by Jeff Kinney
us about what their lives were like in jail, and it
really freaked everybody out.
But it wasn’t the idea of being locked up that
scared me. It was the fact that the toilets in
the cells are right out in the open.
152
did you
poop?
cupcake
club
OFFICIAL MEMBER
HEFFLEY, GREGORY
I have a HUGE issue when it comes to privacy.
It’s bad enough at school when you come back
from the bathroom and everyone wants to know
all the details.
I’ve never actually broken the law before, but
when I was little I THOUGHT I did. They
used to have this thing at my supermarket called
the “Cupcake Club,” where they gave a free
cupcake to everyone under eight years old. I had a
membership card and everything.
153
Well, I kept taking a cupcake even AFTER I
turned eight, and every time I did I thought
I was gonna get busted. Then this one time an
alarm went off at the EXACT moment I bit into
a strawberry frosted cupcake with sprinkles.
rrriiinngg
cupcake
club
Looking back, I’m pretty sure what happened
was that someone accidentally tripped the fire
alarm or something, but I was convinced it was
for me and that the cops were gonna swoop in
and place me under arrest.
So I made a run for it. Luckily Mom found me
a few streets away, because as far as I was
concerned, I was a fugitive and had started my
life of crime.
154
But this vandalism thing was a whole lot more
serious than the Cupcake Club episode. So when
Mom got home with Manny, I didn’t tell her
about the note.
The person I was really worried about was DAD.
I haven’t been on his good side lately. In fact,
this morning we had an incident I’m sure he’s still
sore over.
I was asleep when I heard someone knocking on
the front door, but I didn’t wanna get out of
bed to answer it.
155
knock
knock
knock
knock
knock
knock
I was hoping whoever was there would just go
away and come back later.
But the knocking got louder and louder, and
the person out there was acting like a maniac. I
buried myself in my covers and just prayed that
whoever it was wouldn’t knock the door down.
I thought about calling the police, but then I
remembered I was a wanted man and that I’d
have to deal with this problem on my own.
156
Eventually I got brave enough to go downstairs
and grab a baseball bat out of the garage to
protect myself.
Then it got quiet, and I pulled the curtain
back to see if the person was still out there.
But I was surprised to see DAD standing on
the front step.
He had gotten his tie stuck in the door and had
left his keys inside, so he just needed me to open
it to let him loose.
knock
knock
knock
157
So I’m sure Dad is ready to ship me off to
juvenile detention the first chance he gets. In
fact, if he’s home when the police come, he’ll
probably hand me over into their custody without
batting an eye.
It turns out I don’t have to worry about Dad—
at least not for the next twenty-four hours.
It started snowing pretty hard around dinner
tonight, and Dad called Mom to say it was too
dangerous for him to drive home, so he was gonna
stay overnight in a hotel near his office.
That means I’ve got until tomorrow to figure out
my next move.
Sip
158
Friday
It looks like I’ll have more time than I thought.
It snowed all night, and by the time I woke up
this morning the snow was three feet high. They
even canceled school.
Apparently we’re in the middle of a BLIZZARD.
Rowley actually called last night to tell me we
were supposed to get a ton of snow, but I didn’t
believe him.
Every year around this time, Rowley calls to
tell me there’s a huge snowstorm coming, and
he’s always wrong. His family taped one of those
holiday specials a few years ago, and the night
they recorded it a “severe weather” warning was
on the bottom of the screen.
159
So now the weather warning is a permanent part
of the recording.
blizzard alert:2—3 feet of snow expected
Every time Rowley watches that holiday special,
he calls me up and tells me a blizzard is coming.
I used to fall for it, but I stopped believing him
after he called me in a panic when he watched the
special over summer vacation.
So it looks like we’re snowed in. Ordinarily I
would be really happy to be stuck in the house,
because it would give me a good excuse to play Net
Kritterz all day long.
160
But my account is locked thanks to Manny.
nooooooo!
A few days ago Mom decided it would be a good
idea to teach Manny how to use the computer,
so she let him play on my Net Kritterz account
while I was at school. By the time I got home,
Manny traded in everything I ever earned in the
game for tokens and then blew all of them in the
Kritterz Kasino.
And the worst part is that Manny somehow
figured out how to change my PASSWORD, so
now I can’t even play the game and earn my
stuff back. For the past few days I’ve been
getting e-mails from Net Kritterz telling me I
need to get back on the site, but there’s nothing
I can do about it.
161
And if something doesn’t change soon, I don’t
think my Chihuahua is gonna make it.
TO: Heffley, Gregory
FROM: Net Kritterz
SUBJECT: SOS!
Dear Gregory-
GREGORY'S LITTLE FRIEND
misses you!
Purchase more tokens
for your virtual pet
before it's too late!
This isn’t the only password Manny has changed,
either. He figured out how to mess with the
settings on our TV and changed the “parental
lock” feature.
The parental lock thing is supposed to allow
parents to control what their kids can watch,
but Manny changed the settings so that the only
shows we can watch are HIS favorites. And he
won’t give up the password, no matter how much
we try to bribe him.
162
let’s be
best
friends!
Luckily I can still play video games on the TV.
But Mom just got this exercise game, and now she
spends an hour a
day using my system.
keep it
up!
When it got cold a few weeks ago, Mom said she
wanted the whole family to use her exercise game
so we’d stay active during the winter. I tried
it out, but I don’t really like to sweat while I’m
playing video games.
163
The problem is, the game keeps track of how
much you exercise each day, so Mom was on my case
about not using it. But then I figured out I
could use the controller instead of my body, and
within a few days I had all the high scores on
the game.
tap
tap
tap
you’re
doing
great!
When Mom saw my high scores, she took it as a
personal challenge to beat them. I feel like I
should probably come clean and tell her I cheated,
but she’s already lost five pounds trying to get
on the leaderboard, so I think I’ll do her a favor
and keep my mouth shut.
(pant,
pant)
chips
High
scores
Greg
Greg
Greg
Greg
164
Mom always says I need to spend less time on
the couch and more time being active. But the
way I see it, I’m just conserving my energy for
later on. When all my friends are in their eighties
and their bodies are broken down, I’ll just be
getting started.
48…
49…
50!
This morning Mom wanted to turn on the weather
channel to see when the blizzard was going to
end, but Manny wasn’t budging on the parental
lock, so she went into the kitchen and turned on
the radio.
The weather report said we could expect another
foot and a half overnight, which means this storm
is gonna break all the records for our area by the
time it’s finished.
165
On the one hand I was pretty happy, because
that meant I had some more time to figure out
what to do about the police situation. But I was a
little worried, too. The snow was already up to our
mailbox, and it wasn’t showing any sign of stopping.
Mom wasn’t stressed out about the snow, though.
She said it was a good opportunity to slow down
and relax and told me I should go down in the
storage room to get a puzzle.
But there was no WAY I was getting a puzzle
from the storage room. I have a big phobia
about puzzles, and that’s because once when I
got one out of the basement, I opened the box
and it was full of CRICKETS that had made a
nest in there.
166
wrapping
paper
Ornaments
Greg
Bb
After lunch Mom said that even though we were
gonna miss school, she was gonna make sure we
didn’t fall behind in our education. She said that
two hundred years ago all the kids went to school
in one classroom and that we could do the same
sort of thing in our house.
But if I was in the same classroom as a kid
Manny’s age back in the old days, I would have
gone bananas.
“b” says “buh.”
“buh.” “buh.”
167
Saturday
Last night Mom brought up some stuff from the
basement to keep us entertained. She found a
magic set I got for my sixth birthday, and all
the tricks were still in it.
I never really played with the magic set because
I couldn’t read the directions when I got it. But
today I read through the instructions and tried
a few tricks out.
Hole-in-the-Table Trick
Tell the audience there’s a
magical hole in the table and that
you can prove it by pushing a
plastic cup straight through it.
Put a piece of tinfoil over a plastic
cup and wrap it tight.
Slide the plastic cup toward you
and allow it to fall out onto your
lap. But don’t let your audience
see you do it!
Slap down on the empty tinfoil
shell with your hand, standing
up at the same time.
The plastic cup
will fall out of
your lap and
onto the floor,
making it seem
as if it has
passed through
the table! Voilà!
The first trick worked pretty well, and I had
Manny believing there was actually a magical hole
in the table.
168
I really wish I hadn’t done that trick for
Manny, though. When Mom was in the bathroom
washing her face, Manny got her glasses off the
dresser and brought them into the kitchen to try
the trick himself.
swap
jump
crink
When Mom got out of the bathroom to look for
her glasses, I had to tell her what happened.
169
Mom is practically BLIND without her glasses, so
she said me and Rodrick were gonna have to help
her out with Manny until Dad came home and she
could get a new pair. Rodrick said he had some
urgent homework assignments to work on, and
he took off for the basement, leaving me to deal
with Manny.
I had to brush Manny’s teeth and tie his shoes,
and then I had to make him breakfast. I poured
some milk in the bowl and then dumped Manny’s
favorite cereal on top.
Well, Manny was upset that I poured the milk in
first, and he had a fit. He wanted a new bowl of
cereal since he said I did it in the wrong order.
But I didn’t want to waste a perfectly good bowl
of cereal, so I refused to do it.
170
Mom asked what was going on, and I told her
Manny was just being ridiculous. I expected her to
back me up and tell Manny to just eat his cereal
the way it was, but Mom said she wouldnt eat it
with the milk poured in first, either.
You know, back in the old days adults were
respected because of how wise they were, and
people went to them to help settle disputes.
for your crimes, you
must repay your
neighbor with three
hens and a rooster.
171
Nowadays it’s a whole different world, and half
the time I wonder if grown-ups should really
be in charge.
can you show us
how to work the
microwave again?
Mom went upstairs to take a shower, and after she
was finished she yelled down and said there were
no towels in the bathroom. So I got one from the
linen closet and tried to give it to her. But the
handoff was tricky because she couldn’t see and I
was shutting my eyes as tight as I could.
Grope
Grope
172
Later that morni
ng Manny had to use the
bathroom, and Mom said she needed me to go in
there and keep him “entertained.” But that’s
where I put my foot down, because I knew what
she had in mind. Manny used to make Mom read
to him while he sat on the potty, but it just
escalated from there.
Puppet
Theater
After Manny was finished in the bathroom, Mom
said I needed to make him lunch. She said he likes
hot dogs, so I got one out of the refrigerator
and put it in the microwave.
Mom told me Manny is really finicky about the
way his mustard goes on his hot dog, and she said
he likes a straight line right down the middle.
I didn’t want a repeat of Manny’s breakfast
meltdown, so I tried to make the line of mustard
as perfectly straight as possible.
173
I was pretty sure I got it right.
Squirt
Manny had another temper tantrum, though.
I thought the line must not have been straight
enough, so I got a napkin and wiped the mustard
off to give it another try. But I guess Manny
thought that hot dog was tainted, so I had to
microwave another one.
This time I tried to be extra careful with the
mustard, but when I showed it to Manny, it was
the same exact result as before.
Mom asked me to describe how I was doing it,
and I told her I was making a straight line of
mustard along the length of the hot dog.
174
But Mom told me Manny likes his line of mustard
ACROSS the hot dog, and when I did it like
that, he finally calmed down.
Squirt
See, this is the kind of nonsense I’m dealing with
right now. I’ve seen a lot of movies where a kid
my age finds out he’s got magical powers and then
gets invited to go away to some special school.
Well, if I’ve got an invitation coming, now would
be the PERFECT time to get it.
See you
people
Later!
175
Sunday
This morning at 10:00, Mom told me to go
downstairs and wake up Rodrick. But when I
walked down the basement steps, I could tell