by Gay, Gloria
"You believe then that an artificial setting such as this, Miss Durbin, where the true perception of things is distorted by the excitement of the occasion; by the scent of myriad blossoms, the heady burning wax, the music and wine can give rise to the wrong conclusion?"
"Yes, I believe that to be so. One should wait for the morning, instead."
"Morning headaches after excess and dissipation render better judgments, then?"
"Unromantic as that may seem, I believe that to be true. Better to wait for the morning," said Violet, "than to regret rash decisions."
"You seem almost to read my mind, Miss Durbin, and object to what you find."
"I object to rash judgments that can bring only distress when saner judgments follow."
"Distress to whom?"
"I believe our dance is finished, sir. Would you escort me back to my aunt?"
"We still have four more waltzes, Miss Durbin," said Hawk as they reached Aunt Bea.
"No, only two," Violet said with a nervous laugh.
Violet was glad that Colonel Tippen had been able to attend the ball. He would now keep Aunt Bea company while Violet danced. And perhaps he and Aunt Bea would venture out to the dance floor for a waltz or two. She saw that Aunt Bea's face glowed with joy.
As Hawk walked away with the assurance that we would return to claim another waltz, she wished she could allow herself that unalloyed joy in Hawk's company that Aunt Bea was free to express in the colonel's company. Violet didn't even want to examine too closely Hawk's words. So fragile these words seemed that she was afraid they would be crushed to death should she hold them too close to her heart.
She realized that her heart had gone over to enemy ground without the slightest warning. When had she slipped into irrevocable love? Why had she allowed Hawk to steal her heart? It had been so gradual she had hardly noticed, but there it was.
She must never give him an inkling of it.
She would be even more vulnerable to his charm if he knew how she felt. She must keep her love locked in her heart, for the rest of her life if need be. Humiliation was what awaited her should her secret see the light of day. Hawk, liking his conquests and tiring of them once he had succeeded, would be amused and a little embarrassed by her professed love for him. And the offering of his pity would be the dagger in her heart that would turn her into one sorry mess.
So it must stay locked in her heart, forever. A secret shared was a secret lost. She would confide in no one. Not even in her mother.
Violet was gasping for air. She thought of going to the terrace and hoped it was deserted. Her next waltz was with Jared but she saw that the musicians were preparing for their rest and so she knew she had some time before the music started. She whispered to Aunt Bea that she would be back in a few minutes.
"Do you want me to accompany you, dear," asked Bea, interrupting her enjoyable talk with Colonel Tippen.
"No, Aunt, stay here. I shall return anon."
"Do not be too long, my dear, for you know I worry so."
"I will not; do not fret."
Violet glanced in on the terrace and saw that it was filled to the hilt with couples. Where to go to be alone?
She remembered that the castle had smaller balconies that gave off from a side parlor that was seldom used as it was separated from the ballroom and drawing rooms.
She slipped out through dark fluttering drapes and sighed with relief as she looked up at the three-quarter moon and felt the enveloping solitude she always welcomed.
A sardonic chuckle made her turn her head sharply to the only corner of the balcony where she had not looked.
"Is my ball something to be escaped from, Miss Durbin?"
A joy quivered throughout her body at Hawk's baritone voice.
"I needed some air."
"I can understand your wish perfectly for I came in search of fresh air myself."
"I believe I should get back—"
"Wait, Miss Durbin. I have a request. Will you allow me to call you by your beautiful name? May I call you Violet and you call me Hawk?"
"Please, your grace," said Violet, her voice unconvincingly thin, "I must insist I be addressed as Miss Durbin. I cannot countenance a familiarity that must not exist between us. It would be unseemly."
"There is nothing unseemly about it, Miss Durbin. You are not a miss, so to call you "Miss" is even a false address."
"I see that your first reaction is always to 'put me in my place,' your grace. I have come to count on it.
“I try to follow the rules society has for girls my age even though I am not a girl anymore, but a woman, as you specified. But I find that when you say the word 'woman' in relation to me, you give it a special connotation, as if it were stained.
"I am as yet an unmarried woman, and even though I could dance the whole night with one man, I choose to follow the rules, though I do it on the fringes of society and only my parents and I care.
"This, I believe, is my right, and I don't I need your permission."
"Good Lord, Miss Durbin, please forgive me. I am again a bumbling idiot. It seems that in my desire to advance my acquaintance with you I am capable of only making one mistake after another. Will you excuse my boorish behavior?"
Violet nodded her head but just barely.
Hawk moved closer to her and even in the moonlight Violet could see that his chest expanded as his breathing became fast and labored. Tingles coursed through her veins and pooled in her stomach, sending sparks to places that should not be awakened.
"Please believe what I feel for you," he said as his strong hands fell on the bare space between her short ball gown sleeves and her long silk gloves.
Violet stared hypnotically at Hawk's rising and falling chest, and at his white shirt that was moon-blue in the darkened balcony. She had become just as breathless as her pulse raced and a tremor raced through her.
She gasped like a trapped bird in a clasped hand.
She knew that should she look up and into his eyes in the treacherous moonscape that was that balcony, she would soon be lost in his kiss.
But then his lips fell on hers, removing any choice she may have had and Violet felt suddenly as though she had merely existed on this earth until now, when every cell in her body had awakened and soared.
His hand threaded her hair as his lips seared her mouth, sending such radiating sparks of bliss throughout her that she had trouble with any kind of thought. His lips moved to her neck and she felt his dark wavy hair brushing her cheek and neck as his scent of orange water, leather and the outdoors made her mind reel. She wondered how there could be such enthralling passion as was now enveloping her heart, her mind, her senses.
"I love you," Hawk said as his lips nestled behind her ear and he coiled long silken tassels of her dark hair in his hand.
"You must not say it," said Violet. Hawk's words were like a sword cutting through the idyllic moment and bringing her back to reality.
She knew in just what way Hawk "loved" her.
"I must get back to the ballroom. Aunt Bea will be worried," she said, trying to control her breathless voice as she hurriedly straightened her hair and broke away from him.
As they walked back to the ballroom, Hawk and Violet were silent. Violet reached Aunt Bea and kissed her in greeting.
She let out a long breath, for she felt like she had survived a flood.
"I shall return for my next dance, Miss Durbin," said Hawk after greeting the colonel and bowing to Lady Bea, who looked curiously at him. He then left them.
Violet nodded, glad that Jared was her next waltz. Why couldn't the duke be more like his nephew? But then if he were, would she have fallen so violently in love with him? Violet was alarmed at the extent of her feeling for Hawk. Surely she must get away from him as far as possible.
As soon as the Season ended, she would return with her parents to Forester Hall and be glad to have escaped from such a close call. Yet there were still a few weeks left in the Season. She must make certain sh
e was never alone with him again.
How many times had she promised this to herself only to break it?
She had made the exact determination not a day ago and she had then found herself alone with Hawk again. Did she unconsciously seek to be alone with him?
She pondered her determination to obtain some fresh air in the balcony. Had she considered the idea that she might find herself alone with him, since this was his estate? No, she had not. And that was where the problem lay.
Thankfully, this house party was at an end. By tomorrow her father would have returned from his journey north and she and her family would head back to London.
She would simply lock away the memories of Hawk's kisses and earth-moving embraces in a deep recess of her heart.
"You are very thoughtful, Violet," said Jared.
"Oh! Violet was startled out of her thoughts. “Only with the musings of my mind, Jared." She realized that she allowed Jared to call her Violet yet had vehemently denied the duke the same request. Well, certainly Jared posed no danger to her. She looked into Jared's eyes and saw that he was gazing at her with unalloyed adoration.
"Will you marry me, Violet?"
"We have gone through this before, Jared. The duke would not approve," Violet smiled at him. He was such a personable young man. Could she forget the duke and marry this sweet young man who had no wish to make her his mistress?
"That's because he wants you for himself," said Jared frowning as he glanced furtively at his guardian. Even as they danced the duke was gazing at them from the sidelines.
"We could elope, Violet. People head to the Scottish border all the time. There would be a little gossip and then things would die down. You would then proceed to make me the happiest of mortals. I hardly know how I should live each day, wrapped in such bliss."
"Well, then, it is better it does not come to pass," said Violet, "We cannot have you completely incapacitated."
"Violet, I’m serious. I want to marry you. I entreat you that when Lord Kelly returns from the north you will inform him that in four months' time, when I attain my majority, I will call on him for your hand in marriage. You will do that, my sweet?"
Jared seemed more in earnest now than he ever had before. What had triggered this? Was it that he feared his uncle would convince her into becoming his mistress?"
She wanted so much to set his mind at ease on this regard, because she was genuinely fond of him. And were she to examine her heart, the idea of becoming Jared's wife and thus escaping the duke was appealing, for she was beginning to fear that she was falling into a quagmire. Her love for the duke was confusing her determination to never again be any man's mistress.
"Well?" Jared pressed her for an answer.
"Your uncle would tie you down before he allowed such a wedding, Jared. I must be frank with you, though. I am very fond of you but you must postpone your offer of marriage for now. I promise to consider it but only if you allow a reasonable amount of time to elapse after you attain your majority. I do not want you to propose to me without a cooling off period once you are able to make your own decisions. You might find out at that time that you feel differently from what you now feel, once you are entirely in possession of your estate."
"Never," said Jared emphatically.
"Perhaps," added Violet, "you might consider the fact that your affection for me might be a lot greater than mine is for you. That should be an influencing factor in your decision, Jared, for even though I am very fond of you it is only as a sweet young friend."
"I’m certain your affection would grow in time. I am not bothered by that, Vi," answered Jared quickly, "and it would become as large as my love for you now is."
"Jared, I beg you to not confuse infatuation with love," said Violet, shaking her head.
"I know that Lord Kelly desires you should marry, Violet," pressed Jared, "and you would wish to please him, as you have always told me how much you owe him."
"Yes," agreed Violet, "Papa would wholeheartedly sanction your suit, Jared. I would make him happy if I agreed to it."
"Well, why don't you, then, and make both of us happy?"
"Violet?" asked Jared when Violet said nothing. Her heart and her mind in a struggle.
"As I said, you must wait until after you obtain your majority to make an important decision. You will at that time become aware of the storm of protest that will issue forth from your family. If at that time you can withstand it I shall then consider a proposal of matrimony, but I must be certain that your commitment will pass such a test.
"Do recall, if you will, young Lord Dentelbraith's desire to marry a young commoner from Derbyshire he met on Bond Street. Though initially he withstood his family's opposition, he buckled in the end. I followed the story in the gossip column and I felt heartbreak for Miss Sempy, who was pilloried by his family. The marriage, as you well know, was first postponed and then entirely canceled."
"I am not Lord Dentelbraith, Violet. Don’t compare me with that noncock!"
"Let’s leave this subject then and talk of other matters, Jared. In any case, don’t forget that at present, your uncle is your guardian."
"He is my guardian only until midnight of October twenty-ninth, Violet. After that date I am the master of my own destiny and he becomes only one of several trustees of my estate."
"But you know he would be completely opposed to such a betrothal, Jared. How would you withstand the pressure from him as well as from the rest of your family? They would shun you, disown you."
"Uncle Perry would disown me only as far as not speaking to me, if he so chose, but I do not have to have his approval in my choice of bride."
"You are too young to see the ramifications of such an act, Jared. You would be shunned by society as my father was. It would be poison for you to ally yourself to me in marriage. You may not see how this would affect you in a day to day manner. Many that now profess to be close friends would shun you. If you take this step I want you to be completely aware of its ramifications."
"I do not care a fig for that, Violet, I care only for you."
"I believe even the strongest love can be severely tested by such unkind gales, Jared. I don't know if I would have the heart to put you through all that, when it would be so easy for you to look elsewhere, at one of these pretty debutantes who carry no baggage with them."
"Yet I care not a whit for any of them, either. I care only for you."
"Let us not speak of this anymore tonight," said Violet. Jared certainly had not wavered in his wishes at all.
Yet as they danced the last strands of the waltz in silence, Violet determined that she had as much right as anyone to accept a perfectly legitimate offer of marriage. If Jared overcame all the tests that he would be put through on obtaining his majority that were surely like running a gauntlet, she would, with a clear conscience, give serious consideration to his marriage proposal. Jared would be easy to love, she was sure of that, and she was already very fond of him. And once married to Jared, the duke would cease to exist for her.
She ignored the stab of pain that cut unkindly across her heart at this thought.
CHAPTER 20
The ball finally came to its end in the wee hours as the guests began to disperse.
Violet lay in her darkened bedroom alone, for Maribel had taken ill and had asked if she could sleep in a cot in Aunt Bea's room. Maribel was fond of Aunt Bea's soothing teas.
With her eyes closed Violet listened in the darkness to the muted creaking walls of the vast castle and wondered if her mother was all right. She had wondered if she should go look in on her but had decided instead to let her rest as she must surely be asleep and her entrance would disturb her. Violet’s bedroom was near her mother's but the corridor was long and dark and with an eerie stillness. Violet had never stayed in a place of such imposing grandeur.
And just as she had drifted into sleep she heard through the veils of slumber an insistent tapping at the door.
"Who is it?" asked Violet, her
heart suddenly hammering in her chest. Why was there someone at her door?"
"Violet, it is Galena. Please open the door at once. It’s extremely urgent!"
"Galena! You, here at this hour?" asked Violet, as she rushed to the door. But she was reluctant to remove the heavy bar on the door and unlock the bolt.
"What is so urgent? What has happened?"
"Open the door, Violet, for there’s something of great import I must reveal to you at once."
Violet finally opened the door but still only looked at Galena through a slit. Galena's face was illuminated by the light of a single candle.
"Your mother has taken very ill, Violet," said the girl. "You must accompany me at once."
"Mama is ill?" Violet opened the door wide and Galena rushed in. Violet's heart was racing and her mind was reeling.
"What has happened?"
"Your mother is ailing from a severe stomach malady, Violet. She has been taken downstairs to the coach for there is not much time to lose. Please, don some warm clothes at once; I shall help you. And your cloak, also, for the road is cold."
"The road? I don't understand," said Violet, still groggy from sleep, "What’s going on? Where is my mother being taken?"
"Your mother must be taken to the village where a physician resides. We cannot wait for the doctor to come here, for valuable time would be lost," Galena urged.
"Where is Mama now?" asked Violet, wondering through the lifting fog in her mind why it was that Galena was in the middle of this.
"She’s waiting for you downstairs in the carriage. We told her we should take off but she said she wouldn't leave without you. Hurry, Violet, for there is no time to lose!"
In a daze, Violet dressed hurriedly, donned her cloak and her reticule and was about to follow Galena down the corridor when Galena turned around and retraced her steps to the bedroom door.
"I forgot my reticule in your room, Violet," said Galena "Wait for me there, I shall only be a moment."
Galena rushed into Violet's room and placed a sealed letter on top of the dresser.