by Taylor Dean
Without breaking the kiss, he lowered her to the bed. When he paused for a moment, his face hovering over hers, Jill whispered, “Thank you for coming back to me, Luke. For insisting on it in the only way you knew how . . .”
He smiled and kissed her again with rising passion. Several minutes passed before she finished her thought.
“. . . and for not giving up on me. I was so lost without you and now I am whole. You are a part of me, you fill every cell, every fiber of my being. If this night is all we ever have, I will live my life knowing that I knew happiness at least once. I’ll hold it in my heart forever and it will be enough.”
Of course, it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. But, they took what they’d been given and basked in it.
33
Jill and Troy
November 2003
Seven Months Later
“Hey, Jill.”
Troy’s voice was low and raspy, his skin as white as the sheets he lay on. He’d probably never arise from his bed again, but he seemed surprisingly peaceful about it. His bald head, the weight loss, and the bags under his eyes made him look like someone other than himself. Jill found herself feeling grateful Luke didn’t have to witness Troy succumbing to cancer. It wasn’t easy to observe.
Luke, of course, would disagree wholeheartedly. He’d give anything to be at Troy’s side, no matter how painful the experience might be.
Joni held Troy’s frail hand in hers. They’d married only a week after her and Luke. Somehow Troy had convinced her to forgive and marry him—and he’d done it without the use of handcuffs. Go figure.
Joni was expecting a honeymoon baby. Thankfully, they’d been able to conceive in spite of Troy beginning his chemo treatments. Evidently, the chemo had not yet affected his fertility. At any rate, it was a miracle in their lives and they were both over the moon. The happiness Troy had experienced since marrying Joni had turned him into a new man. His handsome face had lost the sour pout and bitterness seemed to have been washed away from his countenance. Knowing he left behind a legacy, a son, made him ecstatic, in spite of the circumstances.
It was heartwarming to see Troy fulfill his dreams, especially with what Jill knew of his life.
Jill had hoped to find she was pregnant as well. It would’ve made her feel as though a part of Luke was still with her. Unfortunately, it hadn’t happened. Not from a lack of trying. Their honeymoon still lingered in her memory as if it were a dream. It may have been short, but every breathtaking moment was written on her heart.
She’d refused to say the word goodbye to Luke at the airport. Instead she’d told him she knew he’d be back and she’d see him again soon. He’d held her face in his hands and with a nod, he’d whispered, “See you soon.”
“How are you feeling, Joni?” Jill asked, pulling a chair close to Troy’s bed. Even though Troy was the one she should be addressing, she liked to make an effort with Joni in the hopes that there wouldn’t be any ill feelings between them. So far Joni had been nothing but pleasant. Jill assumed Troy had explained all that had transpired between them. She felt positive Joni didn’t harbor any resentment over her and Troy’s brief engagement, but an extra effort to be friendly never hurt anyone.
“Like a beached whale,” Joni answered, dimples appearing along with her smile.
Jill huffed. “Stop it. You look adorable.”
“That’s what I tell her, but she doesn’t listen to me.” Troy lovingly caressed her hand.
“My mom and I finished painting the nursery. Would you like to stop by and see it sometime?” Joni asked.
Jill hid her surprise at the invite. “I’d love to. How about tomorrow? Maybe we could go out to lunch afterward?” She held her breath, hoping she wasn’t pushing.
Joni glanced down at Troy. “Troy has some tests tomorrow afternoon and I can’t be with him, so that would work out perfect, actually. Maybe we could fit in a little shopping too.”
“Okay. I look forward to it.” Jill had a feeling she and Joni were going to be great friends.
Since Joni’s marriage to Troy, she’d been preoccupied—understandably so—with Troy’s health and her budding pregnancy, so Jill had been holding back. Joni’s openness to the outing made her realize she should’ve done this sooner.
“Any news?” Troy asked, shifting in the bed uncomfortably.
“He’s still in Babylon. Says it’s hotter than the surface of the sun and he has dust in places he didn’t know dust could settle. If he sees one more camel spider, he’s going to shoot it, and he says living in a palace is overrated.”
“Doesn’t sound too fun.”
“No, but his spirits are up. And I’m glad of that.”
“Luke doesn’t know how to be anything but cheerful.”
One more thing she loved about him.
“How are you doing today?” Jill asked. This moment was about him.
“Still here. I ache in places I didn’t know I could ache and if I see one more needle, I’m going to shoot it. Oh, and lying in bed all day is overrated.”
Both Jill and Joni laughed at Troy’s answer.
“Nice to see you’re in good spirits as well,” Jill told him.
Troy and Joni kissed lightly, making a wave of longing wash over Jill. She missed Luke so much it hurt. Like when you burn your finger on a hot pan and it continues to burn all day, a constant reminder. Luke had scorched her heart. She yearned for his presence.
“Go, Joni. Right now. I insist. You need to grab a bite to eat and Jill will keep me company while you’re gone.” Troy gently ran his hand through her hair.
“Okay. I won’t be long.” Reluctantly Joni left.
“She never leaves my bedside. But I need her to take care of herself too, you know? And our baby.”
“She loves you, Troy. You’re a lucky man.”
“I am, aren’t I? Thanks for going out with her tomorrow. She needs to go out and do something fun.”
“I’d like to get to know her a little better.”
“She puts up a brave front, but she’s having a hard time. Her family isn’t happy with her decision to marry me.”
“Oh, I didn’t know.”
“They feel she’s set herself up for heartbreak. What can I say? I guess they’re right. I mean, she entered this relationship knowing a happily ever after was out of the question.” He scoffed. “Betting on a three-legged horse is never a smart move.”
Jill objected. “You’ve made each other happy. Surely her family realizes that. Sometimes it’s not about how long, it’s about how much.”
He mulled that over. “In that case, I have much. We’ve had to pack a lifetime into months, not years. And you and Luke . . . you had to pack everything into one night.”
“No regrets.”
“Good. Now tell me the truth. How is Luke really?”
“Ready to come home.”
“Has he been able to call?”
“Yeah. He called on the SAT phone the other night. That’s a satellite phone. It was the best connection we’ve had. It was good to hear his voice. He was outside walking around and I could hear the sound of RPGs as they flew over his head. It was an entirely surreal experience. Scared the life out of me.”
“RPGs?”
“Rocket Propelled Grenades.”
“Was he in danger?”
“The enemy was aiming for a building that wasn’t too far away from where he stood. The RPGs fell short, landing in a lake and never detonating. Luke was fine. It freaked me out though. It seemed a little too close for comfort. He assured me he wasn’t in danger. But the sound of the RPGs flying through the air above his head was absolutely frightening.”
“Wow.”
“I know, right?” Jill was putting on a brave front. In reality, the experience had given her nightmares. It reiterated the fact that he was indeed in a war zone.
“He’ll come home, Jill. I know he will.”
Troy held her hand and his skin felt delicate and thin to the touch, al
most like parchment paper. She wondered how much longer Troy would last. “Troy?”
“Hmmmm?”
Jill hesitated. She’d never broached the subject with Troy, even though she’d wanted to. Now seemed like the perfect time—it may be her only time. “There’s something I’ve been wanting to say to you for quite some time now. I know the subject is taboo, but this needs to be said.” Hoping she wasn’t opening a can of worms, she barreled ahead. “Thank you . . . for saving Luke’s life.” Please don’t be angry.
Troy slowly expelled his breath. “I wondered if he told you the whole story.”
Of their own accord, Jill’s eyes wandered in the direction of Troy’s feet. They were always covered with at least two pairs of thick socks. “He kept your secret. I’m the only one he’s ever told. And he only told me so he could explain why . . .”
“I know, Jill,” he interrupted. Troy looked her in the eyes rather intently. “Listen to me. I’ve wanted to talk to you about this for quite some time now too. I’m glad you brought it up. It’s been weighing on me.” His eyes flashed with emotion and his head lifted off his pillow using strength he didn’t possess. His words were slow, providing emphasis on each syllable. “I was only twelve years old. I was just a dumb kid, mad at the world for throwing me a bum lot. It was wrong of me to take it out on Luke. I blamed him and directed all of my anger toward him. It wasn’t fair to Luke. It’s taken me a lot of years to let go of my anger. But it was never his fault. He needs to know. Tell him that. Please tell him. I need you to tell him.”
Troy was getting worked up and his heart monitor beeped at an alarming rate, bringing the nurse in.
“I’m okay,” Troy assured her. The nurse lingered for a moment, fussing over him.
When the nurse left, Jill, holding back tears, said in all seriousness, “Tell him yourself.” Jill prayed it could be true. Troy needed reasons to hang on to life. She didn’t want him to let go just yet. Already the doctors felt he was still alive only for his baby.
“Don’t. You know as well as I do that I don’t have enough time for that. I wish I could tell him in person. I’ve been holding out for it. It’s the one thing in my life I regret. But, there isn’t enough time now.”
He was right. “He knows, Troy. I know he knows.”
“Please don’t assume anything. I need him to hear it. Promise me.”
“I’ll tell him, Troy. I promise I’ll tell him. Rest easy.”
34
Luke and Jill
February 2004
Present Day
Jill waited nervously in the airport lounge, trying not to fidget and failing. She smoothed her hair and tucked in her shirt one more time. She hadn’t seen Luke in ten long months and it seemed like forever. She was so nervous she could hardly stand still. He’d been granted emergency leave for Troy’s funeral. He’d wanted to come home before Troy passed, but was unable to get permission. Her emotions warred between elation and sorrow and she couldn’t quite embrace one or the other. She’d follow Luke’s lead. His disposition would determine the mood of this visit. While she mourned the loss of Troy, bubbles of excitement were dancing through her veins at the mere thought of seeing Luke. Kissing him would make those bubbles burst through her body and explode like fireworks. The Fourth of July was having a heyday inside her and she couldn’t contain herself.
When she saw him walking out of the terminal and their eyes met, they both paused. He looked good, healthy. His skin was bronzed, complementing his light brown hair and blue eyes. He wore his DCUs (Desert Camouflage Uniform) and her heart thumped in her chest at the sight. He wore the uniform well.
Slowly, a grin transformed his face and when he started to jog towards her, Jill threw all thought of decorum out the window. She met him pace for pace until their bodies clapped together and they were one writhing mass of arms, touching and feeling, grasping and pulling. They cried, they laughed, they kissed, and they held each other tight, just as close as two bodies can be.
The news was present, a reporter already interviewing another soldier and his family. Luke had traveled home with three other soldiers and even though they were only home on leave, one of the wives had called the news to preserve the precious moment for posterity.
Busy as they were filming the joyous reunions of the soldiers and their children, they hadn’t noticed Luke and Jill.
“Let’s get outta here,” Luke whispered.
“You don’t want to be interviewed?”
“Nah. I just wanna be alone. Let’s sneak out.”
Later that night, as they watched the evening news while lying in bed intertwined with each other at the ritzy hotel Jill had booked for Luke’s homecoming, they laughed heartily at the news segment. After interviewing the other soldiers and their families, the piece ended with a blank screen and the words, “And Captain Lucas Graham came home too.”
It was awkward at best and whenever they thought of it, they chuckled to themselves.
In the wee hours of the morning they lay awake, unable to sleep, unable to stop loving each other, and unable to stop talking. They had ten months to catch up on and the conversation flowed between them, alternating with long bouts of silence as they kissed.
Feeling warm and sated, the dialogue slowly changed to weightier matters.
“Tell me about Troy.”
“He slipped away peacefully, a happy man. He had Joni and his son at his side. They often propped the baby in his arms and there the little guy would sleep, content to be in his father’s arms. He never fussed while being held by Troy. It was as if he knew it was his only time with his father. It was quite the sight.”
Luke listened intently, his eyebrows deeply furrowed. His blue eyes appeared luminous in the dim light.
“A son. Troy has a son.”
“Yes. Would you like to know what they named him?”
“I was wondering why you never mentioned his name. Every time we spoke on the phone I forgot to ask and you never answered my question in our emails.”
“I wasn’t allowed to tell you until we were in person. Troy’s request.”
Luke knew before she said it, she could see it in his expression. Otherwise, why the secrecy? His eyes closed and his breath hitched in his throat.
“Lucas Troy.”
Visibly touched, Luke reined in his emotions, holding onto them tightly.
“He loved you, Luke. He really did.”
Luke couldn’t speak.
“There’s more.”
“More?”
“Yes. Troy made me promise to pass on a message to you. He said he couldn’t leave this life until he knew I would tell you. It was important to him. It was one of the things that made him last as long as he did. He wanted to tell you in person, he was holding out for it, but he realized it wouldn’t happen.”
“What?” Luke’s grasp on her hand tightened in anticipation.
It was with utter joy in her heart that Jill conveyed Troy’s passionate words to Luke. “He wanted you to know that he was just a dumb twelve year old kid and he shouldn’t have blamed you and taken out his anger on you. It wasn’t fair to you and he regrets it deeply.”
Luke said nothing. His eyes filled with tears, but none fell. It took him several minutes to compose himself. “He said that?”
“Yes, and he made me promise I’d tell you.”
He nodded slowly in the affirmative. Jill couldn’t begin to imagine what kind of hole had just been healed in his heart.
They lay facing each other on the bed, only covered by a sheet, their hands laced together. The moment felt supremely intimate.
“Luke, don’t worry over it. He passed peacefully, surrounded by the people he loved.”
“Thank you, Jill. It’s gonna take a little time for me to get used to all the changes in my life. It feels like life went on without me and I’ve missed so much. It’s like living in an alternate universe.”
“You’re not alone. I’m here for you.”
They dozed in and
out of a light sleep, holding each other close, as Luke processed his life. After awhile he was ready to talk some more.
“Every time things got tough over there, I just thought about you. It gave me something to look forward to, something to live for. Made me know I had something wonderful waiting for me at home. Kept me sane.”
“Tell me about Iraq.”
“It changes some people. It brings out different sides of their personality, sides they didn’t know existed. Sometimes that’s not an easy thing to face.”
“What do you mean?”
“Scariest moment I experienced was when we were traveling up to Babylon from Kuwait in a convoy of about seventy-five vehicles. I still can’t believe what happened that day.”
Jill’s stomach felt as though it twisted into a pretzel shaped knot. “What happened?”
“Are you sure you want to hear this?”
“No, I’m not. But now that you’ve brought it up, I want to know, I have to know.”
A small half smile curved Luke’s lips. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have dangled that out there.”
“It’s okay. Tell me, Luke. I want to know what you’ve experienced.”
“We were preparing to leave with our convoy and the convoy commander gets up and gives this great speech right out of the movie Starship Troopers. ‘Everybody fights, no one quits. If you quit, I’ll shoot you myself.’ We all laughed and our spirits were good. Then the senior officer in the convoy gets up, somewhat out of turn, and says, ‘Once we get going, no one stops. Do you hear me? Do not stop for ANY reason. NO ONE STOPS.’ That kinda put a damper on things. We could smell his fear. Subdued, we got on the road. We traveled in three groups, about twenty-five vehicles in each group. Each group is called a serial and we travel about ten minutes apart from each other. For tactical reasons, it’s the safest way to travel. If someone attacks, then we’re not all in one bunched up group. It also means we’re not hogging the roadway.
“I was in Serial One, driving along in a Humvee and we got a flat tire. We pull over to the side of the road and call for help. They tell us all the spare tires are in Serial Two. Serial One waits until Serial Two is in sight and then gets a move on, knowing we’ll be safe. We radio Serial Two and they confirm they have a spare tire for us. Serial Two begins to pass by and we wave at them, but no one stops. NO ONE stops. They just keep going, passing us by and leaving us on the road alone and practically defenseless.”