There was Dani’s room. Eliot could see the plant in the window. An African violet for her collection. He suspected she wouldn’t love this healthy one nearly as much as she did the scraggly ones she’d bought back from near death.
“You can do it if you love her enough, Nick. But that’s for you to decide.”
Eliot already knew his answer. If Dani wanted him—he’d be there. For her and the baby.
*
Ten days after the birth of her daughter, Dani was a wreck. She couldn’t get her baby to settle for more than a few hours at a time. And during those brief down periods when she ought to have been sleeping herself and gathering strength, she ended up crying half the time. Consequently, she was exhausted, and the place was a mess. Good thing she’d stocked up on the essentials before the birth, because she hadn’t been able to go for groceries, hadn’t even made it out of the condo at all, except for the baby’s one-week check-up. And she’d been fifteen minutes late for that.
Breastfeeding was an all-consuming routine when your baby wanted to eat every three hours. Dani ate her own meals on the run and settled for sponge bathing rather than showers, because they were faster.
Eliot had driven them home from the clinic and had come by a few times since, but she’d asked him to stop. She didn’t want him to see her like this. Not just incompetent, but actually falling apart.
With each passing day she became more convinced that Adrian had been right—and she’d made nothing but bad decisions since the day she found out she was pregnant. Oh, she loved her baby, thought she was the most precious creature ever. But she hated to think of all the vile comments, the rejections and disappointments that would surely come in her child’s future. The vehemence of Adrian’s anger, the palpable disgust he’d had for their baby, were stamped in her memory. And he was the father. How could she possibly expect strangers to behave any kinder?
Many times a day Dani longed to reach out to one of her sisters. But how could she ask for their help now, when she’d shut them out for so long? Her decision to keep her pregnancy secret was another of her deep regrets. It had been a form of repression—not talking about the baby had allowed her to push the possibility of complications to the back of her mind. She couldn’t believe how illogical she’d been. As if by ignoring the problem it would somehow go away.
But it hadn’t. The abnormalities that had been noticed in her first ultrasound had been real. Her baby was the living proof.
And now they were both going to have to live with the consequences, but Dani didn’t know how. At their one week check-up, she’d been told they were very fortunate that her baby hadn’t been born with any of the heart problems or eating difficulties that often plagued children with Down Syndrome.
At this point she didn’t feel fortunate. And she doubted her ability to handle a normal child, let alone one with extra challenges.
She’d notified Portia, Jenna and a few other friends and colleagues of her baby’s arrival by email, but hadn’t answered any of their replies. Somehow she was going to have to tell them about the Down Syndrome. But how? The effort was totally beyond her right now.
The sheets on her bed hadn’t been changed in weeks and they desperately needed washing. Dani didn’t care, however, as she fell face first onto the mattress after an early morning feeding. She hadn’t even changed the baby’s diaper this time. Surely one skipped diaper change wouldn’t hurt anything.
But when she awoke a few hours later, to her daughter’s angry cries, Dani saw the beginning of a pink rash on her little bottom and felt submersed with guilt. She was terrible at this. Just terrible. After cleaning her baby and applying some ointment, she gave her another feeding, then, cradling her close to her chest went around closing all the window blinds against the early morning light. She was beginning to hate sunshine because it only allowed her to see what a mess her place was. She’d even turned away the cleaning service this week because she was ashamed to let them inside.
Dani prided herself on being a smart woman. So how had her life come to this?
*
Though files were piling up on his desk, and his unanswered emails and phone calls were mounting, Eliot couldn’t concentrate. He was beyond worried. For a week Dani hadn’t been letting him in when he knocked on her door. His text messages and phone calls were also ignored. All he’d had from her was one simple line: “Need some time to adjust.”
Trouble was, he didn’t think she was adjusting. She needed help, but was too proud, or ashamed, or something to let anyone in. This was all thanks to that tirade in the hospital by that stupid jerk former boyfriend. He’d been totally off base, but somehow Adrian’s words had gotten to Dani, undermining her already shaky confidence in her abilities as a mother.
Even worse, Adrian had accused her of being cruel by bringing a child with disabilities into the world. In normal circumstances Dani would have seen that Adrian was the cruel one. But in her tired and vulnerable state she’d taken his words too much to heart.
Paige was at his door, wearing a dress covered in daisies and bearing a stack of paperwork he feared was for him.
“Thought I’d let you know the Greenway divorce has been halted.”
“Has it?” He wondered if his conversation with Nick the other week had been instrumental. “Well, I wish them the best.”
“Is something wrong? You seem a little distracted lately.”
He shook his head. “Sorry. A friend is in a jam and I haven’t been thinking straight lately. I wish I could do something to help her.”
“This friend wouldn’t be Dani Carrigan?”
He and Paige didn’t talk about their personal lives often. But over the years they’d become familiar with each other’s families and close friends. He’d told her Miriam had moved out of Seattle. And she knew about Dani’s pregnancy, too.
“Her baby was born with Down Syndrome. I don’t think she’s told any of her family or other friends. She’s just holed up in her condo trying to handle everything herself.”
“Oh, gosh. Poor woman.” Paige dropped off the papers, then sat in one of the chairs opposite his desk.
“I want to help, but I don’t know how.” He was a man who needed a plan. Once he knew what to do, he could make it happen.
Paige tilted her head thoughtfully. “Well, she probably needs help with cleaning and with meals. But more than that, she could use someone to talk to.”
“I’m not so sure about that.” She sure didn’t seem interested in talking to him lately.
“Do you remember the Churchills? You did some estate planning for them, six years ago after their second son was born.”
Eliot’s mind was blank. Why was she bringing up a case from so long ago? And then it came to him. “You’re brilliant, Paige.”
She left the chair with a smile. “I like to think so.”
*
When she heard the knock at her door, the only reason Dani knew it was early afternoon was because she’d heard the noon hour news a while ago. She’d turned on the TV that morning, just to remind herself that the entire world hadn’t ended. Only hers.
Go away Eliot, she said to herself as she finished fastening the baby’s new diaper. All traces of the rash were gone now and she was super vigilant about keeping her baby’s bottom dry. There was some comfort in knowing that at least she was capable of doing the basics for her daughter. Feeding her and keeping her clean. Holding her close and telling her she was loved.
If only that could be enough.
There was a repeat of the knocking, a little louder and longer this time.
Darn it, Eliot. She put the baby into her portable bassinette—she was just too tiny for the big crib. Plus Dani liked to keep her near, at all times. “Be right back, sweetie.”
She washed her hands and winced at her reflection. Ugh. Her total beauty routine these days consisted of brushing her teeth and running a damp facecloth over her body in the morning. Not only did she look rough, she suspected she didn’t smel
l that great either.
For the third time there was knocking at the door. Louder. And it didn’t stop.
Dani marched to the entranceway where she unlocked the deadbolt, but kept the safety chain attached. Holding the door ajar less than an inch she said, “Eliot, this isn’t a good time. I’m trying to get the baby to sleep.”
“Uh, sorry Dani. I’m not Eliot. This is Fredrick Bowman. I’m sorry to disturb you but if I could just have a minute—”
Oh my lord. Mr. Bowman? Something must be wrong for him to have pounded on her door like that. The most he’d ever done before was give a timid knock. Quickly she unlatched the door. “Are you okay?”
“Huh? Oh, yes, of course I am.” He looked at her with obvious concern. “Are you?”
She brushed a hand over her hair, then when she saw his gaze slip past her, to the mess in her living room, she stepped out to the hall, partially closing the door behind her. “I’m afraid I can’t invite you in. The place is a disaster zone.”
Mr. Bowman glanced down the hall to her left, then cleared his throat. “I heard you’d had your baby. And I don’t want to be a bother. But you’ve been so kind to me, I wanted to do something to help.” He held out his hands, palm side up. “But I can’t cook, as you know, so I couldn’t bring over any food. And then it hit me. Maybe you could use some help with the baby. So you could do things like go out shopping and—” he glanced at her hair, “—maybe go to the hair salon or whatever young ladies like you need to do.”
Dani didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at the idea of leaving her baby with sweet, old Mr. Bowman. “I’m not quite at the stage where I could leave the baby with a sitter. But it’s very nice of you to offer.”
“Oh. I didn’t explain. I’m not—” His gaze shifted to the side again. “I mean, I could hardly offer my own services. But I have a widowed friend whose daughter and her family recently moved away. She told me she’d love to go back to work as a nanny to a nice family. And as it happens, she’s at my place right now, so I thought—maybe you would like to meet her?”
Something was wrong here. Why would Mr. Bowman suddenly show up at her door offering the services of a friend who just happened to be looking for babysitting? And he kept looking down the hall—toward Eliot’s door.
“Did Eliot put you up to this?”
“Um. Well.”
She’d thought so. “I’m sure you mean well, Mr. Bowman. But—”
Before she could finish her sentence, Eliot came out into the hall with a woman who looked to be in her late fifties. She had short, salt-and-pepper hair, a pleasant face and a figure that was trim despite the fact that she didn’t seem to have a waistline.
“I’m Mrs. Muddle, dear. It’s so nice to meet you. I hear you’ve had quite the few weeks. I remember what it was like when my first child was born.”
Dani looked beyond her, to Eliot, who was leaning against his door frame, watching with more than a little satisfaction. She hated that he was seeing her this way, her greasy hair, her shirt spotted with breast milk and baby spit, mis-matched socks on her feet because she’d put them on in the dark and hadn’t been bothered to change them later in the day when she’d realized her mistake.
Mrs. Muddle—was that really her name?—pushed open Dani’s door and disappeared inside. Mr. Bowman was already at his own door, and a second later was gone, too.
“That was diabolical. Tricking me with dear, old Mr. Bowman that way.”
“Couldn’t think of another way of getting you to open your door.”
She couldn’t believe the way Eliot was looking at her, with so much warmth and concern. Was he really not disgusted at the sight of her? “I know I look awful. I’ve been afraid to take a shower in case the baby started crying and I couldn’t hear her.”
“You should have called me.”
She glanced away. She knew he would have helped, if she’d asked him to. But she’d thought if she could look after the baby by herself she’d be able to prove that Adrian was wrong, that she hadn’t made a mistake, that she was going to be a good mother, after all.
But she’d failed.
“I hired Mrs. Muddle from an agency. You have her services for two weeks.”
“I—” How could she tell him she didn’t want any help, when it was so obvious she needed it. “How did you find her?”
“Paige contacted one of the top nanny agencies in town and then personally checked her references. She’s top-notch, I promise. Just give her a chance, okay?”
Dani sighed. Again, she couldn’t see how she could say no.
“She’s already been paid to stay until six tonight. If you’re not happy, I’ll tell her not to bother coming back tomorrow.”
“All right. Thank you.”
She stepped back inside but before she could shut the door, Eliot said, “Oh. One more thing.”
Feeling trepidatious, she waited, eyebrows arched expectantly.
“I’ve got someone I want you to meet tonight. You can expect us at seven.”
*
“Mrs. Muddle?” Dani couldn’t see any sign of the nanny Eliot had hired in her living area or the adjoining kitchen. Hearing the sound of the washing machine, she checked the laundry room across the hall from the half bath. The washer was going, but no sign of the nanny.
Dani glanced into her study, then the nursery, and finally found Mrs. Muddle in the master bedroom, pulling the sheets and pillowcases from her bed. In her portable crib by the window, the baby was peacefully sleeping.
“I do light-housekeeping as well as child care duties. I put in the load of whites I found in your hamper. I’ll do these sheets and then the towels. If you want to take a shower, I’ll listen for the wee one. She’s sound asleep; I’m sure you can take your time.”
Overwhelmed at having her life so invaded by a stranger, Dani was speechless for a long moment. But what the heck. Her references had been checked, and Dani had a lot of faith in both Eliot and his assistant.
“You’ll call me if she wakes up?”
“Right away. I promise.”
“Well, a shower sure would feel great.”
After ten glorious minutes under her ceiling mounted rainfall showerhead, during which time she lathered her hair twice and shaved her armpits, Dani turned off the water, then stuck her head out of the shower. Hearing silence, she decided to turn the water back on for another glorious five minutes.
Wrapped in a towel she went to check on the baby, only to find that the nanny had moved the portable crib to the kitchen—“So I can keep my eyes on her while I tidy up a bit.”
Dani eyed her kitchen in amazement. So far Mrs. Muddle’s “tidy up a bit” involved loading and starting the dishwasher, washing down all the counters and scouring the sink.
“Wow. The place looks a lot better all ready.”
“I love a good challenge, dear. Now you go get dressed and dry your hair. I’ll let you know as soon as I hear a peep.”
Dani wasn’t yet into her regular clothes, but she managed to get into the jeans she’d bought with Miriam when she’d first found out she was pregnant. The reminder of a friend who’d once been such a big part of her life made her sad. Miriam still hadn’t responded to the email announcing her baby’s birth. It seemed Miriam was cutting her and Eliot out of her life for good.
After drying her hair, Dani decided it would be good for her morale to put on some mascara and lip gloss. It was a relief to see her old self staring back from the mirror when she was done.
And then, with perfect timing, the baby let out a squawk. A sound Dani was learning to interpret that meant she was waking up and would soon demand to be fed. She hurried to the kitchen only to find that Mrs. Muddle had beaten her to the portable crib.
She assumed Eliot had warned her about the Down Syndrome, but she was still anxious to see how the nanny would react. In the past few weeks, her baby’s face had filled out a little and now Dani could see even more that she had the classic flatter face, as well as the slan
ted eyes of a Down baby. Would Mrs. Muddle see her as less cute or loveable than a regular baby?
But if she did, she showed no signs of it.
“Come here you little sweet pea.” Mrs. Muddle lifted her gently, then cuddled the baby to her chest. “Nothing like the smell of a newborn baby.” She started a rocking motion, the cleaning of the kitchen suddenly not even the slightest of concerns.
Dani watched, bemused, and a little bereft, that a stranger could provide the comfort she’d assumed only she, the mother, could offer. Then, seeing that her baby was perfectly happy and that Mrs. Muddle seemed to be enjoying her chance to hold the baby, she decided to go to her office and do a quick check of e-mails.
Twenty minutes later, Mrs. Muddle came to the doorway. “I believe sweet pea would like to eat now.”
Dani went to sit in the rocking chair in the nursery to breastfeed her baby. When she was finished, Dani gave her a sponge bath and changed her into a clean sleeper for the night. Miraculously, the bureau had been restocked with clean onesies and sleepers Mrs. Muddle must have already run through the drier and then folded.
By the time she’d settled the baby in her portable crib again, Mrs. Muddle had a cheese and herb omelette, toast and tea waiting for her.
“I hope you don’t mind, dear, but I phoned in a grocery list. You’re shockingly low on provisions. They’ll be delivered tomorrow at nine.”
“You are amazing. Absolutely amazing.” Gone was every last one of Dani’s reservations about hiring a nanny. She hadn’t realized until that minute how starving she felt.
“Just doing my job. And I must say, it’s been very satisfying. What a sweet daughter you have.”
“Thank you.”
Mrs. Muddle nodded. “It’s a bit past six, so I’ll be leaving now. I’ll be here tomorrow before the groceries arrive. Don’t worry if you have a rough night. You’ll be able to have a nice long nap tomorrow now that you’ve seen I know a thing or two about babies. I did have four of my own.” Mrs. Muddle winked, then briskly went on her way.
*
Until she heard the knock at her door, Dani had forgotten Eliot’s promise to visit—and bring guests—at seven o’clock. Thanks to Mrs. Muddle she felt almost her old self again. But the prospect of visitors made her want to hide her head under the covers again.
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