by Andrea Grigg
Lainey’s eyes filled as she went over it for the second time. He sounded brittle, without hope, and it broke her heart.
‘Read this,’ she choked as Nick came back in, then stopped. He was white and shivering, and she didn’t think it was from the cold. ‘What is it? What’s wrong?’
‘That was Christy,’ he said in an odd sort of voice. ‘Malcolm’s killed himself.’
Chapter Thirty-Six
It was a typical day for a funeral. The rain stopped just as he got out of the car but the wind was freezing and Nick scooted inside the chapel.
He looked around and saw Christy and the children. They were huddled together for warmth as much as comfort, he suspected. When she spotted him, Christy came over and he hugged her.
‘Thanks for coming, Nick.’
‘How are you holding up?’
‘Not so good,’ she admitted. ‘I can’t begin to tell you how hard it’s been.’
‘No. I can’t imagine.’ Nick had been dreading the day, but was glad for Christy’s sake he’d come.
She gave a watery smile and went back to her children. Nick’s heart went out to them. He’d lost his father when he was their age, but it had been an accident. Dealing with a parent’s suicide would be a whole different thing.
A hand on his shoulder made him turn to see James and Mia and behind them, Simon and Jen. By the time the service began, Nick was thrilled to find all The Mavericks had arrived, along with others from the record company. Lainey had been right. It had been worth phoning to encourage them to come. He knew they were hurt and angry, but there wasn’t much point anymore. Malcolm was gone.
It was the most depressing funeral he’d ever been to. The director struggled as he led the service; suicide was not an easy thing to speak about. There was no singing, for which he was thankful, and the eulogy was given by Malcolm’s grief-stricken brother.
Sitting in the pew opposite Christy and her children were Emma and Tina. Their mother hadn’t come and Nick felt sorry for the girls. Tina seemed the most upset out of the two. He would endeavour to speak to her afterwards if she wasn’t too embarrassed at seeing him again.
There was almost an audible sigh of relief when it was over and everyone filed out into a reception area where there were refreshments waiting.
Nick couldn’t help comparing Nina’s funeral with this one. They were polar opposites. Nina’s had been full of good memories, funny anecdotes and a truckload of hope. Once again, he was being made to consider his own mortality. Lainey had mentioned the words, ‘being chased by God.’ He was feeling it.
His train of thought was interrupted by a tap on the shoulder.
‘I wanted to say hello. I didn’t expect you to be here.’
‘Tina.’ She looked older than he’d remembered. ‘Your dad was a good friend for a very long time.’
‘Yeah, but he messed that up.’ She dragged a hand across her forehead. ‘I wanted to come and tell you about the photos.’
‘What about them?’ Nick was both alarmed and curious. He wanted to know what had happened to them, if the thought of them appearing somewhere was going to hang over his head for the rest of his life.
‘It’s a bit weird, actually. Emma’s boyfriend gave the memory card to this guy and when he checked it there was nothing there. Something must have gone wrong with the camera. Pete copped a bit for wasting their time but it wasn’t his fault. It had been working properly the day before. The ones we’d taken then were okay, but not the ones in your room. Strange, huh?’ She smiled. ‘Thought you’d like to know. We could’ve done with the money but I’m glad for your sake.’ She flipped him a wave. ‘See ya.’
Nick stood there, his coffee cooling rapidly in the chill, his mind in a whirl. He had his miracle.
* * *
Nick was grateful there was no one next to him on the flight back to Coolangatta. He was in no mood for social chit chat. He had some thinking to do and for the next hour or more, there would be few distractions.
It had been a lifelong habit, instilled in him by his mother, not to run away from things but to work out the problem and then try and fix it. For the most part he managed to do it, but there was one area of his life where he had ignored his mother’s wisdom and he couldn’t any longer. It was hammering at his conscience and would not go away. He knew very well what the problem was, had known for some time, but he’d kept a firm lid on it. Not anymore, not after the last two weeks and particularly the last hour.
When he had been driven to Mascot airport, Nick had stared in astonishment at a brand new billboard. ‘What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?’ Matthew 16:26 NIV
Simple yet profound. Nick felt like he’d been smacked in the forehead. He even felt the need to rub it.
Alright! I get the point.
The verse was talking about him. He had fame and wealth and that was supposed to equal happiness but he hadn’t been happy for some time. Nothing had any meaning anymore; all his goals had been achieved. He had nothing to aim at and a man needed something to keep him going.
Since her funeral, he’d often thought about Nina Thompson. She’d been an important part of his life growing up, leaving him with a sense of well-being, acceptance and love. She may have buzzed and bustled around the place but she was one of the most compassionate and unselfish people he knew. That was her legacy. What a huge difference between hers and Malcolm’s.
What would his own legacy be? He’d achieved many things, won awards for singing and songwriting and was a successful actor. He’d given a lot of money to different charities and had been recognised for it. Now, with sickening clarity, he could see everything he’d done had been done for his own ends. He’d wanted the accolades, the fame, the money. Now he had it all, he felt empty. Nina, despite being a complete unknown outside her community, had achieved far more. She had done it all for God and her life was a testimony to that fact.
His was a testimony to only himself.
That led him to his biggest problem. He shifted in his seat and looked out the window at the brilliant blue sky and bright sunshine. He wouldn’t have thought it strange if he’d found a cloud formation spelling it out for all to see.
G-U-I-L-T.
He was guilty for a hundred thousand reasons. Guilty for getting Lainey pregnant; for dishonouring his mother by not adhering to the way she’d brought him up; for focussing only on his own goals, wants and needs. Weighing him down the most was his guilt because of what God had done for him. He’d rescued him and given him a miracle even though for most of his life he’d pushed Him away.
He’d kept God in a box, ignored Him and yet He’d come to his rescue as soon as he’d asked. He hadn’t deserved anything, yet God had been there. Grace, Lainey had called it.
‘Excuse me, Nick. Coffee? Something to eat?’
Beth leaned over the empty seat beside him. He’d come to know many of the flight attendants over the years. Many came and went, but Beth had been around for a long time. He knew she was a fair bit older than he was and married with two children. She was always friendly, more than the airline courtesy code required but it wasn’t the kind that activated his defense radar. She was a genuinely nice person.
He smiled. ‘Just coffee thanks. Black.’
‘I remember. Are you okay?’
‘Yeah. I’ve just been to a funeral. It was a little rough.’
Beth nodded. ‘It would’ve been. I’ll get your coffee.’
He appreciated how she hadn’t pursued the conversation. She always respected his privacy, only talking to him when he asked the questions, not the other way round.
Once the steaming cup was in front of him, he resumed his self-examination. He wasn’t feeling too great right now and not quite sure what to do next. He wanted to pray but because he’d been ignoring God for so long, he didn’t feel like he could
. Guilt.
He loves you, Nick. Lainey’s voice was in his ear.
Could that be true? He didn’t deserve anything, including God listening to him.
‘Excuse me, Nick.’ Beth looked nervous. ‘I don’t do this very often and I hope I’m not offending you but I would like to give you this.’ She held out a rather small, brown book. ‘It’s for you to keep.’
Nick knew what it was. He had one just like it in a drawer at home. His was red and he’d received it in high school; a Bible, a New Testament, provided by the Gideons.
‘Thank you,’ he said, touched by her courage. ‘You haven’t offended me at all.’
‘Oh, good.’ She smiled her relief. ‘I felt I should give it to you but sometimes I worry if I’ve got my, um, messages right.’
‘You certainly have today. Thanks.’
‘Well, I’ll leave you to it. Buzz if you need anything.’ Beth smiled again and went back to her galley.
Nick was stunned. He read through the preface, not quite sure what he was looking for. When he flicked to the very back, he knew he’d found it. There were several headings with scriptures underneath and as he read and reread them, he felt each one hit him, exactly as the billboard had. It was clear. No matter who you were, how good or bad, everyone had sinned and Jesus had died for all of it. He’d heard it for years – now he got it.
It was the prayer underneath that made his heart pound. He had a choice to make.
He put the little Bible down and closed his eyes. Could God really love him enough after the way he’d treated Him? There was only one way to find out. He needed to ask.
God, he ventured, do you really love me?
There was no voice, no clap of thunder, or flashing lights, nothing that his five senses could register. But deep in his soul there was a stirring, like an awakening after hibernation. Without warning, his whole being was flooded with a knowing that it was true. God loved him, Nick the guilty, Nick the fraud, Nick the selfish – even though he had done nothing to earn it.
The realisation brought tears to his eyes. He brushed them away but they were replaced by more. He couldn’t help it. He could feel God’s love and it was like nothing he’d ever experienced before. This was what he’d been missing.
There was something he still needed to do. He opened up the New Testament to the back cover and read it through one more time. He had nothing to lose and everything to gain. He knew that God loved him and that meant he could trust him with his life. Sure, he’d always have questions but God would help him. He could trust Him.
This time, he read the words aloud – quietly, so as not to draw attention to himself, but aloud none the less. He acknowledged he was a sinner, confessed his belief that Jesus died for those sins, and asked Him to be his Saviour.
Once again, he was overcome with a sense of love along with a lightness and freedom, like an animal released from a trap. He nearly laughed out loud with the sheer joy of it. He felt like a new man.
This was a new beginning, a fresh start and he was going to get it right. He couldn’t wait to tell Lainey and his mother, or Adam and Lara, Sharon and Dave, even Rose and Roger. There was probably quite a list of people who had been praying for him. He wanted to tell them all.
It seemed ages until the plane made its descent into Coolangatta. It was raining there too, but Nick couldn’t have cared less.
‘You look a lot better.’ Beth looked startled as she said goodbye.
‘You have no idea.’ He grinned, then on impulse, grabbed her by the shoulders and kissed her cheek. ‘Actually, I think you do. Keep listening to those messages. I’ll tell you all about it next time I see you.’
She laughed and gave him a wave. ‘I’ll look forward to it.’
Nick glanced at his watch outside the terminal as he headed for the line of taxis. It was three-thirty. Perfect. He knew exactly where he wanted to go.
* * *
Lainey thought she might leave work earlier than usual and wondered for the gazillionth time how Nick was doing. He’d flown to Sydney just for the funeral and he should be back soon. She’d phone him when she got home.
Lainey started to pack her bag. She wanted her own surroundings, a cup of coffee and comfort food on a cold day like this.
‘Hello, you.’ A familiar shape took up most of the doorway.
‘Nick! You scared me! How did you get here?’
‘Taxi. I’ve come straight from the airport.’
‘How was it?’ She went closer, puzzled. He didn’t seem particularly upset. The other night she had held him as he’d cried over Malcolm’s death. It had touched her that he’d still do that with her.
‘The funeral was horrible. Everyone in black, torrential rain, freezing cold, and very depressing. What you’d expect for the circumstances, I suppose.’ Nick leaned up against a bookshelf, arms folded. ‘I spoke to Tina.’
‘How was she?’
‘Alright, I think. She had something to tell me about the photos.’
Lainey went still. ‘And?’
‘The memory card was empty. Well, almost. There were some photos from the previous day, but nothing that was taken in my hotel room came out. Nothing. It was definitely a miracle, Lainey.’
‘How fantastic!’ God, you are so good!
‘I’ve had another miracle today too.’
‘Really? What do you mean?’ Lainey looked at him more closely. He seemed all bright and shiny – even his voice sounded different.
He reached inside his coat pocket and pulled out a small book. Lainey recognised it for what it was but didn’t understand what Nick was doing with one. He opened it to the back page and held it out. ‘Read this.’
She stared, her heart beginning to beat a rapid tattoo. Inside the back cover of the little Gideon Bible was the section containing the sinner’s prayer. She’d seen it before, but never, ever had she seen it with Nick’s signature and the date underneath it. Today’s date.
Her mouth dropped open and she looked from the Bible up to Nick’s face and back again. It was definitely his writing, N.W.Cusack and it was definitely today’s date.
‘I’ve done it, Lainey,’ he said, ‘I’ve really done it, and I’m only sorry it took me so long.’
‘Where did this happen?’ The signature under the statement was the most incredible thing she’d seen.
‘About Coffs Harbour I think. I was in the air at the time.’
‘Oh, Nick.’ Lainey stared at him, stunned. The full magnitude of what he’d done hit her and she burst into tears. This time it was he who held her.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Nick had thought once he was on holiday he would have some time to relax, but not so far. The last few days had been crazy.
A lot of his time had been spent sharing his new found faith. The more he talked about it, the more real it became. He would never forget telling Lainey or his mother that first time. The images of sheer joy on their faces as he had done so were imprinted in his memory.
He’d flown back to Sydney to attend meetings with his agent about the next movie he was signed to do. He would be in New Zealand again which suited him very well; he would be able to come home at the end of October for his mother’s sixtieth birthday.
He’d chosen this script because it was a family adventure movie and he hadn’t done anything aimed at this audience yet. He was playing the brother of the main character who had taken him along with his two children on a camping trip. Things didn’t go as planned and they had several heart-stopping moments where everything went wrong but being a kids’ movie, it had a happy ending.
His main frustration was not being able to spend much time with Lainey and he wanted to do that more than anything. When he’d been free on the odd occasion during the day, she’d been working and they’d both had things on in the evenings. He hadn’t even been able to talk to her on the
phone.
He sat beside her at church on his first Sunday morning as a Christ follower but Pastor Ray and his wife had invited him and his mother for lunch and hadn’t included Lainey. The next Sunday was their day, no matter what, he told her; it would be Liam’s twelfth birthday. They would meet at church then spend the rest of the day together.
Nick enjoyed church in a way he’d never imagined possible. The music wasn’t perfect but it didn’t matter. He was moved by the songs and the way people wholeheartedly worshipped God. It astonished him how he hadn’t noticed it before. His second Sunday affected him even more so. The melodies and words weren’t difficult for him to follow but half the time he couldn’t sing – he was too choked up.
‘What’s going on?’ he asked Lainey, after he’d wiped his eyes yet again. ‘Every time Pastor Ray preaches it’s like he’s speaking just to me and the songs really get to me.’
‘It’s God touching your life,’ she whispered. ‘Get used to it. Don’t worry, no one thinks you’re a sook.’ She had tears in her own eyes.
He wasn’t used to feeling like this. Apart from the time he’d found out about Liam and when he’d been told about Malcolm, he hadn’t cried in years.
‘We’re going,’ he stated, five seconds after the service ended. ‘No long chats with Lara or your friends or my mother for that matter. I’m following you to your place so you can drop off your car, get changed into something casual and then we’re gone.’
While Lainey got herself ready, Nick studied the photos she had around the place. He was pleased to find he hadn’t been left out. There was one of him and his mother and another of him and Lainey when they were kids. He wondered where the photo was of them taken at the movie premiere. Probably face down in her treasure box.