Seeing Your Face Again

by Jerry S. Eicher

  There’s been a fuss in the community lately about Debbie. I myself had things to say on the matter, but I freely admit I was wrong. The recent trouble with Debbie flared up when Bishop Beiler’s daughter Lois left for the Englisha world. Many in the community blamed Debbie’s influence. In the midst of all that, I heard that Paul Wagler made a move to win Debbie’s hand. That sounds like he was trying to take advantage of the woman to me, since I know Debbie wished to stay in the community at all costs. But Debbie turned down his request to take her home from the Sunday night hymn singing in the face of all that. I couldn’t believe this when I heard the news. She turned down Paul’s advances even though it would likely result in a denial of her heart’s desire to stay in the community.

  Doesn’t that tell you something? Debbie’s not going to fall for Paul Wagler under any circumstances. Take that into account, Alvin. And the fact that I now see the gut heart the woman has.

  Again, I’m sorry about all this, Alvin. Hopefully you can find forgiveness in your heart for our shortcomings. Come home. We can work things out. Talk to Deacon Mast. Tell him you see your mistake. Tell him you know the Englisha world isn’t the answer to your problems. If you return, your daett and I will move to a dawdy haus. I’ll see that Daett gives you full control on the farm, and the committee will back me up.

  You still have a chance with Debbie. I know you do. She has a heart that longs for what we have. Don’t throw this chance away, Alvin. I know the road hasn’t been easy for you, but you’ve done some things right—like not speaking evil of Daett during this time. So consider my words. Please? There’s still time to make this right.

  With all my prayers and my longing heart,

  Your mamm, Helen

  Alvin stood and paced the floor, the letter dangling from his fingers. Moments later it dropped to the floor and slid under the kitchen table. Alvin didn’t notice. He came to a halt before the picture window overlooking the street below. The line of cars moved past as usual, but he wasn’t seeing them. In his mind’s eye he saw the rolling valley around the small town of Beaver Springs. A thin stretch of blacktop ran toward Lewistown in the west and east toward Middleburg, but in-between were the fertile farmlands where men grew crops like Da Hah had instructed Adam after he was driven out of the garden. “In toil you shall eat of [the ground] all the days of your life…In the sweat of your face you shall eat bread.”

  He’d known that kind of work all his life; from dawn to dusk, while spring broke across the land and summer lay just around the corner, in the long fall and winter nights he’d waited out the cold. He’d tended the livestock in the barn and longed for the sun’s warmth to bring the land to life again. That was his world. And Mamm had figured out the main problem. All the years he had lived in the house, she’d tended to him like she had his brothers. But they had never spoken words like these before.

  But now it seemed the thoughts had surely been near the surface. It was Daett who had kept them at bay. Alvin must mend that fence, but how? Daett would not look upon his return as a blessing, not while this shame hung over the farm. Not while he, Alvin, his youngest son, would side with the committee. Regardless of what Mamm said, Daett would feel betrayal far beyond anything that had happened so far. Alvin had said over and over through the years how things needed to change on the farm. That had been one thing. Daett could take or leave his advice, but now all that had changed. If he went back, his words would stand against Daett’s and win the day. Mamm would never fully understand what that would mean.

  What was he to do? He couldn’t rush home, and he did have an attachment here now. There was Crystal to think of. He couldn’t just walk away from her. And he hadn’t even thought of Debbie in some time. Not that long ago he would have felt a great shame because another girl had made her way into his heart. Somehow it had happened, and now it couldn’t easily be undone. And Crystal planned to go out with him tonight for another walk to the park, as was their habit. He wouldn’t stand her up. Not ever.

  Alvin glanced around. His gaze finally found the letter under the kitchen table. He reached down and retrieved it. He slid the letter into the desk drawer. He had to eat supper and get ready. He would think more about this later.

  Twenty-Nine

  Alvin was waiting in the lobby of Park Heights Apartments when Crystal came out of the elevator with Brutus pulling on the leash. Alvin greeted her with a slight smile, but it wasn’t enough to fool Crystal.

  “Alvin, you look worried. Did something happen at work?”

  “No, just a letter from home.” He held the front door for her, and Brutus rushed out, nearly dragging Crystal with him. She laughed and hung on. Alvin sprinted after her and caught up in the parking lot. When they were able to begin a restrained walk with Brutus, she pressed the matter. “Not good news, huh?”

  “You could say that.” He stayed on the street side as they made their way briskly toward Clovery Park.

  “Parents not doing well?” she persisted. He’d given her only the briefest descriptions of where he came from and life at home. She knew he’d been raised Amish, but he avoided the subject whenever possible.

  “A little trouble with money,” he said.

  She laughed again. “Doesn’t everyone have that?”

  When he only grunted, she probed. “You’ve never told me much about your family.”

  Maybe I don’t want to, he almost said. When she looked at him, he responded, “They live in Snyder County.”

  She raised her eyebrows. “Is that the great secret? You can tell me, you know.”

  “Amish troubles,” he muttered. He blurted the rest out. “I’ve been thrown out of our church. My mamm wants me home to straighten things up. And Daett is in trouble over his mismanagement of the family farm.”

  “Oh…” Her voice was sympathetic.

  Alvin kept his gaze averted.

  She pulled on his arm with her free hand. “I’m sorry. That must be awful. I hadn’t imagined anything like that.”

  “It happens I suppose.” He still didn’t look at her.

  “Thinking of going back?” Her voice cut into his thoughts.

  Alvin flinched. “Not really.”

  “So what are you doing way out here…living in an apartment…all by yourself? That must have been an awful fight you had with your folks.”

  “Amish don’t fight,” he said.

  She guffawed. “You don’t say!”

  Alvin felt the shame burn inside him. “I guess we do underneath where no one sees.”

  She was sympathetic. “Don’t take me wrong, Alvin. I didn’t mean that negatively. It’s just my way of saying things.”

  Alvin knew he shouldn’t, but he said the words anyway. “I suppose you think I’m a coward for running from my problems.”

  She pulled on his arm again. “Of course not. You don’t have a cowardly bone in your body. That’s what I like about you—a wholesomeness I haven’t seen before. Maybe never. I don’t know. But you have it. If you went off without a family blow-up, it must be for a good reason. You wouldn’t do anything wrong, Alvin.”

  He glanced at her. “Thank you for believing in me.” The shame burned a little less. She had that effect on him. That’s what he liked about her. It had never been so obvious, but tonight when he needed words that healed, she’d spoken them.

  “You’re thanking me?” Crystal hung on to the leash. Brutus had caught sight of the park entrance and made a dash forward. She reached down to unclip his leash. The dog raced off, disappearing from sight. “There! Now we can talk in peace. Come…” She took his hand. “Let’s sit on the bench.”

  Alvin allowed himself to be led, just as he’d allowed these increasingly intimate touches from her. They weren’t wrong, he told himself. Dating couples at home touched each other in innocent ways. But he wasn’t really dating Crystal, and yet it was as if he were. He couldn’t be more confused if he tried, Alvin decided. He sat down on the bench beside her. Crystal smelled of flowers tonight. Roses, he thou
ght.

  She turned her head as if she knew his thoughts. “Do you like it?”

  “It’s wonderful,” he replied without looking at her.

  She laughed. “Don’t the girls you know at home wear perfume? Or does the smell of the horses drown out everything else?”

  Alvin managed to join her in laughter. “I guess I wouldn’t know. I have no sisters, and I’ve never really dated.”

  “No sisters? And no dating?” Crystal’s eyebrows went up. “You’re an uneducated man indeed.”

  He knew his neck was turning bright red with the heat of his emotions.

  She didn’t seem to mind. “Tsk, tsk, Alvin. This does explain much. But wait—wasn’t there a girl somewhere in your story?”

  “Yah.” She might as well know. He had no shame to hide when it came to Debbie.

  Crystal frowned for a moment. “Was there news in the letter about her?”

  He bit his lip and didn’t answer. He didn’t want to discuss Debbie with her. And how would she understand his complicated feelings when it came to Debbie when he didn’t? Crystal might not be impressed with a man who left the girl he loved because he expected to lose out to another man, no matter what his reasons were. Perhaps it was more evidence of cowardice.

  “Is she seeing someone else?”

  “No, she…” He stopped. He wasn’t going to tell Crystal more. It wasn’t right.

  Crystal already had it figured out from the look on her face. “Broken up with him, right? And now she could be yours…if you went back?”

  He felt disconcerted. How did women know these things without being told? His mother had figured out most of his heart’s secrets without a word from him, and now Crystal was doing almost as well.

  “It’s complicated,” he said.

  “It always is.” She stood and whistled for Brutus. When there was no response, she sat down again. “Confound that dog! He’d better not make me run halfway through the park to find him.”

  “I’ll do the running,” he offered. This was a routine they’d fallen into. He used the excuse that he needed exercise, and she usually took him up on it. But she didn’t look that pleased tonight.

  “I hope you stay here, Alvin. You like your job, don’t you? And I’m guessing you’re close to a promotion. You should be, at least.”

  Alvin allowed a wry grin to cross his face. “I’m fixing half the hotel it seems—plumbing and anything to do with carpentry. I get double the wages I began with, which doesn’t make much sense. I’m only doing what I always did around the farm, tinkering with things.”

  “See!” Crystal looked triumphant. “You’re getting paid for once, unlike on the farm. And we could make something of this…” She paused to think for a moment, “…this friendship we have, Alvin. You’re one of a kind. Solid, true, honest, hardworking, rising in the world. What more could a girl want?”

  Alvin looked away and thought of Debbie and Paul. “Apparently a lot.”

  She hesitated. “You look really good to me. Or am I being too forward for you? I guess I have to start asking that question.”

  He shrugged. “I’m fine.” She reminded him of Debbie. He gave Crystal a warm look. He liked forwardness in a girl, he decided. At least this kind of forwardness. Hadn’t Debbie finagled the arrangement between them at Verna’s wedding? He’d liked that. Or perhaps it was the ways of Englisha girls he liked.

  “So you’re staying then?” Her face lit up. “And you and me, we could…”

  “Look, Crystal,” he interrupted, taking her hand. “I like you as a friend. I’m not ready for anything else. It’s complicated, remember? And your world…it’s not mine yet. And I don’t know if it can be…what you have out here.”

  Her face clouded even as her fingers tightened on his. “I think I understand, Alvin. That’s okay.”

  He felt the softness of her hand in his. It would be easy to love this girl, he decided. He could almost let himself go. It would be like stepping into a rushing river. He would have to do little but hang on. And yet he couldn’t. Not now anyway. And it wasn’t fair to Crystal to say things he wasn’t sure of.

  “That’s okay,” she repeated. “Let’s not ruin what we have.” She regarded him for a moment. “You’re a dear, you know. So innocent and unspoiled. You haven’t seen much of life have you?”

  He looked away. “I imagine not.” He glanced back and met her gaze. “But I’ve seen you. That seems like a lot to me.”

  She threw her arms around him and hugged him. She didn’t let go for a long time.

  “What was that all about?” he asked, his hand lingering in hers.

  She gave him a weak smile. “With a sugar tongue like that, you sure you don’t know what it’s for?”

  He ignored the remark and tightened his hold on her hand. “Tell me about yourself, Crystal. You’ve not told me much.”

  She leaned her head against his shoulder. “You’re not going to find out, Alvin. You’re too dangerous.”

  “Why?” He looked down at her. “I’ve told you about me.”

  She laughed. “Not much, I’m sure.”

  Again she was right. His silence was answer enough.

  “Some things shouldn’t be told.” She moved beside him. “Not ever.”

  In the silence that followed, Alvin wondered what secrets Crystal had. He couldn’t imagine she’d ever done anything wrong in her life, but then what did he know. He was from the farm…an Amish farm at that.

  “We’d better be getting back.” She was on her feet now. “Brutus is likely into some sort of mischief by now.”

  He kept her hand in his. “I love it when you’re with me, Crystal. You do me good.”

  She pulled her fingers from his. “I feel the same way. You’re good for me, Alvin. Very good.” Her gaze lingered for moment. “Now, where’s that dog?”

  “Let’s see if this will bring him.” Alvin whistled twice, and a few seconds later Brutus bounded out of the bushes.

  Crystal turned toward Alvin. “What are you, a magician?”

  He laughed. “I’m afraid not. I can’t even fix my own life.” It would take Da Hah’s help for that. But he didn’t tell that to Crystal. She might not like his mention of God, and he hadn’t really prayed much for a long time. But perhaps it was time he began. There was an awful lot that needed to be fixed in his life. That much he knew.

  Crystal snapped the leash on Brutus, and the dog followed the couple without fuss, apparently worn out from his long run in the park. Alvin led the way as they walked down the street.

  Crystal seemed tired…even subdued. She didn’t say anything, and Alvin didn’t know what should be said.

  “Can we do this again soon?” he asked as they paused when they reached the apartment steps.

  She didn’t hesitate. “I’d love to, Alvin.”

  She moved on into the lobby toward the elevator. He wanted to ask her to wait, to share with him what was bothering her, but he didn’t.

  He followed her inside, and they silently boarded the elevator. When they reached the fourth floor, he took her hand and gave it a squeeze.

  “Good night now,” she said. “I hope your troubles at home get solved.”

  “And yours,” he said. “Whatever they are.”

  She got off and the elevator doors closed.

  Moments later, Alvin entered his apartment. He took the letter from his mamm out of desk drawer and read through it again. Then slowly he slipped the paper back inside. He would have to write home soon, but he couldn’t until he knew for sure what his answer would be. That might take some time. He also had to make sense out of what had happened between him and Crystal tonight. That might take even more time.

  Thirty

  A week later, on Friday morning, Debbie drove Buttercup and the buggy toward Melvin Kanagy’s place. Ida was seated beside Debbie, offering advice on handling a horse. Debbie needed the practice now that she had definite plans to become part of the community. Ida hadn’t minded in the least when she’
d asked for the reins once they left home. Ida was too thankful Debbie had agreed to take off from work and come along to complain about who drove. At least Ida didn’t seem nervous that she’d run into the ditch while she drove the horse.

  In fact, Ida wasn’t nervous at all about going to Melvin’s place either. She felt she knew the man well from their Sunday evening dates. And even the fact that Ida would see Melvin’s family at their home for the first time tonight didn’t have her in a tizzy. Ida was a marvel indeed, Debbie thought.

  “Going to Melvin’s to spend the day with his family is Mamm’s idea,” Ida said. “It’s part of the plan and shouldn’t be a big deal at all.”

  It was also a decent plan, Debbie acknowledged. Ida would have more work than she could possibly imagine once she married Melvin. It would be a giant task taking care of another woman’s six children, even for a dedicated and hard-working person like Ida.

  Ida seemed deep in thought. Likely she was mentally working out a schedule to run the house for Melvin and his children. Debbie gave her friend a quick glance. “Plans churning around in your head?”

  A quick smile flashed across Ida’s face. “You know me well. But what about yourself? Have you thought of another visit to see Alvin?”

  Debbie started. “Of course not!” Visions of Alvin dressed in his Englisha clothes with an equally Englisha dressed woman by his side flashed through her mind. That the woman was pretty only made matters worse. Debbie was going to forget Alvin and go on with her life. Alvin might be part of the reason she originally wanted to join the community, but she didn’t need his love to continue her quest.

  Ida was still on the subject. “I’m surprised Verna is letting you give up on him now that Paul is no longer in the picture.”

  Debbie kept her eyes on the road. There was no way she would tell Ida or anyone about what had happened in Philadelphia. She kept her voice steady. “I haven’t stopped at Verna’s lately. I don’t have my car anymore, and I’m on thin ice with your dad and everyone else already. That’s plenty of reason right there to stay away from Alvin. With Alvin being in the bann, if the ministry even thought I was considering seeing him again…”