Moonlight shines through the bedroom window. Kyle’s bedroom window. And I see the silhouette of my daughter sleeping on the bed next to me. I must have fallen asleep after the excitement of seeing Caden.
I hear voices beyond the bedroom door. He must still be here. The clock tells me it’s just after midnight.
My head falls back on the pillow when I remember the dream that woke me. The nightmare. Seeing my brother brought it all back as if it had happened yesterday. I squeeze my eyes tightly closed as if that will somehow ward off the bad memories.
It doesn’t.
Nothing can.
And I find myself reliving it all over again.
“Is it that fucking hard to iron out all the goddamn wrinkles, Alexa?” Grant yells. “A fucking five-year-old could have done a better job.” He looks at his watch. “Shit, we don’t have time now.”
He rifles through my dresses and pulls out the shortest, tightest, most revealing one. I haven’t worn it in years. He thrusts it out to me. “This one.”
“Grant, no,” I beg. “It’s too tight. Too revealing.”
He laughs. “Maybe you should lose some fucking weight then. You’ll wear it. My wife is going to be the hottest one at the Policeman’s ball.”
“Please,” I say, hanging it back on the rack and pulling out the green one instead. “This one is more appropriate.”
He rips the green dress—my favorite dress—out of my hands. Literally rips it out, tearing the bodice so that it’s unwearable. He throws it down on the floor and pins me against the wall with his hand to my throat.
“Maybe we need to go over the rules again,” he says.
That was the day my fate was sealed. That was the day I knew I couldn’t leave him. I’d had it all planned out. I had been stashing money away for months. I’d sewn it into the lining of my purse, along with some random pieces of jewelry he’d given me over the years. Jewelry that a narcotics officer from a blue-collar family shouldn’t be able to afford. Jewelry that, after presented to me, it was expected I’d give something in return.
But that night, I fought back. I was done with his rules. I broke away from him and grabbed a suitcase, throwing my things into it as I screamed at him that I wasn’t going to take it anymore.
It was a mistake. I should have known better. I should have played the good little housewife that night and then left quietly when he was at work the next day.
As it turns out, we never made it to the ball. Instead, I ended up in the hospital with a fractured rib. And a broken will.
I should have kept my mouth shut. I told him I would go live with Caden. I reminded him that Caden was doing well in minor league ball and would soon be called up to the majors. He’d be able to easily afford to take care of me. I told him I didn’t need him anymore.
That’s when Grant told me what he would do if I ever left him and ran to Caden. He said he would break his arms. Break his legs. Make it so he’d never be able to play ball again. He said he knew people that would do it for him no questions asked. It would be as easy as making a phone call.
I knew he wasn’t bluffing. I’d seen some of the people he associated with. Cops mostly, but working in narcotics, he was around criminals. Gangs. Probably even mafia.
So I stayed. I stayed to protect my little brother. I stayed because without going to Caden, I had nowhere else to go, Grant made sure of that. He made sure our only friends were his friends. He even made sure I never got a job—sabotaging any interview I’d ever gotten by making sure I couldn’t show up because he knew I wouldn’t—not with a black eye.
I stayed until one day, I threw up for no reason. Then I peed on a stick and the stick turned pink, and I knew I had someone else to protect. Then I picked up my purse and walked out the door on my life.
The bedroom door cracks open and a sliver of light shines through, illuminating more of the room as Kyle peeks his head in to see me sitting up.
“You’re awake,” he says. “Do you need anything?”
“No,” I whisper, looking down at Ellie. I’m not sure why I tend to do that. A freight train couldn’t wake her up. It looks like she’s down for the night. “Is Caden still here? I heard voices.”
“Just left,” he says. “He’s coming back after his practice tomorrow.”
I get up off the bed and put my pillow alongside Ellie, just as someone had on the other side of her so she wouldn’t fall off the bed. I walk out to the living room with Kyle, leaving the door cracked so I can hear if Ellie wakes.
“What do you mean he’s coming back?” I ask.
“I want you to stay here, Eliz—uh, Lexi. This building is secure . . .”
He stops talking and studies me.
“What?” I ask.
“This building is secure,” he says again. “How did you get up to my door without being announced?”
I sigh. “I’ve gotten very good at being invisible.”
He looks at me sadly. “I’m so sorry,” he says.
He heard it all. Well, not all of it. But he heard enough. When Caden came to the door, I knew the jig was up. I told them how Grant threatened Caden and how he hurt me.
Kyle had to physically restrain Caden from leaving to go kill Grant. He even told us that when he left Kyle’s place earlier today, after finding out about me, he was plotting to get even. So, it’s a good thing I chose today to make an appearance. I can’t imagine what trouble Caden might have gotten into, getting tangled up with Grant and his cronies.
It took some convincing, but Kyle and I were able to reason with him. Grant is a cop. One with lots of connections. And right now, he doesn’t believe Caden had any hand in my disappearance. I begged him to keep it that way.
Caden told me that when I first disappeared, Grant came to him, asking lots of questions and acting strangely. There was a police investigation, of course, but that quickly became a cold case.
When I left, I walked out the door with nothing but my purse and a few changes of clothing that Grant wouldn't notice had gone missing.
I walked three miles to the shopping district, took a cab to a sleazy hotel where I cut and colored my hair, and then I made my way to New York on buses.
New York. Where I’d be close to Caden.
Kyle’s words about Grant being in town a few days ago flash through my head. My hand flies to my mouth to cover a gasp as the sudden realization hits me like a ton of bricks. “Oh, my God! What have I done? Caden is the one in danger now,” I cry. “If Grant finds out he’s helping me—”
“Lexi, he won’t find out. That’s why you can’t stay with Caden. Who knows if Grant is having him watched.”
“I’ve put him at risk,” I say, berating myself for my stupidity.
“Caden’s a big guy. He can take care of himself. He’s smart. He’ll take precautions. He’s coming back tomorrow so we can get your stuff and move it here.”
“You want me to move here? I thought you meant you just wanted me to stay here for the night.” My heart beats faster as I imagine being here with him. In his apartment. On his couch. In his bed. But then I think better of it. “I can’t move here, Kyle. I’ve built a life for myself. It may not be much to someone like you, but it’s nice. And I was starting to feel safe. Like maybe everything else was in the past.”
“You can move here,” he says, giving me a no-nonsense look that says he’s used to taking charge. “You have to. Has it not sunk in yet that Grant was looking for you a few days ago? He’s here, Lexi. In New York. You are anything but safe.”
“All the more reason for me not to stay here,” I say. “I have a place outside the city, about an hour from here.”
“No. We can’t protect you there. He tracked you here. To my hospital. Who knows how long it would take for him to track you to your new place. Caden and I agree that it’s best for you to stay here, with me. You and Ellie can stay in the second bedroom. It’s not set up like a nursery anymore, but we’ll make do.”
“What do you mean, anymore
?”
“The day you left the hospital, Gavin and I moved everything from his garage into my spare bedroom. He gave me a crib, a changing table . . . everything.”
I look at him with wide, undeserving eyes. “You did all that for me?”
“Why wouldn’t I, Lexi? I wanted you. I wanted Ellie. And you just left. I know it wasn’t because Grant found you, so tell me, why did you leave without so much as a word?”
His intense gaze is fierce. It’s demanding. It’s begging for the truth. The truth I was unwilling to reveal until now. But that’s why I came here, isn’t it? To tell him the truth. To get him back—that is if I ever really had him.
“When I found out you had paid for my hospital stay, everything changed. I know how much that must have cost. I knew I’d always be indebted to you. It felt like him all over again.”
He pinches the bridge of his nose, sighing in frustration. “I would never expect anything in return. I didn’t even want you to find out about it. And, God, I would never lay a hand on you. On any woman.”
I nod, finding it hard to keep tears from pooling in my eyes. “I know. I think I always knew. I panicked, Kyle. But these past months, I’ve had a lot of time to think about things. And I had to come back. I had to find out.”
“Had to find out what?” he asks.
“If . . . if . . .” I look into his eyes and then down at the floor.
He scrubs a hand across his jaw and shakes his head. “Lexi, it’s been a long time. And you weren’t the only one who had time to think. Before I met you, I was one-hundred-percent focused on my career. I didn’t have time for relationships. It was hard enough to find time to keep up with my brothers. I can’t do that again. Relationships cloud judgment. They take away from what’s most important to me. I have to put my career first. I’m sorry.”
I swallow the colossal-sized lump in my throat, biting back the tears that threaten to fall. “It’s okay,” I say, walking to the massive wall of windows to gaze out onto the city below.
It’s not okay. I love you. I’ve loved you ever since you made me play that stupid Jell-O game.
“Lexi,” he says, his reflection looking guilty as he comes up behind me.
He holds his arm out as if he’s going to touch me, but at the last second, he pulls back. He squeezes his eyes shut and mouths a cuss word. He runs his hands through his hair again. He does that when he’s frustrated. He looks up at the ceiling and blows out a long breath. He’s completely unaware that I’m seeing all of this. He thinks I’m looking out the window when I’m really looking at him. His reflection. And I can see it as clear as day. And it tells me the opposite of what his words did. It tells me that he’s not over me, that maybe I still have a chance.
Instead of touching me, he stands next to me. “I still want you to stay here. Until we can figure this Grant thing out. We’ll meet with Ethan, he’s a private investigator. He can tell us what to do.”
I shake my head. “No. I don’t want anyone contacting Grant. I’m not putting Ellie at risk.”
“But—”
“Nobody is contacting him, Kyle. Or I’m getting Ellie and we’re walking out that door.”
“Fine,” he says, frustration spilling out of him in a fiery sigh. Then he puts his hands on my shoulders and turns me so we’re facing each other. “If that’s what it takes to get you to stay.”
I want to smile. I want to smile, because even though he doesn’t want me, he’s willing to do anything to have me here.
And I’m going to stay, because I’m willing to do anything to get him back.
Chapter Thirty-eight
Sunlight shines through my eyelids, causing me to wake from one of the best sleeps I’ve had in a long time. I almost forgot where I was. But even before I open my eyes, the smell reminds me. I’m in Kyle’s apartment. In Kyle’s bed.
He insisted on taking the futon in his guest room. He didn’t want to disturb Ellie.
I reach out my arm to find my daughter, but all I run into are pillows. My heart races as I quickly crawl to the side of the bed to see if she’s fallen off. But the floor is empty. I hop out of bed and go out in the living room, stopping in my tracks when I see Kyle holding Ellie.
He’s sitting on the couch, his back to me. He’s singing that song, ‘This is the way the ladies ride . . .’ as he bounces her on his knee.
And I know he must be making funny faces as he sings, because Ellie is laughing.
She’s laughing. At him. A stranger.
I’m mesmerized watching him interact with her. He doesn’t have kids, yet he’s a natural. So calm and confident. I guess it comes from being a doctor.
I quietly walk around the back of the couch, over to the kitchen where I grab a bottle of water from his refrigerator. Kyle hears me open it.
“I hope you don’t mind,” he says. “I heard her wake up, but you were dead asleep. I wanted to give you a few more minutes of shut-eye. I know yesterday was a big day for you, seeing Caden and all.”
“It’s fine,” I say, admiring the way he’s holding Ellie. “She seems taken with you.”
He shrugs. “I have that effect on all the ladies.”
I roll my eyes. “But at least you’re humble about it.”
He laughs and then turns back to Ellie, who is playing with the buttons on his shirt. “Case in point,” he says. “She doesn’t even care that you are over there talking to me.”
I come out from behind the kitchen counter and Kyle’s jaw drops. He rakes his eyes slowly up my body, starting at my bare feet and ending with what is most definitely a bad case of bed head.
I look down at myself, realizing that in my haste to get to Ellie, I forgot pants. The t-shirt Kyle gave me to sleep in covers my undies and hits me mid-thigh, revealing a lot of leg. Nothing he hasn’t seen before, but still, the way he’s looking at me—he’s a starving man and I’m filet mignon.
It makes me wonder what he’s been doing all these months. He says he’s focusing on his career. But he’s a man. A man in his twenties. A gorgeous man. Men like that aren’t celibate.
Ellie starts to squirm around in his lap. She throws her head back and cries. She’s hungry.
“I think she must want breakfast,” he says. “Are you hungry, Ellie? Do you want Mommy to feed you?”
She keeps crying.
I walk around the sofa and tell him, “Put your thumb opposite your fingers and open and close your fist, like you’re milking a cow.” I demonstrate how to do it. “Like this.”
He looks at me in confusion.
“It’s the sign for milk,” I say.
He looks down at Ellie, studying her. I expect him to look sad, take pity on her perhaps. But he doesn’t. He looks surprised, yes, but he doesn’t look at her like she’s any less of a person. “She’s deaf?” he asks me.
“Yes.”
He uses his hand to sign to her as I instructed, and Ellie immediately calms down. Then I walk over so she can see me and she raises up her arms to me.
I sit on the other end of his couch, pulling a blanket over me so I don’t reveal too much when I lift my shirt to nurse her.
“I had no idea, Lexi.”
“I know you didn’t. I left the hospital before they did her hearing test. I promised them I would have my pediatrician do it.”
“And what did her pediatrician say?”
“That she is profoundly deaf.”
“Did he talk to you about cochlear implants?”
I nod. “Yes. But I’m choosing not to go that way. I know most people wouldn’t understand my reasons, least of all doctors who want to fix everything. But, Kyle, she doesn’t need to be fixed. She’s perfect just the way she is and I won’t have anyone telling her she’s not.”
He holds up his hands in surrender. “I would never try to talk you into something you didn’t want, Lexi. As her mother, you know what’s best for her. And I happen to agree with you. In med school, I wrote a research paper on this very subject. Children who are profound
ly deaf have no concept of sound. They are visual learners. Having an implant might actually confuse their senses and delay learning.”
I look up at him, floored by his understanding. His unconditional acceptance of her.
“That’s part of why I didn’t want to do it,” I say. “So many people look at deaf people as if they aren’t normal. They try to make them fit into the hearing world. I didn’t want that for her. Being deaf is normal for her.”
“I applaud you for handling it so well,” he says.
I laugh. “You didn’t see me six months ago when I found out.” I look down at my nursing daughter and remember the day I got the devastating news. “I was a wreck, Kyle. I thought I was being punished somehow. That Ellie was deaf because of something I did. Maybe I took an Aspirin early in my pregnancy. Maybe I didn’t eat enough vegetables.”
“There is nothing you did to cause this, Lexi.”
“I know that now. I’ve done a lot of reading on the subject. I could probably write my own research paper.”
“I don’t doubt it,” Kyle says. “I know how smart you are. Literature and education. Double major. Impressive.”
I furrow my brow wondering if I’d ever told him that. I was so careful not to reveal any personal details.
“My brother is a private investigator,” he reminds me. “Once I knew your real name, he dug up whatever he could find on you. Grant, too.”
I gaze down at Ellie, feeling sorry for her not because she’s deaf, but because she got dealt the shitty hand of having the world’s worst father.
“Did you find anything on him?” I ask, wondering what Grant has been up to since I left.
“We found plenty,” he says, shaking his head in disgust. “I’m surprised he’s still working in law enforcement with how dirty he is. You were right to do what you did, Lex. You were right to leave him and protect Ellie.”
I smile because he called me Lex. He’s giving me a nickname for my nickname. He wouldn’t do that if he didn’t like me. The way he looked at me wearing his t-shirt. The way he was playing with Ellie.
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