by S. Nelson
I also remembered our parents laughing at us while we horsed around, as well as recalling Avery pouting because she had to wait her turn for a piggyback ride from Jimmy. I remembered everything about that day, and while I wished all my memories were positive from our family outing, the thing I remembered most was that was the day my older, seemingly invincible, wonderful, and caring brother tried to commit suicide for the first time. Then a year later, he was officially diagnosed with not only depression but schizophrenia, a diagnosis that rocked our entire family.
As I continued to study the photo, I could see the pain behind his eyes, pain he tried to keep hidden from all of us until he could no longer accomplish the feat.
“That was a great day,” Avery said, coming up behind me. “Until it wasn’t.”
“I just wish we would’ve known something was wrong.”
“I know,” she agreed, wrapping her arms around my midsection, and resting her chin on my shoulder as we stood there gazing at the picture.
“Dinner is ready in five,” Mom shouted from the kitchen.
“Thanks,” we yelled back in unison, smiling when she poked her head into the hallway and saw us huddled close.
“Do you think Dad will stop by?” There was irritation laced in Avery’s tone when she asked the question. She still hadn’t forgiven our father for his indiscretions or the fact that he left after Jimmy died.
“I’m not sure. He didn’t last year.” Even though they were separated, Mom always invited him over for dinner on this specific day. He only showed up once. “But I’m sure he’ll be at the cemetery. He doesn’t miss that.”
Avery parted her lips to say something else, but Mom stepped into the room, carrying a piping-hot dish. The aroma wafted through the air, and I swore if I didn’t eat something soon, my stomach was going to growl so loud, our neighbors would hear the damn thing.
“Sit before it gets cold.” Placing the casserole in the middle of the table, she reached for my plate and scooped out a hefty helping before placing it back in front of me. She did the same for Avery, and only then did she make her own plate.
I glanced at my sister across the table and raised my brows just enough only she’d notice. In turn, Avery shook her head, the movement so slight, only I saw. We expressed our coded surprise on how well our mom was holding up today.
Last year she was a mess, crying so much throughout our visit, we could barely understand a word she said, other than “Jimmy.” But today, she appeared rather composed, which led me to wonder if she’d taken anything to calm her nerves. Not that I was opposed to her needing a bit of help to get her through.
Restraining myself so I didn’t shovel the entire contents of my dinner into my mouth in only a few forkfuls, I took the time to chew my food before diving back in for more. While this was Jimmy’s favorite dinner, it was one of my top three. Homemade pizza and pot roast being the other two mouthwatering contenders she made for us.
“This is so good, Mom,” Avery complimented.
“Yeah, you really outdid yourself tonight,” I added, licking my fork clean when I finally finished devouring the casserole.
After we helped clear the table and load the dishwasher, our mother put on a pot of coffee, and for the next hour, we reminisced about some of our favorite stories of Jimmy. He was a carefree and loving brother and son, always looking out for his younger sisters, protecting us even when we didn’t want it.
We were off-limits to all his friends, which was a shame because when I was fifteen, I had the biggest crush on one of his buddies, Nicholas, but unfortunately, anytime he came over to the house to hang out, Jimmy kept a close eye on him, never allowing him to get close enough to hold even a five-minute conversation with me. Jimmy was all too aware of my fascination and warned me away as well as reminding Nicholas to stay far away from me, that his nineteen-year-old ass would end up in jail if he found out he touched me.
I heard a few years later that my crush had started selling drugs after high school, got arrested, spent some time in jail, then when he got out, he impregnated two different girls before taking off to Florida, without either of them. I’d never been so appreciative of Jimmy’s overprotectiveness than when I found all that out.
We kept the memories to all things positive, refusing to talk about the three times we visited Jimmy in the hospital after he attempted to kill himself, twice with pills and once by hanging himself from the ceiling fan in his room. He’d been too heavy, and the fan broke. We also drifted over his many bouts of depression, his drunken escapades, and his schizophrenic episodes. He hated the medication the doctor put him on, describing the feeling as if he was numb, hiding in a dark place within himself. He often tried to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol, but of course he only made things worse when he was hopped up on any sort of substance.
Jimmy was a troubled young man, and for as much as I missed him, longed to throw my arms around him and give him the biggest hug, there was a small part of me that was relieved he no longer suffered. And I had a feeling the rest of my family shared my sentiment, even though they would probably never utter the words out loud.
Before the sun set, the three of us pulled into the cemetery, following the winding and narrow roads until we arrived at the top. Jimmy’s gravesite was on the end, buried next to our maternal grandparents. No matter how many times I visited my brother here, it never got any easier. The weather sometimes played a factor with my mood. If it was sunny and warm out, as it was today, a more somber wave crashed over me, but if the weather reflected the mood of the occasion with storm clouds and rain, I felt more at peace, if that made sense.
“Dad’s here,” Avery announced, jerking her chin toward the man standing next to Jimmy’s headstone. “Wonder how long he’s been here.” My sister’s anger toward our father had waned over the past couple years, but their relationship continued to be strained. He called her often, and only half the time she’d pick up. He never pushed her for more, often telling me she had to come around on her own. Otherwise, he felt it wouldn’t be genuine.
“Hi, Dad,” I greeted, leaning in and accepting the embrace he offered. His chestnut-colored hair was perfectly styled close to his head, a cut he hadn’t changed in decades, but it suited him. Jimmy had closely resembled him, and every time I looked at Dad, I was reminded of the similarities. They shared the same eyes and captivating smile. Dressed in jeans and a blue and white striped polo shirt, he looked good, trimmer than when I saw him last month.
“Hi, sweetheart.” He kissed the top of my head before pulling back, his eyes lingering on mine as they often did. Then his gaze swung to his youngest child. “Hi, Avery.” Moving toward her, he drew her into his arms, kissing her like he did me before turning his attention to his ex-wife. “How are you, Paulette?”
“I’m okay, Harry. And you?”
“Same, I guess.” The faint smile that curved the corners of his mouth flattened a moment later. I watched their exchange, their eyes glued to the other for moments longer than a polite greeting. And I couldn’t determine if their silent exchange was one of love or of a shared bond of heartbreak. Either way, it was nice to see them acting civil toward each other, even though the occasion was a solemn one.
“We missed you at dinner. We had his favorite.” Mom’s eyes glassed over for the first time since Avery and I arrived at her house, and although I hated seeing her upset, her sadness mirrored mine, so I found some comfort in the sight.
“I wanted to come but—”
“It’s okay.” She placed her hand on his arm before letting it fall back to her side. “Just know you’re always welcome.”
“Thank you.”
The four of us didn’t talk much as we stood there, but the love we shared for Jimmy was felt by us all. Dad had wiped his tombstone free of any dirt, and Mom laid a bouquet of flowers on top. Avery and I huddled close and clasped hands, our heads bowed in silent conversation with our brother.
A little while later, after we said goodbye to our
dad, Avery, Mom, and I walked back to my car.
As I folded myself into the driver seat, I couldn’t decide which day was harder on me.
Jimmy’s birthday.
Or the anniversary of his death, which had been a couple months prior.
11
Quinn
I drummed my fingers against the wheel as I waited for my sister to walk our mother to her front door. We asked if she wanted us to stay with her for a while longer, but she waved us off, telling us she was going to take a shower and head to bed early. It’d been a long and emotionally exhausting day for all of us, and while I wasn’t much of a drinker, I sure needed one right about now.
Originally, Avery had been scheduled to work tonight, but after remembering how drained she was last year on this day, she switched shifts with her friend Mandy. We were still going to swing by the bar, though, because we could both use the indulgence of some alcohol.
“Is she okay?” I asked when she returned, peering over at her while she clicked her seat belt.
“She’s fine, all things considered. It’s a tough day for everyone.”
Setting the radio volume to low so we could talk, I pulled out of the driveway and back onto the road. “To Murray’s?”
“Yup.” She typed out a message before turning to look at me. “You need to come visit me more often when I’m working.”
“And why’s that?”
“Remember the hottie I told you always comes in and sits alone, doesn’t talk to anyone?” She continued on before allowing me to answer. “Well, he had a friend there the other day, and he was just as yummy. They might actually be related, now that I think about it. They looked a lot alike. Brothers maybe? Cousins?”
“I told you I’m not interested in meeting anyone.”
“Other than the hot and sexy cop, right?”
“Not him either.” I wasn’t sure if I was lying right then or not, Nolan’s face popping into my head. The memory of our first encounter quickly faded, replaced with the hint of smiles I’d seen when we spoke the other times.
A half hour later, we pulled into the packed parking lot of Avery’s job, finding a space near the back door. I checked my phone to make sure our mom hadn’t called, changing her mind and wanting us to come back over. There were three texts and one voicemail, but they were all from Todd. His warning me away from Scott didn’t sit well with me, although neither did his cheating, which was why I’d cut all ties with the man. But I could feel myself weakening, not to where I’d give him another chance, but I could envision a conversation between us in the near future, if only to finally tell him to stop calling and texting me.
“Follow me.” Avery opened the back door, and we hurried through the kitchen, moving around two of the cooks and Mandy. She stopped by her friend and gave her a side hug. “Thanks again for switching with me.”
“Anytime. I know what it’s like to lose a sibling, unfortunately.” The strawberry-blonde-haired woman kissed my sister’s cheek, then looked to me, her brown eyes speaking volumes. I’d met her several times and liked her a lot. She was outspoken but not in an obnoxious way. “Drinks on the house, ladies.”
“Thanks,” I said, taking comfort in her sympathetic smile as I followed my sister. I headed for two seats at the end of the bar, but Avery yanked on my arm, pulling me toward two stools closer to the middle.
“What’s wrong with those?” I asked, pointing toward the corner.
“He sits there, and I don’t feel like being that close to a grump tonight.”
“Who sits there?” I looked back toward the empty seats.
“The hottie who comes in all the time.”
“He has his own assigned seat? In a bar?”
“Yeah.” She rolled her eyes and shrugged, sat down, and patted the seat next to her. “Plant it.”
“Fine. But now I’m curious as to who this guy is.”
“Oh, you’ll see. He usually comes in between eight and nine.”
Glancing at the clock on the wall above the liquor shelves, I saw it was ten to nine. I had to admit I was curious about the mysterious, hot guy who had a reserved seat at the bar. But as the place filled up over the next half hour, I forgot all about him and enjoyed my glass of Pinot. Avery tried to convince me to do shots with her, but she was a more seasoned drinker, and the last thing I needed was to wake up tomorrow with a massive hangover and ruin the rest of my weekend. Not that I had any plans other than to catch up on my laundry and pay some bills.
She was in the middle of telling me a story about Mandy and one of the cooks getting caught hooking up in the kitchen after hours when her eyes drifted to the left of me. She watched someone walk by, and I didn’t think anything of it until she smirked and jerked her chin toward the corner of the bar.
“He’s here.”
“Who?”
“The guy I told you about.”
“Reserved-seat guy?” I was in mid question as I turned to look in the direction of the area where we’d almost sat down earlier. There were a few people in the way, so I couldn’t see him, but when Mandy settled up their bill, they shifted to the side, and a man came into view.
I’d been mid swallow when a familiar face filled my line of sight, and the surprise of seeing him made my drink go down the wrong pipe.
“What’s wrong with you?” Avery laughed and slapped my back when I continued to choke. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” I managed to speak the one-word answer as I worked to compose myself. There was no way he didn’t see me, or at least hear the commotion I just caused. When I dared to look back over at him, his eyes met mine, and I swore I saw him smile, but with the dim lighting, I couldn’t be positive. I looked away quickly, a nervous bout of energy rushing through me, heating me from the inside.
“What’s going on?” My sister leaned closer, but I didn’t look at her. “You’re freaking me out, woman.”
Another few seconds passed before I said anything.
“It’s him.”
“Him who?”
“Him,” I repeated, as if she’d have a clue who I meant. “The cop.”
“Where?” She spun around so fast on her seat I thought for sure her ass would hit the floor. She looked everywhere before nudging my shoulder with hers. “Where is he?” The excitement in her voice would either increase or wane altogether once she found out that her mystery hot guy and the cop were one and the same.
“He’s sitting in the last seat over there. In the dark gray shirt.” I knew the moment Avery realized her guy and Nolan were the same person because she practically sucked in all the air in the room with her overexaggerated gasp.
“That’s the moody hottie,” she muttered.
“Aka… Nolan Bennett.”
12
Nolan
Exhaustion almost made me stay home tonight. I’d taken on a double shift twice this week and wanted nothing more than to stay home and crawl right into bed, but something told me to come here, to have a drink or two before finally retiring for the evening, which would still be an early one as it wasn’t even ten yet. My need to follow my routine persevered, which was why I was now pushing through the crowd to get to the bar. I found my seat empty, as it had been for as long as I could remember. I planted my ass and made eye contact with the bartender. I couldn’t remember her name, but she wasn’t the same one who usually waited on me, although I had seen the blonde woman here numerous times before. She slid my drink in front of me without me telling her the order, then flashed me a smile before she turned to wait on a man and woman standing a few feet away.
As I did most nights, I cleared my mind of any thoughts and lifted the glass to my lips. Before the scotch caressed my taste buds, however, my attention was pulled toward a small commotion not twenty feet away.
And then I saw her.
Quinn Harris.
What were the odds I’d see her again, and so soon after our last run-in several nights ago?
She looked as beautiful as I remembered. Her h
air was down, the color darkened by the dim lighting in the bar, and one of the first thoughts to infiltrate was of me fisting the strands, holding her in place as I ravaged her mouth. Shock washed over me at the image. Not because I didn’t want that to happen, but because I did. I hadn’t thought about being intimate with any woman in years, but there was something about Quinn that unsettled and disrupted the threads of my reserve.
She spoke to the woman next to her, who just so happened to be the bartender who typically waited on me. What a coincidence that they knew each other. As I watched their interactions, I was hit with why I thought the brunette server seemed familiar to me. Her and Quinn’s mannerisms were similar. Hell, even the way their brows arrowed up screamed they were related. There was no doubt in my mind they were sisters.
As I sat there in shock at the turn of events, I couldn’t help but wonder what kind of trick fate was playing on me. I believed in flukes, but going to the same bar night after night and being waited on by the brunette more times than I could count, then having her be related to the one woman who seemingly plagued my thoughts as of late, had to go beyond the luck of chance.
I threw back half my drink before working up the courage to get my ass out of my seat and go over there. I’d apologized for my behavior during our first encounter, but I’d do it again if it meant she’d finally give in and let me buy her a drink. And seeing as we were in a bar, I doubted I could entice her with a simple cup of coffee.
Every step closer to her, I attempted to steady my sprinting heartbeat, but as the distance faded between us, my pulse thickened, and the muscle inside my chest continued to pump overtime.