by Ron Jeremy
I reach into the old plastic grocery bag that passes for my luggage and pull out my trusty binder. If there’s any hope of figuring out where I’m flying today, the answers will be there. I flip through the yellowing pages until I find today’s date.
Ah yes, I’m going to Florida to see Juniper.
I gave up on trying to convince her to stay. If she needed to get out of L.A. to be happy, I wasn’t going to stand in her way. But in the weeks after she left, we still talked almost every day, spending hours on the phone like two teenagers. Sometimes we had nothing of any importance to say, we just needed to hear each other’s voice. Other than the fact that we no longer lived in the same town, it was like nothing had changed between us.
A tinny voice over the airport PA system announces that my flight is boarding. I gather together my bags and head toward the gate. I feel naked, like I’m forgetting something. And I probably have, as I’ve packed unusually light for this trip. Juniper had only one request of me. She wanted me to come to Florida without any of the accessories that I cart around with me everywhere. No scripts, no magazine clippings in which I’m quoted, no souvenir T-shirts to sell to fans, not even a Polaroid camera for photos. She just wanted me, unencumbered by the weight of my incessant ambition.
We weren’t going to discuss weighty matters like “us” or “how can we make this work?” We were just going to forget about it all and act, well, for lack of a better word, like a “normal” couple. A couple of best friends.
I can be in Florida only for the weekend. After that, I have to be back in L.A. to shoot a scene for Domino, Mickey Rourke’s next film. And then I’ll be attending the premiere of The Aristocrats. I was sliced out of the final cut, but I’m given an “extra special thanks” in the closing credits, and I’ll be included in the DVD release. And then I’ll be starring in a new porno flick called Very, Very Bad Santa for Metro Interactive, promoting my line of Ron Jeremy rolling papers and my new line of toys for Pipedream Productions, meeting with Adam Rifkin to discuss his new movie, and—
What, you really didn’t think I was just going to forget about work completely, did you?
I’d give it all up for one more erection.
—Grocho Marx
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
In lieu of thanking those people who helped me with this book (we’ll get to that in a few pages), I’d like to take this opportunity to share something with you that I find important.
The fight against world hunger. Don’t laugh, I’m being serious.
The idea hit me while I was on the television show in England called The Farm. Now hear me out. I know that you probably didn’t pick up this book expecting to read about my humanitarian efforts. You wanted tales of porn and Hollywood gossip. And I hope that I gave you just that. But if there’s a chance that I can also use this book to make a difference, well, what sort of guy would I be if I didn’t try?
Below is a sample of a letter that I sent to the representatives of various celebrities who had publicly expressed interest in this subject. I’m not aware of their interest in my idea, but a few of their agents and managers have been very encouraging and enthusiastic. It’s my hope that by reprinting this letter in my book, it will get to people whom I couldn’t reach, and go places where I couldn’t go. If you want to take part, I encourage you to contact your congressperson and tell him or her about this idea.
TO: Ben Cosgrove
Kristin/Plan B
Brad Pitt
This proposal is my small contribution in the ongoing fight against world hunger. In addition to you, I have also brought this concept to the attention of Paul McGuinness, Bono, Oprah Winfrey, and Bob Geldof, among others.
I lived on a farm as part of a British television show called The Farm. (Many celebrities, high ratings.) I learned a disturbing fact. A tremendous amount of meat is wasted. If a cow, pig, or lamb, etc., doesn’t meet the high-quality standards and perfect meat consistency to compete in the world market, the humane farm will let the animal graze until death. Some factory farms will just kill them even though this meat would achieve FDA standards. They are just too old or not good enough to compete with farms in Morocco, the U.K., Australia, etc. As the farmers told me, the profit margins are so slim and the competition so fierce, it does not pay to house, clean, or even feed them. (Almost all farms compete for the top-paying buyers; anything else is not worth it.)
So basically, this meat isn’t good enough for Spago’s in Beverly Hills, but it certainly is good enough for third-world countries. (This is the meat that is often used for stews, hot dogs, and hamburgers.)
Just to give examples: There are many animals used for procreation (bulls for their semen, sows who produce piglets, ewes who produce lambs, etc.). Their offspring are eaten in a year or two. When the parents are no longer valuable to produce offspring, dairy cows that no longer can produce milk, or even certain calves that have too much fat and not enough muscles, all these animals are to graze and die. Some of them have a massive build.
The farmer and I approximated 800 to 1,000 mouths could be fed per animal. At least 1,000 animals are wasted each day in the world pool. That could be 1 million mouths fed per day.
The farmer I spoke to in England and a few in the United States and Australia all agreed that if the governments would give them a tax deduction per animal, it would then behoove them to deliver these animals to the docks for delivery to the third-world countries. I’m assuming the receiving countries would cover the shipping. The money raised per various charities could be used to build humane slaughterhouses, and the Africans could be trained to operate them. Or if this is too impractical, the animals could be slaughtered first and then the preserved meat sent over.
This is a win-win situation because our governments wouldn’t be paying, just offering tax incentives. The farmers, being private businessmen, can always benefit from a tax write-off. (Some of this goes on already in other farming areas.)
HIV medication is a perfect example. Africans couldn’t afford it. Various governments offered tax incentives. Drug companies lowered the prices. Africans received their medications. This could work for the animals that are basically being discarded.
If this process has started and others have thought of this, I applaud that. I’m not in this for any kind of publicity or attention. If it hasn’t, someone of Brad Pitt’s clout could ask some of the political powers that be to offer these tax incentives to meat farmers. It could start in one country and blossom.
I’m sure you’re aware that money raised and awareness go only so far. (A good portion of money goes toward clerical fees, administration, commercial spots, etc.) This idea specifically feeds the people.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely, Ron Jeremy
SPECIAL THANKS
This book wouldn’t have been possible without my friends and family. So I’d like to send a big thank-you to Mickey, Adam, Ben, John, Roger, Troy, Greg, Gary, Dennis, Al, Mark, Bobby, Venice, Natalie, Phoebe, Ken, Lois, bro Larry, sis Susie, Allen, Moss Krivin, Metro Interactive, Stu, Josh, Eric, Mauro, Joelle, and especially anyone I forgot.
Appendix A:
RON JEREMY FUN FACTS
BIRTHDAY: March 12, 1953
REAL NAME: Ron Jeremy Hyatt
NICKNAMES: The Hedgehog, The Manatee, The Chupacabra
DIRECTING PORN ALIASES: Ron Hedge, Nicholas Pera, Hiramus Smurkin, Ron Prestissimo, Lolita Brooklyn, Bill Blackman, Lululatush
NUMBER OF SEX PARTNERS: more than 4,000
NUMBER OF PORN FILMS: At least 1,750 (a world record)
NUMBER OF PORN FILMS IN WHICH RON HAD SEX WITH A SYNTHETIC DUMMY: 1 (Real Doll: The Movie)
NUMBER OF PORN FILMS FOR WHICH RON HAS SHAVED HIS MUSTACHE: 2
NUMBER OF PORN FILMS FOR WHICH RON HAS SHAVED HIS BACK: 1,500
YEAR IN WHICH RON BECAME THE FIRST MALE PORN STAR TO TRIM HIS PUBIC HAIR (to exaggerate his penis size): 1980
AGE AT WHICH RON BEGAN TAKING PIANO LESSONS: 8
; AGE AT WHICH RON PLAYED THE PIANO WITH A PENIS MASK ON HIS HEAD IN THE MOVIE RULES OF ATTRACTION: 49
RON’S PENIS SIZE: 9¾ inches
AVERAGE PENIS SIZE OF A HEDGEHOG: 9 centimeters
AMOUNT RON WAS OFFERED BY DIRECTOR ADAM RIFKIN TO PUT HIS PENIS IN BARBARA WALTERS’S SHOULDER ON THE VIEW: $25,000
AGE OF RON’S YOUNGEST SEX PARTNER: 17 (Traci Lords, in Sex Fifth Avenue. She had fake ID and looked 21.)
AGE OF RON’S OLDEST SEX PARTNER: 87 (Rosie, in 87 and Still Bangin’)
WEIGHT OF RON’S FATTEST SEX PARTNER: 300 pounds (Sindee, in Fatliners)
NUMBER OF RON’S PORNO FILMS WITH THE WORD FAT IN THE TITLE: 8
RON’S RANKING IN ADULT VIDEO NEWS TOP 50 PORN STARS OF ALL TIME: 1
COMICS WHO HAVE IMPERSONATED RON ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE: 2 (Jon Lovitz and Horatio Sanz)
YEAR IN WHICH RON PUBLICLY ANNOUNCED THAT HE WOULD NO LONGER PERFORM IN PORN FILMS ON YOM KIPPUR: 2001
AGE AT WHICH RON RECEIVED AN ADULT FILM LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD: 50
AVERAGE AGE AT WHICH MOST PORN STARS RETIRE: 36
NUMBER OF FAKE OBITUARIES FOR RON IN SCREW: 1
Appendix B:
KING OF DVDS
(or, “If I’m a Cheesy Actor, Who Cut the Cheese?”)
I’ve appeared in dozens of mainstream films, but I’ve also been sliced out of a few. Here’s a partial list of my movie roles that never made it into the final cut (and many of these aren’t listed on IMDB).
RONIN I was cut from the film, but I did receive a screen credit, as Ron Hiatt, which they obviously spelled wrong.
REINDEER GAMES Although my scene never appeared in the movie, I also received a screen credit for this one, as Ron Hyatt, spelled correctly this time…
PATH TO WAR John Frankenheimer hired me to do narration for this film about Vietnam and President Lyndon B. Johnson, but I was cut after John passed away. John loved my reading, and his only correction was my pronunciation of “Vietnam.” John had every intention of giving me a small role (as the German soldier, possibly) in his new film Exorcist: The Prequel. He even called me while scouting locations overseas. Again, his untimely passing ended all that. And I still have the original script, which changed when the new directors took over.
CONFIDENCE In this 2003 film starring Dustin Hoffman, I played the nonspeaking role of a bar owner. I was cut and didn’t receive a screen credit, but you do see me clearly in the deleted scenes of the DVD, with Dustin Hoffman.
PAULY SHORE IS DEAD I played a patient in a mental hospital. I was cut from the theatrical release, but my scene is in the DVD’s deleted scenes. (Britney Spears and rapper Eminem introduce the deleted scenes.)
ARISTOCRATS I did a poem that’s included on the DVD. I’m also given a special thanks in the movie credits.
DOMINO I had a nice part that was cut from this Mickey Rourke feature. I’m given a special thanks in the credits, and I was supposed to be included in the DVD’s deleted scenes. Last I heard, I “might” be in a special-edition release of the DVD.
BOOGIE NIGHTS and 9½ WEEKS I have a consulting credit on both of these films, but my scenes—as you already know—were cut.
ODD JOBS This was a TV pilot for NBC, produced by Aaron Spelling and Roger Avary and directed by Peter O’Fallon. I would’ve played the sleazy bathroom guy, who was supposed to be a recurring character, but the pilot wasn’t accepted by NBC.
I’M WITH THE BAND I had a major role in this Alanis Morissette TV pilot before Comedy Central pulled the plug.
RED LINE I got a screen credit and you see me on-screen, but my additional scenes were cut. This movie was memorable for me because I got to meet Michael Madsen. He’s a very hospitable guy, and I was at his oceanfront home, on a July Fourth barbecue a few years ago. He published a book of poetry, and when I visited him at a book signing, I asked him, “Do I want to see Shakespeare shoot somebody? Do I want to see Edgar Allan Poe pistol-whip someone? No, of course not. So why would I want to read Michael Madsen’s poetry?” Michael gave me a dirty look, but he knew I was kidding. “Okay, I’ll buy it,” I said. “But I want you to sign something that’s from the heart.” He took my copy of the book and wrote: “Ron Jeremy, go fuck yourself.” Very funny. “Okay,” I said. “That’s from the heart.”
About the Authors
RON JEREMY is an internationally acclaimed actor, stand-up comedian, classically trained pianist, accredited special education teacher, and renowned college lecturer. In his spare time, he’s also starred in roughly two thousand adult films, including award-winning performances in Suzie Superstar and All the Way In! He lives in California.
ERIC SPITZNAGEL writes for such magazines as Playboy and The Believer. He lives in California.
Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.
Credits
Jacket design by Paul Brown
Front jacket photograph © by Steve Evans/Getty Images
Copyright
DISCLAIMER
A lot of what you’re going to read here involves far-out stories with celebrities from all walks of life. Some of it may seem wild and bizarre, but believe it or not, it all happened. I don’t lie. So fasten your seat belts, sit back, and enjoy the ride. Unless otherwise credited, all photographs courtesy of the author.
Title page photograph courtesy of Collectors/Gourmet Video.
RON JEREMY. Copyright © 2007 by Ron Jeremy. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
Mobipocket Reader January 2007 ISBN 978-0-06-114743-2
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for.
ISBN-13: 978-0-06-084082-2
ISBN-10: 0-06-084082-X
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* To be fair, however, I have seen VigRx and ExtenZe work for actors I’ve directed, and I’ve endorsed these pills on TV. I Just hope I never need them.
* Months later, the condom-only policy was no longer in effect.
* That line probably comes from Milton “Mr. TV” Berle, also known for having a big one. I’m happy to have met him before he passed away. I’ve also used another great line attributed to him. Whenever a guy wants to compare penis sizes, I’ll say, “I’ll just pull out enough to win.”
* George Tenet, the former head of the CIA and a close friend of George W. Bush, was also a student at Cardozo. We both played soccer, and while I didn’t know him that well, we said our hellos. Years later, my cousin (who works for the government) asked
me to Xerox a few pages of our yearbook to show his coworkers. It was implied that George Tenet himself wanted to see it because he’d lost his copy.
** This production also starred Reginald VelJohnson (another Cardozo student), who became a big Hollywood actor (Die Hard and Family Matters).
* I finished my thirty-two credits of graduate school to fulfill the master’s degree. I never got the actual certificate because I left for the West Coast. But I did get a permanent license to teach in New York State. I did my master’s thesis on psychodrama, using role-playing to help discipline children from acting out.
* Years later, Fred Durst asked me to introduce his band Limp Bizkit at Woodstock ’99. With almost a quarter-million people in the audience, it would be my biggest crowd yet. But just before I left for the show, I got a call that Mini-Me was going to introduce the band instead. I was heartbroken. When Dennis Hof heard about it, he had the girls from the Bunny Ranch call and tease me about it. “I can’t wait to fuck your brains out,” they’d say. “Oh wait, Mini-Me is here. I gotta go!” (click). I later met Mini-Me at a show in Hawaii and told him the story. He loved it and apologized for taking my place. And as a courtesy, he likes to be referred to by his real name, Verne Troyer.
* He also guessed that I was a Pisces (which I am).