by Paige Dearth
Katie looked at her with concern. “So are you happy?”
Emma leaned back in her chair. “I’ve never been happier,” she said. “He makes me smile all the time. But dragging his feet about taking me to meet his family really bothers me. It’s like he’s ashamed of me. What terrifies me most is that I’m so comfortable with him. If the time ever came for me to move on, away from his life, how would I ever know?”
Katie shook her head. “When smiles fade, girl, that’s when you know it’s time to move on. Until that time, you need to focus on how happy you are with him. Izzy is doing well and he clearly adores you.”
Emma reached over and clasped her friend’s hand. “When smiles fade,” she repeated. “Thanks, Katie.” Emma raised her beer. “Here’s to good friends with great tits!” she exclaimed.
They knocked their beer bottles together and laughed.
As Emma drove back to Philly, she reminded herself how simple life could be sometimes. As long as she and Izzy were happy, she didn’t have a reason to be bummed out. She felt so much better after talking to Katie. She realized how much she had missed having other women to talk to. At Salvatore’s apartment, she was always surrounded by men. She had tried chatting with Macie on several occasions, but had found her to be a strange bird, a girl who was strung too tight. Emma resolved to make a serious effort to spend more time with Katie.
The next few weeks flew by. Her new job wasn’t the most exciting career option, if you could call it that, but at least it gave her a chance to go out of the apartment every day. At the café, she was able to talk to other people and she enjoyed listening to their stories. There were, she was beginning to realize, many colorful people who lived in South Philly, tough on the outside, but all heart on the inside.
Emma loved the Italian Market and the culture there. It was a Tuesday afternoon. The lunch crowd was gone and Emma had stayed a bit longer to help prep for the dinner crowd. When she was finally done, she left the café and stopped at the butcher to pick up steak for a special dinner she planned to prepare for Salvatore. Her conversation with Katie had put her relationship with him in perspective and she was in a good mood, grateful now for what they shared.
She had just stepped out of the butcher store and was walking down the pavement when Emma heard one of the store owners yell out half a block from where she stood:
“Salvatore, you forgot your salami!”
A wide smile of recognition spread across her face as she saw Salvatore turn and walk back the way he had come. Emma quickened her pace to catch up with him.
Then a child’s voice rang out happily. “Daddy! Daddy!”
Emma looked up and paused in mid-stride. A little boy was running toward Salvatore, who had stopped and was waiting for him with outstretched arms. The moment the boy reached him, he bent down and hoisted him up in his arms. It was only then that Emma noticed the third person, a tall, dark-haired woman who had caught up with them. Salvatore leaned down and kissed her. Emma heard the little boy speak again.
“Mommy,” he asked in his endearingly squeaky voice, “if Daddy says yes, can we go to the zoo this weekend?”
“Sure, son,” the woman replied, winking at Salvatore.
As the three of them turned to walk away, Salvatore reached out and pulled his wife to him. Then some kind of sixth sense made him glance over his shoulder. Maybe it was the morbid hatred that Emma suddenly felt for him or that she was glaring at him so hard that she had broken some invisible barrier to let her into his head. When their eyes met, his own were filled with remorse. His wife sensed the change in his body language and followed his stare. The moment she noticed the stunningly beautiful blonde behind them looking back at her husband with an expression of dismay and anger, she knew what to do. Entwining her arm with her husband’s, she pulled him forward firmly, as though Emma were invisible. Mrs. Morano wasn’t naïve enough to be unaware of Salvatore’s other women, but she had told herself that there was no reason why she had to acknowledge their existence. Denying his many infidelities was the most effective way of keeping their marriage strong and healthy, she reasoned.
Emma swiveled around and ran in the opposite direction toward her car. She got in, laid her head on the steering wheel, and cried like a baby. Minutes passed before she started to bang her hands on the wheel, unleashing all of the anger, disillusionment, and sense of loss that overwhelmed her. No, she told herself, this can’t be happening. She desperately wanted to pretend that she hadn’t noticed him standing there with another woman and child. She had put so much hope and love into her relationship with Salvatore that she now felt petrified of living without him. Her chest heaved as grief washed over her. I have lost him, she told herself. Pain stung her heart and sank deep into her bones. As she had when Gracie had died, Emma felt utterly alone once again.
Chapter Eighty-Nine
Once Emma’s sobs subsided, she started the car and slowly drove back to the apartment. There was no choice for her now, she thought; the decision had already been taken out of her hands. She felt the old ghosts of loss and sorrow creep in and wrap their long, bony fingers around her soul.
She thought of Katie’s words: “When smiles fade, girl, you’ll know it’s time to move on.” Those words had seemed so meaningful to her at the time they were uttered. They had convinced her about the importance of loving Salvatore unconditionally, without harboring expectations, and learning to cherish the life they had together. Now those very words had come back to haunt her, helping her sever all ties with him and turn her back on all they had shared.
Emma was honest enough to acknowledge to herself that she had never experienced a moment of peace until she became a part of Salvatore’s life. Living with him had been such a blissful time in her life that she had stopped worrying and agonizing about her past. She had even been able to release the anger that would occasionally gnaw at the pit of her stomach, especially when she thought about her parents and the cruelties they had heaped on Gracie and her.
When Salvatore returned to the apartment an hour later, he found Emma in the bedroom, packing her clothes.
“Emma, wait,” he said urgently, “we have to talk about this. It’s not what you think.”
She stared at him dully, her eyes loveless. “You’re a married man with a son,” she said, her voice devoid of expression. “You’ve lied to me and kept me here like your little whore. I want nothing more to do with you. Go back to your family.”
Anger at her words flared within him and he moved suddenly in her direction, his attitude almost threatening. Emma stood her ground without flinching. His stance made the tiny hairs on her arms rise. But, as she stared back at him, she thought to herself, who the fuck does he think he is, coming at me like that? Big Mafia man!
Emma’s refusal to be intimidated wasn’t lost on Salvatore. He smiled inwardly, marveling at her strength and courage. They were what he admired about her most. When he was within touching distance, he paused and took a deep breath.
“Look, Emma,” he said earnestly, “I love you. I was only twenty-two when I married the woman who is now my wife. She has been a good Italian wife and mother. She fulfills all my family’s expectations. But I don’t love her in the same way that I love you. I’m married to her, but you are my soul mate, the woman I was meant to live my life with.”
Emma turned away from him, her sense of loss threatening to make her throw herself into his arms, to fill the empty space in her chest where her heart had thrived. Instead, she continued packing her belongings. Salvatore stared at her with deep regret. He knew he had lost the only woman he’d ever loved. Unable to come to terms with this devastating reality, he sank into the chair in the bedroom as she moved about silently, emotionless, arranging her possessions in suitcases.
“Where will you go?” he managed to ask.
“Salvatore,” she said, not even trying to conceal her frustration, “go home to your wife and kid.”
He stood and went over to her, putting his arms around her
, but she stiffened in his embrace. Reluctantly he released her, lifting her chin with a finger so that she was looking directly into his face.
“All right, Bella. I understand,” he said gently. “I want you to know that I love you. If you need anything, anything at all, you know how to get in touch with me.”
She wanted to scream that all she ever needed from him was his love and honesty. As much as she wanted to stay there with him, she felt she’d be no better than her own mother, who would have done anything to keep her man. She softened for just a quick moment. “Thank you for everything you’ve done for us. I wish I could stay here and be fine with this, but I can’t. If I ever need you I will call.”
Then she turned her back to him and continued packing. After he’d left the room, she felt drained and empty inside. After all these years, she had become, once again, the nonentity Pepper had reduced her to. Her tears were spent now. No internal conflict tormented her. All she felt was the urge to leave this place as quickly as possible.
A few hours later Emma and Izzy stood in the foyer. Tony and Vincent had come out of the kitchen to say good-bye. “Now listen,” Tony told her, giving her a hug, “ya know how to get a hold of us if you need to.”
Vincent hugged her next and the two men knelt down and focused on Izzy. “Ya keep bein’ bossy like you are, okay? When ya grow up you’re gonna be a real good lawyer. Ya take care of your Aunt Emma, ya hear?” Tony instructed the child.
Moments later Salvatore was standing with them at the front door, and after Izzy had said a bewildered good-bye to him, Emma loaded their possessions into her car and left.
“Where are we going, Aunt Em?” Izzy asked uncertainly.
“To Katie’s,” Emma replied in a reassuring voice.
“Can we go back home to Salvatore afterward?” Isabella wondered aloud.
“No, Izzy. That’s not our home anymore. You and I are going on an adventure to find a new home,” Emma replied, trying to make it sound exciting.
Izzy slumped against the car door, tightly clutching the stuffed giraffe Salvatore had given her on her birthday. “I don’t want a new home,” she sulked. “I want to go back to my room.”
Emma drove back to Ambler in silence. By the time they reached Katie’s apartment, Izzy had fallen asleep. Emma carried her in and Katie put the child on the sofa and covered her with a blanket. Then she joined her friend in the kitchen.
“What the hell, Em?” she asked in a low voice so as not to awaken Izzy.
Teary-eyed and emotional, Emma began explaining what had happened that afternoon. Katie listened intently, trying hard to support her friend’s stance, although she genuinely believed that Emma had found a better life with Salvatore and didn’t want her to give it up on a mere whim. But as Emma finished recounting her story, even Katie couldn’t argue against her decision to leave Salvatore. The man was not just someone’s husband, he was a father too, and it would be wrong to try and convince Emma to return to him. There was no future there for her. Besides, Katie knew how resolute her friend could be. There was no way she would ever be able to change her mind.
“So now what, Em?” she asked sadly. “What’s your plan?”
“I don’t know,” Emma replied, sounding helpless and unsure. “I haven’t had time to think. Could I stay here for a couple of days? Do you think Bryce would mind?”
“I’m sure it will be fine with him,” Katie lied smoothly, knowing quite well that her boyfriend would be furious at the prospect of Emma and Izzy staying with them and crowding an apartment they themselves had outgrown. Then she decided to be upfront. “Em, I should tell you,” she said. “Bryce was offered a job. A really good job as a realtor in Nevada, and we’re moving out there in three weeks.”
Emma looked up from the coffee her friend had made her. “That’s great, Katie,” she said without enthusiasm.
Her disappointment at the news was obvious. She had been counting on staying with Katie until she could get her shit together and go back to Doubles. Going back to dancing wouldn’t be that difficult, but without someone who could babysit Izzy for her at night, it would be impossible.
Emma realized with a pang that of her only two friends, one was already far away and the other would soon be gone. Brianna was in Germany and now Katie would be leaving for Nevada. All she could think to do was to sleep on it. As she lay on the floor next to Izzy that night, she considered doing something different. Maybe the moment had come for her to move far away? She considered going to Saint Thomas, like the waitress she’d met there. But what would she do for work? She hadn’t seen any strip clubs there during their stay. Besides, she would still need someone to babysit Izzy. That option seemed just too complicated with a small child. And she knew that no matter what decision she made, Izzy would have to be her first priority.
Chapter Ninety
The next morning when Bryce came into the kitchen where the two women were having coffee, Emma could tell from his expression that he wasn’t happy about having guests in the apartment. Fucking asshole, she thought. She had woken up knowing there was only one option open to her.
“Katie,” she now said, “we’re going to head out today. I can tell Bryce is pissed that we’re here.”
Katie was torn between disappointment and relief. Bryce had, in fact, torn into her because she had allowed them to stay even for one night.
“I pay the fucking bills here!” he had barked. “I don’t want your freeloading friend and her ankle-biting kid hanging around eating my food and sucking up my electricity.”
Although Katie had been livid with him, she could say little in Emma’s defense. Bryce was, after all, the breadwinner and financially ran their home. She knew that any argument about the need to help others would sound lame coming from her.
“I’m sorry, Emma. Where will you go?” Katie asked feeling like a piece of shit.
“I have one place left I can try,” Emma answered. “If that doesn’t work, I’ll figure something else out. Don’t worry about us. You know we’ll be fine. I’ve been through worse. By the way, I’ll need the key to my storage locker where you’ve kept all of our shit—my furniture and things—from the apartment.”
Katie opened a kitchen drawer and handed her the small key she’d kept inside.
“I packed everything as best I could,” she told her, “but since I had to get your shit out quick, I didn’t do too good a job.”
After lunch, Emma carried Izzy out to the car, “I probably won’t get to see you before you leave for Nevada,” she said sadly. “Let me know once you’re settled in.”
Katie assured her they would stay in touch and remain friends forever. She really meant it. But well-intentioned as the promise was, Emma knew it was one they were both incapable of keeping. She started the car and pulled away as Katie continued to wave at them from the curb until they were out of sight.
Emma headed for the only place she knew where she might get shelter. Half an hour later, she parked in Kensington in front of the house where she had lived with Sydney and the herd. As they walked up the broken steps, Izzy chattered in happy anticipation of seeing Sydney again. Emma was pleasantly surprised that her niece remembered her friend and took some comfort in the child’s excitement. Emma knocked on the front door and the pair stood, perfectly still, waiting anxiously for someone to answer.
Jamie, one of the housemates they had known, answered the door. Just as when they had lived there before, he was stoned out of his mind, and Emma had to introduce herself three times before he even began making the connection.
“Yeah!” he finally said. “I remember you, Emma! You’re the chick who cooked us Thanksgiving dinner one year, right?”
“Yeah, that’s me,” she answered dryly, annoyed at his pathetic state. He was swaying in the doorway and his eyes were barely open. She remembered how much she had disliked him when they lived there the last time. He was trashed day and night.
Izzy’s hand tightened on Emma’s when the boy leaned down a litt
le too close to her and said, “Yeah, I remember you too. You sure look just like your mom!”
“Right,” Emma said curtly. “Is Sydney here or what?”
“Yeah, man,” the boy replied, standing back to let them enter. “She’s upstairs with some dude. You can go up, though, if you want to.”
As the two of them climbed the stairs to their old room, Emma was afraid of what sights she might come across in the bedroom. She knocked on the door softly.
She heard her friend yell, “Come in! It’s open!” and pushed the door open.
When Sydney saw them standing in the doorway, she jumped to her feet. Still naked, she came running up to them.
“Oh my God!” she exclaimed, both excited and moved. “I can’t believe you guys are here! Where the hell have you been?” She dropped to her knees and opened her arms. Izzy slid gently into them and snuggled against her. “Hey, little woman!” she said to the child. “How are you? Look how tall you’ve gotten! I can’t believe it! You remember me, right?”
Izzy giggled. “Yeah, Syd, I remember you. Not that good, though. I just remember that you used to play games with me. Now I like to read a lot. I brought all of my books with me. So we can read together. But you should put some clothes on first,” she added disapprovingly.
They moved into the bedroom and closed the door. Wrapping herself in an old robe, Syd looked over at her friend who was lying on the mattress in his boxers.
“Dude,” she said, “put some clothes on, will ya?”
He laughed and pulled on a pair of dirty jeans.
Sydney explained, “This is a friend of mine. Well, you know,” winking at Emma, “a friend with bennies.”
Emma looked over at Sydney’s friend with disgust. The intensity of her stern green gaze boring into him, willing him to leave, was intimidating. Taking in all of the not-so-subtle signals she sent him, he announced that he was leaving.