by Lynda Aicher
Love.
That was what this was.
She could deny or run from it all she wanted, but the reality was lying beneath her. He wouldn’t be here if he didn’t feel the same. She’d shoved him away just like she did with everyone who got too close, yet he was still here. No questions. No demands.
Here for her.
Everything she’d asked for, he’d heard and answered so perfectly.
“Thank you.” The words sounded too loud in the room, even though she’d whispered them. She needed to say them though. Just like she needed to voice everything she’d said silently.
He rubbed her arm, kissed her crown and held her tight. “I’ll always be here for you.”
She pressed her nose into his chest and waited for the wave of threatening tears to pass. How did I get so lucky? She wasn’t used to good things like this—Holden—coming to her so easily. Everything she’d achieved in life, she’d worked hard for. But this seemed too easy, too comfortable.
Was that why she’d fought against it so hard? That, coupled with all the disappointments handed to her by men in her past? In her infantile quest to keep from getting hurt, she’d created a life surrounded by people she was too scared to let in.
“Even though I can be a bitch?” she finally asked when she could speak again.
His soft chuckle rumbled deep in his chest and feathered over her hair. “Yeah. Even then.”
Darkness had claimed the room by then and ironically, she found safety within it. In Holden’s arms she was always safe. It’d taken her a while to accept that. Thankfully he’d waited for her.
“Don’t you know by now?” he asked, fingers lacing into her hair to tug her head back until he could meet her eyes. Even in the dark, she could see the love there. “I’m yours. In every way. Beyond the playroom. Beyond the spankings and bondage and play—I belong to you.” He trailed his fingers down her cheek, the touch tender and clear. “I hope someday that’ll go both ways.”
His soft kiss was a touch of lips that swept through her, freeing the regrets and anger, releasing the weight that crushed her chest and opening the door to what could be.
“Yes,” she said against his mouth, taking her first clear breath in years. “Yes. You’re mine.”
She rolled on top of him and claimed his mouth in a possessive kiss that showed exactly how much she meant the words. But there was still much to discuss. A shit-ton of baggage that needed to be unloaded before they could move forward.
Straddling him, she sat up. Her hair draped forward and she pushed it over her shoulder so she could study him. She traced every line of his face like she’d done in the past. The long angle of his nose, the curved arch of his brows, the hard line of his jaw to the round chin marred by the old scar. Last was the subtle dip and swell of his lips.
Through it all he touched her, palms on her thighs, her back, her feet. This was as close as she’d ever been to anyone. Different than her sister. Deeper.
“He’s the one,” she said, hoping Holden would understand.
“I guessed that.”
She shouldn’t have doubted him. He always seemed to get her, even when she wasn’t clear. “We were fairly close growing up. I leaned on him when my parents weren’t around.” She swallowed. “It was fall of our senior year in high school when it happened. His parents were out of town, and five of his football buddies came over to party.”
He closed his eyes, blew out a breath and opened them again. “Go on.”
“I was the only girl, but that wasn’t unusual,” she plowed on, not giving the butterflies in her stomach a chance to make her sick. “I trusted Rick. Hell, I’d been naive enough to trust all of them. I woke up the next morning naked, with no memory of anything after my first beer.” She paused and he held silent as she waited for the tightness to ease in her throat. “Rick says he was also drugged, and I have no way of knowing if it’s true. But he could’ve stood up for me when the lies were spread and told the truth about what happened. His betrayal hurt worse than the original act.”
The wound that usually dug at her chest when she thought about those events didn’t ache so badly now. Sharing with Holden, trusting him with her secrets, followed the same path as forgiveness.
His hands tightened on her hips, not punishing but protective. “Why was he there?” A frown pulled grooves between his brows that she reached to brush away. “And why was he at the lake? I don’t get that.”
“My family doesn’t know what happened.” She shrugged when his frown deepened. “I was raised with the belief that you are responsible for everything that happens to you. Period. No excuses. Somewhere in that mentality I formed the belief that I caused them to do it, that I let them. I was weak. So I never told anyone but Liv.”
“What the hell? That makes no sense at all. You aren’t to blame.”
His defense of her was exactly what she needed. “I get that now. Have since college. But it’s taken me this long to understand that forgiving is a part of healing.” She ran her hand through his hair, savoring the softness as it feathered over her fingers. “Our family only knows that we had a falling out that was never settled. After a few years it was clear that I was the one holding the grudge and everyone urged me to let it go, but I refused.”
She could almost feel the anger coming from him. His muscles were tense beneath her, his mouth worked around a clenched jaw, but no words came out.
“It’s not okay,” she soothed him. “But it is what it is. It’s time to move on.”
He grabbed her head and sat up in one powerful movement to wrap her in his arms. “I will never let another man hurt you. I swear.”
Her smile was smashed against his neck as she clung to his strength. “I don’t need someone to protect me.”
He shifted back, cradling her face in his hands. “Maybe not. But I’ve never met anyone who needed someone to love them more than you do.” He kissed her softly, another action that showed everything and caused her heart to flutter. “God, I love you, Vanessa. So damn much.”
It was all there in his eyes. Everything he’d been showing her for weeks that she refused to trust. Her pulse pounded too fast and heat flooded her, yet somehow goose bumps chased down her arms.
She wanted to jump into his love and embrace everything he was offering but she had one last item to clarify. “What about when the season starts? I live in that world. I know how it works.”
“What does that mean?” His frown was back, or maybe it was a scowl this time. “Wait. Is this about me telling Grenick and Walters about us?”
She raised a brow. “What?”
He fidgeted beneath her. “You weren’t talking about that?”
“No.” She let the word drag out, enjoying the way he squirmed.
“Oh.” He exhaled, but met her eyes. “They drilled me for answers after yesterday. I thought it was better to tell the truth than let them make up their own. I know I broke your rule, but I hope to God that rule no longer applies. I did it to protect you and stop the rumors. Not brag or gloat or whatever other action you might think of.”
“Okay.” Coming so quickly after her story, she expected to feel that familiar twist of nauseating betrayal, but it wasn’t there. She believed Holden and trusted his intent, and they could figure out how to deal with others knowing about them later. “I was actually talking about how I won’t share you with the legion of puck bunnies begging for a fuck.”
“Seriously?” He shook his head in exaggerated affront. “Like a single one of them would be worth losing this for? Never. I’m not even remotely interested in the fake adoration those women provide.” He brushed her hair away from her face, tracking the movement before he pressed another kiss to her lips. “There’s been no one but you since that first night at The Den. Don’t you know by now that the only woman I want is you? The only Mistres
s I’ll ever submit to is you.”
Maybe it was the fierceness of his tone or the conviction outlined in his eyes. More likely it was the weeks of showing her all of those things. She didn’t know for sure or exactly why, but she believed him.
More than that, she trusted him.
“You, Holden Hauke, are an amazing man.” She leaned in to kiss that scar on his chin, the little flaw that said he wasn’t perfect, but then, no one was. “I’m going to make mistakes,” she told him.
“We all make mistakes.”
“You know I can be cold and distant sometimes.”
“I’ll keep you warm.”
“I travel a lot.”
“So do I. We’ll figure it out.”
“I won’t share you.”
“And I won’t share you.”
Every one of her arguments, he had an answer for. They would figure it out, one day at a time. Exactly as they’d been doing all along, even if she’d been too stubborn to recognize that.
“I love you,” she told him, heart pounding in the freedom that came with sharing it with him. “I don’t know why you kept coming back, but thank you.”
“I’m here because I love you. It’s that simple.” He smiled, one of his full grins that warmed her heart and reminded her of what was right in the world. “Besides, my game is on fire. Who the hell else am I going to trust to keep my ass in line?”
She punched him in the chest. “Jerk.” But she laughed. A big, rich laugh that opened her soul and released the last of the pain that’d held her prisoner for so long.
“What?” He rubbed the spot where she’d hit him, a brow raised. “That’s it? No titty-twisters or nut squeeze to keep me in line?”
Her laughter faded and she jabbed the tip of her nail into his sternum, leaning in. “I know exactly how to ‘keep you in line.’” He fell back, the bed bouncing under his weight. She trailed her nail down his chest to stop at the tip of his cock. “That’s my job, Mr. Hauke.”
“Yes, Mistress.” His voice had lowered with hers, the playfulness dropping away as the mood shifted. “Whatever pleases you.”
She dipped to press a kiss to his lips. “You please me, very much.” She kissed him again. “Very, very much.”
Epilogue
“Hey, Hauke,” a reporter called. “What’d you do over the summer to improve your game so much?”
Holden leaned into the microphone, grinning. “I worked hard and learned how to focus better.” It was the complete truth.
“How?”
Walters chuckled next to him, but Holden simply winked at the reporters. “I can’t give away all of my secrets.”
A barrage of more questions came for the four guys sitting at the press conference table. The Glaciers’s season had taken off with a seven-game winning streak, which had everyone talking after their mediocre last season.
“Thank you, everyone,” Heidi said, standing. “That’s it for now.”
Cameras flashed in a blinding flicker of lights, and the shouts of further questions went ignored as she shepherded the players out of the press conference room.
“That was good, guys,” Heidi said as they traveled down the hall to the locker room. Her blond hair was twisted into a knot up the back of her head in a no-nonsense style that matched her navy suit. “There might be another one after the next game. I’ll let you know.” She stopped at the door and turned around. “I left jerseys out for each of you to sign in conference room B. Stop there on your way out and use the pens on the table. Thanks.” She spun around and walked away without another word.
The four guys shuffled into the locker room, and the door was closed solidly behind them before any of them spoke.
“Holy fuck,” Conners said as he took off the baseball hat that’d been shoved on each of their heads before they’d stepped into the press room.
“No shit,” Walters agreed. “That was insane.”
“Oh, poor babies.” Rylie stuck out a pouty lip. “You boys getting too much attention?” He was already showered and pulling on his shoes.
“Fuck you, Pretty Boy.” Holden flipped him off before turning to his locker. “You’re just jealous it’s not your ugly mug in front of the cameras.”
Rylie stood up, slicking his hands over his hair. “Well, I would be a better draw.”
“Dream on, young’un.” Grenick smacked Rylie upside the head as he walked by. “Or play better.”
The rounds of laughter and ribbing went on as Holden stripped off the rest of his gear and made his way to the showers. They’d been allowed twenty minutes to do their warm-down time on the bikes, but Heidi had mumbled something about looking hotter fresh off the ice, so showers had been denied.
Ten minutes later he was clean, dressed and ready to go. A whistle pierced the room, and Holden jerked around to see Conners giving him the once-over.
“Going bunny hunting tonight?” The left winger made up the starting line with him and Walters and rarely went out after a home game, as he had a wife and newborn waiting for him.
Holden glanced down at his slacks and dress shirt then shrugged. “Just meeting some friends. Nothing crazy.”
Conners glanced around before stepping closer to Holden. The locker room had emptied out with only a few guys remaining. He pitched his voice low anyway. “So I heard a rumor that you’ve hooked up with the Ice Queen.” He gave Holden a speculative look, brows raised.
“Vanessa,” Holden corrected automatically. He really hated that nickname now that he knew the real her. He grabbed his wallet and phone off the shelf and stuffed them in his pockets before he turned to Conners. “And yeah. She’s my girlfriend.”
It still socked him in the chest every time he said that. It’d been a month and a half since the carnival incident, and after talking it over they’d decided to be discreet but open about their relationship. He fucking loved it and was proud as hell to say she was his girlfriend.
“No shit?” Conners nodded. “Cool, man.”
Holden tipped his head and headed out. Vanessa was waiting for him in the conference room when he got there. He grinned and stepped up for a kiss.
“Nice game.” She looked sexy and authoritative decked out in her PR rep wardrobe of heels and a black business suit. But he knew she didn’t need an outfit to be either of those things. “The fans love you.”
He wrinkled his nose and shrugged. “I’m just playing my game.”
“Which is why they love you.”
He leaned in to kiss her again. He didn’t get enough of those now that the season had started. Luckily, she traveled with the team a lot. When they’d confided in Segar about their relationship, he’d only grunted and told them not to screw up his team.
“I don’t need their love. I got yours,” Holden told her.
“Don’t you two get enough of that at home?” Walters joked as he entered the room.
“Jealous?” Holden said as he grabbed the pen off the table and started signing jerseys. Walters and Grenick had both kept Holden’s secret and didn’t give him too much shit about it either.
“Completely.”
Holden stared at Walters, but the man kept his focus on signing his own stack of jerseys.
“I could introduce you to some friends,” Vanessa said, her voice only slightly teasing. Holden wouldn’t be surprised if she’d taken Walters and Grenick aside and threatened them with a bit of her style of play if either of them said a word about her being a Mistress.
Walters head shot up, eyes wide. “No. Thank you.” He swallowed. “I’m good.”
Holden laughed and finished up his task. They headed out to his car and left the arena to meet their other friends.
“Is it still on?” she asked.
“Yes.” He didn’t have to ask what she was talking abo
ut. The leather ankle bracelet she’d tied on him was about the only thing he could wear all the time, given his job. It was their little secret with a load of meaning and promises that he could take on the ice with him.
He’d finally gotten the collar he’d longed for from Vanessa.
“Does it bother you at all?”
“No, Vanessa.” He’d told her that every time she’d asked over the past two weeks.
“Have any of the guys said anything?”
He shook his head. “Nope. No one cares.”
“Good.”
The streetlights flashed over her profile, putting her face in light then shadow when he glanced at her. “It’s perfect, so stop worrying.” He’d discovered just how much she did worry about the people she cared for, but she was a master at keeping it hidden.
“I still can’t believe Liv talked everyone into going out tonight,” Vanessa said, and knowing her now, he was able to detect the hint of frustration and concern in her voice. “Marcus pushed it too. He said The Den could function just fine on a Monday night without any of them there.”
“I saw everyone at the game.” Between the two of them, they’d managed to get thirteen seats a few rows up from the bench. “And I agree. They all deserve it, given how much time, work and money they put into the carnival.”
“It still worries me that someone will slip in front of Liv.”
Holden reached over and rubbed her thigh. “Do you really think she’d care if she did find out about that part of our lives?”
Their relationship had grown to include their lives outside of the playroom, but he completely belonged to her. He also believed that it now went both ways. Vanessa was his in every way too.
“I don’t know.” She grabbed his hand and squeezed it.
She’d let him in to all the parts of her life, but he also understood that she might always have walls containing her different worlds. He got it and he didn’t want to change her except to ensure that she didn’t shut him out of any of them.
He pulled into the restaurant parking lot and cut the engine before tugging her over for a long, thorough kiss. “I think she’d be fine,” he said. “But she’ll never find out from anyone here. You can trust that.”