From draft; see 198:17:
. . . . . it should be a third person who will tell me about a girl, and I should know what I know about her staying power, I think that conversation should not be like a lonely one with myself in tears but in laughter. The demon of wittiness . . . . .
—Pap. V B 99:8 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 198:19:
. . . . . a little Emeline, who will die of love.99
—Pap. V B 99:9 n.d., 1844
In margin of draft; see 198:37-199:3:
My God, do the summoners of eternity look like this; when I see this paleness, this almost glazed look, death walks over my grave.—Pap. V B 99:10 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 198:38-199:22:
. . . . . who can calculate this impression. If she dies, merciful God, I will shoot a bullet through my head. But not before, alas I have surely been tempted, but if I do it before, I will provide her with an explanation, and to keep that away from her I would sacrifice my life. —Therefore be cold, calm, levelheaded, almost childishly open, moreover attentive to everything, aware of everything, weighing what my eyes, when the occasion is there, teach me and what the reports contain. To be truthful, when I became engaged to her I was not an intriguer; now I have become one.—Pap. V B 99:11 n.d., 1844
From final draft; see 199:25:
No. 1
Quiet Despair
—Pap. V B 128 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 201:20:
. . . . . and vanish without a trace. I can almost feel it as a pain because the nature of life is such that a young girl’s life is to be thrown to the wolves in such a way that I, if I were a brute, could allow myself to make love to her. It is certainly true that society does punish philanderers, that we laugh at them, condemn them, but what is that compared with the harm that they do?—Pap. V B 100:1 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 201:31-35:
. . . . . then I would no doubt become so terrified that nothing more would comfort me, because I would not believe her even if she maintained the opposite, since I would believe that she did it in order to spare me.—Pap. V B 100:2 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 202:7-8:
. . . . . but also the nagging pain that I have interfered with the religious, and then where would I find recourse.—Pap. V B 100:3 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 205:35-38:
. . . . . for, good Lord, it is not an illusion I foster, is it? I who am so reflective as if I were sheer reflection, and would it be the reason that I feel happier in the distance of possibility? Terrible! But it is not so.—Pap. V B 100:8 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 207:19:
. . . . . this is a risk I dare not take. In that case, I would rather choose an unhappy love, which still makes only one person unhappy.—Pap. V B 100:12 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 214:17:
—It is clear, however, that the only thing I know for sure about the girl is that I am in love with her.—Pap. V B 100:18 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 215:1-4:
. . . . . have damaged her soul by becoming shrewd—and it is supposed to be my fault, my silence is supposed to have corrupted her, corrupted her even more than if I had seduced her.—Pap. V B 100:19 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 216:26-28:
. . . . . but with God; it is a religious battle that gathers over me; it is my view of life that demands a rebirth. What sorrow. There I sit with the suffering in my soul, and with me sits the young girl; she does not suspect how this pertains to her. Only I see the sword over our head, and I grow old, and she—she is my beloved.—Pap. V B 100:20 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 218:6-10:
It is difficult at times, but I have learned especially to be attentive to being able to break off in an entirely casual but, please note, dispassionate, merely conversational manner. I myself have used the opposite tactic with an inclosingly reserved person; therefore I know the difficulties.—Pap. V B 100:23 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 218:12:
The point is to be able to look at him in the same second, for if one speaks longer with him, then he dispels the impression by means of discourse.—Pap. V B 100:24 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 219:5-6:
. . . . . to have him in such a way that he is bound as the police desire it, because I could divulge his life and thereby can coerce him . . . . . —Pap. V B 100:25 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 220:28-30:
Then it must be because a girl according to her nature is babble, that she babbles away and in the mental sense as well has a monthly emptying so that she forgets everything and begins from the beginning.—Pap. V B 100:27 n.d., 1844
Deleted from sketch; see 222:21-26:
Morning
She is silent
I have read a sermon to her.
I wonder what she is thinking of my emotion? That it is the rapture of love, that it should be she who moved me thus.
—Pap. V B 97:1 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 223:3:
. . . . . I who knew that I surpassed even my father in this virtuosity . . . . . —Pap. V B 100:29 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 224:18:
Truly she will be busy with recollection; she has enough, for to have been involved with a person who is the epitome of all reflection gives work in abundance.—Pap. V B 100:30 n.d., 1844
From sketch; see 224:28-31:
If my honor were not at stake, if my pride were not violated—I wanted it but was incapable of it. If she had abandoned me—what then—then it all would have amounted to nothing.— —JP V 5663 (Pap. IV B 142) n.d., 1843
From draft; see 225:30-31:
But from my earliest years I have lived almost only intellectually. Thought, ideas, dialectics, that is my life, my highest.—Pap. V B 100:31 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 228:19:
. . . . . highest, that I could really make her proud as she once was.—Pap. V B 100:34 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 229:18-26:
Faithless reflection, the person who treads on you, let him be on the alert. Then this thought surely must be taken on also. One might think that the person embraced by a reflection of that sort would be suffocated, and yet I know that this reflection is so elastic that she does not notice it at all.
I read aloud to her, I speak with her, she seems to find a certain pleasure in it. Yet she is quiet, silent, reticent.—Pap. V B 100:35 n.d., 1844
Deleted from sketch; see 229:8-11, 33-34:
Midnight
Everyone creates God in his image; as an intriguer, I believe that God is that also.
Penciled in margin:
Wer keinen hat muss auch zu Bett
[Who has none must also to bed].100
—Pap. V B 97:6 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 230:11-231:25:
And thus I use other hours of the day for recollecting that relationship, and the night hours for devising schemes and for keeping myself up to scratch.—Pap. V B 100:36 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 232:16-18:
. . . . . a matter of a life’s substance, of what makes a young person’s age that of an oldster.—Pap. V B 100:37 n.d., 1844
From sketch; see 235:16-234:32:
The leper has concocted a salve that can conceal his leprosy [V B 126 220] from others, but it is still contagious—the one now wants to take revenge upon the people; the other wishes to remain out there among the gravestones.
Ah, stupid human language, who is entitled to compassion [V B 126 221] if not someone who is unfortunate, and yet it is the reverse, it is the unfortunate one who has compassion on the fortunate one.
the pauper who has fallen into the hands of the
Jewish peddler, with what does it end, it ends in
the debtors’ prison, and so it is with human
compassion, when at no risk to themselves people
can practice usury with their charity and obtain a
hundredfold return in the next life—but
ordinarily it ends with their sending the o
ne
person out here. the other
one is called Manasse.
—Pap. V B 126 n.d., 1844
From final draft; see 234:32:
But then silence, so that no one ever comes to know anything, for of what use is it otherwise.—Pap. V B 129:1 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 235:27-29:
. . . . . religiously I am equal to everyone, and religiously I have humbled myself under this relationship. If a young girl were to get such a confounded idea, that an old man should become an idolater through her.—Pap. V B 101:2 n.d., 1844
Deleted from sketch; see 235:6-7, 236:37:
Morning
She no doubt thinks I am making a fool of everyone but her.
In margin: see, do you dare to say
by God.
—Pap. V B 97:4 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 237:2:
. . . . . where religiousness consists of summarily expecting to obtain what one desires.—Pap. V B 101:4 n.d., 1844
Deleted from sketch; 241:8-33:
Morning
I speak with her as with a child. She does not reflect at all; I cannot say a word without its being reflective.
Small talk—yet in many ways I am qualified to be a husband.
In margin: She is silent.
—Pap. V B 97:2 n.d., 1844
In margin of draft; see 241:36:
. . . . . should be a Wednesday.
—Pap. V B 101:10 n.d., 1844
Deleted from sketch; see 242:4-6, 244:35-245:5:
Midnight.
Meeting on the street.
If I were not so scrupulous, I would have
moved into her neighborhood in order to train
her in seeing me. It is desirable that she
not become dull.
—Pap. V B 97:9 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 243:17-19:
. . . . . feeling talented in comparison with the particular individual with whom I spoke and secretly expecting that nothing would ever come of me other than a queer fellow who walked up and down the floor and smoked tobacco.—Pap. V B 101:12 n.d., 1844
Deleted from sketch; see 243:3-38:
Midnight.
She wanted to be something extraordinary. I am lying and waiting in the pilot boat in order to help her secretly—Pap. V B 97:17 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 244:1-10:
. . . . . then I shall rejoice in her and in my heart know that I have secretly worked for her to the utmost of my capacity.
In margin: the anonymous novella101 about which I was mistaken.
—Pap. V B 101:13 n.d., 1844
From sketch; 244:12-19:
Morning
I confess to her that she is sacrificing herself for me; I have asked her forgiveness for pulling her along in this way.—Pap. V B 97:5 n.d., 1844
In margin of draft; see 244:12:
. . . . . should be a Wednesday.
—Pap. V B 101:15 n.d., 1844
Deleted from sketch; 244:12:
Midnight
Meeting on the street.
—Pap. V B 97:10 n.d., 1844
Deleted from sketch; 244:12:
Midnight.
She is looking for me. Hauser Square.
—Pap. V B 97:11 n.d., 1844
Deleted from sketch; 245:6-246:6:
Midnight.
The letter to her at second hand.
—Pap. V B 97:8 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 245:28-29:
I do not understand how the whole affair about the letters of the schoolteacher Bæren102 can arouse such a great sensation; my correspondence is always transmitted by way of friendship.—Pap. V B 101:16 n.d., 1844
Deleted from sketch; 248:18-38:
Morning
She is silent.
I can do everything with my artificial leg. We are merry and a pair of young lovers, she by virtue of her seventeen years—and I—on my artificial leg. I am learning the comic from the ground up, and yet it is enough to make one lose one’s mind.
In margin: Captain Gribskopf
I shall reach the religious; it is a precaution, like contributing to a widow’s fund.
—Pap. V B 97:3 n.d., 1844
In margin of draft; see 249:1:
. . . . . should be a Wednesday
—Pap. V B 101:17 n.d., 1844
Deleted from sketch; see 250:12-28:
In Part 1
Morning
Throughout almost the whole month of March it merely says very briefly: no new symptom. Somewhat indifferently narrated and embellished.—Pap. V B 97:19 n.d., 1844
Deleted from sketch; see 250:12-28:
[In margin: In Part 2]
March. Morning.
And when a happy prospect for our future has appeared, then I rush to her; when I have joy to bring, I never seek a long way around—Pap. V B 97:22 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 250:13:
. . . . symptom. Through the religious I am attaining more and more actuality. When . . . . . .—Pap. V B 101:18 n.d., 1844
See 250:30:
This piece103 could be called “Solomon’s Dream,” in which a melancholy youth has the impression of David that he was not God’s chosen one but only pretending to be so while inwardly his bad conscience preyed on him.—Pap. V B 125 n.d., 1844
From final draft; see 251:11-12:
. . . . . the son of the chosen one, and the royal purple that already blinds a mortal eye blinded double when David stepped forth in full array, because he was a king of the spirit.—Pap. V B 130:2 n.d., 1844
From final draft; see 252:4:
. . . . . everything, and he was offended at God.
—Pap. V B 130:4 n.d., 1844
From final draft; see 252:12:
. . . . . strength, and the budding shoot of action was snapped off by one winter frost, and he never attained his strength—Pap. V B 130:5 n.d., 1844
Deleted from sketch; see 252:24-254:2:
Midnight.
My head is tired; oh, if only I dared to be a little sad, to recollect—but then I am deceiving her. Why am I doing all this? For the sake of the idea, because it is freedom’s highest passion, and my nature’s deepest necessity—Simon Stylites’s mistake was not that he did it but that he invited others to watch him.—Pap. V B 97:15 n.d., 1844
Deleted from sketch; see 254:29-255:37:
In Part 2
Midnight.
Suppose she were to become a governess—I am like a child writing a drill-exercise on specified words.
a word about her father’s driving out to a country manor.
Midnight.
Drives out there. Eighty miles. Postilion.
—Pap. V B 97:29 n.d., 1844
Deleted from sketch; see 257:28-261:4:
Midnight.
An actual religious individuality I am not. I am a superbly constituted possibility for it, discover the whole religious turning point primitively, but while I am grasping for the religious patterns my prodigious philosophical doubt enters in. It is dreadful to be able to understand the need for the religious so deeply and yet have a doubt such as that. Yet I will stick it out;* I will not turn away; I will not seek the company of a yodeling saint who when contemplating world history and existence yodels in half Norwegian: It is so wonderful.
The Comic
* as soon as I am through with my relationship to her, that is the moment to plunge myself absolutely down into this.—Pap. V B 97:16 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 258:7:
If one has a little talent, it is not difficult to preach in any style whatsoever and continually satisfy some people with each style, but it is difficult to become intelligible to oneself. Fine.—Pap. V B 102:2 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 258:14-15:
. . . . . that I never dare confide to any person. In the midst of all my need and misery, I constantly have an ear with which I listen to what is being achieved in our day. Yes, that’s a fine help.—Pap. V B 102:3 n.d., 1844
From
draft; see 258:35-259:10:
I will not be satisfied with talking about it because others are satisfied with it; I will not be clever with phrases by which one says here is not the place, this is not the time for us to talk about it. Neither will I seek association with a sect with a yodeling saint, who when he contemplates life and existence and the course of world history yodels in Norwegian: It is so wonderful.—Pap. V B 102:4 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 259:22-27:
If only this were done, if instead of wasting time on criticism and preliminaries and systems, or wasting words on judging and denouncing the hypocrisy of the enthusiasts [Opvakte] one had a good comic drawing of such a figure.—Pap. V B 102:5 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 260:11-38:
[V B 102 6 194] . . . . . on the contrary, it was my one and only wish to do it, and even if I had not wished it I still would have married. I always believe that obedience is more pleasing to God than the fat of rams,104 and God does not stand in need of any human being. Such rashness was truly far from my soul. I often think of how deeply offended I would be if a high-ranking man ever arrayed himself in his superiority and rightfully—please note, rightfully—said to me, who had wanted to elbow my way to the front: Stay where you are, just as I myself at times also say of a fool: Shoemaker, stick to your last. And if anyone can be superior, God in heaven can. How dreadful if I were to vanish into a nothing before his majesty, and this is called: Stay where you are. Perhaps I would never recover. Yet I think a pietist [Hellig] would find this talk facetious; he [V B 102 6 195] would no doubt want me to curse piously just as one other-wise curses impiously. But if I sensed this terror in this way, would it not be earnestness? Why do people know so well how to talk about a high-ranking man’s superiority, why do they understand so well how humbling it must be to vanish in this way like a lie before his superiority, and why should one not understand the same about God?—Pap. V B 102:6 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 261:7-8:
Perhaps, despite all my efforts, I have become somewhat changed, but good Lord, nine months in such sufferings and such tensions—one cannot keep oneself totally unchanged—yet I am ready at once, but as yet the counterorder is in force.—Pap. V B 102:7 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 261:27-28:
in short, suppose that we in truth were separated, suppose that she, according to her own statement as reported to me today, had never cared for me at all.—Pap. V B 102:8 n.d., 1844
Stages on Life’s Way Page 64