by Ron Jeremy
* This was about six months before her sex tape was released.
** Being a true gentleman, I never confirmed or denied this story when it was reported in the New York Post. Later, at a party in Las Vegas, I overheard Paris loudly exclaiming to Limp Bizkit singer Fred Durst that she had seen my penis. So now I feel comfortable telling the story and confirming it.
* As you may remember, Long Dong Silver was a favorite of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. During his confirmation hearings in 1991, Anita Hill claimed that while working for Thomas, he asked her to watch porn videos and look at the male actors. “Which actors?” Ted Kennedy asked. Every other porn actor—myself included—on the planet ran to our TVs and screamed, “Say my name! Say my name!” Who wouldn’t want that kind of free publicity? I was crushed when she said Long Dong Silver.
* But c’mon, hedgehogs are kinda cute. And since I’ve started body shaving before all of my sex scenes, my similarities to a hedgehog aren’t quite so obvious….
* Howard Stern had me on his radio show for almost a half hour talking about that scene. I defended myself by saying, “Didn’t Anna Nicole Smith mess around with a guy in his nineties?” “Yeah, Ron,” Howard shot back. “But not on film!”
** Depending on which porn historian you talk to.
* By the way, for you math nuts out there, here’s a true fact: the square root of 69 is…8 something. Get it? Ate something?
* La Toya Jackson’s husband.
* Vince Neil of Mötley Crüe played a bartender in this scene.
* We did do interviews off set, however.
* Okay, so maybe I made that part up. But I did use legendary Motorhead frontman Lemmy to play a bum in the park who sees the flying penis land at his feet, then checks himself to make sure it’s not his, then runs off.
** Or at least I believe it was. My memory is fuzzy.
* We shot the film in a gorgeous mansion (owned by the heirs to the car air-bag inventors) that was also used for the movie Casino.
* In an amazing coincidental turn of events, about a year later, Mark met with Heidi’s father, Dr. Paul Fleiss, at the exact same meeting spot, for totally different reasons. They were planning their trips to Cabo San Lucas, along with other doctors, to administer health care to the poor. Mark was providing his private plane. The Mexican people called them “Doctors of Charity.”
* In spite of an offer, for lots of money, Bret requested that Mark and I never release it, so we didn’t. It’s a shame, because it was a good tape, and so far it has never been released.
* I gave them the name.
** Larry Flynt occasionally joined us for brunches, but he thought we were giving him a bad name by calling ourselves the “Slime Pack.”
*** I did help him get a job at the Rainbow Bar & Grill. And to his credit, he has had a few parts in mainstream films.
* He always eventually invited me back.
* For the record, I can say with complete honesty that no sperm or even much sweat was ever left in the studio area.
* Brett later admitted that we were smart not to include it, as it would’ve been impossible to get licensing permission from the record labels, ASCAP, and BMI.
* It was a mostly hollow threat. I never would have released the movie.
** It means a lot to me that Cabbie and Brett understand that I never ratted them out until this book. And now it doesn’t matter. To this very day, I’ll never reveal which staffer let us into the building. Many have asked, and I’ve never answered. In addition, Brett tried to sell the film to Jill Kelly’s company for distribution. It didn’t work out, but he himself thereby revealed the existence of the tape, so he kind of ratted himself out.
* I was amazed at how many shoes were left on the floor. When the gunfire went off, people actually jumped out of their shoes to try to get away.
** With the help of my roommate Bobby Gallagher, and the head of Skunk Records.
* The video was introduced on MTV’s Headbanger’s Ball, and it had a decent rotation. (I also played the judge in this video.)
* One of Alanis Morissette’s band members still uses my name.
* An orgasmic noise.
* According to Variety, that season of The Surreal Life was the highest rated show for that time slot in the WB’s ten-year history.
** Tammy Faye said prayers for Cherry. As she told me, “Turtles have souls, too, Ron.” Cherry has been healthy ever since.
*** Formerly owned by Glenn Campbell.
* Yeah, but I wasn’t hard, for gosh sakes!
* He would’ve had more, but some of the girls (including Sunset Thomas) had delayed flights due to the fires in the Burbank hills. It was just dumb luck that it happened on that day.
* In TV Guide’s “100 Most Unexpected TV Moments” (December 5, 2005), the friendship between Tammy and me on The Surreal Life was listed at number 83. Why did Tammy and I get along so well? According to the TV Guide writers, “Only God knows.”
** Rick James’s funeral provided for an interesting afternoon at Forest Lawn Cemetery. Stevie Wonder sang and Louis Farrakhan made a speech. Jamie Foxx invited some of Rick’s family and friends to his home afterward, where the two of us talked about Tom Cruise. I asked Jamie about Cruise’s infamous stare—you know, the one where he kind of stares at you for a second before answering a question—and Jamie said that whenever he noticed Tom doing it, he’d give him a hard stare right back and think to himself, “Right back atcha, Tom.” Jamie told me, “I’m a Baptist boy! I was practically raised in a church. I don’t quite get that stuff.”
* Jessica made the suggestion, as she was concerned about Tammy’s health. Jessica and I had met years earlier through Sam Kinison, and we’d been friendly ever since. She knew that I knew Tammy, and so I became the liaison to a historical event.
* They eventually discussed the possibilities of a face-to-face meeting on Rita Cosby’s Live & Direct TV Show for MSNBC. But plans are on hold until Tammy’s health improves. As of this writing, they haven’t done it yet, so, therefore, there’s a chance that the only communication between these two ever presented to the public will be in this book.
** I’m happy to report that Tammy has survived cancer for the third time. I guess she has connections upstairs after all.
* For a TV show in Australia.
** I always advise them to see a doctor, just to be totally sure.
* As our friendship solidified, Dennis invited me to be a guest (during a party scene) on his reality series Cathouse for HBO (or, as Dennis calls it, “HB-Ho”). The show is in its fourth season and has great ratings.
* Since Michael Lahey is a recovered porn addict, I never sign a boob in front of him, and he’s always appreciated that.
* I continue to tour the United States and Canada, either alone or with Mike, Sue, or recently with Craig Gross from Triple X Church. The colleges are always sold out. I’ve done Trinity College in Dublin, Ireland, and I’m in my twelfth year as a guest lecturer for Professor W. Garrett Capune’s criminology class at Cal State Fullerton. Even Bill O’Reilly has made a comment about my college appearances on his A.M. radio show.
* Taint: n., (tnt): The perineum—the area between the genitals and anus, male or female, although the term is said to originate from the saying “It ain’t pussy and t’aint ass…”
* This works for women, too.
* Some guys will think of another man’s hairy ass to keep from cuming too soon. I warn them that that’s dangerous, because if they cum anyway, it can change their entire way of life. As we learned from the scientific research of the Skinner Box or Pavlov’s dogs, what can happen now, is that every time they see a man’s behind, they’d go, “ugggh!” and not know why.
* Smart married men have told me that no matter how busy you get in your professional life, a relationship won’t work if you don’t devote time at least a few days every week to your lady when nobody else is around, whether it’s a dinner or a show or just one-on-one time.
** Comic
s like Chris Rock and Eddie Murphy had done hilarious routines about this, and they all admit it’s true.
* On the condition that it be given to a happy home and not used as snake food.
** He asked that I e-mail him a few photos of Fetus, which I did. He loved them and shared the pictures with his daughter.
* I received a totally different attitude when I told popular KLSX radio personality Tom Leykus. He said, “I don’t want to lose my best student. Come back to Professor Leykus 101.”
** At this point, Juniper and I were best friends and living near each other in Hollywood.
*** When I left the farm, the now-healthy baby lamb kissed me good-bye on the nose.
* We still have joint custody of Cherry the tortoise, although she lives with me now. Cherry, by the way, was part of the cast of the WB’s The Surreal Life. And you can see her in the film Pornstar Pets, produced by my friend Danny Vinik (who also produced Spun). She accompanied me during the photo shoot for my poster for PETA (one of my favorite organizations). You can also check her out at Peta.org or Helpinganimals.com. If Juniper and I play our cards right, Cherry can live up to one hundred sixty years! (She’s about sixteen years old now.) As for Fetus, she’s smiling down from rodent heaven with her two good eyes.
Table of Contents
Epigraph
Prologue
Part One
1. Portrait of a Hedgehog as a Young Man
Photographic Insert I
2. Catskills-a-Go-Go
3. Lions and Tigresses and Bears, Oh My!
4. A Star Is Porn
5. The Human Ouroboros
6. Swinging in the Rain
Part Two
7. Days of Porn and Roses
8. Of Vice and Men
9. How to Talk Dirty and Make People Laugh
10. I Fought the Law (and the Law Lost!)
11. Hollywood Nights
12. The Ambassador of Porn (or, a Midsummer Boogie Night’s Dream)
Photographic Insert II
Part Three
13. Goin’ Mainstream
14. It’s Good to Be the King
15. Dude, Where’s Your Penis? (or, “John Wayne Bobbitt, Superstar”)
16. Vertical Reality
17. The Ron Jeremy Show, Starring Ron Jeremy
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
Special Thanks
Appendix A: Ron Jeremy Fun Facts
Appendix B: King of DVDs
About the Authors
Credits
Cover
Copyright
About the Publisher