for supper. I wasn’t sure if you’d be coming back.’
All the time she spoke, gabbled almost, she was aware of Silas watching her, studying her—as well he might, she reflected dismally. No doubt, as far as he was concerned, she was an odd and rare species, a woman whose one experience of sex had led to the conception of a child, and who had never allowed herself to become a fully functioning sexual woman. Oh, yes, he might well regard her with that thoughtful considering gaze that made her feel so uncomfortable and so…so vulnerable.
‘I thought we might have supper out. I’m having a small problem with my work, in that my research has revealed such a wealth of information and detail that I’m undecided as to whether I should only deal with a shorter space of Hugo’s life in this book, and then continue it in another. I need someone to listen while I talk myself through the problem, and I wonder, rather selfishly I know, if in return for supper you might be prepared to lend a sympathetic ear.’
‘Me! But I can’t advise you. I don’t know the first thing about writing a book. Surely your publishers…?’
‘A second opinion is always of value, even if it only helps to clarify your own thoughts. Besides, you said you’d like to read more about Hugo. You already know the character, so don’t underestimate the value of your opinion. Don’t put yourself down so much,’ he added coolly. ‘If you aren’t prepared to value yourself as you should, then at least don’t deny others the opportunity to do so.’
Hazel was too stunned to speak.
‘I haven’t booked anywhere,’ Silas continued. ‘I wasn’t sure whether you’d be free, or if you’d be willing to help me out.’
When he put it like that, how could she refuse him, or pretend that she was already engaged elsewhere?
‘I’ll have to change,’ she told him uncertainly.
‘That’s OK—so will I. Is there anywhere in particular where you’d like to eat?’
‘There’s an Italian place in Knutsford,’ she told him. ‘I don’t know if you like Italian food.’
‘I do,’ he assured her. ‘Do you know the name? I could telephone and book a table.’
Feeling rather as though her life had suddenly escaped from her own control, she gave him the name, and then headed for the stairs.
Half an hour later, standing in front of the mirror and frowning at her reflection in a red jersey wool dress which Katie had insisted on her buying the previous winter, and which was one of the few really smart things in her wardrobe, she wondered what on earth she was doing.
Silas had made it plain enough why he wanted her company, and she did not for one moment doubt that he had spoken the truth, but what about her—what about her motives? Was she honestly and completely sure that she had managed to root out of her system the perverse and extremely disruptive thoughts which had been attacking her ever since she had set eyes on him?
Yes, of course she had! Of course she had.
* * *
THE RESTAURANT was a small comfortable place run by a large and garrulous Italian family, who recognised Hazel the moment she and Silas walked in through the door, despite the fact that she had only eaten there on a handful of occasions.
The proprietor, genial, rotund, and very, very Italian, came forward to greet them and then exclaimed lavishly, ‘Ah, at last we see the husband of the so beautiful lady who dines here only with her friends. I say to my own wife then, that this lady, she is too beautiful to be on her own. All my male customers, they are distracted from their food by her beauty.’
Hazel could feel herself going scarlet, but as she opened her mouth to correct his misapprehension Silas touched her lightly on her shoulder.
When she turned round he shook his head and murmured so that only she could hear, ‘I shouldn’t bother if I were you, it will probably only lead to further confusion. Unless of course you wish to take issue with him on the subject of his chauvinism and point out that no woman these days needs a man to make her life complete.’
Hazel shook her head numbly, following the beaming Italian to a small table set in an alcove, and romantically illuminated by the discreet lighting and the candles on the table.
‘I can’t imagine why he thought we were married,’ she told Silas uncomfortably when they had given their order. ‘I’m not even wearing a wedding ring.’
‘I shouldn’t let it worry you,’ Silas responded, frowning a little as someone coming towards them caught his eye.
Hazel turned her head to see what had caused his frown.
A man in his mid-fifties, accompanied by a girl who could not have been much older than Katie, were being shown to a table several feet away from their own, and it was immediately obvious that their relationship was not one of father and daughter.
‘Now, that’s something I always dislike to see,’ Silas commented quietly to her. ‘No doubt if questio
ned both of them would claim that the age gap between them isn’t important; that they love one another, but somehow such arguments fail to be convincing, and one is always left with the uncomfortable feeling that he has bought her youth to wear on his arm like a trophy and that she has sold herself out to him because it is easier to be the pampered pet of an indulgent older man than to work at a relationship with someone younger and poorer.’
The distaste in his voice echoed his words, causing Hazel to stare at him in surprise.
‘You don’t agree?’ he questioned, watching her.
‘Yes…yes, as a matter of fact I do,’ she told him vehemently when she had got over her surprise. ‘It’s just that it’s so unusual to hear a man voicing such views. A woman, yes, but men seem to have a complete blind spot where their own vanity is concerned. Ask any man of over forty if he genuinely and honestly believes that a girl of eighteen or twenty can really love a man in his fifties for himself and not his assets, and he will immediately say yes, denying every argument you can give him to prove otherwise.’
There was a small pause while they were served with their first course, and when the waiter had gone Silas leaned across the table and said quietly to her, ‘You don’t have a very high opinion of my sex, do you, Hazel? We aren’t all blind to reality, you know. Nor do all of us have such fragile egos that we need to buy ourselves a pretty little plaything to show off to our friends.’
‘No, I know,’ Hazel agreed. ‘That was why I was so upset when I thought that you and Katie—’
She stopped abruptly. Oh, God, what on earth was she saying? But it was too late—after a sharp look at her, Silas was already demanding evenly, ‘That Katie and I what, Hazel?’
She cast around desperately in her mind for something innocuous to say, but she could almost feel the seconds ticking by, and with them Silas’s patience. She could almost feel the silent pressure of his demand that she answer his question. There was no escape.
Even if she could think of a suitable fib, she knew she just did not have the self-confidence to utter it with any real conviction.
‘I assumed…that is I thought… Well, Katie didn’t…’
‘You thought that Katie and I were lovers,’ Silas supplied for her, cutting through her embarrassed attempts to admit how she had misjudged him.
‘Well, yes…yes I did, but only because… Well…’ She remembered just in time that she was supposed to have extended an invitation to him to stay with her while he was doing his research and realised that she could hardly tell him that when Katie had described him to her in such glowing terms she had quite naturally assumed that Katie was romantically involved with him, not realising that her daughter had simply been trying to prepare the way for her acceptance of him as a potential lodger.
‘Because what?’ Silas asked her evenly. ‘Because I immediately struck you as the type of man who would become involved with a girl as young as Katie? A girl young enough to be my daughter.’
‘I… Well…’
He was furious with her and no wonder, she acknowledged wretchedly.
‘I can understand why you might think that I might be tempted by a girl of Katie’s prettiness and vitality. Just… But what I can’t understand is how you could ever have imagined that Katie would be interested in me.’
‘Well, I thought… I thought you’d be younger,’ she told him defensively.
‘Younger.’ He was frowning at her. ‘I realise the photographs on the back of my dust jackets are somewhat out of date but—’
‘And although Katie is very sensible, I thought she might… Well, I worried. Some girls of her age do seem to feel the need for a father figure…’
‘Some do,’ Silas agreed. ‘But not Katie.’
‘I’m sorry if I’ve offended you,’ Hazel apologised miserably. Why on earth had she been so stupid? The trouble was that she had been so bemused, so thrown off guard by his contempt for the other couple that she had forgotten to guard her tongue, and had spoken impulsively and from the heart.
‘I’m sorry too,’ Silas told her, pushing away his food half-eaten.
Hazel discovered that she too had lost her appetite. When the waiter came to remove their plates and serve their main course, he frowned unhappily at their far from empty plates, increasing Hazel’s feelings of guilt.
‘It never occurred to me that you’d imagine… Katie is a lovely girl, young, pretty, lively and intelligent; the kind of girl it’s always a joy to behold from a purely aesthetic point of view, but sexually… She is still a girl, but I am not a boy.’
He paused while the waiter served their main course.
Every word he uttered was increasing Hazel’s feelings of guilt and shame. If he had lost his temper with her, it would have been easier to bear, but he hadn’t done. Instead she could almost feel the distaste and disbelief radiating from him, making her feel guilty of the most gross kind of misjudgement.
Once the waiter had gone, he continued curtly, ‘As I was saying, sexually I don’t have the remotest interest in Katie… In fact…’
Hazel couldn’t look at him. To her horror she could feel tears gathering behind her eyes. Keeping her head lowered towards her plate, she tried frantically to blink them away.
The evening had been disastrous enough as it was, without her adding to its horrors by bursting into tears.
But nothing she could do could stop the tears from welling and rolling slowly down her face. A face which had become so hot from embarrassment and shame that she was only surprised her tears didn’t turn into steam from that heat.
She tried to dip her head even lower, but it was too late.
She heard Silas swear under his breath, and then the next thing she knew he was standing up and saying urgently to her, ‘Come on, let’s get out of here. This is something we need to discuss in private.’
She tried to tell him that there wasn’t anything to discuss, but somehow or other she was on her feet, and his arm was round her, guiding her, comforting her almost, certainly shielding her from the potentially curious stares of the other diners.
She heard him saying something to the owner about his wife not feeling well as he paid the bill.
All Hazel wanted was to get out of the restaurant as quickly as she could, and not just out of the restaurant but out of Silas’s company as well.
She had embarrassed herself and she had no doubt embarrassed him just as much. What she had said had been bad enough, but to break down in tears like that…
The cold night air hit her, making her shiver. Immediately Silas put his arm around her, pulling her back into the warmth of his body, his gesture almost an automatic one, as though they were in actual fact a couple and he had held her like this many times before.
‘You’re cold,’ he stated matter of factly. ‘Let’s get back to the car.’
He had parked a few minutes’ walk away, and although Hazel tried discreetly to pull away from him he made no attempt to let her go.
‘I’m sorry for behaving like such a fool,’ she apologised when they reached the car and Silas opened the passenger door for her.
‘Don’t apologise,’ he told her. ‘It was my fault. I upset you.’
‘You had every right to be angry with me,’ Hazel told him as she closed her door and he got into the car beside her.
‘Angry!’ He turned to look at her as he fastened his seatbelt, frowning a little. ‘I wasn’t angry. Disappointed, hurt maybe, because I felt you’d misjudged me, but I wasn’t angry, Hazel.’
‘I shouldn’t have said anything. I—’
‘I’m glad you did. In fact…’ He paused and looked at her and then asked mildly, ‘Does Katie know that you thought she and I were lovers?’
‘Yes,’ Hazel admitted. ‘I couldn’t understand why the two of you seemed to want to spend so little time together. She thought it was funny. She wanted to tell you there and then, but…well, I asked her not to.’
She yawned suddenly, overtaken by a wave of emotional and phy
sical exhaustion.
‘You’re tired,’ Silas commented. ‘And no wonder, heaving that damned desk around and then getting that bedroom ready for me.’
‘I’m thirty-six, not seventy-six,’ Hazel retaliated drily.
Silas had been about to start the car’s engine, but now he paused and looked at her thoughtfully. ‘Do you know, that’s the first time I’ve heard you say something positive about your age? You look younger than many women of thirty, and yet you try desperately hard to give people the impression that you’re at least twenty years older than you actually are. All the time in your response to people, you seem to be telling them not that you’re a highly desirable woman, but that you’re a woman who has put the years of her sexuality behind her. Most women of your age these days would be most affronted if anyone were to suggest that they were sexually past it, so to speak.’
‘I’m not most women,’ Hazel told him stiffly. ‘My father—’
‘Your father locked you away in an emotional chastity belt, yes, I know,’ Silas broke in grittily. ‘You were barely sixteen when Katie was conceived. Little more than a baby yourself, and in all the years since her birth I suspect that you’ve remained as unawakened sexually as you were when she was conceived.’
This wasn’t the kind of conversation she ought to be having with him. It was far too dangerous, far too laden with potential hazards.
‘If you’re going to ask me why I’ve never made any attempt to experiment sexually, then the answer is that obviously I have a very low, not to say virtually non-existent sex drive,’ she told him fiercely, ‘and now could we please change the subject? You brought me out to dinner so that we could discuss your book.’