by Jeff Kinney
I’m very excited that you’re holding the Kindle edition of
Diary of a Wimpy Kid in your hands.
When I read my first e-book on a Kindle, I was amazed at
the possibilities. Carrying a whole library around with me on a
device I could fit in the palm of my hand? Amazing.
What’s been very rewarding to me as an author has been
seeing kids carrying their dog-eared copies of Diary of a
Wimpy Kid with them. The Kindle allows kids to have the
whole series at their fingertips, and the reading experience
is crisp and clean every time . . . with no chance of today's
breakfast staining the pages.
Thank you for purchasing Diary of a Wimpy Kid on your
Kindle. I hope it gives you lots of laughs and you have as
much fun reading it as I did writing it.
Jeff Kinney
NOVEMBER
Saturday
Most people look forward to the holidays, but the
stretch between Thanksgiving and Christmas just
makes me a nervous wreck. If you make a mistake
in the first eleven months of the year, it’s no big
deal. But if you do something wrong during the
holiday season, you’re gonna pay for it.
It’s too much pressure to be on your best behavior
for a whole month. The most I can really handle
is six or seven days in a row. So if they moved
Thanksgiving to the week before Christmas, it
would be fine by me.
maybe you would’ve
gotten more
presents if you
hadn’t pinched your
brother last week!
Kids whose families don’t celebrate Christmas
are lucky because they don’t have to stress out
whenever they do something wrong at this time
of year. In fact, I have a few friends in that
category who I think act a little extra jerky
around now just because they can.
The thing that REALLY makes me nervous is this
whole Santa issue. The fact that he can see you
when you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake
really creeps me out. So I’ve started wearing
sweatpants to bed because I really don’t need
Santa seeing me in my underwear.
oops!
trip
2
I’m not really convinced that Santa has the time to
keep an eye on you twenty-four hours a day anyway.
I figure he can only check in on each kid once or
twice a year for a few seconds—and with my luck,
that happens at the most embarrassing moments.
If Santa really DOES see everything you do,
then I could be in trouble. So when I write him,
I don’t say what I want for Christmas and all
that. I use my letters to paint myself in the best
possible light.
that’s
disgusting!
Dear Santa,
I did not throw a crab apple
at Mrs. Taylor’s cat, even
though it might’ve looked
that way from a distance.
Sincerely,
Greg Heffley
3
Then there’s this “Naughty or Nice” list they’re
always talking about. You hear about it, but
you never actually get to SEE it, so it’s up to
grown-ups to tell you where you stand at any
given moment. And something about that just
doesn’t seem right.
I kind of wonder how accurate the list really is
anyway. There’s a kid named Jared Pyle who lives
up the street from me, and if there’s ANYONE
who deserves to be on the “Naughty” list,
it’s him. But last year he got a dirt bike for
Christmas, so don’t even ask me WHAT Santa was
thinking on THAT one.
if you help me with these
groceries i’ll bet it
will be just enough to
make santa’s “nice” list!
4
It’s not just Santa I’ve got to worry about,
either. Last year when Mom was going through
some old boxes, she found a homemade doll from
her childhood.
Mom said the doll is called “Santa’s Scout” and
that his job is to watch how kids behave and then
report back to Santa at the North Pole.
From Santa
5
Well, I’m not a fan of that idea. First of all, I
think you have a right to privacy in your own home.
And second, Santa’s Scout gives me the willies.
I don’t really buy the idea that this doll is
feeding Santa information, but just in case, I
try to be extra good whenever I’m in the same
room as Santa’s Scout.
shudder
shudder
may i clear
everyone’s
plates?
why, how
thoughtful
of you!
6
But it probably doesn’t matter anyway, because
my older brother, Rodrick, is constantly feeding
Santa’s Scout bad information about me.
Every morning when I wake up, Santa’s Scout is in
a new place, which I guess is supposed to prove that
he traveled to the North Pole overnight. But I’m
starting to wonder if it’s really Rodrick who moves him.
i, greg heffley,
took a twenty-
dollar bill out of
my mother’s purse.
scream!!!
yank
chips
7
Sunday
Today we took all our Christmas decorations out
of the storage room in the basement. We have
boxes full of ornaments, and some of them are
pretty old. There’s one with a picture of me and
Rodrick taking a bath in the sink that’s really
embarrassing, but Mom won’t let me throw it out.
We put up the tree in the living room and started
hanging ornaments on it. My little brother,
Manny, was taking a nap upstairs, and when he
woke up and found out we were decorating the
tree without him, he had a total meltdown.
8
The reason Manny was so upset was because
someone hung his favorite ornament, this candy
cane he really likes. So Mom took it off the tree
and handed it to Manny to hang up himself.
But Manny wanted his ornament to be the
FIRST one on the tree, so that meant we had
to take all the decorations down, just so he could
get his way.
sniff
9
And that’s just the kind of thing that happens
in my house every single day.
Mom hasn’t started to use the threat of Santa
as a way of getting Manny to behave, but I’m
sure she will soon. I don’t think it’s such a good
strategy for keeping us in line, though. Because
the second Christmas is over, Mom doesn’t have
any real leverage.
xmas
well! the easter
bunny is going to be
very disappointed
in you boys!
10
Monday
Right before Thanksgiving break, there was a
contest at school to see who could come up with
the best anti-bullying slogan, and the grand prize
was a pizza party for the winning team.
Everyone wanted that pizza party, and people
didn’t care WHAT they had to do to win it. Two
groups of girls in my grade came up with slogans
that were really similar, and each group accused
the other one of stealing their idea.
Only you
can stop
bullying!
Form a team of up to five pepole and
come up with the best anti-bullying
slogan. The winning team will get a
pizza party in the cafeteria!
Let’s make bullying extinct!
bullies
are
mean
bullies are
meanies
11
The whole situation spun out of control, and
eventually the vice principal had to step in to stop
it from turning into a full-scale riot.
Our school only has one legitimate bully this year
anyway, and his name is Dennis Root. And with
all the signs and posters everywhere, I’m pretty
sure the message is getting through to him.
bullies are
meanies
bulldoze bullying
no
bully
zone
stop
bullying
now
12
The day before Thanksgiving there was a big
anti-bullying assembly, and everyone in the
auditorium was looking at Dennis the whole time.
I kind of felt sorry for him, so I tried to make
him feel better.
Even though Dennis is the only real bully in our
school this year, we had a BUNCH of them
LAST year. People were constantly getting picked
on at recess, so the teachers set up a station on
the playground where kids could press a button if
they needed to get a grown-up’s attention.
tell-a-teacher
station
Pat
pat
13
Well, the Tell-a-Teacher station just ended up
being a convenient place for the bullies to hang
out and find their next victims.
The teachers say TEASING counts as bullying,
too, but I don’t think there’s any way they’re
gonna put a stop to THAT. Kids are always
calling each other names and that kind of thing
at my school. In fact, one of the reasons I try
to stay under the radar is because I don’t want
to end up getting stuck with a nickname like
Cody Johnson did.
In kindergarten Cody stepped in some dog poop
at recess, and ever since then people have called
him “Dookie.”
raaah!!!
shrieeek!!!
tell-a-teacher
station
14
And I’m not just talking about the kids, either.
I’m talking about the teachers and even the
PRINCIPAL.
I’ll tell you this: If I ever get a nickname like
Dookie, I’ll move to a different town.
whup!
ha
ha!
squish
congratulations to
dookie johnson for
getting straight a’s in
the third quarter!
15
But what would probably happen is that someone
from my OLD school would move to my new town
and the whole thing would just start back up again.
The teachers always say that when you’re getting
picked on, you should tell an adult. I think that’s
a good idea, but it didn’t work out so well when I
was getting bullied.
hey!
dookie!
There was this kid who lived in the neighborhood
next to mine, and for some reason everyone called
him “Nasty Pants.”
16
Every time me and my friend Rowley went
through Nasty Pants’s neighborhood, he chased us
with a stick.
The thing that really stunk was that me and
Rowley used the woods in that neighborhood as a
shortcut to get to school. So we started having
to go out of our way to avoid getting harassed by
Nasty Pants.
raaaah!
17
We did EXACTLY what the teachers are always
telling us to do, and complained to the vice
principal. But Vice Principal Roy said that since
Nasty Pants didn’t go to our school, there was
nothing he could really do about it.
After getting chased a few more times, I
decided I’d had enough, so I told Dad about
the situation. I was afraid Dad was gonna say I
needed to toughen up and deal with the problem
myself, but he surprised me. Dad said that HE
had problems with a bully at my age and he knew
just what I was going through.
mr. roy
18
Dad’s bully was named Billy Staples, and Billy’s
favorite thing to do was pin a kid’s arm behind his
back and hold it there until he cried.
Dad said that the kids in the neighborhood
told their parents about Billy and they all went
to Billy’s house to confront his mom and dad.
Mr. Staples made Billy promise to never pick on
anyone ever again, and Dad said Billy burst into
tears and might have even wet his pants.
yaaar!!!
squeal!
twist
sniff
19
Well, after hearing that story, I don’t think Billy
Staples would’ve been any match for Nasty Pants.
But I told Dad I liked the idea of complaining to
the bully’s parents. I called up Rowley and told
him to come over and to bring his dad, because we
needed as much backup as we could get.
Dad knocked on Nasty Pants’s door, and we
waited for one of his parents to open it.
knock
knock
knock
20
But Nasty Pants HIMSELF came to the door,
and me and Rowley took off.
I guess I should’ve described Nasty Pants to
Dad, because it took him a while to understand
that the kid who came to the door was the one
who was causing us all that trouble.
Dad talked to Mrs. Pants, and she told Dad her
son was only five and that he just gets a little
wound up sometimes.
raaaah!
you smell
like a dirty
diaper. p.u.!
21
On the way home, Dad was pretty mad at me for
letting myself get bullied by a kid who was still in
kindergarten. But let me just say in my defense
that when some kid is chasing you with a stick,
you don’t stop to ask him how old he is.
Tuesday
They took the last piece of playground equipment
away at school today. We started off the year
with all sorts of things, lik
e monkey bars and
swings and stuff, but now the playground is an
empty sawdust pit.
So recess is basically like a prison yard.
22
I heard the school was having trouble paying
the insurance for the playground, so every time
there was some kind of accident or injury on a
piece of equipment, the easiest thing to do was
just remove it.
In October, Francis Knott went flying off the
swing set and landed on the seesaw, so that took
out two big items right there.
We lost the monkey bars when a girl named
Christine Higgins climbed to the top and then got
too scared to come down.
Waaugh!
23
The teachers aren’t allowed to touch kids, so
they had to call Christine’s parents to come and
get her.
Eventually the only piece of equipment left was
the balance beam, and I figured nobody could get
hurt on THAT thing. But believe it or not, some
idiot wasn’t looking where he was going the other
day, so now that’s gone, too.
gaaah!
trip
24
Without any playground equipment, there’s really
nothing for us to do. But the teachers won’t
even let us sit down, because they say we have to
stay “active.”
And it’s not like you’re allowed to bring in toys
or video games to keep yourself occupied, either.
In fact, if you get caught with a toy on the
playground, it’ll get confiscated. Last week
somebody found a miniature car buried in the sawdust
that looked like it had been there for years.
hey!
25
The car had three missing wheels, but people were
so desperate for entertainment that they lined up
to play with it while others kept lookout.
Now there’s a black market for toys at our school.
Christopher Stangel brought in a bunch of Legos
from home yesterday, and I hear a single brick will
set you back fifty cents.
The teachers have banned a bunch of games we
used to play, too. Last week a group of boys were