Twenty-Seven
The afternoon sun cast fast-moving shadows across the lawn. Ida removed the clean wash from the line in the brisk wind. She filled the hamper to overflowing before she ducked her head and made a dash for the house. Once there, she emptied the sweet-smelling wash onto the couch in the living room before she went outside for another load. The wind was at her back now as she ran across the lawn. There was no rush really, Ida told herself. Mamm had begun the supper preparations in the kitchen, and she wasn’t behind schedule. But she felt up to a good run at the moment.
Debbie would be home soon from her job in Ephrata, and Ida still hadn’t spoken with Mamm about her detailed wedding plans. Not that she feared Mamm’s further disapproval, but now didn’t seem the right time. Lois’s visit hadn’t helped. From the troubled look on her face, Mamm must have spotted Lois from the living room window as she left.
“Is Lois in trouble?” Mamm had asked.
“Nee. I think she stopped in because she’s lonesome,” Ida had replied.
Mamm appeared ready to say, “Then why doesn’t she come home?” But instead she’d said nothing as she continued to knead the bread dough on the kitchen table. The counter was now lined with fresh loaves—enough for a week.
When would the wounds of Lois’s departure heal? They couldn’t go on like this forever. Each visit from Lois couldn’t stir up this kind of pain or they would never find peace and happiness at the Beiler home again. At least her conversation with Lois hadn’t been a disaster, Ida told herself. Lois didn’t need unpleasant experiences every time she visited home. Not that she blamed Daett or Mamm. They were doing the best they could. Perhaps things would go better as time went on. But now Lois dated an Englisha man. Ida sighed. That was one thing she hoped Mamm wouldn’t find out anytime soon.
In the meantime, life continued. And it had a right to, Ida told herself, even if she felt a little guilty. Without a doubt life improved for her each Sunday evening she spent with Melvin. Ida allowed a smile to creep across her face as she took the last hamper of clean clothing across the lawn and bent her head in the brisk wind. She entered the house and was ready to empty the load onto the living room couch. She paused and then took the wash into the kitchen instead where Mamm was working on supper. Ida set the hamper on the table and seated herself.
Mamm glanced at her.
“I’m going to fold them in here, if it’s okay with you. I’d like to speak of my wedding plans.”
“I’ve been thinking about them,” Mamm said, keeping on with her work. “I don’t need to tell you, Ida, how uneasy I feel about all this. It’s too soon—and to a man with six children!”
“But, Mamm!” The words burst out of Ida. She didn’t intend such intensity, but the objections from Mamm caught her completely by surprise. “You never said anything before! And Melvin’s brought me home from the hymn singings several times. Why didn’t you say something sooner?”
“I guess it happened too fast.” Mamm sighed over the soup she was occasionally stirring. “I suppose I never thought it would go this far. And I’ve had Lois and Debbie on my mind. Then here you up and announce your wedding plans. And to a man with six children. It’s a lot to deal with.”
That was the problem, Ida told herself. She should have given Mamm more warning, but how could she when it all had happened so quickly, even for herself. Ida glanced at Mamm. “But you’re not forbidding this, are you? Seeing that Daett has no problem with Melvin. And you know I’m plain looking, Mamm.”
“Is that why you’re taking Melvin? Because he’s your only choice?” Mamm gave Ida a quick glance. “And you know Daett would approve of Melvin being he’s Minister Kanagy’s brother.”
Ida sputtered a protest. “Daett’s not like that. Melvin’s a decent man, and so what if I wasn’t looking for Melvin’s attention. At least the man loves me, and I’m falling in love with him—I think.”
“You think?” Mamm paused to glance in the soup kettle. “You’d better know by now if you’ve promised yourself to the man.”
“I do know.” Ida said at once. And she did, Ida told herself. Look at the way she blushed at the memory of Melvin’s kiss last night. Even now it sent shivers through her whole body. So far she liked everything about Melvin, and she would like the rest of him. Enough that she wished to spend her life with him—if Da Hah so willed it.
Mamm turned to face Ida. “It’s his children, I guess, that really bother me. They’ve been without a mamm for a year now. Melvin’s not the best disciplinarian from what I’ve heard. Not like his brother.”
“And we can thank Da Hah for that,” Ida said, before she thought how the words might sound.
Mamm didn’t appear impressed. “Just because he’s helping us out with Debbie doesn’t make a man’s easy ways the right thing, Ida. I hope you know that. Those children will be a handful. The oldest, Willard, isn’t but nine years of age. The youngest one is only two. And none of them are yours, Ida. Do you know what that means?”
Ida swallowed hard. “Are you saying I’m not up to this, Mamm?”
A gentle smile spread across Mamm’s face. “You’d be up to it if anyone would be, Ida. And that’s saying a lot. But I wish you’d know a little more about what you’re getting into before you say the wedding vows with the man. There’s no going back after that.”
“I know the man. That’s gut enough for me.” Ida busied herself folding the wash. This wasn’t how she had wanted this conversation to go. But Mamm had a right to ask questions, and there was little she could do until Mamm was comfortable with the answers.
“Is Melvin being appropriate with you?” Mamm fixed her gaze on Ida.
“Mamm!” Ida gasped. “You don’t really think that do you?”
Mamm shrugged. “He was once a married man, Ida. I don’t expect he’d do anything very wrong, but he could be leading you on by…could that be influencing your mind?”
Ida knew her face blazed red, and Mamm probably thought this was evidence of her guilt. So she might as well not hide anything. “He kissed me last night. After I said yah to marrying him. Is that a sin? And I liked it. I’m hoping that’s not a sin either.”
Mamm relaxed a little. “And is that all?”
“He held my hand.” Ida tried to breathe evenly. “Really, Mamm, must we speak of this?”
“Then keep it so until you’ve said the vows with him.” Mamm turned around to stir the soup again. “This still doesn’t solve my concern about his children.”
Ida protested, “I’m almost an old maid, Mamm! I’m over twenty-four! Just be thankful I have an offer like this. And from a man I like, at that.”
Mamm ignored the comment. “I think you need to visit his family—with someone along, of course. And spend some time with his children. Maybe make supper for them a few evenings. That will give you a chance to see what you’re getting into.”
“I’m not going to change my mind.” Ida’s voice was firm.
“I’m not saying you will,” Mamm said. “But I won’t rest easy until I know you’ve seen what you’re getting into. And Debbie would be the perfect one to go with you. It will keep anyone from thinking there’s something inappropriate going on. The two of you could be back home by nine or so, and that should work out just fine.”
“Who would have thought you’d object,” Ida groused. “After Daett finally likes a man his daughter is dating.”
“Things don’t always turn out like one plans.” A wry gleam played on Mamm’s face. “And someone has to look out for you if Daett’s eyes are blinded by church business.”
Ida kept silent. There really was nothing more to say, and Mamm’s requirement wasn’t that unreasonable. She was Melvin’s promised one, and this would improve their marriage in the long run. The children would get to know her better by the wedding date, and it wouldn’t be as much of a shock once she showed up fulltime.
“You will do this then?” Mamm interrupted her thoughts.
“I’ll ask Melvin on Sund
ay evening. I can’t imagine he’ll object. Now, can we do the real wedding planning?” Ida got up to take the folded pile of clothing into the living room. She returned with a fresh hamper of unfolded wash.
Mamm spoke before Ida sat down. “You say you want a small wedding, so we should only invite our church district and the immediate family. Even then there will be more than 200 people. And we’ll ruffle some feathers by omitting the cousins, I’m afraid.”
“It’ll just have to be.” Ida’s tone was certain.
“Nee. I disagree.” Mamm turned to face her. “You’ve been decent with my fears. You’ve agreed to do the extra work it will take to visit Melvin’s family and prepare supper for them. Now I’m going to do what’s best for you. You’re going to have the same size wedding as Verna had.” Mamm held up her hand as Ida opened her mouth to protest. “You’re just as much our daughter as Verna, and these are circumstances beyond your control. There’s no dishonor in taking a widower as a husband. I will not have it look like we think so. And I’m sure Daett will feel the same way.”
“But…” Ida got her protest in this time. “But I don’t feel that way at all.”
“That’s because you don’t think of yourself like you ought to sometimes, Ida. Your heart is set on serving other people. That’s why I’m looking out for you, and after you’re married to that man he’d better not take advantage of your good nature.” Mamm shook her finger in Ida’s direction.
Ida laughed. “You don’t have to worry about that. Melvin does love me. I know that.”
Mamm raised her eyebrows. “Why? Because the man kissed you? That’s not enough for me, Ida.”
Ida looked away. Her cheeks burned again, and it was clearly time to move on. “Will you have the wedding here then? Like Verna and Joe did?”
“Of course. I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Mamm’s voice was firm. “All my daughters will get married in this house.”
“Even Lois?” Ida regretted the question as soon as she asked it.
Mamm was silent for a moment. Then she said, “I pray so. If not, I fear Lois is going to ruin her life. Oh, where did we fail her, Hah? Daett and I tried so hard, but it was as if her heart was turned from us even in the beginning. As a small girl she’d stand and admire Englisha dresses in the shop windows in Mifflinburg. I used to think it was cute until the truth dawned on me. How could I not have seen what was happening sooner?”
“You did all you could do,” Ida said. She got up to slip her arm around Mamm’s shoulder. They clung to each other for a long moment.
“At least Lois is not in the bann.” Mamm wiped her eyes and returned to the stove and her supper preparations.
They comforted themselves with small blessings, Ida figured. But there was nothing wrong with that. A vision of Alvin Knepp and his awful spiritual condition while under the bann flashed through her mind. If Lois were in such a state…Ida pushed the thought away. She didn’t even want to think such thoughts! Should she tell Mamm more about the talk with Lois this morning? Ida decided to remain silent. Mamm had enough problems right now, and so did she. Debbie would be home soon, and she would ask if Debbie would go with her to Melvin’s place. Debbie shouldn’t have any objections. Not after she explained why Mamm wanted these visits. And if there were, she could tell Debbie about the part Melvin had played in her being allowed to remain in the community. Debbie would want to help out after that.
Mamm interrupted her thoughts. “I’m glad you’re not doing what Lois is. I want to be sure you know that.”
“Thank you,” Ida replied.
She never would follow in Lois’s footsteps, and Mamm knew that. Mamm attempted a smile as Ida left with the pile of folded wash. She put the laundry away in the bedroom dressers and then finished the rest of the wash on the dining room table. Mamm continued supper preparations…both women quiet in their thoughts.
Twenty-Eight
On Friday night of that week, Alvin paused at his mailbox at the Park Heights Apartments. He took the three envelopes out and turned them over in his hand. One looked like a credit card application, one had no return address, and the third letter he slid into his pocket. His parents’ return address was written on it. He’d open it once the pain in his chest subsided. The news from home couldn’t be gut. On top of that, he was much more homesick than he’d ever imagined he’d become. Going back wasn’t something he could do. There were simply too many unresolved issues.
Alvin pushed open the door of his apartment and turned on the lamp near the couch. His gaze took in his surroundings for a long moment before it settled on the electric stove with the microwave above it. He’d become more Englisha each day, and now used both with regularity. Though these objects of the world no longer caused him pause, inside he was still Amish enough to know he didn’t really belong here. And yet where did he belong?
Alvin flopped down on the couch and ripped open the letter from home. He might as well face whatever accusing words were written there. This would be from his mamm, he knew. His daett wouldn’t even think to write—even if they’d been close, which they hadn’t.
Dear son,
I hope this finds you well. We’ve survived the winter okay, and spring is slowly trying to break out. Hopefully the city doesn’t spread germs and infections around like I’ve heard it does. I can’t imagine you being affected much anyway, having been raised on the farm like you were.
With the coming of spring, our financial problems on the farm are fully out in the open for all to see. I’m ashamed, as is your daett. In a way I’m glad you’re not here to experience this. Although I do so wish you wouldn’t have chosen this way out—that of being cast out of the church. My heart breaks just thinking about your spiritual condition. Please reconsider what you’re doing. Nothing could be as bad here as being outside Da Hah’s will there. We have relatives in Ohio, Alvin. You can visit them for a few months and make things right with the church from there. Anything would be better than being out there in that awful world. Think about this, would you?
I’ve also continued thinking long and hard on what went wrong that caused you to leave because I know something did. Something you haven’t told either your daett or me. Even with my continued ill health I’ve spent hours in prayer, asking Da Hah to show me what it could be. I’ve asked Him to tell us where we offended you. And I believe I’m beginning to see that the farm problems you had with daett certainly do lie at the root of this matter. I haven’t yet spoken to your daett about these thoughts, but I will when the time is right.
I don’t know much about farming, Alvin, and that’s perhaps why I’ve never paid much attention. I’ve preferred to allow your daett to run things as he pleased—and is that not how things should be? Yet, this financial ruin we are under has changed a lot. I’ve had to sit in the living room while a committee of men—of which Deacon Mast is the head—sit at the kitchen table with Daett going over the operations of the farm. I tell you, Alvin, it is a shame no one should have to bear. I now walk into the Sunday morning meetings with my head bowed. And I wouldn’t even think of attending the monthly sewings—at least not until this is over. And from the looks of things, it won’t be over for a very long time.
These past evenings I’ve listened to the committee talking with Daett, and I’ve heard them say things that you’ve said so many times that Daett never paid attention to. I’m sorry, Alvin. I never thought things were in a serious enough state to intervene. But the matter is becoming as clear to me as daylight. You knew how to farm with the newfangled ways the committee keeps bringing up and your Daett would never allow. Now they are forcing him to change. He fumes and fusses, sometimes right to their faces, but they don’t back down.
Am I not right in thinking this was the primary reason for your leaving, Alvin? Did you perhaps see this coming? But surely this alone wouldn’t have been enough to drive you away from us. And yet, perhaps it’s more serious than I imagine. I lie awake at night wondering, doubting myself, wishing I could have done thing
s differently. Where was I anyway? You were so different from the other boys, Alvin. I should have done something sooner. I should have spoken with Daett, but it seemed too difficult. Especially after your brothers grew up in front of you, all of them caring little how things were done around here. I guess I expected things would turn out the same. Then when Da Hah sends us the one boy with the answers, we were too blind to see it. I really do think we have wronged you greatly, Alvin, and now we are paying for it with this great shame that hangs over our heads. Daett isn’t even allowed to buy a dollar of seed without the committee’s permission.
I fear that Daett will never change. I don’t think he’s able, Alvin. He’s too old. He has to listen to what the committee tells him, but he won’t do it right. I know he won’t. He might try because he has to, but it’s not in his heart.
If we are to save the farm, you must come home. Can you forgive us enough to consider this?
This brings me back to my original question. Was this the only reason you left? I used to think Debbie was partly to blame. You loved her, didn’t you? You always seemed so taken with her. I saw how much it meant when you were asked to be a table waiter with her at Verna’s wedding. That set-up was Debbie’s doing, wasn’t it? I think so, and I wish to ask your forgiveness on that matter also. I once imagined ill of her, but Debbie is a much better girl than I thought she was.
Alvin put the letter on his lap for a moment. He wiped his eyes with the back of one hand and stared at the blank wall. This was not what he’d expected. What had come over his mamm? Was it the shock of what the family was going through right now? Could he believe what he was reading? Did his mamm really understand him? And now she was even apologizing for her objections to Debbie? He picked the letter up again.
I probably shouldn’t tell you this, Alvin, because I do want you to return to the community for the right reason. But I’m also your mamm, and I hope Da Hah understands that I’d do almost anything to bring you back. Not just because I want you back, but because returning to the faith is the only way you will ever be happy. I know you well enough to know that, Alvin. I’m your mamm.
Seeing Your Face Again Page 19