When Smiles Fade

by Paige Dearth

  Shiver came in to tell Emma that she was up for her next set, but when she saw her hugging the toilet bowl, she said sympathetically, “Never mind. I’ll get someone to fill in for you, sweetie.”

  “Thanks, Shiver,” Emma replied weakly.

  “No problem. Do you want me to call your boyfriend to come and pick you up early?” she offered.

  “NO!” The word burst from Emma. “I’m still feeling really nauseous. I’ll stay in the bathroom until I think I can make the trip home.”

  “Okay, sugar. I’ll check in on you later.”

  After Shiver left, Emma went into the dressing room and picked up Gracie’s journal from where she had dropped it. She locked herself in one of the bathroom stalls, sat on the toilet, and continued to read.

  I told Emma about being pregnant and they took me to a clinic to make sure. It’s definite now. Ethan’s mad that I told Emma about the baby. He said I could only live here until the bastard was born. Then I would have to get out. He forced me to give him another blow job tonight. I tried to refuse him, but he flung me down on the ground and started kicking me all over my body. He even kicked me on the head. I was afraid that if I didn’t suck him off, he would kick me in the stomach and kill the baby. After I had done it, he left. Then a couple of hours later, he came back into my room. He was reeking of alcohol and he told me to whack him off. He made me get naked and stood over me while I pulled it. He came in my face and said that’s what happens to filthy whores like Emma and me. I’ve never kept a secret from Emma before. I feel really bad about lying to her and not telling her that Ethan is the father. But I feel worse to tell her that I had sex with her boyfriend, not that I wanted to, but what if Ethan is right and I did something to make him have sex with me? I hate Ethan! Please, God, make this stop happening to me!

  Emma read up to the point where she had thrown Ethan out of their apartment. A profound sadness for Gracie washed over her. She had left her in the care of a man who had sexually tortured her. Throughout it all, Gracie had been consumed with guilt for something she wasn’t responsible for.

  The entries after Ethan’s exit expressed relief that he was finally gone from their lives. This time Emma broke down in tears not because Gracie was dead, but because she had failed her sister so abysmally. She hadn’t been able to protect her from Ethan and was devastated by the knowledge that Gracie had lived and died with the misconception that she had betrayed Emma. So much made sense to Emma now, little things that she had shrugged off as normal teenage behavior. And Ethan? He was still there, she thought, nonchalant and guilt-free. Emma’s mind was filled with sinful ideas about how she would make him pay for what he had done to her sister. But first she had to put enough distance between the two of them so that no one would ever suspect her of any wrongdoing.

  Chapter Sixty-Two

  Emma’s whole persona changed after reading her sister’s journal. She found the energy to go on with her life and to get rid of Ethan once and for all. He was a pedophile and a bully, just like Pepper had been; the only difference was Ethan was sneaky about his abuse of Gracie.

  A few days later, Ethan confronted her without warning. “You’ve been acting fucking weird lately,” he accused belligerently. “You got something to say to me?”

  “No. I’ve been working hard and I’m tired. Just leave me alone!” Emma couldn’t help the hatred she had stored within blazing forth in her tone and attitude.

  Ethan seized her by the shoulders and flung her against the refrigerator. “Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to like that, you piece of trash? I will fuckin’ destroy you! Do you understand me?”

  Emma had become immune to his vicious threats. She despised him and the very air he breathed. She was revolted by the smell of his breath and the touch of his fingers gripping her shoulders. Ethan was nose to nose with her, screaming at the top of his lungs. But Emma was now deaf and blind to his abuse.

  Seeing that he wasn’t getting through to her, he unzipped his pants, pushed her to the kitchen floor, and held out his penis for her. Her instinct was to bite it off and she had to tell herself: Hold on! All in good time. But she did refuse to give him oral sex. Beginning to feel the loss of his power over her, Ethan seized her by the hair, dragged her to the bed, flung her down on it, and forced himself on her. After it was over, she lay there, motionless. She hadn’t shed a single tear, emitted a single cry of protest, or blinked the entire time he was on top of her. She just stared at the ceiling, thinking that this was exactly what he had done to Gracie. He was a vile, corrupt pervert—nothing more and nothing less—and she wanted to get away from him as quickly as possible.

  Ethan lay next to her, catching his breath after his attack on her.

  Still staring at the ceiling, Emma said in a voice devoid of feeling, “Ethan, I’m leaving. I don’t want to be with you anymore.”

  Ethan silently got out of bed and went into the living room. When he came back, he had a gun in his hand pointed at her head. Emma’s pulse raced as he approached her, spewing aggression.

  “You’re leaving, are you?” he snarled. “No, you’re not. You’re staying right here with me, so I can teach you how to be a good girl!” He pressed the barrel of the gun into her cheek. “Are we crystal?” he asked.

  Emma hadn’t known he owned a gun. She struggled for the right words, and when none came, she said in a shaky voice, trying to call his bluff, “I know what you did to Gracie, Ethan. I know that you raped her and I swear I’ll tell the police about it.”

  Ethan was livid. How had she found out? Had Gracie told her? He hadn’t thought she’d dare. He was sure he had convinced the little bitch that whatever they had done together was entirely her fault and Emma would hate her if she found out.

  Feeling cornered, he unleashed his anger. “I didn’t rape her!” he shouted. “That little slut wanted me. She begged me to give it to her. You have it all wrong, and if you try to leave now, I will kill you—and that rotten kid.”

  Recognizing the terror in Emma’s eyes, he knew he had her. Yeah, he thought, this bitch will do anything to keep the kid safe. Turning away from her, he moved toward Izzy’s room, where she was sleeping.

  Emma ran after him, but wasn’t quick enough to stop him from pulling the child out of bed.

  “No, Ethan, no!” she screamed.

  Awakened abruptly, Izzy cried out in alarm and reached for Emma, but Ethan kept her clutched in his vicious grip. Then he placed the gun against the toddler’s head.

  “Are you going to behave now?” he challenged Emma.

  Emma took a step toward him. He retaliated by kicking her in the hip.

  “Okay, bitch,” he said grimly, “I see that you’re not hearing me, Emma!” With that, he pulled the trigger on the revolver.

  Chapter Sixty-Three

  In the split second when Emma heard the click inside the barrel her breath stopped as she braced herself for the inevitable. But nothing happened. The gun wasn’t loaded.

  Ethan burst out laughing. “The next time you dare to disobey me,” he said with an evil smirk, “the gun will have bullets in it. I can go get them now, if you want me to. Do you?”

  Emma bowed her head in defeat. “No,” she said in a low voice, “I will do whatever you want me to. Just leave Izzy alone. Give her to me.”

  Tossing the frightened toddler into her arms as though she were a sack of potatoes, Ethan whacked Emma hard on the back of her head.

  “Go get that kid back to sleep,” he ordered. “It’s time for make-up sex, darlin’.”

  The next day, when Ethan had left the apartment to go over to his mother’s, Emma quickly packed clothes for Izzy and herself and got into the car. She set out with a trunk full of clothes, a couple of hundred dollars, a three-year-old kid and no idea whatsoever as to where she was headed. She forced herself to focus on the road as she drove in the general direction of Philadelphia, calling Doubles to inform Jay that she’d be out for a while but would stay in touch. Emma’s plan was to find a sa
fe place for Izzy, where she would be cared for. Thinking of where she could go without him finding them, she hit upon the perfect idea. She had lived in a car for a couple of months with Gracie and Brianna. It had been a hard time for all of them, but they had managed. Now she and the baby would do the same.

  Arriving in West Philadelphia, Emma continued driving until she was at Fifty-Second and Market Streets, a seedy area overrun with people who looked eager to find trouble. By the look of the place and its residents, she could tell drugs were a part of life here. This is it, she told herself, knowing instinctively that this was one place where Ethan would never search for her. In a town like Ambler, he could come across as a mean hard ass, but here, in the streets of West Philadelphia, he would never risk it, because he knew he would be eaten alive. Besides, she thought, Ethan only picked on women and kids. He would never be man enough to challenge those who were clearly capable of fighting back. Then a feeling of contentment washed over Emma as she realized that he had completely underestimated her.

  “Fucking asshole!” she muttered to herself.

  Emma found a parking spot on a side street, got Izzy out of the car, and started walking down Market Street. They stopped at a restaurant, where she ordered chicken fingers for Isabella and a sandwich for herself. As they walked back to the car slowly, Emma became uncomfortably aware that they stood out. The community here was predominantly black, Asian, and Latino. Not that she was afraid—not for herself, anyway. But the way the men eyed her made her feel uneasy. She tended to forget that with her five-foot-eight-inch height and long blond hair, she would attract attention anywhere. Now confronted by these hungry male stares, her awareness of the impact her beauty made on others came back to her in a rush. She felt like a complete white honkus screaming: “Look at me, look at me!”

  Once darkness fell, Emma began to feel more vulnerable as the streets came alive with still more disreputable-looking characters. Around ten o’clock that night, she and Izzy had just fallen asleep in the car’s backseat when there was a loud thump on the window. Startled awake, she sat up to find their car surrounded by a gang of young twenty-something’s hollering for her to open the door.

  One tall Asian boy yelled, “Open the fucking door! If we have to break the windows, you’ll get worse!”

  Emma had been holding Izzy down under the sheet, but as she moved to grasp the knife she kept in her purse for self-defense, the child’s head popped up and she started howling. When the gang saw her, they started kicking the car violently.

  “Go to sleep, you little idiot!” one of the boys yelled, banging his fists on the roof.

  Several of them began rocking the car from side to side. This terrified Izzy, who screamed louder still.

  “Leave us the fuck alone!” Emma yelled at the tall Asian boy. “We’re not bothering anyone!”

  The gang was into getting some action from the pretty blonde, but had no desire for any of that kid shit.

  The Asian boy signaled to his friends. “Let’s go,” he said. “This bitch is probably all torn up from having that stupid kid anyway.”

  As they walked away, Emma’s heartbeat returned to normal. Once the boys were out of sight, she started the car and drove around until she had found a small street in a middle-class neighborhood. She parked and heaved a sigh of relief. She was annoyed with herself for being so stupid. She’d learned all about street living years ago and now she would have to dig into her arsenal and pull out all that she knew to keep her and Izzy safe and alive. But Emma didn’t know the creatures of the night that waited to find their pleasure through her pain.

  Chapter Sixty-Four

  During the day, Emma spent time in different areas of West Philadelphia. At night, she was careful to park in residential neighborhoods. However, that came with a risk too, since most of the area where she stayed was riddled with crime. A couple of days later, while driving around, she found herself on Fairhill Street. The neighborhood was a mix of families, thugs, and abandoned buildings. At nightfall, she found a spot on North Fairhill and got into the backseat of the car with Izzy to sleep.

  Emma woke up at two in the morning. She had to pee. Leaving Izzy sleeping, she climbed out, ducking into the alley, from where she could keep an eye on the car. Just as she squatted, the sound of men talking at the tops of their voices reached her. Their rowdy behavior left her in no doubt that they were either drunk or high. Emma held her breath, hoping the shouting wouldn’t wake up Izzy. She knew it was important to keep their presence hidden from these strangers and worried that if her niece woke up, she would begin crying and blow their cover.

  Emma heard their voices draw closer. Deciding it was time to act, she ran toward the car. That’s when they saw her from the far end of the alley. They chased her fleeing figure, and before she knew it, they were upon her. One of the men grabbed her by the hair and yanked her away from the car door. She reeled back and landed on the sidewalk.

  “Well, now,” an unkempt, long-haired man said, eyeing her up, “what do we have here?”

  The three other men with him all stepped up to get a closer look, and one of the younger ones spoke first.

  “Goddamn, this bitch is fine!” he exclaimed. “What are you doing out here all by yourself, beautiful? You looking to give us a good time?”

  Terror seized Emma. She knew she was no match for four men, and her voice quivered as she replied, “No, I’m not a hooker. I don’t do that.”

  The men laughed. “Oh, she don’t do that!” one of them mocked.

  “How about this?” another man suggested. “You suck our dicks and we’ll let you go without bashing your fucking brains in.”

  Emma would have done anything to keep them away from the car where Izzy was sleeping. She gave in to their proposal, and the long-haired man unzipped his pants and commanded her to get on her knees. Emma was about to give him what he wanted when Izzy began crying. The men looked at the car.

  “You gotta be fucking kidding!” the long-haired man said to Emma. “You have a fucking kid in that car? You must be totally brainless!” Then he turned back to her, ignoring the toddler’s whimpers. “Let’s go, now! Get on with it!” he said, pushing his pelvis toward her.

  From the way he stank, Emma could tell he hadn’t showered in a long time. His dick smelled like he had shoved it up his own ass. She nearly gagged from the odor, annoying him so intensely that he punched her on top of the head. This seemed to fuel his anger still more, for he proceeded to kick her. The others joined in on the fun until Emma lay unconscious. Then they took turns raping her.

  Just before dawn, Emma woke up. She was lying in the same place where they had attacked and beaten her. She was naked from the waist down and badly bruised. Her clothes had been flung off to the side and there was dried blood on her face and between her legs. She got up and hobbled over to the car. Izzy lay inside, perfectly still. Emma yanked open the back door in panic. Izzy’s eyes flew open, and she breathed a sigh of relief.

  From the blood on her inner thighs and the soreness between her legs, Emma suspected that the gang had raped her while she was unconscious. She was convinced at last that she couldn’t go on like this. It hadn’t even been a week since they’d started living in the car and she had already put Izzy in harm’s way more than once. She had to find a different solution.

  Emma decided to go to Clark Park, where she had heard homeless people hung out. Maybe someone would be able to tell her where they could go, or at least where she could stay for a while. She figured it was worth a shot. Once she got there, she was pleasantly surprised by the variety of people who frequented the place—college students, homeless people, couples, and families. She strolled around the park, searching for someone who might be willing to talk to her. Then she heard a woman call her name. She turned to see Alessa standing nearby with a handsome man and a young girl. She ran up and threw her arms around Emma.

  “Oh my God! Emma! How have you been?” Alessa asked, genuinely pleased to see her.

  D
istraught over all that had happened to her the night before, she held onto Alessa and dissolved in tears. Ashamed that she had broken down in public and was crying so helplessly, she could only blubber, “I’m sorry, Alessa, I had some bad shit happen to me last night.”

  Alessa took a closer look at Emma and noticed the bruises and cuts on her face and arms. “What the fuck happened to you?” she asked, alarmed.

  “Four guys beat the shit out of me last night,” Emma said, feeling worn out and defeated.

  Alessa hugged her tight. “It’s all right, Emma,” she consoled her. “I understand. Believe me, I do. I’ve been where you are right now. But you have to believe that things will get better.” Then she turned to the man and the young girl Emma had seen her with. “This is my husband, Remo, and our daughter, Lucy,” Alessa said, introducing her small family.

  Emma looked down at Izzy, who was staring at all of them. “This is Izzy,” she said. “Isabella. She’s my sister’s kid. Gracie died two and a half years ago.”

  For a moment Alessa didn’t know how to respond. Just then Lucy stepped forward, put her hands on her knees, and leaned over so that her face was level with Izzy’s.

  “Hi, Izzy, I’m Lucy,” she said cheerfully. “Want to blow bubbles?” She held out the bottle of bubbles Remo had bought her.

  Emma looked a bit uncertain, but Alessa assured her, “She’ll be fine with Lucy. Most of the people here in the park know her. Besides, Remo will be with them.”

  As Lucy led Izzy away, Remo trailed behind the two children.

  Emma turned back to Alessa. “How come I never knew you had a kid? Aren’t you a little young to have a kid her age?”

  “Well, after being fired from Doubles, I was homeless for a while,” Alessa explained. “Then I met Lucy, who was homeless too. We’ve been together ever since. She’s the most amazing thirteen-year-old I’ve ever known.” She turned to Emma and gave her a sharp, discerning look. “What about you, Emma? What happened to your sister?”