by Iris Morland
“Oh, Kate,” she said softly. She tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “This is quite a scrape, even for you.”
I sniffled. “Tell me about it.”
“You can’t hide this forever. What are Mom and Dad going to think when you come home one day with a baby?”
“I know, I know. I know what I’m doing isn’t logical or responsible, at least in terms of hiding the pregnancy. But if the truth comes out, Lochlann could lose his job, and I could lose my place in the program. At the very least, my reputation would turn to shit. Nobody would take me seriously after this.”
Mari’s expression hardened. “You know I have to tell Liam about this.”
At that, I grabbed my sister’s hands. “You can’t. Liam will spill the beans and murder the father of my baby. Do you want your husband in jail? Because you know he’d lose his damn mind.”
Mari considered my plea before finally sighing. “Fine, fine. You’re right. He would not handle it well.” She pointed a finger at me. “But that doesn’t mean Lochlann gets off the hook. I could strangle him myself! Getting my little sister pregnant? Sleeping with a girl who’s, what? Fifteen years his junior?”
“He’s only ten years older than me, and I might’ve fudged my age when we met.”
Mari sighed again. “Of course you did. Did you ever once think about what you were doing? That having unprotected sex could lead to pregnancy?”
“We used a condom!” My voice was so loud that Mari shushed me. “We used a condom,” I repeated in a lower voice. “We weren’t total idiots. It just didn’t fucking work.”
“So what are you going to do? Do you have any plans beyond keeping this a secret forever?”
I realized that I had to make a decision. If I wanted this baby to have a good life, I couldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself. Although I hated how he’d made the decision without asking me, I knew Lochlann was right about me moving into his apartment complex. It would be the next best thing to actually living together.
As far as keeping this baby a secret? I couldn’t do that. Not any longer.
But I’d have to keep the father’s identity a secret. At least until...I didn’t know. For as long as necessary.
As Mari and I made our way back downstairs, I said sort of jokingly, “So on a scale of one to ten, how freaked out do you think Mom and Dad will be when I tell them I’m having a bastard child and I won’t tell them who the father is?”
Mari, bless her, just gave me a not-so reassuring pat on the arm.
Chapter Fourteen
Lochlann
Kate looked me up and down, a comical expression on her face. “Are you seriously in disguise?”
“I’m making it harder for people to recognize me, yes.”
“You really should’ve bought a fake beard. Maybe a fedora, too. Then again, no one would believe you managed to knock up a woman wearing either of those.”
I scowled down at her. She giggled, which charmed me despite the insane circumstances we found ourselves in. Today was Kate’s eighteen-week ultrasound, and the first one I’d been able to attend. I’d tried to attend earlier ones, but finding someone to substitute for my classes without someone getting suspicious would’ve been impossible.
“Come on, James Bond. We’re gonna be late,” said Kate.
When we sat down in the waiting room, I sat three seats down from Kate so if someone who knew us happened to stroll by, they wouldn’t see anything untoward.
Just a male professor waiting to see an OB-GYN. What would be strange about that? I thought wryly.
The weekend prior, Kate had moved into the flat down the hall from me. I’d been stupid enough to think that helping her move in wouldn’t be something anyone would notice. But of course, one of the movers was a student from my freshman materials class. The section included over one hundred students, so although the student had recognized me, I hadn’t recognized him.
“Dr. Gallagher? What’re you doing here?” He’d given me a look up and down, then glanced at Kate. “You two know each other or something?”
Kate and I both replied at the same time, “No!”
Considering I was standing in Kate’s kitchen, holding a box that held her pots and pans, this particular student gave us both a strange look. “Um, okay. Let me get Jack so we can get the couch in here.”
That incident had only hit home how precarious this situation was. If one person suspected, if one person saw us together and thought we were romantically involved, it’d be all over. I’d be sent straight back to Dublin, all of my hard work thrown in the rubbish bin. And what would happen to Kate and the baby? I couldn’t continue to live in the country if my work visa were revoked as a result of losing my position.
Of course, Kate and I could marry. I’d do it, even though I knew I wouldn’t be the type of husband she needed or deserved. But how could I ask her for that sacrifice? To marry a man who’d always love his research more than his wife?
We were between a rock and a hard place, because I’d been fucking stupid enough to give in to a night of indulgence. For two years, I’d managed to avoid any entanglements with women. Apparently my self-control was not as strong as I’d thought—when I’d seen Kate, I’d known she was mine.
She’s not anything but the mother of your child, I reminded myself as I followed Kate after her name had been called. I resisted the temptation to hunch into the collar of my jacket, as if I were ashamed of being here.
After the nurse instructed Kate to get on the exam table, I instinctively took her arm to help her up there. Kate, though, jerked in surprise, her eyes widening.
“Um,” she said. She shoved her arm at me. “Sorry. I mean, I’m fine. I’m not that fat yet.”
I cleared my throat and nodded. The nurse looked perplexed by our interaction, but she was too much of a professional to comment. After she’d taken Kate’s vitals, Kate and I waited for her doctor.
Kate’s legs swung, her heels lightly bouncing against the metal table. I couldn’t help but marvel at how her belly had grown in the past few weeks. Her pregnancy was now more apparent, but a combination of loose pants and sweatshirts had enabled her to keep it hidden from the general public.
“Kate, hello,” said Dr. Sanders. “And you must be the father. Nice to meet you.”
“Lochlann,” I said as I shook her hand. Dr. Sanders was a short, compact woman, her face deceptively young. In contrast, her hair was snow white. She could’ve been any age between twenty-five and fifty-five.
“How are you feeling? No more dizziness, nausea?” Dr. Sanders washed her hands before instructing Kate to lie down.
“Nope. I’ve been feeling way better than in the first trimester,” said Kate.
“Excellent. That’s pretty common. The second trimester is when you aren’t so big that you’re uncomfortable, but your morning sickness and other symptoms often disappear. I’m going to measure you and then we’ll get to the ultrasound.”
Dr. Sanders measured Kate’s belly, which I’d learned was one of the ways they checked to see if the baby was growing as it should. Every time I waited for Dr. Sanders to pronounce something healthy, I held my breath. After that visit to the ER, I’d had to restrain myself from being overprotective, watching over Kate as best I could, given that we couldn’t let anyone know we were, in fact, having a child together.
Part of me almost wanted to reveal everything. Keeping this a secret was draining: not just for me, but for Kate, too. The dark circles under her eyes weren’t simply because she was both a student and a woman growing a baby inside her. I knew the effort of keeping my paternity a secret weighed on her, and I bloody fucking hated it. I blamed myself. I should’ve made certain the condom wasn’t defective.
I should’ve never fucking touched her.
“Everything looks and sounds normal. Okay, lift your shirt and pull down your pants some. That’s good, perfect,” said Dr. Sanders. “Now, sorry about the cold goo. I promise it’s supposed to be cold for a reason.�
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Kate winced when the cold goo hit her abdomen, but when Dr. Sanders began to use the wand to search for the baby, I found myself completely mesmerized.
“You’ll have a better view here,” said Dr. Sanders, pointing to the chair next to Kate’s head.
I hadn’t moved from the chair in the corner. When Kate gave me a small nod, I went to sit next to her, my heart hammering.
“Oh, there’s baby.” Dr. Sanders pointed to the screen. “There’s an arm. See that? Looks like baby is waving.”
I couldn’t help it: I grabbed Kate’s hand. I felt as though the breath had left my body. There was our baby, protected inside Kate’s womb, growing as it should. This little baby was something we’d created together. As Dr. Sanders moved the wand around Kate’s belly, pointing out various body parts, I was overwhelmed.
Joy, terror, pride—too many emotions to name. As I looked at my baby—our baby—it was as if everything coalesced into this perfect, crystal clear moment. Everything became real.
This was happening. Kate and I were having a baby.
In that moment, the regret, the fear, the guilt—it melted away like snow in the sunshine. This baby was something I would never regret. As I watched Kate’s face split into a wide smile, I knew I’d never regret meeting her and having this baby with her, either.
“Did you two want to find out the gender today?” Dr. Sanders moved the wand again. “If baby will just turn our way, that is. He or she has decided they’d rather show us their backside.”
Kate laughed. “That sounds like my kid.” She turned to me. “I wanted to find out the gender because there’s no way I’d have the patience to wait. How about you?”
“Don’t most people find that out these days?”
“Yeah, but some people like it to be a surprise,” said Kate.
“Considering everything, I’m not sure either of us need another surprise.”
Kate wrinkled her nose. “What? Like the baby is actually going to be a shark or something? I’m pretty sure we only have two choices here.”
I squeezed her hand. “You’re a pain in my arse, you know that?”
“So that’s a yes?”
“Yes, that’s a yes.”
Dr. Sanders chuckled. “Well, perfect timing, because this baby has just given us a nice view. It’s a girl. See the vulva here?”
Kate leaned forward. “I see it! Oh my God, our child has no shame. I love it.” Her eyes lit up as she stared at the screen. “A girl.” When she turned back towards me, she had tears in her eyes. “A little girl, Lochlann.”
A little girl. I’d never thought I’d have children—not after Sophie had left me. The thought of caring for, protecting, and loving a daughter overwhelmed me. Would she be impulsive and fiery like her mother? Or would she be more introspective and deliberate like me?
I couldn’t help myself. I kissed Kate, right then and there in the doctor’s office. Kate made a surprised sound in the back of her throat, but she kissed me back. It was only the sound of Dr. Sanders moving the ultrasound cart that made us jump apart.
When we arrived back at my flat, I said quietly to Kate, “Can you come in for a moment?”
After I’d closed my door, my body hardened at the realization that we were alone for the first time in weeks. I hadn’t let myself be alone with her for this very reason. Seeing her now, her belly rounded with our daughter, her cheeks slightly flushed, I knew that if I kissed her again we wouldn’t stop until we were on the floor, fucking each other senseless.
I swallowed. I couldn’t let that happen. I’d already gone too far when I’d given in to temptation and made her come on the futon only a few feet away from us.
“I just wanted to say that, no matter what happens, I’ll take care of you and our daughter,” I said in a rush.
“I never doubted you would.”
To my surprise, she wrapped her arms around me, and I allowed myself to hug her back. Resting my chin on top of her head, I murmured, “I don’t want you to feel like you’re alone in this. Because you’re not.”
“I might not have believed you saying that before, but I do now.” Kate looked up at me. “I know neither of us had this in our plans, but if I had to have a bastard child with anyone, I’m glad it’s with you.”
I clucked my tongue. “Our daughter is not going to be called a bastard child, because this isn’t the nineteenth century.”
“Thank God. Otherwise I would’ve had to marry you.”
I stilled; Kate blushed when she saw my expression and immediately broke our embrace.
It was stupid, the hurt that made my heart tear inside me. The last thing either of us needed was to get ourselves trapped in an unwanted marriage.
So why did I feel like she’d just punched me in the gut? It made no sense. Because if I were developing feelings for this brilliant, frustrating, gorgeous woman...it’d be catastrophic.
Kate fiddled with her hair. “I should go. Thanks for coming with me today. Doing all of this alone…” She wrung her hands. “It’s been scary. And overwhelming. So I’m glad you’re around, I guess.”
I took her hands, squeezing them. “I’m going to keep staying around. I can promise you that.”
Kate’s genuine thank you sent an arrow straight through my heart. I let her go, although part of me wanted her to stay. I wanted to talk about the future. I wanted to talk about baby names, and how to decorate the nursery. I wanted to talk about the things you talked about with the mother of your child.
The weight of the world suddenly pressed down on my shoulders. I’d never felt torn in so many directions at once: protectiveness over Kate, happiness for our daughter, and absolute terror that all of this would coming crashing down like a house of cards at any moment.
In that moment, I rather desperately wanted to tell my parents everything. As a boy, my mam had always been the one to fix things, while my da would never fail to give me advice when I couldn’t figure out a problem.
But I wasn’t a child anymore. I couldn’t run to my mam, crying, and have her bandage my knee. And if I told them I was having a baby, they would lose their minds and would understandably want to know all the details.
As if the universe wanted to make me feel even guiltier, a text message from my mam flashed on my phone. Wanted to let you know that we’re proud of you! Love you.
My thumb hovered over the call back button. The impulse was so strong that I didn’t know how I managed to overcome it.
I couldn’t burden my parents with this, and I sure as hell couldn’t lose my job—the job they’d done so much to help me get in the first place. And the job that would help care for them as they got older.
No, this was my burden. I might not know what I was going to do from day to day, but I was determined to do the best I could. Kate and our daughter deserved that much.
Chapter Fifteen
Kate
As the quarter continued on, I found myself becoming immersed in schoolwork. It was a welcome distraction, what with the whole “living down the hallway from my baby daddy” thing. Every day when I came home from class, I passed by Lochlann’s apartment. More than once, I’d stood outside his door, my fist lifted to knock, only for me to chicken out and scamper home.
Lochlann had been distant lately. He’d been attentive as much as he could be, but whenever I’d try to talk about anything other than the baby or mundane things like the weather, he’d immediately change the subject. Anything that alluded to me and him becoming an us was especially touchy.
I knew we couldn’t be a couple. I knew that, and yet what I wanted refused to match up with what I knew was logical. I’d always prided myself on my ability to be practical, logical. Scientific. The data told me the fallout from being open about our relationship would be worse than being together would be good.
I knew that. I’d even written down the pros and cons so I could see it in print.
But sometimes the heart wanted what the heart wanted. And my heart was fucking s
tupid.
On a rainy day a week before Halloween, I was spending my evening writing a report for my optoelectronics course that I’d been procrastinating. I enjoyed research, but the reports made me want to light myself on fire. Maybe someday I’d be so powerful that I’d never have to write reports again.
More and more, I’d been feeling the baby move. I’d often wake up in the morning, feeling this little girl kick me in my kidneys or press on my bladder, and I’d coo like it was the most adorable thing ever. Which it was.
I’d fallen in love with this parasite-baby, the booger. I’d tried to keep myself detached. I’d tried to act like it was no big deal, because, Denial with a capital D.
When my phone chimed with a message, I instantly hoped it was Lochlann, only to see it was my mom. I’d really like to discuss you moving home, she wrote. I don’t see how you’re going to take care of a baby by yourself. You have no idea what it’s like to care for a newborn!
My parents were trying their hardest to twist my arm to move back home. I’d been tempted, I had to admit. But if I did that, there was no way Lochlann could be the father he wanted to be. The second he showed up at my parents’ place, admitting he was the father, my parents would kill him—if Liam didn’t do it first.
I ignored my mom’s message, only for her to send another flurry of messages.
I also don’t understand why you moved into another apartment instead of moving home.
And why are you keeping the father secret? I have to admit, I’m hurt that you feel like you can’t trust me, and it worries me.
Should we be worried for your safety?
Kate, please answer.
I sighed, sending a message assuring my mom for the millionth time that I was safe, that I appreciated her concern, but that I was an adult and didn’t need her to question my choices, strange as they seemed.